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26
26
Review of Chapter 1: Tim  
Review by tuesday
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Sowie118,

Welcome to Writing.Com! I saw your chapter “Chapter 1: The Beginning” on the newbies page.I enjoyed reading your story. You’ve done an excellent job with the overall story structure. The story flows well and keeps the readers interest. Nice writing! You did a good job of setting the tone in the classroom; it felt oppositional student vs. teacher. I like the fact that you presented the opposition from the main character’s viewpoint. The reader becomes suspicious, wondering if Timothy is a reliable narrator. We all filter our experiences, and to some degree see what we want to, but to what degree does Timothy see the reality of his situations. Excellent set-up for your story!

There are some misplaced modifiers that slowed the reading a bit, but I’m sure a quick edit will relieve those issues. Ex. “I spilled coffee down my front, which was cold anyway…” It sounds as if your ‘front’ was cold!

Putting a blank line between your paragraphs eases the stress on reader’s eyes.

The end of your chapter feels like an ending. You can create tension by ending the paragraph with the spark of attraction between the two boys. Leave the analysis for the next chapter. Let the reader wonder what Timothy will do in response to Lou's presence. Compel the reader to turn the page, start another chapter!

Consider adding a title that is a bit more descriptive to help draw in readers. Even something simple, like Timothy, would give an indication of the story’s topic. The title can be easily be changed as you write, and I expect that it probably will.

Overall, your writing is excellent, you pay close attention to detail, and your characters are well drawn and believable. Keep writing!

Thanks for sharing a great read!
Tuesday
27
27
Review by tuesday
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Zaril,

Welcome to Writing.Com! I found your poem “My sweetie’s smile” on the newbies page. I enjoyed reading your poem. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. You’ve clearly expressed your love and devotion to him. Nice writing! I liked the description of him being able to see the different faces you wear, as do we all. Nice insight and honesty! I liked the structure of the poem with the first two stanzas focused on ‘my husband.” I also liked the echoing effect of the first two stanzas that started with a physical feature, smile then eyes, and moved toward an action, smile to words, eyes to vision. The final stanza shifts to the “I” viewpoint, expressing love and gratitude, creating a nice balance between the husband and wife. Excellent!

The lines don’t have the rhythm I might expect to see in an emotional love poem. Over-punctuation makes the reading choppy and uneven.

If you label your item type as poetry, you will get more readers who enjoy that genre. Prose is the opposite of poetry.

Thank you for sharing your beautiful poem,
Tuesday
28
28
Review of Passion I  
Review by tuesday
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello G.R-Sant,

I saw your item "Passion I" on the newbie page. I enjoyed reading your romantic scene. The scene was philosophical and tender. The flow of the scene matched the tone very well. The beginning of the scene was rapid and breathless and fit the action. Later, the scene seemed to almost whisper in places. You controlled alliteration well and used it to great advantage in creating mood and tone.Nice writing.

This is a very romantic view of this moment, a bit cliche even. At moments, the writing is so abstract the reality/honesty seems to get lost. It is very well written, expressive and emotional.

Thanks for sharing a great read,
Tuesday
29
29
Review of The difference  
Review by tuesday
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Meg,

Welcome to Writing.com! I saw your poem "The Difference" on the newbie page. Wow, you have packed a lot of emotion into a few lines. I can really feel the intensity and passion you have packed into this piece. I liked the 'I"/"you" balance of each of the first five lines. It is powerful that you have spread the emotion between the two people. I also liked the balance you started with in the first two lines-run to/run from. Very nice. I would have liked to see more of that balance in the succeeding lines.

The fourth line felt like a turn. A shift in tone and attitude. The first lines felt sad and regretful but the last four lines felt angry and accusatory. Think about breaking the stanza into two to separate the two distinct emotion. I didn't really get how the title connected to the poem, but then I'm no expert on poetry.

This is an interesting expression of love. I think perhaps it expresses well the complications of that particular emotion. Doesn't love always come along with so many other emotions-jelousy, fear, anger... Nice writing!

