*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/coffeespoons
Review Requests: OFF
139 Public Reviews Given
144 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 ... Next
1
1
Review of My City of Dreams  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, Naveed !

I am reviewing you on behalf of
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1875907 by Not Available.


Your poetry uses a narrative style that makes each poem a lyrical story for the reader to enjoy. I find that I haven’t come across or read many poems like this in a while, so it’s nice to see something a little different.

All my suggestions and comments below are my opinions, nothing more and nothing less. I offer them if you chose to revise or perhaps to raise awareness as you continue to write. Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can. *Bigsmile*


*Bullet* In the first couple stanzas, I really struggle with a lot of competing ideas you throw at us. While I think you may mean them to be interchangeable, I think that they are different enough that it’s causing me to be confused. Ordinary and insignificant are not the same to me, and I’m not sure what you’re really trying to get at. You then go on to say that they don’t think at all, but the line following says they think about money. There’s a few too many contradictions that seem to be muddying the point you are trying to make.

*Bullet* Another contradiction I’m struggling with is that they can’t think about religion but they fight and kill over it? These things can’t go together. Also, the statement that all religion holds love above all else is a really simple statement that I don’t quite think is true. While love is the core of a lot of religions, many also have a history and teachings that aren’t purely based in love.

*Bullet* I also think you may be using a few too many different ideas here – for example, first you talk about their view on money, then religion, then they fact that they don’t speak the same language. But the next line is that they fear being different when by definition you’ve already set up at least two conflicts because of differences – the war over religion and the differing languages.

*Bullet* Overall, you seem to be trying to talk to two different major themes in the poem, conformity and conflict. You begin and end the poem with a sort of conformity that seems to be a dystopian type of view, but then throw in a lot of conflicts between the people that don’t fit with that bleak sameness (e.g. religion, language, money). The story feels like it is mashed together from two thoughts, and I think you need to go back to the drawing board on this one from a theme and story stand point. The writing is good, a few of the rhymes felt a bit forced, but the rhythm and writing was overall well done. The struggle for me was with the content and the story you were trying to tell.


I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful if you choose to revise. If you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to email me back!

Thank you for sharing this with me and with WDC.

As always,
Kate


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
2
2
Review of Blaze Comes  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Pony Tale !

I stumbled upon this poem while browsing around and it made me so nostalgic for a sunny day and a field to run though as I sit cooped up on a rainy night in the city. I think this poem was very well done and definitely evoked the emotions in me that are described.

All my suggestions and comments below are my opinions, nothing more and nothing less. Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can. *Bigsmile*

*Bullet* The first three line breaks are a bit awkward to me. Maybe try: "...his noze/on my knee, my elbow/my ears, and gives me/..." You may need to adjust parts of the rest of the poem too, but those first three seemed odd to me.

*Bullet* "leaving me to the/sensations he created" - This is the only part of the poem that seemed intangible to me and vague. Maybe even just adding an adjective for what kind of sensations would be helpful but the rest of the poem is very specific and real and we can connect to the feelings. This part just stuck out for that reason.

Those are really the only suggestions I have to offer. I adored this poem and think it was very well-done overall. It was a great read.

I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful if you choose to revise. If you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to email me back!

Thank you for sharing this with me and with WDC.

As always,
Kate


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
3
3
Review of Dates  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, PureSciFi !

I stumbled upon this piece this morning while reading some items to get my creative juices flowing and wanted to offer you comments on this because I like the premise.

All my suggestions and comments below are my opinions, nothing more and nothing less. Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can. *Bigsmile*

*Bullet* The first thing I noticed was the writing style. It felt like this was meant for a much younger audience, mainly because of the repetition of the name in almost every sentence and the generally short sentences you use, instead of mixing up sentence length. The first part with Thoam definitely had that feel.

*Bullet* I like the idea of missed connections and how Robberti and Thoam's lives intersected in a moment of panic and what could have been horrific. I felt like that part of this was done a disservice though because it was glanced over completely and the build up of mundane tasks (the going about their lives), definitely necessary, was the focus of the story, which isn't the most interesting part to me.

*Bullet* I like how the characters continue with their lives after, but then I guess I'm missing what was the point. Who is Heictor and should I care? Why is that the ending? Was the story a chance meeting then nothing - which is fine, but then, again, I would think the meeting and almost accident would be the point of the story. Was Heictor the truck driver? I just wasn't sure what I was supposed to get from this.

I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful if you choose to revise. If you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to email me back!

Thank you for sharing this with me and with WDC.

As always,
Kate


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
4
4
Review of Where is the Time  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, rl !

I stumbled upon this on the review request page and hoped I could give some feedback to help you revise. All my suggestions and comments below are my opinions, nothing more and nothing less. Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can. *Bigsmile*

*Bullet* "Portrays in numerated scheme" - there is nothing inherently wrong with this line but for some reason it reads awkwardly to me and felt out of place. I think it's the stressed and unstressed syllables that are creating an odd rhythm compared to the rest of the poem.

*Bullet* Question mark after chest. I'm not sure if the entire stanza makes sense as a single sentence to me. Period at the end.

*Bullet* I'm also not sure I get the connection between the two stanzas. The first is very impersonal and doesn't seem to fit the themes and ideas in the second stanza. I felt like the poem may have been incomplete and wish there was a stanza or two more to feel more connected.

*Bullet* I did like the rhythm of the poem and felt it was easy to read and enjoyable as a whole.

I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful if you choose to revise. If you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to email me back!

