Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can.
Exclamation point after "They'll die"
"...turned his back on her..." - and instead of but? I think you can only use but if you say "but instead of running away" or something like that.
Thoughts in italics - "What did they ever do to you?"
"their mom called" instead of "Mom called" - I personally only think you can use Mom when it's from the POV of the son or daughter, and this is third person omniscient.
"telling her mother what Sam had been doing" - this is clear from the dialogue. Maybe "tattling on Sam" or "telling on Sam" or something like that.
When Becky's mouth is full of PB&J, consider altering the dialogue to show that. People pronounce things differently.
I would switch the "staggaring a bit under..." and "headed down the road..." or at least consider it.
"With and 8-year-olds logic..." I think this is also known to the reader. I think you can just say "He asked". We get the childlike nature of it.
The ending was really cute. It made me giggle and it's one of those things I never say coming. I love the title on this piece and how it relates to this story.
I guess something to think about in the first part of the piece, is what's the point? WHy do we care about this family and the location? I like how it relates to the ending, but there doesn't seem to be any meaning to why you chose the beach or the snails or anything. I know it's just a short cute story, and I think it stands very well on its own. Does it need to be more? No. Could it be, yes. Does it matter? That's up to you. I think this is fine as it is. I like it.
I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful as you choose to review and best of luck with publishing! I hope to see your work in print!
Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can.
The first thing I noticed in this poem was the use of "thou" and "thee". While this might be something you like and use, I would highly suggest removing it. A few reasons. 1)It sounds like it's trying too hard. 2)It's not relatable. No one talks like that. No one responds to language like that anymore. 3)Most people are highly turned off by that language because of fears from high school English and Shakespeare. 4)It's not natural, and thus makes the emotions feel unnatural - almost mocking to me. Poetry is a reflection of the world today. The greatest history book would focus on poetry which really captures the essence of the day in language, diction, colloquial phrases, etc. Thou and thee do not really fit.
The transition from cheeks to fervor and faith was a little confusing to me. There's really no transition.
I have no idea what you mean when saying "approaching on her god"
I liked the play on rose - you're referencing flowers and rising - I like it.
You're using thou in correctly in the third line of the second stanza. "thou beauty" should be "thy beauty" I think. I didn't think Thou was a noun and a possessive (you vs your)
Loved the last line, but it didn't seem to fit. There was no combat in this poem.
My overall impression of this poem is that it seems to be too much. The diction and the sentence structure seem unnatural and hard to understand and really not applicable to anything I experience in my life. I couldn't relate as a reader and it was a struggle to read it because of the language.
That being said, I think you write beautifully and have great ideas, but I really just can't get past the language.
I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful as you choose to review and best of luck with publishing! I hope to see your work in print!
Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can.
Line 1:Not fond of adjective "little"
Line 2: "sitting lonely in it's cage" is redundant since we know this from the first line. I would add a description like "leaning toward the doorway" or something.
Line 4 Maybe "so it can sing" - just seems more appropriate.
Line 5 Instead of adverb noisily "pounds" or something that creates a sound with a stronger verb.
Line 6,7 We know the bird is inside so this seems superfluous. Maybe say something else like "while the lights glow reflects off the shuttered window" or something that adds more to the scene.
Line 8-9 We already know there's no one and here's were you can combine 6-9 into a more descriptive, condensed and stronger description. Also end line 9 in a comma.
Lines 10-12 You had a lot of "alone" descriptions before, but he's not alone. There IS someone there, just clealy not up to the task. I would watch your details. I love the descriptions here with shirt untucked - you show instead of tell which is what you've been doing until now.
Stanza 3 I'm confused why the canary sings now cause it sounds like the man mentioned before has been in the room the whole time since you didn't have him entering. Again, watch repitition of descriptions cause it really is making your poem much longer. I would get rid of "of the storm" and "casting out all the light" - the candle IS still lit.
Stanza 4 (Sorry lost track of lines!)
-I would say man instead of soul.
-Comma after head.
-Watch "arm chair" and "with arms crossing" so close to each other.
-How does the canary know what the man is wishing? This seems pretty much from the canaries POV.
-I'm not sure how I like "breathing violently down our backs" (I would get rid of so and upon) - violently doesn't seem to fit. Something more suspenseful - looming?
-"slouches miserably" - the miserably is implied. Watch using too many adverbs.
Stanza 5
-I would get rid of still
I really think you nailed this more at the end, the last stanza, and really struggled with the beginning. I think that with the length of the introduction (the first four stanzas) should be cut in half. A lot of it is repetition, a lot of it is just descriptions that can be condensed. I feel the ending gets lost in the beginning which is just very long. You really do bring it together in the end. I think most people struggle with beginnings, or at least I do, and the ends are generally magnificent.
The other thing you should watch for is your use of adverbs. If possible, ditch the adverb or combine verb and adverb into a stronger verb that implies adverb. Example: says loudly yells. I pointed out a few cases above to get you started.
I know I was really picky on this and tried to get everything I could, but that's cause I really liked it and your writing style. I think once this gets cleaned up, it will be even stronger and definitely publication ready.
