Lol, this was pretty funny. I especially like the ending with the mother getting annoyed with what she was about to do herself. You also do an excellent job with the setting.
I love seeing signs along the smaller highways on road trips. One of my favorites was a store sign that appeared to read "Now Hiring Losers." It took me a moment to figure out the "C" in the word "Closers" had blown off!
The only major suggestion I have is the line "Daddy, I need to use the toilet badly" sounds a little too formal for a kid. That was the only thing that really stood out to me a lot.
Great job!
Take care,
Tricia
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I really like your style of writing--everything seems to fit with the time period, and it's easy to get drawn into the story. The characters seem really solid and real. I'm looking forward to newer chapters.
We'll be half a day from the smiths by then...--I was a little confused here--a different family like Smiths or are the Briens a family that does smith work like blacksmiths,etc?
Great job!
Tricia
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This is a nice little poem--can really be helpful to some people who are at a crossroads in life, especially the final line.
I know from your note that you don't want to change it, but have you ever considered expanding it without manipulating what you already have? I think it would be really good.
Have a wonderful day!
Tricia
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It's great that the American Cancer Society provides so much help. I think it's really cool how they were able to network you with someone who could help you through the process of treatment and be there for support. I had no idea they did that.
I saw nothing in this as far as grammar,spelling, etc.
I really like the way you did this story, and I'm happy that God turned things around for you.
I'd never really thought about the positive and negative aspects of self-reliance in the way you presented them. For a long time and starting at a young age, I thought I had to be self-reliant all the time. It took awhile for me to really start trusting God, but I'm glad I made the decision.
The only suggestion I have was I was a little thrown off from the transitions of between the story with the bike (2004?) then you coming home in 1988 and then back to 2004 again. It was just really quick. It might help to stretch things out things out a little.
Have a wonderful day,
Tricia
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I thought this was a very well-written story. It made me cry at the end. Very chilling at certain sections also.
The only thing major I would suggest is maybe disguise the title and description so the reader doesn't know what's really going on until you want them to know. (It's just not the same when you know what's coming.)
I really like it though, and I think you did a great job with it.
Take care,
Tricia
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I think you're off to a very good start with this. The first chapter has me curious, and I want to know what happens next.
The only major suggestion I have is to try to reduce the number of sentences you have that begin with "And" or "But." I don't think it's such as a strict grammar requirement as it was a long time ago, but it will help the flow of the chapter and make it look more professional.
Great job with this! Looking forward to seeing more chapters!
Have a great day!
Tricia
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I thought this was a nice poem with a good message to it. Up until I was around 19, I honestly thought the Bible was more of a history book and couldn't relate to what's going on today.
Needless to say, I was wrong. There's more practical information in Proverbs than in most business textbooks, and that was the tip of the iceburg for me.
As far as the poem, I found one minor typo:
It is food for your souls health.--soul's health
Great job on this! Keep writing!
Tricia
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I like the language you use in your stories--it reminds me in a way of reading a late 19th or early 20th century writer, but you keep everything modern enough that I don't have to hesitate on what I'm reading every few minutes.
This story is great--I don't read a whole lot of horror stories, but it's usually ones like these with the psychological element to them.
Fantastic job and a great read!
Take care,
Tricia
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I really like how you make the point that Jesus cared just as much about people who were on the fringes of society at that time as he cared about everyone that was considered "normal."
He goes out of His way a lot of times to show this, and it's a major lesson to see how He loved people who didn't even think themselves worthy to be loved.
Great job. Take care,
Tricia
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Your story made me cry--my husband and I want to be foster/adoptive parents eventually, in addition to having our own biological kids.
I believe all kids need a home where people love them and care about them--and like with your parent's situation with Elisabeth, it doesn't matter what race or color they are. Children are children.
It breaks my heart the circumstances that some children have had to go through--the fact the system sent you back to your biological mom after what your mother's boyfriend did that first time is just amazing to me.
I sincerely hope that life continues to become better for you. I can't really say "I know how you feel," because I never gone through something like that. But if you ever need a friend though, you're always welcome to e-mail me.
