This is a very beautiful poem, your imagary here is very vivid and I can just picture your magical world of fairies - I'm a great fan of all things magical too! The poem flows well for the most part and the rhymes are perfect. It has a very calming feel about it, like a lullabye - but although it is written for children I think adults can appreciate this too!
I really enjoyed reading your poem, it's a very sad story, although it seems that it should reflect bitterness, to me it is as if the writer has accepted this situation and is calmly "moving on" although there is the indication of much bitterness and sorrow in the past. Although this isn't a rhyming poem, I think this reads well and is intriguing too, a little bit different in content and style. I especially like the part about the suit and raybans - this gives it a real, modern day quality. I also love your last verse, it seals the poem with an ending that is almost positive despite everything.....
This is a fairly eclectic collection of poetry in terms of its style, from complete freeverse to rhyming verses. I think your poetry in this folder gives a good insight in to your darker emotions in an original way. I particularly liked "Confused Tears/Behind those eyes" and also "Mad World" (Yes, I love the song too - and Donnie Darko) although with the latter, I felt it stopped too abruptly, as though you had more to say but no time to say it or something?! Your descriptions are also appropriate and give the reader a general idea of what your poems are about - if they can't guess! :)
You have a very good descriptive style in this piece which is quite captivating to read. Just as your story contains magic, your words also have an air of magic about them. I particularly like the section about the music box and the references to the preservation magic. I also enjoyed the fact that this manages to conceal a hidden story which sets the readers imagination to work yet is not too complicated to be understood without further information. The beginning captures the reader's attention and your ending is concise and appropriately has that haunting quality to it.
I noticed few spelling and grammatical errors, but these are a few things I noticed which did not sound quite right...
1)"There was an unnatural light from a window on the wall opposite the door"
Although your description of this light is very articulate, I don't quite understand why the light is "unnatural" if it's coming from a window - surely this suggests it is from a natural light source?
2)"in several, several years"
I don't think the word several should be used twice here, once gets your point across and sounds better
3)"It looked like a scene from one of those Earth movies"
This indicates that the story is not set on earth but I would like to know where the story is set! (This isn't really a bad point, it's just a personal desire - perhaps you don't wish to divulge it....)
In general I think this is well written and I love your magical descriptive style!
Although this is a sad poem about a subject seen as depressing, I think you somehow give it a magical quality with the idea of the angels in another realm of life.
You use some very good imagary here, for instance the life slipping away "like water" I think this is a very effective similie. Also the tears rolling past a smile, as though the pain is somehow mixed with a grateful knowledge that someone's suffering has ended.
I am slightly confused by the last two verses and am presuming that this is metaphorical, or maybe a dream, or a vision?
All in all I think this reads well as a poem and conveys plently of meaning without being over-complicated in itself.
"The rain pours down outside my window but also inside me"
That's a great line and immediately gives the reader an idea of the tone of this poem and what the writer is feeling. There is something about rain which is both powerful and depressing and the storm seems to be used to express both of these emotions in your poem.
I have to say that I really like the first two verses but was disappointed by the time I got to the third as it suddenly takes on a more bland and emotionless tone and suddenly seems sweet and happy for no reason and without explanation. I appreciate that you are trying to equate the fresh rain and passing of the storm with happiness but really I don't feel this displays your skill as a writer as much as the beginning of the poem.
There is one line which seems to have an error apparant:
"The scent of summer storm entices happiness" I have the feeling this should either read
"The scent of THE summer storm entices happiness"
or
"The scent of summer storms entice happiness"
In general the poem flows well but this is simply my general feeling of its content and the way it conveys emotion.
I can tell there is a lot of emotion sewn in to the words of this poem and I feel it is a well composed version of the description of self harm. There is something different about it too,because it's obviously written to somebody else, and whilst the actions of this person are clear, the reasons can only be assumed.
The poem seems to open with a tone of bitterness and maybe fear rather than a selfles concern. I like your use of brackets at the beginning, especially:
"your scars (like bars)"
Then later it seems to have an angry tone about it. Because of this I am not totally convinced by the suitability of your final line, somehow it doesn't seem relevent and seems too bland an ending. I think it would sound better ending the poem simply with "and hope for the best" which indicates concern and care in itself whilst still sounding somewhat unsure and fearful of what may come.
That's just my personal opinion, although in general I think this flows well and your imagary is intricate and intriguing.
