Great beginning. it slowed down for me with the first long paragraph. The idea you've created here is exciting and I like the fast paced entrance with Kyle and his mother. Some of the descriptive sentences could use a little brevity. For example "They were closer than just friends, almost brothers it seemed." could become "They were as close as brothers." It says the same thing but is much more poignant. Reads often sense this without knowing what exactly makes it good. They can read less and get the same amount of info. I didn't know this for a long time and still have trouble doing it on first draft, but it's a great editing tool. So, I'm not knocking that sentence, I just used it as an example for my point. I have trouble editing my own work because I'm too close to it. I have to give it to someone else, or not look at it for a while and then come back to it. I think you have a great story here. Hope this helps.
I read today that a prologue is meant for providing history and background and that is should be avoided if possible because the characters can give the history and background throughout the story in dialog, memory, etc. I disagreed, but on one hand it is true. I tend get into a book faster if there is some kind a dialog or fast paced action right at the start. A forward can do this very well, or just have it in the first chapter. I haven't read that far yet but will soon.
The only other thing I thought about right away was the length of the first paragraph. If this were in a novel size book it would take up the whole page. Most readers like short paragraphs because it gives them a sense of moving forward. Some will even skip entire paragraphs if it's too long and looks to filled with nothing but description.
What I have learned to do is read aloud, hear the flow, and create new paragraphs for every to every other new thought.
That said, It's just my opinion, and i'm no expert. Think of what you like when reading one of your favorite books. Study it's flow.
This is just technical stuff, I'll read more chapters before I review the story itself. Hope this was helpful.
There is such passion in the words you wrote here. I loved the flow. It made me think about what I'd write when someday my mother or father will pass on. I imagine it being very like this is feeling, flow, and something that evokes touching imagery. "she wasn't just alive, she lived" These are my favorite line in the whole piece. Thanks for the read.
So cute, loved this a lot. It makes me think of my grand parents and parents. Thought the situations were different they got married young and are still together. You did great with the dialog and I could picture it perfectly! Thanks for that great read.
beautifully formed imagery, it made me look for my blanket while reading and think of times at a family beach property for it's cold windy days spent looking out windows.
Very interesting. Not sure I grasp it fully yet, I'll have to read it a few more times. Loved the first line "The gavel dropped and gave life to the machine;" it's a very definite, eye opening, reverberating statement. It caught my attention anyway.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.25 seconds at 11:13am on May 06, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
