The photo was the first thing that caught my attention--the puppy is cute. What is it looking at?
The story would make a great book for kids--maybe around the ages where they're not quite getting into chapter books but still have the attention span to read something longer. Some of the longer words may not be on their level, which would be my only suggestion if you decided to go in that direction.
This is an interesting short article that made me think. My main suggestion would be to expand it from here--go into the answers (if you can find them) that people provided as to why they choose to work that many hours in a week.
I saw only one typo in the sentence:
There are lots of company provide a high salary and bonus to their empolyee.--I think you meant "...lots of companies that provide..."
My husband and I both work between 60-80 hours a week each, through full-time jobs and two businesses that we co-own. It's obviously harder than working the now traditional 40-hour work week here in America, but we want to retire a lot younger than 65. (We've yet to meet anyone that's been able to do that without having some sort of business or investment on the side.)
The idea of just working a job 66 hours a week for a lot of years doesn't seem like a good to me however--a lot of that extra overtime money just gets taken in taxes (because it usually puts people in a higher tax bracket, so a bigger percentage is taken out).
There's also something that is more motivating when you're doing things for yourself--I'm actually excited when I get off from working 8 hours at my job to go do something that will benefit us. I'm sure other people on the site feel the same way about writing.
I usually don't ramble this much in reviews, but I hope it maybe spurred some ideas on directions you could go with this.
I think you did a great job with this poem. I'm slightly familiar with the haiku poem structure, and it looks like yours fits it very well. I like the topic because it kind of serves as a reminder to appreciate the time with the people you love and care about.
The only suggestion I have is to maybe play with the visual aspects of the item, using the WritingML. I understand if you wouldn't want to do that though. I just think it adds more to the poem.
This is very good. I'm honestly more of a shorty story than poetry reader, but I like poems that have a story woven into them like this one. This almost has a sci-fi/fantasy kind of feel to it also, so you may catch some readers out of those genres, too.
I didn't see anything wrong as far as minor things like grammar or spelling. This is very unique, and I'm glad you're expanding on it. Feel free to e-mail me when you get the novella done.
I think you make a long a great points--if a person has to get the items you discussed by going into debt, they don't need to be getting them. In the long term it's damaging, and they come to hate the item they're making all those payments on.
On the other hand, I've met people who've made a lot of sacrifices early in life--living below their means, getting out of debt, and developing incomes where the cost of some luxury items are a small percentage of what they bring in every year. That's the way my husband and I want to do it.
I think the problem is people around my age (I'm 23) aren't really given a solid financial education in school. If they don't get it at home, their chances of learning it as an adult are a lot less. I had to read a LOT of books in the business/finance section before I personally got a clue. We want to have nice things, but we want to earn them. (I really like the idea of not needed glasses when watching movies on a 1080P television--I do notice a difference with those).
This is a great item! Only suggestion I have is just minor polishing--TV needs to be capitalized in some places and that sort of thing.
This is a great wake-up call message for teens who have "minimums" mentality for their lives. The sad thing is that kind of thinking is sometimes taught to kids, not on purpose but just through different events over the course of their lives.
Kids need people to believe and encourage them--and occasionally give them a "love kick" in the seat of their pants, lol.
I found only one minor typo:
Life skills is a pass fail class.--I'd put a / between pass and fail.
I struggled with this issue a lot as a teenager and into college--my family barely went to church when I was a kid (We're talking around 10 times in my first 18 years of life, outside of weddings and funerals).
So for a long time I exposed only to the view that your athiest friend had presented--it was the main view taught in my college philosophy classes and sometimes even in classes that had nothing to do with the topic, but that's another issue. The whole idea just really bothered me, and I didn't like the fact that any rebuttal would have to be limited to basically the other side's set of conditions.
In reference to the second presumption, our pastor said this: Trying to measure God only with our current state of science is like trying to measure volume with only two measurements. You can stare at those two measurements and say there's no such thing as volume, or you can realize that there's things out there that we just don't know yet. He later went into a lot more conceptual type things that are hard to describe without visuals, but it was really interesting.
This is really good. I think what could help it would be to make it a bit longer--you've got a great overall plot and a lot of play with. Take the reader through the process a little bit more and get them attached to Chancy's character. This is so short the reader just barely gets to know him.
Maybe even have a scenerio where his life gets turned upside down, and he wants to get back to the dream machine to fix everything back to the way it was before but can't. These are just suggestions if you'd like to use them.
I only found one minor typo:
It's going to be another beautiful day in the neighborhood and I'm just happy to be alive.--comma after neighborhood.
You've definitely got me hooked--great job with this chapter. The only major suggestion I have is the last two sentences aren't really needed. The dialogue is really good, and I felt concern for and caring for Sarah as a character.