Thank you for sharing this with me and with WDC.

As always,
Kate


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
5
5
Review of WINTER  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, ponkacheese !

I found this through the review request area on the homepage and thoroughly enjoyed this, so wanted to share my thoughts on ways I saw to improve. All my suggestions and comments below are my opinions, nothing more and nothing less. Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can. *Bigsmile*

*Bullet* I wasn't a fan of the quotation in the first lines, nor the first line itself. It seemed an odd way to begin the poem and I think the rest of the poem had a lot more flow and character to it. I struggled with the beginning, but once I got into it, the rest was lovely.

*Bullet* "She is beauty, and I am man" - great line.

*Bullet* "Particularly...friends" - I got a bit lost in this part. I felt like a line or two was missing to explain what you were trying to say. I liked the flow and the writing, just wasn't sure what you were saying. I assume Christmas, but it felt like a piece was still missing. What is happening before you open yours?

*Bullet* "His daughter" - who are you talking about? Is this God?

*Bullet* "I do not feel alone" - I'd delete.

*Bullet* "from the other three" - I'd delete. We get that without it being said and it seems to ruin the flow for me.

*Bullet* In general, I'd take a loot at the punctuation again. It feels like it's missing in some parts.

As I said, I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. The rhythm and the images were quite wonderful, and I like how you personified winter and intertwined your life and hers. It was done well.

I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful if you choose to revise. If you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to email me back!

Thank you for sharing this with me and with WDC.

As always,
Kate


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
6
6
Review of Handling Tigers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Pony Tale !

I saw the title of this poem and it reminded me of some pictures my friends have where they got to actually pet baby tigers, so was interested to see where this poem was going to take it.

All my suggestions and comments below are my opinions, nothing more and nothing less. Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can. *Bigsmile*

*Bullet* The repetition of black in the first stanza felt a bit off to me. I know it's accurate but maybe find another word? Also, aren't cats and dogs noses generally not black?

*Bullet* In the second stanza, it felt odd to have the line breaks after prepositions.

*Bullet* "serendipity blowing/in my hair" - I wasn't a fan of this line either. I like the realness of the descriptions you've been using and this felt like it was trying to be poetic, if that makes sense. I'd rather know if it was a warm breeze that carried salt from the ocean or the musk of a forest or something like that.

*Bullet* Love the third stanza.

*Bullet* "I've stood their ground" - I'm not sure about this. I like what you're staying but you mean it more literally when it has the connotation of "stand ones ground".

*Bullet* In the second to last stanza, watch the rhythm in the first few lines. I don't know if it's a punctuation deal but it's very halting compared to the rest of the poem which flows very well,.

*Bullet* "gleaned wisdom fair" - this part doesn't seem to fit either. The wildness and earthiness you've been evoking so far doesn't speak to wisdom but more danger and simplistic animalism feel. A respect but not wisdom. I just wasn't really buying it.

*Bullet* Great ending!


I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful if you choose to revise. If you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to email me back!

Thank you for sharing this with me and with WDC.

As always,
Kate


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
7
7
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello, Ethereal Freyja !

I love fairy tales so I adore when I stumble across one or a retelling of one. I wanted to give you my thoughts on this. All my suggestions and comments below are my opinions, nothing more and nothing less. Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can. *Bigsmile*

*Bullet* The first thing I noticed was how small the font was. It seemed smaller than the standard and that made this hard to read, especially for those of us who are losing their eyesight from spending too much time at the computer *Smile*

*Bullet* The first paragraph seems to set up the audience of the story as a child from the repetition and use of "teeny tiny".

*Bullet* I liked the Nut everything. I think you might have gone a bit overboard with the tiny part in the second paragraph. Also, I'd take a look at your punctuation in the second paragraph. I noticed a few things that were odd and there's tons of commas and it may be a bit much.

*Bullet* I'd combine the second and third paragraphs and see if you can consolidate the thoughts a bit since it's a little heavy on the nuts. Also, is there a reason you are just using nut instead of WalnutCookies and WalnutSoup?

*Bullet*In the fourth paragraph, this is the first time you introduce the first person narrative. I'd skip it and just keep it in the storytelling third voice you use. Just say, "There is one special fairy, named Lilly, and she was allergic to nuts." Then, continue with the story.

*Bullet* The paragraph beginning "Her name was Lilly" again had waaaaay too many commas. Even in the spoken voice, it added unnatural and frequent pauses that really broke up the story. I struggled also with the faking it part - what did she eat if everything was nuts?

*Bullet* I think maybe the comma thing is a style issue I have. I'm just noticing it a lot more in the narrative sections than in the beginning.

*Bullet* The Wizard part felt a little out of place because I don't think it was explained enough. In the beginning, maybe you should hint that the fairies are one of many magical creatures the world has forgotten or just give a bit more detail on the Wizards (forgotten in fairy myths, travel great distance to get there, etc.) Just connect it to the story a bit more.

*Bullet* On her trip she ate nuts?? If she was allergic she'd be dead.

*Bullet* "She would never be the same" - is this a breaking of spirit or body? It feels odd here. I'd skip it, just say she's tired, and go straight to the wizard chess game.

*Bullet* I'd like to know before the chess game what the "a lot" was she would owe the wizard, or at least make it very clear that she was so desperate she didn't agree to specific terms.

*Bullet* I like the twist at the end, but it didn't feel like the narrative did it justice. It seemed rushed and after she was already broken from the trip (another reason I want to delete that part), it seemed less meh. Why did the wings mean she would die alone? Why didn't she try to go back to the fairy tree and then get rejected or accepted? I felt this part could have been a lot stronger.