Thanks for sharing your poem,
Tuesday
30
30
Review by tuesday
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Oghma,

I saw your item “Mystic: Chapter One” on the newbie page and stopped to take a look. You have a cool idea for a game. It looks like it will be interesting. I can’t tell yet whether it will focus on the future or the past-either seems like it would have a lot of potential for adventure. Don’t video game tell some kind of story-Even something like Mario has a story to it. I would enjoy seeing how your game develops. Good luck-maybe someday I’ll get to play it!

I'm not sure why you put such a high rating (13+). You might get more readers and feedback if you lower it/make it available to everyone. Keep writing!

Thanks for sharing your ideas,
Tuesday
31
31
Review of The Conductor  
Review by tuesday
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Alan Smithee,

I saw your short story, “The Conductor,” on the shameless plug page. Intrigued by your description, I stopped in for a read. I am glad I did. Wow! You have a vivid imagination and a fantastic sense of humor. I loved this story. Clever, witty, entertaining.

I am truly inspired by the way you wrote this. The conductor started the story as though he were the main character. Very quickly, he allowed the orchestra to take over, much like a real conductor gets lost in the music. Your imagery was astounding. I could see the events of your story. I loved the title of the operation!

I loved that even the man on the operating table was compelled by the ‘music’ to participate! (I think maybe, they were all inhaling the ether!) Funny!

I thought when I read it, the ‘instrument’ was the man on the operating table. But later, the term instrument was used again, this time, I think to describe the nurses. It appeared a third time, and I’m still not certain who it is referring to. It took me away from the captivating story to try and figure out ‘who’ was being played.

Underneath the humor and the fun, seems to be a comment on the beauty/music of a well conducted group. A group that blends together seamlessly, and allows something much greater than the individual to flourish. Seems to me this is quite a commentary on the relationship between reader and writer! Nice Writing!

Thanks for the fantastic read-I hope others will take a moment to look at your story!
Tuesday
32
32
Review of A Voice Outside  
Review by tuesday
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Lindsay Hull,

Welcome to Writing.com! I read your short story "The Window." Wow! You are a fantastic storyteller! You did a wonderful job of setting the scene and developing Leonard into a believable and likeable character. I really felt bad for him; he seemed unable to express himself both verbally and through his actions. Excellent writing!

You don't say much about whether the girl matches Leonards expectations of her. I wonder if this might have been a good opportunity to show how well Leonards views match up with the real world. Does reality live up to his expectations? What might this say about the character?

I noticed a lot of tear, tears and tearing in your story. While I am a big fan of repetition, it can create dramatic effects, the repetiton of this word is problematic in that the word has several meanings: tears-as in crying, tear-as in to rip apart or torn apart, an occasion for excessive drinking... For example, I paused at 'her anguish tears' to decide if her tears were anguished or if her anguish caused a reaction. Consider how different wording can alter a readers experience of your story.

Overall, you've done an excellent job of writing-I had to work to find suggestions for improvement! I think I will have to stop by and take a look at your other stories!

Thanks for sharing a wonderful read!
Tuesday
33
33
Review of Rising Baloon  
Review by tuesday
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Wake,

Welcome to Writing.com. I enjoyed reading your short story "Rising Balloon." You did an excellent job of creating a very touching moment between the father and son. The setup was smooth and the resolution was poignant. It is wonderful that you noticed how something so small and seemingly insignificant can have such a great impact on people. Nice insight!

The story is slowed a bit by missing articles and some word usage problems but these did not take away from my pleasure. Editing is the easy part of writing-creating is the difficult part and you've done that exceptionally well!

Thanks for sharing a great read,
Tuesday
34
34
Review of Repentant Love  
Review by tuesday
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Ruchir P,

I read and enjoyed your poem "Repentant Love." I like to first give my reading of a poem so you can see how I understood your words, then I will comment.

