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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/desertphile
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12 Public Reviews Given
12 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by David
Rated: E | (1.5)
This is unreadable. You might wish to examine one of your favorite books and see how it was written, instead of reading it.
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2
Review by David
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Exposition is to be avoided. Passive voice is to be avoided.
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3
Review by David
Rated: E | (2.0)
You might wish to understand what "exposition" is and learn to avoid it.
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4
Review of Djinn Tonic  
Review by David
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I ceased reading after the first five sentences. The writing is telling the reader what is happening instead of showing the reader. It is also in passive voice. Writers should understand these two issues.
5
5
Review of Dear Me  
Review by David
Rated: E | (4.5)
Heh! This is excellent; also, I can "relate" about procrastination. Some times one must beat up the writer inside, and threaten more violence in the future if demands are not met promptly. One motivation for me to get memoir #1 done was my friend's age: I wanted to have him read it before he died. Perhaps if you revisit in your mind the reason why you need to write will help. Perhaps write down the reasons. I did this before starting work on my current project, and I think it helped.
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6
Review by David
Rated: E | (1.0)
No hook; exposition instead of showing; looks like a first draft.
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7
Review of Half-Die  
Review by David
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
Incomprehensible; Sloppy development; sub-standard writing basics; too much going on; gives nothing to the reader that will encourage the reader to keep reading.
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Review of The Empty Chair  
Review by David
Rated: E | (2.0)
New and/or non-established writers will wish to avoid first person POV present tense.

Also, you will wish to avoid using the same verb ("see") more than once in a sentence.
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