I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful as you choose to review and best of luck with publishing! I hope to see your work in print!
Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can.
So the first thing I noticed was that the first line of every line was capitalized. This is normally blah to me but I really liked it in this poem. It's my suggestions that you keep it. I think there's something about romance and the formality/vintage feel of it.
So, the first stanza, for me, was a weak beginning. The first line is a cliche, which is not attention grabbing.
In the second stanza, I would suggest using "nor" instead of "no". I think it sounds more poetic and it helps the flow IMO. Read it aloud and see what you think.
"heart-felt Love" - another cliche phrase where I felt you needed strength calling attention to love by capitalizing it.
By the end of the stanza, the "no this no that" is a bit much. Maybe consider breaking it up between stanzas more.
I honestly would keep the first line of the second to last stanza and cut the rest of it. The last stanza repeats what the second to last stanza says, but in a more compelling and specific way.
I think that a simple love poem is the best way to go, but I'm worried that you might have gone a little too simple. There were some cliches in there where you needed it to be strong (the beginning, Love). You have some good ideas in here, and I think you need to work with those and cut the rest and really pull out the emotions and the strength in this poem.
I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful as you choose to review and best of luck with publishing! I hope to see your work in print!
Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can.
First, let me say that I really enjoyed this poem. I also like the font you chose to put it in - but be careful about that when you submit cause a lot of them stipulate Ariel/Times and stuff. Just in case that was a poetic decision.
Onto the poem!
I'm not the biggest ran of the title, because from the title I never would have guessed that they were unwelcome - the first lines and the title, I'm not sure they fit. Maybe something like March of the House Guests or something that hints that they're leaving and you have their unwelcome-ness in the first stanza.
I would get rid of unwanted - the third line. I think by using invading before and disregard at the end of the stanza, you fully convey that and I like how it reads better without - much more smoothly and that fits with the rest of the poem.
I would use a - after familiar, I think that fits the thought process a bit better there. More of a connection, and hint that this is a stream of thoughts.
I'm not sure how I feel about the long line that makes us the third stanza. I'm also not feeling "What doom have they prepared?" Maybe more like boredom or drudgery or something a bit more fitting.
I think 4 hahas was a bit much - 3 sounds strained and the one after that sounds sarcastic - maybe see how you feel getting rid of one? How I'm reading it out loud, it sounds better, but maybe you read it a different way so that's really your choice.
I would specify whose article you're talking about - instead of the article either my or her or his and if it's the third person, I would put a name to it so it parallels the following part more.
I'm not sure what you're getting at with the pictures and the sad, sad, promising part. It felt disconnected and I'm not sure where it come from. I think there needs to be a short line or something of reference or maybe an "and" to connect to the article if it was from the same magazine.
I almost wish there had been one more short stanza like the Jerry one to show that there are more people with insignificant stuff to say. I think the effect will be better.
I loooooove the next two stanzas - the Pied Piper and the food as notes idea. I thought that was quite brilliant.
The last little bit was confusing to me. People follow Pied Piper so they would be following you upstairs when I thought you wanted them to leave. (Another reason why the title doesn't really make sense cause there are no goodbyes!) And the last line in particular is very vague and doesn't seem to connect to the concreteness of the poem. It ended on continuing the metaphor I think, when it should have circled back around to the concrete situation we had before, at least that's what I wanted.
I was super picky cause this was very well written and most of my suggestions are about single word changes - this is very crisp good writing and I can definitely see it having a home in a nice literary magazine.
I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful as you choose to review and best of luck with publishing! I hope to see your work in print!
My style of reviewing is stream of consciousness - I will just let you know what I find in order as I read through your piece and then I will give some general comments at the end if I have any. If you have questions about anything I say (as I can sometimes be rambly and unclear) please do not hesitate to email me.
I really liked the second paragraph. The descriptions were great and metaphorical enough for this prose/poetic piece.
There are two places where I think you need to italicize to indicate thought:
"Shut it again over his spoon, made it seem like the most natural motion in the world."
I would make this "Shut it again over the spoor, make it seem like the most..." like he's commanding himself to do it.
"So far, so good." These seems like his thoughts and less him as a narrator.
I would get rid of "Inconsequential things" - we know this by the previous things mentioned.
"throbbed behind his eyes" - Maybe instead of telling us what it's hidden behind, tell us what it has now infected - his brain - which part? his blood? etc.
Final comments: This poem had a really personal connection to it with the characters really coming alive and the story going somewhere - and then it stopped. Who was coming? Why? What's going on? There are so many unanswered questions in this - and maybe that's not the point. But without this information, the ending is very shallow and as a reader I couldn't connect to it. I didn't understand the guilt, so I didn't feel the guilt. I didn't understand the relationship, so I didn't understand the need to see this person. The emotions in the ending are the weakest in this story - which is a problem since I think that's where you were going for the impact. I would consider making this a story or giving more details instead of the "poem in prose" you described this as (which I'm not sure is very accurate cause there's nothing very poetic till the end.) My only other comment on the ending was the formatting. It wasn't needed and felt overdone - like you needed the spacing to make the point because the words itself weren't doing it. I liked the gradual shift from the left side of the page to the right, and the short lines on the right, cause that imitated falling - which is great. But I would get rid of the last centered line (make it to the right) and the spacing between the lines. I think you'll find that much more effective.