My reading of the poem:
The individual, ‘me’ or ‘I’, of this poem seems to be addressing the individual ‘you’. (For ease of reference, I am referring to me/I in the masculine, he, and you in the feminine, she.)The narrator takes on the task of instructing ‘you’ in the art of denying him love (lines 1-4). The narrator asks ‘you’ to abandon him (let me fall, and condemn me) as fate has determined should happen (lines 5-7). The narrator seems to have assigned the power of love not to ‘me’or ‘you’ but instead to fate (into the fates lap). The narrator asks ‘you’ to release him from the little love that remains in her heart (the thread of your love) (lines 8-9). The narrator feels he has wronged ‘you’ and must be cut off from her love as a punishment for his wrongdoing (lines 10-11). The narrator asks ‘you’ to take away the very essence of her (your spirit) from him (lines 12-13). The narrator is willing to become zombie-like, a hollow shell of himself, without her or her compassion (your tenderness) (lines14-16). The narrator is asking to be punished as he believes there is no hope of receiving you or your caresses.

I love the title-Love is Repentant-Love personified feels remorseful and feels the weight of its own misdeeds. It seems as if the narrator is suggesting that wrongdoing is an inherent part of love. How profoundly true, as we are all human, love must possess the flaws and imperfections that we express as part of our humanity. Excellent!

There seems to be a great chasm between the title and the stanza of the poem. The dramatic shift from the accepting nature of the title to the controlling, desperate tone of the stanza is shocking. I wondered if this was a suggestion that love is not what the narrator expected it should be. There seems to be a great contrast between the appearance of the title and the reality of the stanza. I think this could be viewed the opposite way as well, as the reality of the title and the appearance of the stanza-hmm. This seems to leave a nice space for the reader to bring his own viewpoint into the reading. Nice work!

In the stanza, the narrator’s words seem to ring hollow, untrue. As he proclaims that the fates control loves destiny, the tone of the poem is accusatory, suggesting it is ‘you’ who has caused his misery, and ‘you’ who has the power to relieve it. Eleven of the 19 line poem are centered around ‘me’ and only briefly reflect you (7 of 19 lines). The narrator is clearly absorbed in his own misery. There is no indication how ‘you’ feels toward the narrator. The reader is left to wonder about the reliability of the narrator. Is he seeing the truth or is he filtering the truth through his perceived guilt. Without knowing either how ‘you’ feels or what the brutal action was, the reader must take the narrator at his word. The reader gets caught in the narrators experience as he/she experiences the narrator's tunnel vision. Nice writing! This, it seems to me, is a powerful reflection of how easy it is to get caught in an emotion, be it love, guilt, or any other. Excellent reflection!

The narrator uses metaphors to highlight the attitudes and emotions of the poem. The hollowness of the stanza is reflected in the allusion to the ‘living dead’, the zombie. Nice! Unhooking the thread seems to be a mixed metaphor. It is difficult for this reader to determine if this is intentional. Is it a reflection of the disparity between the title and stanza, the contrast between truth and reality? I would have liked to see the narrator remain true to his convictions throughout the stanza, perhaps using an ‘untying’ of the thread as oppose to an ‘unhooking’.

The scant appearance of ‘you’ in this poem gives a powerful voice to the force of emotion. That coupled with the absence of her voice, seems to make ‘you’ nearly invisible or unimportant. The emotion is so strong it no longer matters what the source was. This expression fits perfectly with the theme of the poem. I would have liked to see more control over the ‘you’ as suggested by initial lines of the poem. If the ‘you’ references were completely separate from ‘me’ and ‘I’ and were contained in a very narrow space the impact might be even greater. I love that the poem returns to ‘me’ in the end. Perfect.

I had a bit of trouble with the last three lines, the final sentence, of the poem. At first glance, it seemed as if the narrator was using the adjective forlorn as a verb. It took me several readings to figure out that it was ‘me,’ who was forlorn. The phrasing is awkward and difficult to understand. I don’t think a person can be forlorn ‘from’ something. He must be forlorn because of something, your absence, the absence of your touch etc. I think I get the gist of the sentence, but I would feel more confident if it were rephrased.

