It strikes me that a great gift has lain dormant too long...if this is what you were writing at age 14, then now you have a lifetime of internalised reality to expose in your poetry.
This poetry made me fight back tears...it is powerful in the scene it describes and I could see the young man in his last moments...I could feel his sense of knowing that it was his end...I felt too the aloneness that comes from his seeing the longed for friend could not come to him in his need.
You wrote this when you were 14...what if you were to spend time imagining the same scene now? Don't change the poem, but add those words and insights that come from an adult mind that has experienced pain and endings...and from seeing our young men arrive home in coffins from Afghanistan and Iraq.
There is a free Open University course online that explores the technical bits of poetry. There are no assignments to write. If you would like to do it I will send you the link. There are about 10 lessons.
There is one other...it is aiming high and you need to take some instruction before submission...but it is worth it. Rejection by a publisher is not a bad thing...it has happened to every famous writer.
I move tomorrow evening...glad and nervous at the same time.
I am drawn into the mystical world of the ancients with this poem.
The language adequately expresses your thoughts and creates a mystical time machine for the reader. You have clearly felt and internalized a world that is beyond your immediate senses. Many people will read this poem and be haunted by another time....you have created for the modern mind...a world that would otherwise never be apparent to them.
These lines give a melancholy humanity to the ancient site:
"And for one, did ghostly dreams grow cold,
Did Helgi have her pleasure?"
A few punctuation changes are essential and one 'and' taken out.
This is such a charming rhyming scheme that seems to match to quaint elegance of Betty's.Your observations and reflections are as refreshing as Betty's teas.
Do we have a rival Pam Eyres in the making?
Watch out for spelling and grammar... eg, escourted is 'escorted'
Well done again.
David McLoughlin (Lynz) which is was my pen name when I joined here years ago.
I was amazed at my interpretation of your last poem I commented on...then that is what poetry allows for...we read what we see ourselves. Your explanation is erudite and I am certain you have a good grasp of what you wish to say in your poetry. Concentrate then on keeping form as tight as possible...and as a tip, if you do not already use one...use a Thesaurus!
This story has been told ten thousand times over by women on POF. You capture the sleaziness of men on free dating sites...men who spoil the whole thing for the decent guys who desire honest relationships. I should have thought that Wayne should have been given the big heave-ho...he's had that conversation scores of times. This story is a shot across the boughs. Stick with the Pilates!
This has the makings of 'Greatness' with only a few small changes to smooth out the rhythm and strengthen some of the metaphors. When it is done, it is worth a 5+
The poem has the loftiness and the rhythm of John Gillespie Magee's "Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth..." Tweaked (and that is the poets labour and duty) this is probably a competition winner.
I would be honoured to have this on my blog once re -drafted.
Chrissie. Your poem flows along and captures elements of feeling and experience in a consistent way. There is a natural progression in the process of experience and your reflection upon it. You seem to choose words carefully and not simply for their rhyming convenience.
Welcome to the world of writing poetry. Your work is now being seen around the world!
David
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