Great job! I look forward to reading more. Feel free to send me an e-mail when more chapters are finished.
This is a really interesting article, and you make a lot of good points about the now popular system of both the huband and wife in a family working while having children.
My husband and I are putting off having kids for a little while, mainly to pay off as much debt from getting out of college as possible so we can provide our kids with a good life. I plan to stay at home, and if things work out right my husband is not going to have to be a workoholic to support our family. We're working toward doing businesses and self-employment, something that's a lot more flexible and eventually more stable than traditional jobs.
If you've ever heard of him, Dave Ramsey has a lot of good books for people to help their finances. His advice is a big part of why we have a lot of hope instead of stress over our finances.
About the only thing that I didn't like so much was a slight tone of putting-down men/husbands. I think there's a lot of good men out there that want to provide for their families and not have to have their wives work all the time. I think it's often a hard hit to their self-esteem when their wives have to work and their kids have to be in daycare.
It's just most people don't get a good financial education in high school or college, which is why even academically bright people can struggle a lot, too. People go into debt a lot of times to go to college, then they marry someone who has just as much debt--and you can see how that's a rough way to start out if people don't have access to financial knowledge...
I only found two grammar/spelling things you may want to check out:
The middle-class women, what there is left of them these days, find the Day Care Center or family, but it may every cent of their earnings.--you need another word or two after "may", like "take" or "use up"
We don't like to here this, but we must watch every dollar.--typo, hear
LOL--this is funny. I grew up with a dad who worked for a TV manufacturer--guess what they gave out for bonuses every year? By the time I was 12, there was a TV in every room in the house minus the bathroom (and technically we had one that could be moved in there).
The ironic thing is I now probably watch less TV than the average person--after so much, I kind of got tired of it.
I was very impressed by this story. You have a lot of talent in being able to capture moments without using a lot of words.
The point-of-view is almost a perfect blend of the main characters inner thoughts and a narration of what's going on around her. It's very real and sad, but I like that you add some hope at the end.
Fantastic job with this. I look forward to seeing more of your work.
Take care,
Tricia
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What you have so far is good information. The only major thing I see that can improve it is to go into more detail. There's even room to do a whole other article for writers who are trying to get marketing ideas.
Having been in sales and marketing myself for a little while, I tend to forget that some writers don't even know where to start. I think you have a great background to give people advice.
Wow! This is very interesting from a psychology perspective. Not to give away the results, but did you expect there to be such a significant number of one particular personality type on the site? At this point, I'm an outlier (ENF), lol.
The results do make sense in that most writers I've met are introverted (I'm actually borderline on the E/I scale, with my next closest match being INF). It's interesting that the T/F aspect is spread out at this point.
I'll probably come back to this when you have more people. This is a great idea! Any plans on writing up the results?
You make a lot of great points with this. I believe a lot of people have felt the effects of "cookie-cutter" thinking as they grew up.
Like you said, it's not that public school teachers don't care--they're just so piled down with students that they literally can't help all of them in the approach they really need. It made me sad to see several bright and creative friends get "left behind" just because they had a different learning style and were bored a lot.
I'm finding more and more that really successful people in society are the ones that break out of the one-size-fits-all mentality toward other people.
I definitely agree with you that there should not be a double-standard in situations like this. I was a psychology and broadcasting major in college, and I don't think people always take into account that the media is driven by money just like any other industry.
If the general population began to think of themselves as customers in a sort of informational marketplace and became more selective in what they supported, a lot of issues could be handled without interfering with people's freedom of speech as much as the politically correct movement does.
My only suggestion for your item is you could go a lot deeper into the issue if you wanted. What you have so far is good, but it seems short.
Take care,
Tricia
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1227459 by Not Available.
This is a nice item--it may even be a good start to a blog if you're able to do one. My main suggestion would be to seperate it out into smaller paragraphs to make it easier for people to read.
My husband and I have owned small businesses ever since we were seniors in college. They're a lot of work but well worth it. Two books I'd recommend if you haven't read them already are Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki and Gorilla Marketing (think the author's last name is Conrad). Rich Dad,Poor Dad is more about thought process of business owners, and Gorilla Marketing will help you in finding clients without spending a lot of money--something we all need in the beginning.
Good luck to you! You're being a great example for your son, too!
Tricia
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1227459 by Not Available.
There's honestly parts of this that kind of rubbed me the wrong way (just because I'm a small business owner and work hard for my money), but I think your heart is in the right place on what you're trying to do with this charity.
The whole law about not feeding the homeless in public is ridiculous. It's designed by people who think if you ignore a problem, it will go away. I don't think a lot of people realize that a lot of homeless people are single parents with children.
The past two years my husband and I have lived in a city with a significant homeless population, many of which who travel here from colder states north of us. We also have a lot of people after Katrina who decided not to go back to New Orleans.