I enjoyed reading your poem. It was profound and thought provoking. Keep writing!

Thanks for sharing a great read,
Tuesday
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35
Review by tuesday
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Butch50,

Welcome to Writing .com! I enjoyed reading you non-fiction reminiscence “Fishing With Chena III”. You have a wonderful natural voice that I really enjoyed. I loved the way you described the fishing trip. The details were vivid and brought the scene to life for me. I could actually see and hear what was happening. Not only do you do a good job of capturing the serenity of a moment but the excitement and energy of a moment. You use sentence structure brilliantly to enhance the meaning of the story. I especially liked the repetition with “and” while describing the boy’s energy! It does seem like the activity goes on and on… Nice writing! I also liked the competition with the dog-it reinforce the man and nature theme of the story.

I am wondering why the fly rods are “mysteriously appearing.” Grandpa doesn’t know they are there?

I understood that Grandpa stopped fishing when it ‘got too dark to see’, yet in the next paragraph, he saw the dog chasing butterflies. Hmmm?

This was a charming and humorous reminiscence. I hope everyone here will take a moment to look at it.

Thanks for sharing the great read!
Tuesday
36
36
Review of Dark Corners  
Review by tuesday
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Laura,

Welcome to Writing.com! I enjoyed reading your prologue “Dark Corners”. You’ve done a good job of drawing out the character. The tone of the prologue seems very relaxed and casual, as if the narrator has accepted her inevitable fate. I like that you’ve included the self-reproach of a choice already made-it is such a human reaction. I also appreciated the confusion surrounding the knocking on the door. The narrator is so consumed with her self-doubt that she misunderstands the reality of her situation. Nice work. You ended the prologue on a fantastic note by introducing someone unexpected. Great job of creating a cliff-hanger, leaving the reader wondering what will happen next!

I noticed a few agreement problems in your writing.
“Shivers went through my body…I wrapped my arms protectively around them” Did you wrap your arms around the shivers? Them is plural; to what does it refer?

There was more knocks-try ‘there were’

“the person didn’t just knock…I guess they could be…” The person is singular, he or she should follow instead of they.

“the person’s feet …their shoes…” Same as above- the person, his or her.

Word Choice:
They’re means they are-Their only weakness…

I did not understand the final sentence. I cannot figure out what the phrase “their shoes faded red volleys” means. A volley is a burst of gunfire-or a tennis return-I don’t understand how it is being used in this sentence. Also why does it matter if ‘his’ shoes have been scribbled on with a marker? Are you setting something up for a future chapter? (If volley is a proper noun-the name of a shoe or shoemaker, try capitalizing the word would cue the reader to this fact.)

Try reading your prologue aloud. It will help you find incomplete thoughts and awkward phrasing.

Overall, I found the story credible and enjoyable. Keep up the great writing.

Thanks for sharing a great read,
Tuesday
37
37
Review of Dare to Dream  
Review by tuesday
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Vincent Blaine,

Welcome to Writing.com! I read your short monologue "Dare to Dream." What a wonderful piece! What a wonderful title! I fully enjoyed your work. It iscreative and fresh! I love the irony and humor of your writing. I understood this commentary to say that this individual is using a book about lucid dreaming to committ suicide. On the first reading I thought you were saying that the narrator used a book to bore himself to sleep-I love the irony of that notion-but had to give it up with a second reading.

Congratulations, I read this monologue about four times! I really do love it. I see now that the narrator is learning the skill of lucid dreaming in the hopes of cashing in on a childhood belief. The irony remains, a writer using a book to destroy himself-this is truly creative. Excellent writing.

I stumbled in my reading with the reference to the urban legend. It is awkwardly stated, I wasn't sure what legend you were referring to, the myth about dreams, something about standing with a book? I got a bit lost at the bookstore, but figured it out within a few sentences. You might add a few words for clarity when you are shifting focus from physical action to emotional, mental action (brought by fate to this bookstore-too passive-but you get the idea).