*Bullet* I really like the dark ending with the sing-songy voice of the narrator as if she was telling it to a child.

Overall, I do want to reiterate my comments about revisiting the punctuation. I found the overabundance of commas extremely distracting and often just incorrect usage. I think the story here is great, and some parts of the narrative just need to be cleaned up to better carry it.

I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful if you choose to revise. If you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to email me back!

Thank you for sharing this with me and with WDC.

As always,
Kate


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
8
8
Review of Dancing Queen  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Literarycat !

I found this through the random reviews page and thought I'd see if I could offer any comments or suggestions that would help you finish the story. First, if this is only 500 words, I think you take a long time to set up the initial interaction. If you have to finish up this scene/story in 250 words, that's not a lot of room for action. When doing something at 500 words, you have very little room to make an impact. It seems to me that you're not sure what the climax/ending is, what you want to say. Having a beginning is good, but you're missing the largest part of it. I'd back out completely and start from scratch. What is the ending/message/etc. that you want to get to? Is this a meeting? A reunion? How do you want the reader to feel - confused, disgusted, intrigued? Once you have those points down, figure out what actions would evoke these feelings. Once you figure out what you want to say, go back to this and work towards it. This is your story so I don't want to put any specific words or thoughts into your head or tell you how to write it. Hope this at least helps with the thought process.

Good luck!
Kate


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
9
9
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi AbigailStevie -

While I'm a bit removed from college, I did just write my personal statement for going to law school so hopefully I can offer some insight. I think the best place to start is actually the last paragraph you wrote. If you want to write about why you want to be a doctor - start with explaining why to yourself, just as you did. You're clearly drawn to helping others, but there's a piece about how you had to build and win your own confidence to know you could do it. I think that part is evident in the stories above, but I don't see any part about where that desire to help came from or how you have practiced it. Are you involved in any volunteering that left an impact on you? Did you ever tutor or inspire someone or help someone else overcome a fear or problem - no matter how small? I think that would really speak to your motivations and being able to personalize the motivations for why you want to be a doctor. If you're looking for a recommendation based on the three that you already have, I'd go with the first one, though I think it will be hard to tie to why you want to be a doctor, but personal statements don't have to just be about what you want to do the rest of your life. Mine was about finding a passion for social advocacy through volunteering, and particularly about a teacher who inspired me to get involved. I was going to a school to study physics - so it was really about the part of the school that attracted me besides academics. Just giving you other things to think about when writing this. Let me know if this was helpful at all and if you have any more questions or want to get more thoughts and feedback, feel free to email me whenever! Good luck applying to college! I know it's a really exciting but also frightening time in life.

-Kate


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
10
10
Review of Into the Fire  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, Jefferson M. Suede }!

I found this piece on the review request forum and hope to give a review that you find helpful. I will pay specific attention to writing style and plotline as requested, but also point out other things I notice as I go. For ease of reading, I'd consider not double spacing but just doing spacing between paragraphs. I find that easier to read.

Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can. *Bigsmile*

*BulletG* In the first paragraph, I'm not sure you need the thought "spoken" like that in his head. I'd just keep it as narrative.

*BulletG* We're obviously in a different world where there is magic and new creatures. I also like that you introduced some of the conflict early on with the past war.

*BulletG* The first thing I noticed with the writing style here is that you have a lot of short sentences. There's a lot of opportunity to combine them and reduce the amount of words you need to say the same thing. Varying sentence length often helps a reader, and a lot of short sentences make it feel almost simplistic or that it's geared toward a younger audience.

*BulletG* If she's truly a goddess, I'd capitalize Goddess and maybe even Lady why he refers to her. Also, it seems unlikely that she'd be surprised that he came. I'd imagine she'd expect it.

*BulletG* He doesn't seem to respect her that much - or finds her amusing like a child. "She was always very ritualistic." This doesn't seem weird to me. I'm not sure I believe his reaction or this interaction between the two characters so far. I'd delete everything from "The Captain chucked...everywhere she went."

*BulletG* Ah, so they are somewhat equals. That makes more sense. His voice doesn't sound like that of an immortal unless he is a young one, so I'd still be careful. If beauty no longer fazes him, why does the calm night or his memories of bloodshed? He seems entirely mortal in his reactions yet has some of the loss of wonder of immortality - but it seems weird which things he kept and lost.

*BulletG* Again, I don't really believe the dialogue and the goddess requesting him to do things especially when it's a "task given to him".

*BulletG* Once Tehrlak is introduced, I lose a bit here too. I'd like to have seen more on the backstory here, a lot more, and also some personal observations by the Captain so that we can start to understand him more.

*BulletG* Chuckled at the thought of killing Tahrlak? It seems he feared him before? I don't get his character and a lot of his thoughts don't match his dialogue which don't match his stature in relation to other gods (or isn't explained well enough)...it's just hard to believe. Even hints about it without full explanations - like is he really above them in a way to call them to a meeting? If not, he should be suggested it instead. As of right now, I'm struggling with this a lot.

*BulletG* I would like to have seen more about how the world reacted to too much magic. I like that idea. Do they react to it too? Are they uncomfortable near each other or when there's so much around? Or do they drunk off all the magic?