I like the tone of irony in this - but especially the true irony in that you haven't actually used long complicated words in this - well, of course, how else could you address the masses? I totally agree with your point and think this is a well written piece of self defence keeping a light hearted approach to something you feel strongly about. In addition to its entertainment factor, your poem flows well and I didn't notice any errors....keep taking those chanches, I say.
I enjoyed reading your poem and was certainly suprised to discover it's outcome, as reading through it I had presumed that this was a poem about a couple - I had to re-read it once I realised it was dedicated to the season itself - very clever I really like the soft tone of this poem and the imagary is great. You have only one mistake that I noticed, in this line:
"OnOctober sunsets of red clounds and a moon." with a small typo in the word "clouds"
Reagrding content this is a well written short story with a defined beginning, middle and end. It still has a plot even though it is very short which is great and your characters appear realistic and have some depth and are figures which many people may be able to relate to - in particular your main charcter Katie. I like the little touches of characterisation you have added such as Katie not fancying the popular boy and Rory's borrowing paper during class then giving it back at the end.
The main problem with the flow of your story here is that there is a lot of switching tenses, which is confusing and comes across as incorrect English in places. In this story I feel it would be better for you to stick to the past tense.
There is a mistake here I noticed:
"He would compliment her on how well she played her instruments in band"
I imagine this should read "In the band" or "In band practice" or something.
This poem is fantastic - it is so dark, and haunting and it speaks of something which shouldn't be spoken, a taboo subject which people don't really want to be reminded of unless it's in the context of a horror story that's too far from reality. Yet this talks of a death which is so real and so gloomy, not to mention reflecting the pain of the writer.
Your imagary is really in keeping with the emotion here - the rain, the winter, blood and tears - things which are chilling and maybe even depressing.
I also think this flows very well, with the lines running easily from one in to the next.
I would definately recommend this - though not necessarily for the weak spirited....
Your first and last verses here read fairly well, the rhymes work and they make sense - I do think that the handy/candy one seems a bit purposely found but I am taking this as a rather more light hearted and humerous poem about halloween, perhaps aimed at a young audience,in which case such rhyming is entirely appropriate. I think the repetition of "Witches, goblins and goons" is also effective here
It might be better if you kept the same rhythm in the rest of the poem as I don't see your middle two verses entirely making sense or fitting in. I can't work out who Michael Bare is supposed to be and I am assuming it is simply a name which you have plucked from the air, yet this is a little confusing. Also, I don't really see what "I had a cow/Take a bow" means or what it has to do with Trick or treating, it seems to me that this part of the poem was written simply to fill in some space with something that rhymes.
Naturally I may be wrong and may not be reading it with the kind of mind it was intended for but these are my personal feelings about the poem.
One other point - in your last line I am not sure why there is a comma after the word "home".
I do think that your short story has an interesting twist to it, I must admit that I did think that the story was going to end the way it did but I was interested to read on as I couldn't quite work out how you were going to do it. It is also a nice length for flash fiction and you have obviously thought about your characters and plot.
However, I did find the story hard to follow for the majority of its duration. It was often difficult to work out who was speaking when and I can't understand why the dead person appeared to be having conversations at his own funeral. I am presuming that people were talking to his "Ghost" but this is not really made clear.
There are a few obvious punctuation and spelling mistakes which, whilst I don't think this matters tremendously you might want to check over.
All in all, I think this is a good idea and I like the ending, but I found myself trying to hard to follow what you were saying for any emotion for your characters to come through your words.
"Satin lace and silent kisses.
The fragrant breath of love"
is rich in its imagary and descriptive in its account of this love. "White wispy dreams"es it that ethereal quality which some may argue that love possesses.
However, whilst thwe poem reads effectively and is not marred by errors, I don't personally feel much in the way of enmotion reading past the first verse - your imagary does not evoke any memory or feeling in my own mind. Naturally, this is a poem personal to you, so you are probably not intending for it to touch the hearts of others! Therefore I am not saying that this is a bad point, but past your first verse it does not strike me in any particular way.
I think this is both a beautiful and an original poem - A note though, I wouldn't put in "Sorry for the lack of punctuation". Either correct the punctuation or leave it as it is. There is much debate over how to correctly punctuate in a poem in any case - I have seen published poems with very little in the way of grammatical correctness and I am no expert on the subject yet I feel that by apologising before you have begun, it is as if you are demeaning what you have written.