I especially appreciate the fact that you trusted me, the reader, to figure out what you were saying! Leaving room for the reader is something that I see many writers struggle with-you have done it beautifully here! Excellent work!

Thanks for the great read!
Tuesday
38
38
Review of Climax in life  
Review by tuesday
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello *Heart*music,

Welcome to Writing.com! Wow, you started with a real challenge, a 100 word story! You are brave. Think about what makes a story-something happens, the character reacts in some way and the character is affected or changed in some way. You seem to have the last two parts. The character is reacting strongly-good job with portraying emotion! The character vows to change.

The part where something happens seems to be missing. Can you say in one or two words what happened, instead of "Right then"? You say the character will do what he wants 'with no one in my way,' I think, there is always someone or something who gets in the way (isn't that what makes life interesting?). Maybe it would better to confront that reality in a few words, so your character would be more believable on his/her quest to a new life.

Nice Writing! Best of luck with the contest!
Tuesday
39
39
Review by tuesday
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello KezP

Welcome to Writing.com! I was intrigued by the title of your short story, "Horses don't like Gummi Worms." I read and enjoyed a charming story of a lost boy. I loved the title, it drew me in and fit the story well. The pace of the story was very good, it held my interest to the end. You did a great job with the dialoge and descriptions. The little boy was spirited and mischievious! You did a fantastic job of portraying his character. I found no technical errors that distracted from the reading!

I was dissapointed with the end. I half expected that the woman would be talking to a ghost. I was looking forward to a turn of events, some kind of a surprise, but the lost boy was returned safely to his mother. It seemed like a let down after the dramatic story. The boy didn't seem to learn anything about wondering off, the woman didn't seem changed by the experience. I'm not sure what to take away from this story.

You are a fantastic, creative writer and I look forward to seeing more of your work.
Thanks for the great read!
Tuesday
40
40
Review of Feel My Pain  
Review by tuesday
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Stella Soliz,

I read your poem, “Feel My Pain.” I had to read it a few times to see the poignancy of your words. This poem has a certain hollow quality, like empty words, words we’ve all heard so many times they no longer have meaning. There is a great sense of irony here. She is speaking out, clearly vocalizing her desire and fear, the words are here, I am reading them, yet I still have the sense that they are somehow not real, not honest. Nice work! You’ve given a powerful voice to the power of cliché-how it can take away the power of voice! You’ve made me think about what silence really is: is it the absence of sound or the absence of hearing?

I wondered about some of the capitalized words, Hell and Him. Usually, when I see the word him capitalized I think it is a reference to God. Are you saying God is torturing you? I read it as more of a battered woman’s plea. Are you saying the abuser’s power is godlike? An interesting thought.

I loved the way you bordered the poem in screams (near the beginning) and silence (at the end). The balance of the poem seems to get lost in the middle- you start with perfect balance-lies and truth, voice and thought, knowing and understanding, but then it disappears. I’m not sure whether or not this was intentional. The poem is centered on blood, pain, misfortune, and death. From these the narrator hopes the reader will find truth. A truth that the narrator implies is futile, in that it can only be discovered when it is too late. It feels so desperate.

Overall, this is a very provocative poem.
Thanks for the great read,
Tuesday
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41
Review by tuesday
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello LHM84,

I read your prologue to “It’s Never Too Late.” This is a lovely romantic tale given from two viewpoints.

You did a wonderful job of creating a tender moment in the first paragraph.The man;s point of view in the first paragraph is well paced and descriptive. In fact, your descriptions are so good, it may not be necessary to explain them to the reader. You don’t have to say she looked like an angel, I can tell the man thinks that from the way he describes her (especially with the halo). If you want to add more description think about other features of an angel, wings etc and how you could incorporate them into the description. The long meandering sentences enhance the man’s ambivalence about walking away and his desire to linger. Great job of evoking strong emotion!

A few of the sentences in the first paragraph are a bit awkward. He had never loved anyone more as he did. I wonder if the word 'than' would flow better than the word 'as': loved anyone more than he loved her. (try leaving out ‘did’).

