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Review by catzeal
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This review is very much said in my opinion so the writer is completely free to agree or disagree with whatever suggestions or general preferences I might propose or recommend.

I could very much feel the light-hearted jovial tone from the blithe introduction. The character's eager excitement for the much anticipated wedding event was very much evident. But perhaps you can describe the characters involved more in the first paragraph? Who is Daryl and Andree-Anne? Are they your friends? or your family? or even your enemy? Doing that would help you have an even firmer or solid foundation and develop your plot in the long run.

Since this is a comedy genre, exaggerating emotions or feelings would be encouraged. For example, in the line where you describe your hair you can show your feelings more. "Unfortunately, I have inherited my father's sporadic frenzy hair. Most of the time, it ends up looking like a bird's nest and I swear I could see birds." That's a tad bit of too much exaggeration but you know what I mean.

It is also a good idea that you end with a sort of cliffhanger to leave the readers wanting more. (If you plan to continue). Foreshadow what you have in store for them in the next chapter, maybe the ominous weather approaching that is yet to ruin a good day or maybe the coming of a new character that starts a conflict. Thank you for writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by catzeal
Rated: E | (3.5)
Overall, it has a very mysterious arcane feel to it with how the two characters interact with each other. I also find it interesting how it's set in the year 1980 and is told in the third person perspective to show a broader view of the characters' thoughts and display. However, it might have been even better if the story was introduced with more descriptions of the setting and letting the readers guess through the details (just to give more impact). For example, giving a more vivid image of the nursing home in which Robert Smith was in by describing the smell, scene, or items can be some. The dialogues were very smooth and easy to follow, but perhaps a little too left alone on its own. In between conversations, you can add about the person's eyes, what the person is doing, where the person is looking, or even just their manner of speaking. "I really dont know what you are talking about Mary," Robert said feigning ignorance hoping this girl would just drop the subject altogether, but she wasnt having it. Just to add more suspense regarding Mary's unexpected discovery, you can elaborate more of Robert's fear and anxiety of being exposed. (E.g. describe how his heart was beating faster or cold sweat started forming or his complexion was paling). Im looking forward to the next chapter! (if it is to be continued).


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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