*BulletG* I really don't know if I believe the behavior of the gods, especially when Reyes and Sefhrea were introduced. Sefhrea seems like a child - not someone about war and temper. Temper is violence, not sticking her tongue out. And Reyes and perfection? That seems odd too...I'd think a god would either think of themselves as perfect or be wise enough to understand it doesn't exist. Again, the motivations and characterizations seem odd. Even with wildly stereotypical characteristics, there would be likely decorum or something...I just don't believe that they are immortal beings.

I think that was my main problem is I didn't believe the characters nor their dialogue, couldn't get a sense of what their relationships were like, and therefore the plot seemed to just kinda be there without any support. The quick introduction of certain things (e.g. Luficer) was probably meant to be interesting, but for me it was just more reason to find it hard to believe what was going on.

I really like the concept of the Time Before and new gods. I'm not sure I fully buy into the fact that they decided organizing similarly to the Greek gods (e.g. God of [stuff]) really would have evolved. If they are just god of stuff and not territory, why care about the humans? It's clearly for more than amusement or lust, which seemed to be most of historical constructs of gods motivations.

I think you have good idea here, but I think you need to take a second look at characters and how you introduce plot points. It moved a bit fast, which isn't bad, and having pieces that we don't understand right now isn't a bad thing, but too much of this I just couldn't get on board with as is.

I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful as you choose to revise and would be happy to explain anything that may not have made sense. If you revise and want me to take another look, please let me know.

Best,
Kate


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
11
11
Review of Trapped  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, fendi !

I found this posted on the review request in & out and hoping I can provide some helpful feedback to you!

All my suggestions and comments below are my opinions, nothing more and nothing less. Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can. *Bigsmile*

*Bullet* The first think I noticed when reading this is that it seems like you didn't do any edits on it yourself. There are no apostrophes in contractions and the punctuation is sparse - more by oversight it seems than for a purpose. This makes it look sloppy and is distracting to me as a reader.

*Bullet* You do a lot of telling in this poem instead of showing. There is always a balance between the two, but often telling is harder for a reader to connect to. What does the pain feel like? What does fading away feel like? The more you can show a reader, relate it to an experience, a feeling, the more the reader can relate to the poem.

*Bullet* A lot of the ideas you use here are very common when it comes to being locked inside yourself - where depression, other mental illness, or just having a really bad day. Because of that, I felt like I could be reading almost any other poem. What about this is unique to YOU? I'm reading this because I want to connect with it, but also because I want to see a unique perspective, connect with YOU specifically. I didn't get enough to really see into something new.

*Bullet* I did like the idea of having a lot of keys and doors - kind of an Alice in Wonderland feel to it. If I were to suggest a place to start a rewrite, I would make that the focal point. Being trapped but having the way out but it's such a hard task that it seems like it may never happen. Then take it a step further - maybe as you keep trying or keep walking more doors appear, and more keys on whatever you're carrying until they weight you down like the chains you mentioned before. Then make it creepier - give us the sounds of demons that scare you but at the end you realize you're making those sounds. Make the air cold, your breath freezing...etc. You have ideas here that work - but finding a new way to put them together that uses all the senses instead of just telling us is what I think will really strengthen this poem.

I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful if you choose to revise. If you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to email me back!

Thank you for sharing this with me and with WDC.

As always,
Kate


Like this review? Check out:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1875907 by Not Available.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
12
12
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, Greg Justin Hall !

I found this while poking around for something to read and get me inspired to (or procrastinate) working on some of the pieces that are sitting unfinished in my queue.

Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can. *Bigsmile*

*Bullet* Is the quote from something? If so, it need to be cited. If not, you can probably remove the quotes and just italicize. Even if it's a quote from the world you've created, would be good to have the source (e.g. Robert Jordan)

*Bullet* In the first paragraph, I think some of the descriptions and word choice could be stronger, longer, and therefore better set the tone and location for us. Why are the mountains looming? Is it because this part of the mountain range blocks the sun, are they rockier, more dangerous, are there legends about the mountains? For the longer part, I wish we got a bit more than the grass and the mountain. Bring us into the scene - what does the grass feel like? Besides the air being cold, there is a crispness and freshness to Montana air that many people probably don't get, so would be a good thing to describe.

*Bullet* four by four - feet? inches? acres?

*Bullet* Again, we moved pretty quickly to the patch that leads to a tunnel. Also, fake grass blows in the wind - why did this not? I don't think that was well explained. In fact, if you're trying to keep something hidden, it's a bad idea in general. While a remote location seems to be a big part of the hiding, I doubt someone would go through that effort just to make it easy to spot. Maybe the grass felt different, reflected differently in the sun, smelled different - something more subtle?

*Bullet* Introducing the characters full names here is a bit odd. I'd just use Michael and Alicia - you can do full names in dialogue or doing backstory somewhere.

*Bullet* Watch POV - I'm not an expert but it seems you're blurring a bit between third person omniscient and third person focusing on Michael.

*Bullet* For descriptions, I wish we could have seen more of Michael and Alicia. Michael could be ignoring or not caring about the state of dress or dirt on himself but would give us clues for where he'd come from. When he looks at Alicia, he can notice some of her more prominent features - eyes, lips, etc. Maybe injuries?

*Bullet* A rustling sound when you already describing a wind blowing through the grass doesn't seem like it would grab anyone's attention. Maybe a different onomatopoetic word?

*Bullet* Why does Michael move a few pieces of grass - it's normally not that high that he couldn't look over it unless it was crouched, which it doesn't seem he is from the descriptions.

