This was very well written and your references are excellent. I don't think I've read in the media, or on any blogs, in any newspaper or journal a more concise and clear picture of the contradictions in the nation of Islam.
Just a few things
1. You didn't list September 11th, the most devastating Muslim attack against the western world.
2. Although you touched on it, you didn't fully expound on the social conditions in the Middle East that almost demand that the "Arab Street" participate in and applaud the atrocious crimes against humanity that the certain radical fundamentalist muslims have committed. (I know that term is usually left for men like Hitler, but I am one who uses it to describe a handful of others as well)
Very well written.
Damia
PS. I'm sending you your GP's back. This was well worth reading.
This is a good start. In Part One, the paragraphing needs to be fixed. Also, you might add more details and descriptions as this is the first of what seems to be a much longer piece. You want to set your tone, so that when she is 'set free' of her hard existence, that it seems that way. In Part two you speak of the things she wishes to have no memory of and that leaves vast unanswered questions. In my opinion, the best stories are ones that you can visualize without any trouble and 'see' in your mind what the writer wants you to see, feel what he wants you to feel. Your writing does this, but sketchily. Paint your pictures with words. Describe the emotions, the thoughts, the fear, the pain, so that it gives the story that spark of life to make the reader want to continue.
I would hope that there will be a continuation of this story. It's different. In most vampire legends the secret to making a new vampire is the sacred three bites. You adhere to the old legends with the darkness and the covenant to feed only on the dregs of society, but the one bite mating, is quick and new.
I really like the idea behind this story. Rather than being a short story, however, it feels more like a synopsis of a much longer, more detailed story. I think it would improve the story greatly if you filled it in with some details and more of the ways that she dealt with running the manor for a month, talk more about her feelings when she met the Earl, and perhaps more of her experiences with Brother Gregory and the peasants who wind up helping her actually achieve her goals.
From reading this, I get the impression you wanted it to be like a diary and from reading old diaries I can tell you, that the grammar may be awful, the word choice poor, but they put more of themselves into the narration of their days than this has. It would be wonderful to see more of it.
This is a nice little story. The characterization of Kyle is strong and easily visualized as is Adam to a lesser extent. Angie's character could be fleshed out a little more and it would have been nice, since the story is about the 'quest for love' if you included more of their conversation and thoughts about one another. Overall this is a nice story. Good work.
You covered most of my pet peeves. I have a few to add though. I despise tit-for-tat reviews, meaning the person gives you practically the same review you gave them. I also despise the quid pro quo system that some people adopt. Don't give me a five because you think I'll reciprocate, because for the most part, I will not. Everyone makes mistakes, so I want to know mine, regardless of the color of my suitcase. The other thing that annoys me greatly is when you take the time to help someone with their writing, only to be told that convention doesn't matter, that their writing comes from inside, their soul. In my opinion, they should keep it there then.
Okay, I'm done. <restraining the urge to use chat speak here>
I think you did a pretty good job at representing most of the subcategories of horror. It's really a tie for me between thrillers and serial killers but, since I had to choose just one.....
There is no way a one line can really express why most of us are here. I'm here for a combination of reasons. To begin with, this is the best site on the net for writing of any kind. For a thousand different reasons, it's better to explore the art of writing here, more than any of place including university. You are far more likely to get a more honest response here than from a professor.
Anyway, I think this question would be better suited as a survey so that you could actually get a feeling for the real reasons people are here, stay, and love it.
You charmed me and were sweet to me. You were such a gentleman. I loved that about you.
- consider joining this up. You were charming and sweet, such a gentleman and I loved that about you.
Overall, the piece is very emotional and that comes through well. You're tone is strong, but the whole piece is choppy. Sentence structure is the point that I find throughout the piece could be improved. A more flowing, conjoined style would support the testament style of this. Above, I gave an example of what might help smooth it out.