The second paragraph is filled with excitement and anticipation. Again, excellent job of conveying strong emotion! Watch out for the logical order of events. She leapt out of bed and then threw the covers off? You say 'for that precious few moments before she saw the note..." Why take her moment of happiness away before she has it? The reader already knows it’s not going to last. Try reordering the sequence, allowing her the full moment and then have it dashed by the note. Do you think that would be even more dramatic? Perhaps a few moments on the dress would add to her disappointment-white (the color of purity and innocence), lace (the delicate emotions), silk (luxury and anticipation)… let here linger in the anticipation and joy a bit...you get the idea. You can say a lot with the descriptions that words cannot convey nearly as well. When she ‘assumes’ the paper contains a love not, the reader can surmise that it is not, thus giving away the shock of the moment. Try letting her pick up the note, hungry to read his words and then destroy the moment with the content. Do you think that would make the disappointment even greater?

I really like the contrast between the viewpoints, the emotions, and the reasons this the worst moment of each of their lives. I wonder if it really will be the worst moment!

Thanks for the great read,
Tuesday
42
42
Review of The Kitchen  
Review by tuesday
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello bibliophile,

I read your short story "The kitchen". I loved the opening paragraph and the way it allows the story to move from the general to the specific. It really sets the tone for the rest of the story. I especially liked the many contrasts you included in the story. They really created a depth of meaning. The tidy kitchen is like a facade, like the facade of the word murder; it looks harmless but what is underneath is not so tidy. I loved the way the woman could not escape the ugliness of her actions even in her own perfect space; no matter the face we put on, we cannot escape our own guilt/conscience. I also loved the way the blood stained the entire story-nice work! The repetition worked wonderfully to hold the reader close to the table, close to the center of the kitchen, close to the center/central idea of the story!

I did not notice any technical errors. Beautiful writing! I hope everyone takes a moment to read this story.
Thanks for the great read!
Tuesday
43
43
Review by tuesday
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Alex Anderson,

Welcome to Writing.Com. I really enjoyed reading your short story "I Should Have Known". The title intrigued me and I wasn't dissappointed. The story was bizarre and creepy. You kept me wondering what was going to happen to John Wayne or should I say Pogo. I had to laugh when I read the author's name!

There are a few places that are confusing to read, like the second sentence. Should it read, his obsession (was) with clowns? I'm sure a quick edit will resolve these issues.

You are a clever and creative writer! Keep up the good work.
Tuesday
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44
Review of Patience of Death  
Review by tuesday
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Blue Moon,

I read and enjoyed your short story "Patience of Death". It is a brief but powerful look at the moment of death.

You've created a great image of the moment of death. I read this act as a suicide as her family is outside the door trying to stop her. I really appreciate the fact that you did not try to explain why Louisa felt she had no choice but to follow through with this act. So often with suicide there is no reason that seems satisfactory to the survivors. An excellent choice to leave this an unspoken plea.

I did not understand the reference to the man in the dark coat. How can he be stretching inot his own pocket? Shouldn't he be shrinking or reaching? Is the man a figure like the grim reaper? Why would death need a gun if Louisa had already done the act? Can you clarify what this man's role is in this story?

I noticed that many of the sentences begin with she... Try to rewrite them without that word. It may help the reader feel the immediacay of the story-become a part of the story insead of an observer. For example: The blood poured out of the deep wound that pierce her heart. Think about trying the story from the first person point of view-it may be even more powerful.

Overall, a great piece of writing.
Thanks for sharing,
Tuesday
45
45
Review by tuesday
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi BBWolf,

I read your story, "Take Your Son To Work" and enjoyed it greatly! Truly clever! It was easy to read and follow. It was a bit implausable at the end but that didn't take away from the overall humor of the piece. The only change I would suggest is the use of ellipses (...) when there is a suppression of a sentence. "Hand over the money or I'll..."

Thanks for the great read,
Tuesday
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46
Review by tuesday
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for the tasty gps, thank you for the review!

