This story has the potential to explore the emotional impact of what ahs happened in much greater detail. At the moment this feels like an outline.
"Time to process the information" seems a bit to contemporary. The rest of the story seems set back in time.
I have rated at 2.0 because I see the potential but you have still some way to go to make a final piece. Please keep working on this, I look forward to it's development.
I see what you are trying to do with this piece, and there is great scope for atmosphere and period detail. I'm in the UK so fascinated with Americana and cars of that era. More details, shining chrome ancient brakes and handling etc. (I can hear Don Henley's "Boys of Summer" in my head as I type. :)
Why have you written it in present tense? I think past tense would make it stronger and smoother to read. I have a few specific points you might wish to consider.
"For some reason an image of a family reunion long ago flashes in my mind. My car stops." I like this but I think you can make the crash a bit more dramatic. You have cleverly dodged the life flashing before eyes cliche.
"My walking to the curb and standing in front of him doesn’t even get his attention." (Gerund police) maybe I walked... and stood...
"The short little man" unneccesary adjective.
"wavy white hair" Check adjective order.
"just a bit too long." (re. his hair) Narrator opinion.
"His face isn’t overly wrinkled but still shows his age. Time has been kind to him." How does the narrator know how old he is?
Repititions of deep, drawn/draw in para. 5.
"His face disappears in the resulting plume." I really like this sentence but would it really do that on a sunny summer's day? Maybe something that would happen in dim street lighting.
"Briefly, I close my eyes." Why?
"for he has created the perfectly packed pipe." This is great, it tells me more about the old man than your physical description. (Think what Hemmingway would do. Iceberg Theory.)
"strong sensation of peace, joy and love overcame me." I'm confused, has the narrator just died? What is the significance of the old man?
I have given it a 2.5 rating because I think there is great potential in the story and would really like to read future drafts.
I hope you find these comments useful. Keep writing.
Not sure where you are going with this piece or what you want it to achieve.
Is the narrator a patient, employee or just a visitor to the hospital.
Gloria's twin sister needs to be named, this monicker gets tedius after the first time. What is her relationship to Luis, and to the narrator. Where is Gloria?
the sentiments behind this piece are lovely. It's a pretty sketch of cause and effect. It is succinct, possibly too short.
I want to know the story behind each of these interactions therefore your piece feels like the preface to a collection of short stories.
I want to know the unhappiness the players were in before they recieved the act of kindness. I want to know their changing state of mind as they transmit the positivity.
Technically, you could use jumping between heads as an asset.
Theres just a couple of typos.
The start of a great project i hope,
Best wishes
David
It's a very ambitious project to address the nature of freedom and I salute you for it!
Stylistically you have a very sharp, tightly written poem interrupted by a Shakespearian monologue. The thought provoking encounter with the shepherdess needs to be much briefer.
Does she live as a vagrant underneath a road?
"Never have I asked
or looked around.
Never have I asked,
nor looked, nor found.
Never have I asked"
This set of repitition is very strong and then followed by
"from the dry and static
inorganic ground."
... which I think is an absolutely terrific phrase. It suggests to me urban, concrete wasteland. It is very different from "a-wandering through the gravel plains" in the first stanza.
Hope my comments are useful to you. You have talent and ambition, so go for it!
This is a good start to something. Good sense of unease and claustrophobia.
Second line, maybe should read "asking her husband if he was awake." Or maybe direct speech. Your use of dialogue in this piece is great. Have you read any Elmore Leonard? He's the master of driving a story forward using dialogue.
However is this story about you, Loretta, or how you can find someone using the internet?
This piece is a bit out of focus, but the underlying message is very interesting.
The first eight paragraphs feels like the author writing their way into the story. Just highlight and hit delete... click point click.
The story gets interesting at "During the fifties, my uncle Andy..." and down to the assistant running on stage to cover her up. Within this passage is a great evocation of a 1950's Las Vegas beauty pageant, seen through the eyes of a small (and quite mischievous) boy.
Common knowledge to us... should that be "to them".
Andy knew his wait staff was... were.
Chronic gamblers... value judgement on the author's part, we want to see this through the eyes of a nine year old.
The bit about changing the letter on the poster is just brilliant, you are definitely showing instead of telling.
There's a paragraph that has two different Loretta's in it... slight confusion on first reading.
The paragraph when Loretta is introduced has excellent description of how clothes and haircut. She jumps off the page.You show that she is different from the other girls, she has that special something.
Do well wishers cat call?
"Only nine years old... innocent to all things burlesque. " Isn't that the point of this piece, that you are describing the burly burlesque world from the perspective of an innocent. I want more description from this perspective .
"The whole scene made me feel like I was inside a camera when the flashbulb goes (went) off" This is just a great sentence, it captures the moment (from the nine year olds perspective) perfectly.
This 2000 words can stand alone as a story; an atmospheric self contained piece about a specific time and place in history.
There's a long passage about internet searching that is just redundant, then we meet Loretta again.
I see the point your making, and it's an important one. Contrast the modern day... a fall from some sort of grace, health problems resulting from the earlier incident, the sad emptiness compared to the youthful exuberance. A tight little 500 word post script as a counterpoint... or perhaps an aftershock... the fallout.
You have created something really valuable here, and I hope my comments are useful to help you give it that little bit of a polish.
I look forward to the next draft. Keep up the good work.
You have given yourself a tough challenge, describing a situation like this in rhyming couplets.
Some of your rhymes are a bit cliched. A bit too much of the moon / june.
Your structure breaks down in the last verse.
I'm a bit confused about the bells. If i heard alarm, bells in an airport, i would be very worried.
Have you thought about writing this as prose. You would have the freedom to let your character describe herfriend is a child compared to now. She would have more room to reflect and take stock of her life.
With prose you could give them a dialogue which could reveal a lot to the reader about their personalities and motivations.
Just a thought, from me sitting on a bus!
Good luck with your writing project, please keep exploring this theme.
David
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