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This is a great Thanksgiving message--as well as every other time of the year, too. I like the way you incorporated the Thanksgiving and Home Improvement jokes.
I also like your suggestion of keeping a gratitude journal--that's a excellent idea that can help life and situations in perspective.
Take care and God bless,
Tricia
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I think this is an interesting start to a journal of personal business experiences--I found your negotiation technique on your house really cool. Most buyers lowball on the beginning, expecting that the seller is going to come down a little. It's great that you were able to hold firm and get the price you want.
The only thing about debt-consolidation companies is people often consolidate their debt--then run up more. The heart of it is a problem with people living above their income.
Great start! Looking forward to seeing more. Tricia
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The first thing I think when I read this is that you're likely a professional story teller--if you're not, you need to be. I love the way you did this story, and I can even hear it in my head with an Irish accent. I bet this is really great live.
I just found one minor grammer thing--not something I'd count off 0.5 of a point for:
If there ever was a giant in it he is long gone.--comma after it.
This is a nice collection. Have you considered redoing it with your current style and experience--maybe marketing it as a town history/tourism book? I see books like that all the time here in Tennessee, and they seem to do well from a financial standpoint.
Great job on this--especially considering you were 17 and used a manual typewriter. Those reports are hard enough with a computer!
You did an excellent job with this--both with personal experiences and related research. My younger brother has was diagnosed with a strange combination of Autism/ADHD when he was around seven, and Asperger Syndrome has been brought up a few times by other people.
My brother is basically in a similar situation as your son was--living at home with no intentions of getting a job or going to college. It's not that he's lazy. He just doesn't seem to fit in anywhere--too bright for some things and lacking too much for others. My parents take him to the library a lot, and I'm trying to talk them into getting him involved with a youth group for social reasons.
I truely hope things have gotten better for you and your son.
I'm going to try to be as respectful with this as possible.
I grew up in public schools, and the fact that they were almost completely secularized around the late 90s did not make things all wonderful like the environment you keep trying to describe.
What I saw and experienced was a group of hurting kids who were being taught over and over again that having any type of hope and faith was wrong. The impact of that as we grew older was so damaging that you really have no idea.
I'm sorry, I have to really disagree with you what you wrote.
Wow--this poem made me want to cry. I don't think I really quite got the third paragraph, though--it's like she was in an inner struggle with death or something, and all the happiness and will to live died out in her before she physically died. (I'm only basing that on what I read in the next part.)
The contrast between the first and fourth paragraphs is the saddest part. You've done a great job with the emotions in this poem, and I think it's good that it's abstract considering what you came up with.
I think your idea is interesting--though if I were in that system, I'd rather be in the "life-oriented" track even though I went to college. The only problem with your idea is you're basically forcing a social class system--without parent involvement and caring, kids could be placed in a track that doesn't truely reflect their ability. Plus what about the "late bloomers" that develop a better academic ability over time? I do like the idea of modules and keeping everything performance-based. I've heard a lot of private schools to that.
I definitely agree though that there needs to be reforms to the current system of doing things. The biggest lack I noticed in college grads my age (I'm 23) is we have all these facts stuck in our heads but no practical/life success education. No one taught me about debt, personal finance, how to start a business, how much attitude is connected to job promotion, and on and on. My generation is going to run into a lot of trouble when we reach our 60s and 70s if we don't educate ourselves.
You and I definitely share the same attitude, and I like your sense of humor. I'm glad to be weird too when I look at what's considered normal these days.
I grew up in brainwashing--oops, I mean the public school system. I realized the other day that I really need to relearn American history, since what I was taught the edited version that has God removed out of all the textbooks. (Now kids are taught the Pilgrims left for vague "political reasons" and crazy things like that.) My husband and I aren't going to take any chances with our kids--definitely home schooling.
I'm happy to say though I started going to church on a regular basis when I was 21, and my life has gotten a lot better ever since.
Take care,
Tricia
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I especially like the ending with the mother getting annoyed with what she was about to do herself. You also do an excellent job with the setting.