All writing is art. Not all art is good, no matter what medium you're talking about. I do however, question your premise that only the 'highly educated' should have an opinion about art. Whether you never graduated from highschool or have a doctorate, it doesn't mean that you don't have the aesthetics to make a decision. People from all backgrounds admire the Mona Lisa, but even some of the most highly educated do not like Picasso. I think that denigrating a person's opinion because of their education is really short sighted.
I wake up today as excited as a child,
Who knows what this new day will bring?
Will I meet someone who is not yet profiled
In my memory, but by the evening makes my heart sing?
This pair of couplets are the only ones that do not adhere to your rhyme scheme
This is a very optomistic poem. It has a really uplifting tone and message. It's a nice piece.
This is an interesting piece. I was particularly impressed with the word 'iconoclast'. It's a wonderful word, rarely used. If I interpret this poem correctly, you are saying that each of us fights for our humanistic survival and that we each want to leave this earth with the knowledge that we have done well and achieved something. The money, fame, or the accumulation of things aren't important, but what you hold in your heart is. Anyway, that is what I thought it meant. I liked it. I expected it to be a 'war' poem and I was very pleasantly surprised to find a very thoughtful and thought evoking piece.
This is a nice poem, although it doesn't meet the requirements of the contest you entered it in. The poem must contain the words, Cabin,Droplets and Drain. However, be that as it may, this is a nice poem.
Very nice. I usually like more structured poetry than this, but I'm impressed. There is flow and a purity of theme that is supported by the mood and the language in the poem. Good luck with the contest.
Two thugs were nervous - You should put the word The at the beginning of that sentence.
Laughing, the ttwo thugs - typo on two
fell over and smashed into a pot plant. ? Do you mean a potted plant? I don't know any mall that has the other, totally illegal kind.
hooked the nt to the end of the fishing line - typo on nt, should be net?
now uncoincious - thats not spelled correctly.
put on hias best charming smile as he started talking to her.- his
This is a good opening. I would suggest that you don't tell your story so mechanically. Add more emotion to the characters. Are they enjoying chasing the bad guys? Are they exerting themselves? Are they exhilarated? What crime did the gang commit? I assume they were shoplifting, but where and what? Are Tommy and Matt tall or short? Red hair and freckles or perhaps dark and football star cute? The beginning of the story has to capture the reader's interest immediately so they will be compelled to read more. The beauty of a good story is in the details. How do the boys like the feel of the air conditioned mall air rushing past their faces? Are their eyes sparkling with the exhilaration of the chase?
The word 'thug' gets redundant quickly. There are a lot of really colorful and g-rated synonyms out there like bad guys, ruffians, hooligans, miscreants, etc. If you don't have a thesaurus they are synonym finders available for use on the net, but if you're serious about writing you should have one. It's a great tool for making your work more entertaining and more of a pleasure to read.
I think this could be turned into a very fun adventure story.
lead and wife is the only couplet that doesn't rhyme. It's a nice poem. Straightforward. You might want to work on that couplet to see if you can make it a pure rhyme like the others.
This is expressive. I think though you could structure it a bit more than you have done, or loosen up the structured parts so its all consistent with itself.
This is cute and it expresses an emotion I think most people experience in their lives at one time or other very well.
The rhyme scheme shifts. It starts out AABB... you use many non-perfect yet close rhymes that sort of jangle, but then you abandon the rhyme scheme completely.
There are times when the syllable count is off but it still flows, and there are places where it stutters. You never actually lose the flow, but it sticks.
It's quite good overall and you might want to just work it a bit and polish it. It could be great.
This is really very good. I don't know why you have it rated XGC however. You could easily have it rated at a lower level so that more people have access to it.
It's a well written poem. The rhythmn is off in a few pplaces, and it stutters, but other than that, its a really good poem.
This is a good start. Its sort of rough in spots, where the flow is not quite there. The pain you describe comes across, maybe not as strongly as you intended, I don't know, but somehow it also has a tinge of self pity so it smacks of reality.
From the first of the poem, it is established that you are speaking in the first person, so you might consider eliminating some of the "I's" throughout the poem.
Waterfall is one word, btw.
Overall its good.
I am going to feature it in this edition of the poetry newsletter.
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