I hope you find my comments helpful as you choose to revise. This piece was very high quality writing, and I know you will take it places. There's just a few too many unsaid things in my opinion. Thanks for sharing and good luck with publication!
Rae
First Impression: After reading this poem through the first time, I was confused by the beginning but the clarity and despair of the end was really evident and touching to me. I thought most of the beginning was vague and hard to understand. I'll go into more detail.
The first stanza is very disjointed - you have too many ideas going on. 1)Metaphor of being asleep behind the wheel, 2)Noises that are distracting (which doesn't work with the idea of sleep which is peacefull) and 3)Maze - WOW. That's a bit too much to handle and none of the ideas are explored to the point of having any meaningful commentary/ideas for the reader to relate to. I think the beginning of the poem should be the part where you generally need to be setting up the reader. I would stick with the idea of noises and the maze and how they can be distracting and confusing and no way out. That image is a frightening one and I think it works well with mental illness.
The second stanza is really you just restating the same idea in three different ways. I like the serpent reference and I think this could be cut down to two lines at most. I think the idea of having stanzas of the same length and putting a certain idea in each stanza constricted you a bit and also made you a bit wordy and repetitive.
The third stanza is where this starts to get more personal. I think that you should combine the speaker of the third stanza with the maze and noises of the first stanza and make that the beginning of your poem. You would be taking the strongest ideas and the personality of the poem and introducing that right away.
I think the last two stanzas are the most telling of the poem and how fixing it is harder than it seems and this is also the part of the poem that seems the most organized and least repetitive. I think this style and ideas would be a good way to try to model the earlier parts of the poem off of.
SUMMARY: Likes!
-maze and noises images in the first stanza
-snake image and idea in the second stanza
-the personality brought in by the speaker in the third stanza
-the last two stanzas
Things to work on:
-too many ideas and metaphors repeating the same idea in slightly different ways
-disjointed beginning of the poem
I think with some work this would be a really strong poem that a lot of people can relate to and you do a GREAT job with the emotion and the despair and how hard it is to understand mental illnesses if you've never had one. This was a poem with a strong message, and with some tweaking could be absolutely amazing. I really was drawn to this poem and enjoyed reading it. Thank you so much for sharing this with the WDC community.
If you have any comments or questions about anything I have said, please feel free to email me and I can explain. I can't wait to see a revised copy of this.
Thank you for sharing this lovely poem with us. I really enjoyed the content and it left a little smile on my face cause we've all been in situations like this. For me it's the guy who has a disgusting cold in the middle of a test and is really distracting - so I DEFINITELY understand where you're coming from.
I have a few suggestions that I think would help the poem a bit in terms of content and flow:
In the second line, I'd change laughing to laughter because it feels more like a complete thought instead of being left really open and feeling like a run on sentence.
The first line of the second stanza needs reworking. I wish I had more specific comments but the flow of the poem is lost there. Maybe look for another word but bothersome - "The dribble of noise"?
In the third line of the second stanza, I don't think hither is the right word to use there. It wouldn't float hither, towards you, but away and up. Might want to check the meaning on that cause that's how I've always heard it used. I could be wrong as well though.
I have an issue with using quietly in the last line. I like the idea of them drifting downriver, but that image is a sort of fading out of noise, where the addition of quietly kinda changes the meaning a bit and confuses me as to what that really sounds like. Maybe quickly or something referring to time instead of sound? The sound is already described without that word.
These are only my comments and little things that I noticed when I read through the poem. I hope you find them helpful and informative if you choose to revise or maybe just to keep in mind when you're writing your next poem.
I saw your post in the General Discussion forum and I decided to hop over and take a look at some of the work you did. Haiku's are one of my favorite pieces of poetry to read because I *love* short and sweet - even though I can't write them as well.
My thoughts: Haiku's are traditionally non rhyming, and at least I feel that you should be careful introducing rhyme to a form that pretty much screams tradition, and using it to break tradition. I guess that's what poetry is about though - doing new things.
Nonetheless, with such a short poem, you should be wary of rhymes no matter what the form. The "ight" words, all 3, comprise 3/17s of the poem, and for me that felt a bit heavy. I kinda feel like I lost what you were talking about cause I just noticed the rhymes.
I do like the idea of this poem - what I got from it was a light at the end of the tunnel sort of feel. I'm not sure that "keeping me at peace" would be the correct ending though. You're BEGINNING to take flight, starting a journey, starting something new - while keeping is a static word. Hm. Might want to watch your diction. The poem is moving, then seems to stop.
I think that this poem is a hard style to attempt sometimes and I think you did a pretty good job. I did have my suggestions above, just as things to keep in mind. These are just my opinions and I'm trying to help you think about your poetry as I have been taught to do in my writing classes as well. I hope you found some of the comments helpful and enlightening.
Thank you for sharing this!
Rae Rae
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Exclamation point after "They'll die"
yells. I pointed out a few cases above to get you started.