*Bullet* Alicia's reaction to Michael's shooting seems really out of place. She takes a moment to collect herself? At this point, her adrenaline is pumping and it's probably instinct (if it fits her background) or she can yell at herself to deal with it later. It seems very nonchalant for watching someone get shot in front of her. Being able to clarify her actions will also start with characterization and give us hints about her background. Even her hiding feels so nonplussed. She cries a bit for the love of her life - why does she think they wont come to the tunnel and shoot her? Why does she feel safe? There is a lot missing here that I think really should be expanded.

*Bullet* Military style men - this is why I think having the grass not move doesn't fit. If this is the kind of person people are hiding from, it doesn't work.


So that was a lot of suggestions but I think for me it really comes down to level of description. I felt like there weren't enough to really get a sense of the location, get a sense of the characters (no matter how brief), and feel the suspense. I pointed out ways in which I thought you could help add these elements and make this a stronger introduction. Because of how this begins, you're going to have to make me care about Alicia if I'm going to keep reading. Why do I want to find out what happens to her? Right now, I'm not sure if I do. From her reactions, she seems shallow, weak, a follower, and that she doesn't get the magnitude of their situation. I doubt that's true if, even with someone's help, she made an escape from somewhere that warrants death. You have good ideas and I think a good hook here - just make it really work.


I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful as you choose to review and best of luck with publishing! I hope to see your work in print!

-Kate


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
13
13
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, stephen !

Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can. *Bigsmile*

*Bullet* If this person was so important, I feel like the first line should be more specific on the time.

*Bullet* I think the last two stanzas are great. There's imagery, a feeling of nostalgia, and enough specifics that you feel transported there almost. It could be a bit more descriptive - taste, smells, temperature, etc. Overall, I think this is the heart of the poem.

*Bullet* The first two stanzas just don't do it for me in the same way. It seems rushed and very bland in comparison. There's no buildup to understand why her leaving hurt so much, no understanding of the passion beyond you claiming you fell in love. I wish you had gone to a level of detail here that is more like the second half of the poem - describe her, how her hand felt in yours, the rightness of it. To me, it felt like almost a different author or different poem altogether.

I think this has potential to be a great poem - especially with the strength of the second half. I think if you could take the elements that make that strong and apply it to the first stanzas, this would be phenomenal.

I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful as you choose to review and best of luck with publishing! I hope to see your work in print!

-Kate


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
14
14
Review of A Love So True  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Tim Chiu !

I stumbled upon this while perusing poetry on the site and was in the mood for reading something romantic - this definitely caught my eye.

All my suggestions and comments below are my opinions, nothing more and nothing less. I offer them if you chose to revise or perhaps to raise awareness as you continue to write. Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can. *Bigsmile*

I really enjoyed the flow and the tone of the poem - I think you did a good job capturing the tranquility and comfort of being with someone you love and trust while watching one of nature's most beautiful scenes - a sunset.

I think the biggest thing that I would suggest to improve this poem is to take out all of the adjectives and adverbs and read it to yourself. I think you'll find that the poem relies very heavily on them for creating a descriptive scene - e.g. the first two lines have three different adjectives for beautiful. I think something that would really help draw the reader into the scene is to use more descriptive nouns and verbs and paint of picture of the area. We all know a sunset is beautiful, and you mention orange and crimson sky - but sunsets are so much more complex than that. Are there wisps of clouds shaped like reflected ocean waves (making this up as I go...not the greatest)? What about the other senses besides sight? What are the smells, the feel of the ground, the breeze? I wanted to be drawn more into this scene but felt that was hard with the current descriptions.

I definitely think this is a solid start that captures that comfort and love that evolves over time but is particularly there in the simple every day moments we share.


I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful if you choose to revise. If you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to email me back!

Thank you for sharing this with me and with WDC.

As always,
Kate


Like this review? Check out:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1875907 by Not Available.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
15
15
Review of A Definition  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi fyn !

I stumbled across this poem and wanted to convey how much I enjoyed it. I love short simple poems that pack a punch. Some haikus have stuck with me for years, and this one definitely falls into that category. I really enjoyed the play between "Peace is" and "Pieces", that's what really brought this home with that kick in the gut. I wish I had something constructive to add - perhaps with the title? Maybe "Peace: A Definition"? Thank you for sharing this with me and with WDC - this is definitely a favorite of mine I have read so far.

All the best,
Kate


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
16
16
Review of Tired  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Fivesixer !

All my suggestions and comments below are my opinions, nothing more and nothing less. I offer them if you chose to revise or perhaps to raise awareness as you continue to write. Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can. *Bigsmile*

I found this poem while perusing WDC poetry in general, and found that it really spoke to me. There was a simplicity that captures the emptiness in the repeated images, and I really enjoyed this read.

This was really apparent in the first stanza. The desert, tired tracks, and boogie man all bring the emotion to the forefront. The idea of the boogie man - that there's some outside force or someone else you wish you could blame, but then it becomes clear it's the "you" in this.

The second stanza to me loses a bit of this quality. The rhythm isn't there, and I'm not quite sure what it adds to the poem. It doesn't offer more clarity to the situation, and for me, actually confused me a bit more. I'm not sure what or who "the compliants" are - did you mean complaints? I'd honestly get rid of this piece of it because...

The third and fourth stanzas have the same qualities of the first that make it work. It plays with the images and words and returns to the same rhythm. The fourth wraps it up nicely, circling back to the images that started this, similar to how it seems you're running in circles in the relationship.