Our city doesn't have a law like you're talking about, but there's a lot of tension because there's not enough tax dollars to cover the problem that's out of proportion for our population. The Salvation Army and an organization called Knox Area Rescue Ministries carry a lot of the slack locally.
We donate a lot of inventory we can't sell ourselves to KARM because they focus on education in addition to food and shelter. They want to help those who want to get out of their situation and are able, and everyone who can't take care of themselves is provided for as much as possible. Throwing money at a problem is only a temporary fix if people aren't growing and changing for the better.
I just want to correct the stereotype that business owners are these greedy people who horde their money for themselves. In addition to having a higher tax burden in the U.S. (having to pay 50% or more of their incomes in taxes, that's including deductions), most millionaires that I know are very kind and giving people. A lot of them have come from poverty themselves.
We personally want to become rich so we can help other people with the money, but people being comfortable because of their own labor is not evil.
Overall the story is really great and progressing very well. I read it through once, then went back again for the more minor stuff. I really like the realism of the characters and the emotional aspects of what they have to do.
I just have a few suggestions--I don't really like reordering other people's work, but I wanted to show you what I meant. I wouldn't expect you to do it this way exactly unless you really like it.
The section you have as this:
In his youth Aidan had been a powerfully built man, but had gone slightly to seed with age; though the regulars at the tavern in Kildare still recounted his ability to take on opponents two and three deep when tempers flared and the need arose.
I would maybe divide this into at least two or three sentences. Something like:
In his youth, Aidan had been a powerfully built man. The regulars in the tavern in Kildare still recounted his ability to take on opponents two and three deep when tempers flared and the need arose. He had gone slightly to seed with age, however.
There's also a few minor things with commas.
He understood, but could not stop a feeling of defeat from creeping in at this statement.--don't need the comma.
Oh, they'll learn what happened, but not the truth.--don't need the second comma.
Great job! I'm really looking forward to chapter four!
I really liked the poem--it made me cry. At least she had you close when she passed away.
The picture and the audio file are nice touches to the item. I'm going to go back and play the audio file later when I'm on a computer where I can hear it (the one I'm on doesn't have speakers).
This is a must-read for anyone about to get married and is preparing for a wedding. You have great advice--my husband and I did a lot of things with our wedding that you discussed, and we were able to do a wedding that looked like it cost $8,000 for around $2500. It would've been even less if I had rented my dress, which I'm not still trying to sell 2 years later, lol.
I think the coolest part was we had a three-camera broadcast camera set-up operated by friends (helps when you're a broadcasting major. My husband later edited it, and it turned out great.
There's also the element of keeping things simple and stress-free that comes into play. Since we knew the wedding was basically paid-for, we were able to enjoy the event a lot more without a lot of unnecessary stress. I actually feel kind of bad for some friends who've had huge weddings but come back from their honeymoon with a lot of credit-card bills.
My husband is about to go into real estate sales--I wonder how they really handle situations like this?
I really like your descriptions of the house--you do a great job with all the senses, not just sight or sound.
The only thing I think might improve it is trying the same story with different characters' points-of-view. Maybe try a prospective young couple that wants to buy the cottage. The only reason I say this is Mr. Bass and Danny Baseheart don't have as much emotional involvement in the house, other than the commission. It's just a suggestion, and I understand if you're attached to the way it's currently written.
I just one possible grammar thing:
Without warning, the light repeatedly went off then on again in rapid succession startling the two men.--comma after succession.
Excellent job! Take care,
Tricia
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I mainly wanted to tell you to not give up--I promise you there are churches congregations out there with a sense of humor. My husband and I both work at a church that stays solid with its message but shifts with the method to stay current, if that makes sense.
Today for example we had 3 short skits on how NOT to invite people to church, which had titles like "Dialing for Heathens" (picking random names out of the phone book), "The Shouter" (guy with a megaphone), and "Mob Conversion" (a guy being chased around the auditorium by five other people). It was hilarious.
You may have to start with churches that are more geared to teenagers and college students to get better results in the beginning. Also, maybe some of the more helpful pastors could help you in finding out why they're not wanting to use your material. Maybe there's something that hits the wrong way that you didn't realize.
Another alternative may be setting up a simple website with audio samples and information to explain your motives and back-story on why you're pursuing this.
Take care, and good luck to you!
Tricia
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1227459 by Not Available.
I almost wondered if the character was going to relieved that it wasn't a dinosaur chasing him/her, only to find out it was a very friendly grizzly bear, lol!
This is a great read--I like the way you set the atmosphere and recommend it to anyone reading the public review page.
Great job! I didn't see anything wrong as far as grammar or spelling.
Take care,
Tricia
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1227459 by Not Available.
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