I looked through your portfolio to return the favor. You are a prolific poet! I confess, I am not a great admirer of poetry, but took a look at yours. I was drawn to the poem “Teach me to whisper” by the intrigue of wanting to learn what seems so natural. The notion of improving or perfecting the natural is a fantastic hook.

I love, love , love the cadence of the first line-perfect- but it does not seem to follow through the rest of the poem. Instead of the eloquent caress of the first line many of the following lines seem a bit rough-like the gentleness is disrupted by the words, or the act of speaking them (nice!).

I also loved the mirroring in the first and third stanzas. The movement from the ‘words’ and ‘sounds’ of the first stanza to the ‘lips’ and ‘ears’ of the third stanza shows great growth or maturity-from idea to action. The movement helps the poem-the idea-grow into a reality-or the hope of realization. I would have liked to see the more elements mirrored-to make it intentional-like the ‘dance ‘ of the first stanza seems better suited to the third stanza where music or the idea of dance may reflect better the notion of the unrealized notions of the first stanza. It would be more amazing still to see how you would mirror the actual ‘embrace’, ‘place’, and ‘heartbeat’ of the second stanza in the final. Would they revert to the idea (love, life, place?) or become somehow more actualized/more real-the caress, a specific heartbeat, a specific location.

Overall, an excellent poem. You sure got me thinking!

Tuesday
47
47
Review by tuesday
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
“Dump the Information Dump” is an informative article that points out the importance of removing non-essential information from works of fiction.

A tried and useful cliché states that every element of a short story is important. Because the story is short, there is no room for things that don’t contribute to the story. Vivacious helps writers to see the means of achieving this goal by allowing writers to write out non-essential information, but remove it from the final draft. He/she also correctly points out that relevance and cohesion are just as important to longer works of fiction as they are to short stories.

Vivacious clarifies what non-essential information is –anything that doesn’t help the story move along and he/she provides good examples to demonstrate the technique. I think Vivacious could have gone farther in his discussion and shown how to make descriptions and information relevant to the story-by characterizing setting and characters, foreshadowing the action of the story, becoming symbolic representations of theme, and etc. I think this is an important lesson and one to which many aspiring writers need pay close attention.

The author organized the article in a logical and interesting pattern. The paragraphs are tightly arranged around central ideas and present well-formed and convincing arguments. Vivacious uses humor to keep the article lighthearted and hold the readers interest in the topic.

I found only minor errors that do not detract from the overall effect of the article.
“81 words could very well determine…”-Spell out numbers that begin a sentence.
“four story mansion” –should be hyphenated; four-story mansion.
“guest house” –I think this is one word-guesthouse.

I found this article to be informative and enjoyable to read. I will be recommending it to others.

Regards,
Tuesday
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48
Review by tuesday
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello J.A. Buxton,

"A Writer's Tool: Google Part 1" is an informational article that outlines Google's various resources.

The article is clear, easy to read, and without technical error. It is structured well and flows nicely as it outlines the features offered by the Google search engine.

I liked the way the article was infused with flair and personality; by adding brief comments on the writers own experience/likes/dislikes J.A. Buxton is able to inject a great deal of style into the article.

I enjoyed reading this article because I learned a lot of new information about Google and a bit about the author too. I have never clicked on any of the Google options other than Web and Maps; it's nice to know what they are. I would certainly recommend this article to others.

Regards,
Tuesday
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Review by tuesday
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello lucifier,

"At Ease With Myself" is an interesting monologue about an individuals relationship with his or her mind. While the narrator ponders different states of mind, including ease, he/she also seems to be questioning who is in control, the individual or his/her mind.

I found the piece difficult to follow in places. For example, "They say that while meditating, the mind should stop to think. Be mindless." Being mindless seems, to me, to be the opposite of thinking. If one stops to think, how can he/she be mindless? I thought meditation was about focusing the mind on one thing and don't see how this relates to mindlessness. I know the ultimate goal of meditation can be thoughtlessness-is the narrator equating thoughtless with mindless? The intended meaning of these statements is not clear to me.