I think the last line is also a bit superfluous - those ideas are easily shown in the rest of the poem, and I think having it stated bluntly is blunt when the poem does a really good job using subtlety and images to evoke that round and round feeling - clearly not going anywhere or getting each other. I think it's more powerful ending with "and we don't get/very far."


I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful if you choose to revise. If you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to email me back! As I said, I found this read very enjoyable overall, and wanted to offer suggestions that would make it stronger to me.

Thank you for sharing this with me and with WDC.

As always,
Kate


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
17
17
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, DonnaB~On a Roll! !

I am reviewing you on behalf of
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1738620 by Not Available.


All my suggestions and comments below are my opinions, nothing more and nothing less. I offer them if you chose to revise or perhaps to raise awareness as you continue to write. Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can. *Bigsmile*

This is a great tribute to the Statue of Liberty near our national holiday. As a whole, I feel this was very well-written and almost an ode to her in a way. The rhythm and rhyme are very well done and do not feel forced or awkward to me, which is hard to do! I have a few suggestions outlined below.

The first two lines of the poem felt out of place to me. Like I said, this felt like an ode, a celebration, yet this opens with a question. I would change it to a statement. It just doesn't seem to fit.

In the first stanza, the fifth line, I think "the" should be on the next line down. It reads better that way and you avoid the awkward line break there.

Again, I'd get rid of the question of the second stanza too. Just make it affirmative.

In the third stanza, I'd cut out the repetition and just make it "Shelter us with Your shield,/Your sword, Your light!/Move us ever forward in peace." If you choose to do this, I'd also combine it with the fourth stanza so it matches the form of the rest of the poem.

Lastly, the last stanza, having the line break with "of" is very awkward. I would move "Your land" up a line, and let "be forever free." be it's own line. It's pretty much summing up America and a great ending without the "Your land" part. It is just the heart of what we are as Americans, because the people and the land and everything are free. Yes, I definitely think it should be it's own line.

I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful if you choose to revise. If you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to email me back!

Thank you for sharing this with me and with WDC.

As always,
Kate


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
18
18
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello Itchy Water~fictionandverse ! Here's one of the reviews from "Invalid Item"  Enjoy!

All my suggestions and comments below are my opinions, nothing more and nothing less. I offer them if you chose to revise or perhaps to raise awareness as you continue to write. Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can. *Bigsmile*

The first thing I look at is the title. From the title, we do get that sense of mystery already. I wish the title had matched the first line though with "The House Atop the Hill" instead of "A House..." I think it works better.

I also found a house hovering to be a bit...strange. Perhaps hovers is not what you meant? Looming, perhaps?

The second stanza could be tighter in terms of writing - there was a lot of repetition of "the story", and I think rearranging some of the sentences would help with that and maybe also help the flow. It's a bit start and stop because of that.

The ending was completely unexpected, which I liked a lot! Maybe you can hint at that a bit earlier? Maybe when I mentioned the "hovers" above, you can use a word that might convey that the viewpoint is from the house? Or put in another clue or two in there somewhere? I think there needs to be a few clues because they will also increase the bleakness of the poem because the speaker is tormented as you say, but the first two stanzas seemed more inquisitive than tormented.

I think this is a great start! I pointed out a few wording and voice issues I found above, which I think, when fixed, will really make this stronger!

I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful if you choose to revise. If you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to email me back!

Thank you for sharing this with me and with WDC.

As always,
Kate


Like this review? Check out:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1875907 by Not Available.
19
19
Review of The red scarves  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, Euterpe !

I found this poem while browsing the poetry section of the static items page, and was curious about the colors of our lives description.

All my suggestions and comments below are my opinions, nothing more and nothing less. I offer them if you chose to revise or perhaps to raise awareness as you continue to write. Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can. *Bigsmile*

First, the little thing that stood out to me was that the title wasn't capitalized. While this is a stylistic thing, I would make it "The Red Scarf."

In the first stanza, I wasn't a fan of the repetition of "the used scarves" in both lines. I think you could have connected the two ideas like "to tie my hands/and bind my eyes" which also adds some cool assonance. A grammar note is that scarves is a plural word, and "its" is singular. They need to match. It seems you want singular from the title. I liked the idea of the sun's fire and dripping bitterness. However, the sun and fire aren't really red, and you were really focused on this color, so that didn't quite feel like the right comparison to make. There are other brilliant reds in nature that might have made a better comparison.

In the second stanza, the question in the first two lines seems to be to guide the reader toward a certain line of thinking, but we don't need to be guided. I think mentioning that this was a moment of your death helps us put a persona to the "they" that are mentioned in the first stanza but not really explained.

I thing a general problem I had when reading the second paragraph is how much you just tell us, instead of showing us. The reader is generally able to draw conclusions from images. You use the word color a lot, when you can reword things to avoid it. Instead of dark colors, use darkness, for example.

I think that you have good ideas here, but I think the abundance of telling, and the often more prose-like flow obscured the ideas you were trying to get across. I think revisiting this and considering the reader and how to SHOW instead of TELL would greatly strengthen both the ideas and the experience of the poem for the reader.

I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful if you choose to revise. If you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to email me back!

Thank you for sharing this with me and with WDC.

As always,
Kate


Like this review? Check out:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1875907 by Not Available.
20
20
Review of untitled 1  
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello, Wrath.of.Khan !

I am reviewing you on behalf of
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1753427 by Not Available.


Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can. *Bigsmile*

The thing that I noticed most with your writing is that you do a lot of telling on top of the showing. Prose is most effective when you convey actions and allow the reader to infer things. A simple example of this in your work is "I surrender" followed by the actions of him surrendering, slamming the pen down and going to the intercom. You do the showing well - I don't think there's anything that needs to be added or taken away - but the telling is all over the place. I think getting rid of the telling can both help make this shorter, as you mentioned you were trying to do, and also make this easier to read in general.

The beginning of this story is a bit slow to start - and it really livens up with Cody gets there. I think the first part of this should be where some debulking should really happen. I've included specific comments below to suggest where I think you can get rid of things, reword things, etc.

*Right*I'd put the actual time in the first sentence instead of just after two. It grounds the reader a bit better.
*Right*Delete the second sentence in the first paragraph. Telling and this is repeated/shown later.
*Right*The last sentence is telling of what we can infer from him still working on it after it being sent back multiple times.
*Right*The entire second paragraph - does this really matter? Does this tie in later to the story? If not, it might just be extra unneeded detail.
*Right*The second sentence of the third paragraph - again, repetitious of what the reader can already infer.
*Right*I'd switch the order of the "As it happens" and "Cody's been my best friend" paragraphs cause you should introduce the character before describing him. It just reads better and makes more sense.
*Right*Delete the Hint: part - it's not quite clever enough and just feels like a "duh" to the reader - I don't think it has the bite you were going for.
*Right*"get jiggy" and "shindig" are a bit dated words - I'm pretty sure no matter how old you were, you would not hear those said in the city.
*Right*Qualifiers such as "As it happens" and "to be exact" are unnecessary to the story.
*Right*I'd delete the entire paragraph "So I think I have a reason..." Again, it doesn't seem to add much to the story and we can get a sense of his financial situation from other details. This is another example of where you're telling a lot instead of showing.
*Right*I'd delete "Funny, he drove down.." sentence - we can infer this.
*Right*"Good THING (not think) I had a metro card..."
*Right*Delete "Six years in the Bronx..." sentence, "and the Bronx isn't as tough as it was in its heydey", and "I surrender".
*Right*Also delete the parenthetical descriptions - telling and doesn't add anything to the story.

Most of my suggestions above were to clean up the writing a bit and hopefully point out some of the telling to you. I think Cody really starts the story going so focusing on that and not spending too much time at the beginning would really help. However, I think it's just good enough (with a little trimming down) so that we get a good characterization and an introduction to the relationship these two have.

I'll make sure I save this and try and work my way through the other parts as well so I can finish up the story.


I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful as you choose to revise and best of luck with publishing!

All the best,
Rae
21
21
Review of Circle of Renewal  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, iluvhorses !

I hope this review finds you well today and that you are enjoying your holiday! I stumbled upon this poem when browsing the newly posted poetry, and saw that it was haiku, which I really liked. Haiku are traditionally non-rhyming and about nature, so it was interesting to see you use them for something completely different. All the opinions expressed in my review are mine and mine alone. You can choose to completely ignore them because this is your work. I offer them only in order to help make the poem more effective to me as a reader.

The first thing that might just be a personal pet peeve, but there's no punctuation in the poem. I would go back and add it in, because it tells the reader how to read the poem.

The second thing I noticed was that the short lines of the haiku paired with the rhyme made this poem really stop and start. It was very jerky cause I felt like I came to a halting stop at the end of each line. Most of the lines also stood alone and you paused after them, instead of flowing into the next line, grammatically, which also adds to that stop-and-start feel which made the poem really hard to read. I felt like I never got the full sense of each stanza because the lines didn't come together at all. It was just extremely hard to read. I really don't think the haiku style worked with the rhyme for this reason.

Also, some of the rhymes seemed awkward and unnatural, which added to that jerky feeling of the time as I mentioned above. The second stanza is a good example of this - the metaphors you used were unrelated and un-explored because you went for the rhyme over the continuity and depth of sticking with a single metaphor.

All in all, I really felt that the form and rhyming you chose to use really hindered this poem, and I couldn't even get to what it was about because I struggled so much with the technical aspects. I'm a believer that the technical aspects should support but never overshadow the words, because that's what I feel is the heart of poetry. This is purely my opinion, but here, I felt the technical aspects acted as a complete barrier to the poem.

There is a journey in this poem from fighting and pain to the end of peace, but I don't feel like I got to really see this journey.

I hope that you found my comments and suggestions helpful if you chose to revise this poem, or that it will give you something to think about in writing your future poems. Thank you for sharing this with me and with WDC.

All the best,
Rae
22
22
Review of Overcoming Fears  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Prosperous Snow celebrating !

I hope this review finds you well today! I stumbled upon this while trying to find some examples of the Balassi Stanza - I guess you're entering the "A Poem A Day" contest as well! Best of luck to you in the contest!

I thought this was a really good example of the calming and inspiring effect of sometimes just turning over your life into the hands of God and trusting that things will work out. My only little comment on this poem is that the last two lines felt a bit forced and were a little awkward to me, probably because of the rhyme. I am terrible with rhyme, so my whole poems tend to come out sounding forced and awkward, so I'm impressed how natural most of this poem read. Maybe you might play around with those lines a bit more? Then again, maybe it was just my reading that made me feel that way.

In any case, thank you for sharing this with me and with WDC! I wish you best of luck with the contest and I think you inspired me to try out the rhyming form though I haven't rhymed in YEARS. *Smile*

All the best,
Rae
23
23
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, Dr. Dnomyar !

I hope this review finds you well today. I stumbled across your piece while just browsing the new poems posted on this site. I saw that you mentioned that this is not finished but also that you're not sure where to go with it.