AND - what you have written, I believe, is very good. The poem flows very well and it has an air of sadness amidst beauty. I feel it also posesses a magical quality, as the idea that a flower would wither in one's hands when plucked is not quite a realistic one.
I also think that perhaps the whole thing is a metaphor for something entirely different although this may just be a personal conclusion.
I only have one other thing to point out and that is this line:
"There stood a flower like the one I had seen" The word "stood" already repeats your earlier description and I can't help thinking that another choice of word would be more fitting here, for example "grew"
I think your opening verse is very good, it reads well, the rhymes are satisfying and the reader understands where you are going with the poem straight away - and also that it is a topic one can immediately relate to. I also think it is effective the way you have closed on this same verse as well, as if you are bringing the point home, reiterating it to the reader.
However, the main body of your poem does not capture attention as impresively.
"Stuck in a rut,
He shuts himself in
And waits up all night
For a new day to begin"
I think this verse sounds alright but the last line seems to be too long and would perhaps sound better as "For the day to begin" Having one syllable less makes it flow better.
"She made herself heal,
That’s what she said,
But he sits there thinking
He’d be better off dead."
This verse seems a little petulant, In poetry it is probably better to refrain from using lines so obviously referring to suicide (Not that the idea shouldn't be used, I use it myself - it's just a bit of a cliche to be so literal about it)
"Day by day,
Time goes by.
One will wonder
If the other really tried."
I see where you are going with this verse but it does sound a little flat. "One will wonder
If the other really tried." is fitting and a good insight to a relationship breakdown. However the first two lines of this verse seem a bit empty, and also a little short.
"Time, he says
Is the only thing
That will make him forget
She’ll never wear his ring."
The rhymes work here and I see that you are going down the "Time heals" route.
" So now they sit,
Miles apart,
One’s moving on,
The other has a broken heart."
The ideas behind this verse work but the last line seems far to long for the verse to flow well.
I noticed you have said that you wrote this in a hurry - it seems like you have the basis for a good poem and the emotional insight but it does seem like this particular poem has been written slightly hurriedly
I like your description here, reading it you can almost believe you are out in the wild, hearing the birds and smelling the grass and earth.
The line
"Birds Singing a familiar,
but unnamed tune."
captures that feeling of listening to the birds singing which sounds familiar even though it is no particular tune you have heard before.
I would say there is no problem with what you have written here, more to do with what you haven't - for your poem seems to be cut off bluntly at the end, as though there is more to it unwritten....
Personally I really like this as a song. Everything you say here makes sense and has a meaning. Your rhymes are well thought out and you can hear a rhythm by reading it. Your chorus is catchy and fits in with the song and also flows well.
The only problem with a song about this sort of topic - self harm/depression/inner pain and turmoil etc is that it has all been done before and if you are not getting high ratings for it then it's probably because many people find this kind of writing immature and boring. This in part (I believe) is also because many people have not experienced this kind of thing and they think it's just moaning.
Nevertheless, I like to read this sort of thing and I think you have it spot on The only thing you could do perhaps is look at your emotions from a more complex angle - and write something using some more metaphorical images than the obvious ones like slitting wrists and pushing people away. Although I'm probably guilty of writing like that myself at times.
Your story has a good plot but it seems like it has been condensed quite a lot. This is a very, very short story although it has the storyline of something which seems to be a lot more complex and it feels a little like it is over before it has begun!
You have obviously thought of your character descriptions and backgrounds and have set your scene.
Your opening line:
"As i sit in the kitchen scotch in one hand cigar in the other, i wonder how i could have got into this situation"
is engaging as it means the reader wants to know what this "situation" is. In fact your opening paragraph is good but after this you seem to tire of your story quickly.
There are quite a few gramatical mistakes in here where you have long sentences which sound as though they should be broken up a little with commas. For example in this one:
"It wasn't worth it, to take life i mean well not for a couple of thousand"
Your last line is also effective, a good ending. You have the backbone of a good story here. If I were you I would just concentrate on making it a bit longer.
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I totally agree with your point and think this is a well written piece of self defence keeping a light hearted approach to something you feel strongly about. In addition to its entertainment factor, your poem flows well and I didn't notice any errors....keep taking those chanches, I say.