I also find difficult the statement, "The intrinsic nature is to be lost, to be complete here and now and you suddenly become at ease." I cannot figure out to whom the statement refers. Is 'the intrinsic nature' referring to the individual’s nature or the mind’s nature; it seems to be referring to the individual because the pronoun ‘you’ appears in the next clause; however, 'to be complete' requires the unity of mind and body doesn't it?

In addition, the wording of the sentence intensifies the difficulty of reading it. “The intrinsic nature is to be lost,” is a complete sentence and should be followed by a period or semi-colon (hopefully after the subject is clarified-the intrinsic nature of x…). The next clause, “to be complete here and now and you suddenly become at ease” has several problems. A subject must follow introductory infinitive phrases. What is the subject of this sentence? One reading: “to be complete, here and now…, ‘here and now’ is the subject. Another possibility: “to be complete here and now, and…, ‘and’ is the subject. Neither of these options makes sense to me. Something like, ‘to be complete here and now, Johnny must be at ease” would be easier to understand. Consider revising this sentence group.

Consider checking your work for typing errors-
“make use of it assidously” –missing ‘u’ –assiduously.
“friee of preplexity” – extra letter in the word ‘free’ and inverted letters in ‘perplexity’.

You chose a great topic and you seem to be asking challenging questions. The mind body question is old but remains loaded with interesting debates. You seem to have some good ideas that I would like to read, but because I had so much trouble understanding the body of the work, the conclusion is lost on me. It sounds like it will be profound. I think some attention to grammar and word choice would greatly improve this piece. I look forward to reading more of your work.

Regards,
Tuesday
50
50
Review of My Last Chance  
Review by tuesday
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Ghostwriter,

I enjoyed reading your story "My Last Chance." The title caught my attention and made me wonder, last chance for what. And the first sentence of the story, "Its finally happening," let me know that this was something that the character "I" has been working on, thinking about for a long time.

You did a good job establishing I's passion. I saw and felt her desire clearly. The story flowed very nicely from the inner conversation and self focus to the outer real world concerns, and it ended perfectly, with an expression of the depth I's love for her friend. I really liked the subtly of the piece, the gentle flow, soft tone, and very elegant voice of the story. These really helped to reveal I's true character.

I stumbled a couple times in the reading, having to go back and try to figure out what the author meant. For example: the phrase, "the long forgotten desire to risk the truth" sounds eloquent and pretty, but what does it mean? How does one risk the truth? This became a sidetrack as I tried to figure it out. If one lies-the truth does not seem to be at risk, because it is still true. In other words the lie only masks the truth, but the truth is never at risk of not being true. What is at risk then is not the truth, but the exposure of I's truth/secret.

This philosophical jaunt took me quite a distance from the story. You may want to consider reprhasing to keep the reader closer to the story. -the long forgotten desire to risk exposing myself/my truth/my secret or something like that. I think we all understand the fear of self exposure.

The only other place I experienced awkward phrasing was in this line: "I have never felt the loss of a loved one more than this painful second that I am faced with all her beauty and grace, knowing that I will no longer be a significant part of her life from this day forth." I think it is the structure of the sentence that is causing the problem. I have never felt the loss of a loved one more than I have in this painful second, when... or I have never felt the loss of a loved one more than I felt it in this painful second, when... The comparison seems to require balance: I feel, my feelings.

I also noticed a couple instances of the passive voice that are strangly at odds with the tone of the story (I am overwhelmed; I am faced). I seems to be boldly facing herself, nonpassivly exploring her passion, desire, and love, and deciding on the best course of action. I wonder if this passive voice sets up an undertone of weakness/disempowerment. Is this an effect you wanted to create in this story? Her voice is so powerful it seems a shame to diffuse it with this type of incapacitation.

None of these errors are so overwhelming that they took away from my pleasure in reading your story. These are merely points of consideration. You are an excellent writer, express your thoughts exceptionally well, and convey passion easily through your words.

I look forward to reading more of your work.

Regards,
Tuesday
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