The first thing you need to decide is whether you are writing this as a main idea of sorts, a story, or is it developing on it's own? Are the words flowing, or do you have have a certain end that you are trying to meet? At this point as a reader, I cannot see the "point" or "main idea" that you are trying to get at, so I'm not sure how helpful I can be.

I do want to say that so far, it seems each line in itself wants to be more, develop more. The three lines feel unconnected except for the repetition of hill and stone, stone and hill. The theme is there, but the transition between the lines is not smooth at all. You go from broad description to the experience of the men marching to a personal "I", when the first two lines were in third person. So watch this tense change. It's very confusing. The thoughts make a natural flow, but the wording of the sentences does not provide a smooth transition between lines.

Secondly, the repetition of "hill and stone, stone and hill" in EACH line seems a bit too much for me, and it loses power. Hill and stone to me seem to represent struggle, cold, death. Repeating and inverting really makes a statement: stone of those dead left behind while the rest climb up the hill; hill of the struggle leading only to death. It's powerful and good, but the more you repeat it instead of using it maybe 3 times max to highlight a particular scene or moment really takes away in my opinion.

Personally, I would rather see you take the details out of it and focus on the themes of struggle, death and war together and how they intermix. The "king of Ture" means nothing to me, and I'm not sure it's going to add anything to the poem. However, like I said above, the "hill and stone, stone and hill" is a powerful symbol that I think you can really run with in this poem. I would also pick a tense to write it and stick with it. Personally, I think third tense worked better for this.

I hope my comments could spark something in your process that might help you write on. I cannot tell you what this poems should be because it is your work, only offer my opinion to where I see it now and where I can see it going. If you have any questions or what me to clarify anything, please let me know!

Good luck with finishing this! When it is completed, perhaps drop me an email and I'll take another look at it!

All the best,
Rae
24
24
Review of In death  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Breannan Hepburn !

I hope this review finds you well today. I stumbled upon this poem while browsing the poetry section and wanted to give my feedback on this. Death is one of those things that seems so distant that these things never cross my mind, so I love reading what other people think about because it inspires inner reflection of myself. For that, I always appreciate poems that ponder things like legacy. As a disclaimer, all my thoughts and comments below are clearly just my own opinions and are given to perhaps inspire thought about your poem and as a possible help if you choose to revise.

First, I really like the second line - how it almost plays it off as something small, but yet has a finality to the line as well. Might I suggest that instead of just listing them to go for common phrases like "kick the bucket" to enhance this feeling that is both trying to play it off yet still repeating the idea of death so much. As a formatting suggestion to go along with that, perhaps indent the other phrases? Like:
"If I were to die tomorrow,
         kick the bucket
         bite the dust
         depart this world
         expire
         croak."

Lines 3-5 seems to have a bit too much repitition of ideas to me - I think you'd be fine with one phrase "I would like my words/to be eternal"

The "facade you project" - I'd like to see it. Are you a business person? Maybe make specific references to this facade so we can see the contrast between that and your poet self.

I would also cut the lines "forget who I am/I create an illusion I cannot live up to" because I feel the ending has a tone of truly embracing the poet in your - the words and tone are more beautiful, and those two lines interrupt that tone and feel out of place. I think ending on that thought of the truth of yourself is important and you shouldn't muddle that with references to the facade. Maybe consider moving them up to when you first mention the facade you project?

I enjoyed reading this and I really think that it has some strong thoughts and ideas in there. For me, these ideas would have been made more prominent if the changes I mentioned above were taken into account. However, these might just be my stylistic wishings and not fit you as a writer. I offer them only as suggestions and hope I explained them well enough to justify why I suggested them.

If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to email me back!
Thank you for sharing this with me and with WDC!
All the best,
Rae
25
25
Review of Good-Bye  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Prosperous Snow celebrating !

I hope this review finds you well today. I stumbled upon this while reading various poems and really felt something in this poem and wanted to write to you with my thoughts and a few suggestions, if you're open to them. If not, ignore them, for they're just my thoughts and opinions, nothing more and nothing less.

First, I actually really like this form. I'm normally not into minimalist poetry, but the choppiness and small build up in each stanza I think offers something powerful to these short, emotional encounters we have in life that do seem to happen in very specific time steps. From that, I think you picked the right subject and tone to fit the form of this poem, which really was just an overall enhancement for me.

A little comment - "step forth" felt strangely formal with the rest of this poem. It felt more like a step forward to me instead of the harsh "get out" the rest of the poem had. It just didn't seem to fit.

The only other thing that really struck me was that I felt left a bit wanting as a reader - the idea of the sour stomach churning felt like it was the beginning of something, some final buildup that happens right after the person DOES leave, but I was left right when I felt like I was getting into it. I almost wish you had expanded this poem beyond the form such that there were like 3-5 more lines of the emotional rollercoaster that I know the speaker was going through in those final moments (with increasing words in the line 4th line has 4, 5th 5, etc.) and then ending it on a one word line or something like the finality. It just didn't feel quite finished to me - but this is your story to tell, so maybe that's all there was. Projecting my own situation onto this though, I feel like the ending was really just the beginning and wish I had seen a glimpse more into the speaker's emotions.

Thanks for sharing this very raw, emotional poem. I'm actually very intrigued by the form and think I want to try it out myself. Maybe I'll take my suggestions that I gave you and write what I wanted it to be - haha.

If you have questions or comments, please let me know!
All the best,
Rae
34 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 2 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/coffeespoons