A really sweet message to loved ones. I felt a warmth in my heart after reading this and envy this kind of relationship. There's many good lines that display the positive relationship "We are but two threads woven together, added to the life tapestry we share.", "We are two chapters in a well-thumbed book;two rhymed words in a poem by Robert Frost." to name a couple of my favorites. Artistic and full of life this poem is a treasure to the one who receives it
I admit I am a bit lost reading this. I see that a song brings back memories of Mount Avron. Besides that I am confused by the literary direction that was taken. The line "Now fiction; nearly forgotten" that gets repeated leaves me to believe that this memory may be part of imagination or it is a meta reference to the poem itself. The memory of the birds showed that this was a paradise contrasting birds' song to the screams of vultures. The picture painted of Mount Avron wasn't very compelling to me. The lines, "Here I am above the cloud", "Green trees and grass below" is really the only imagery we are given.
The poem is nostalgia for Mount Avron but we aren't given a reason to care for it. Was it part of the writer's childhood? Was it exceptionally beautiful? What's so great about Mount Avron as opposed to any other mountain? I really wanted to see more of this idea fleshed out as I think there's a good idea bubbling up here that needs more room to breath
Sleep is typically depicted as a nice dream land that can be like paradise so I like this more sinister look at Morpheus. There was some really nice wordplay I enjoyed "Shadowy figures whisper warnings" and "Grimly like a loathsome reaper" to name a couple. The theme and poetry is unique and interesting the only critique I have is repetition. There are a couple lines that add no new information
"Until they think they're all awake", "Soon the sleeping think they're waking"
The lines "Into the arms of Morpheus
Slips a helpless sleeping one," make the next lines redundant
"Morpheus clutches his new prey
With his long, malignant arms,"
There are a couple "filler" words that are unnecessary to the narrative
"And all hope of fleeing is long gone"
"Their lives it seems are his to take."
One question I was left with was what is so bad about Dream land? It is told to us that it is a bad place, people don't realize they're trapped, and Morpheus is a bad guy but it is only hinted at that Morpheus kills people around him "Death lurks in his every step". Not sure if it was intentionally left vague and perhaps it's better left unsaid. Overall it's an interesting premise that I enjoyed, I think with a little editing and trimming it would be more packed with value.
First of all, I really enjoyed your story. This story is written in what I would call an unorthodox pattern of time jumps and different viewpoints but you pulled it off in a logical, easily understood way that impresses me. My favorite part is the passionate, romantic scenes and descriptions. They are written in a way that takes the reader on this rollercoaster with the characters. There are a couple of problems I came across reading however that keeps this from becoming a 5-star review.
The character of Carl is obviously supposed to be a bad guy and there's nothing wrong with that but it feels like he's just there to fill in the role of the bad guy, it doesn't feel natural. I saw some hints into the more subtle character details but I really wish you went more in-depth with him. The story implies he wasn't always a jerk so what happened? We're not really given a reason nor hinted at anything so it seems like he changes for no reason.
Carl's relationship with Josh is written in a way where they are "friends" and were friends. Through their interactions with each other, it seems like they've just met for the first time. Josh comes across as a reserved guy but also a good guy that cares about Sam. Since he doesn't ever try talking to Carl, his "friend" about his concerns he comes across as cowardly to me. I find that to be a very interesting flaw if intentional that should be expanded upon.
At what I'd call section five, at Josh's point of view, there are a couple of issues. We are thrown into the narrative with Sam. Although in the story they've meet up many times before it's the first time as an audience we are seeing this meetup between them so some introduction as to where they are at and maybe the terms that they're meeting on would be nice.
The line “Dance with Sam,” Carl said to me, and then turned to Samantha, “Go ahead Sam, give him a thrill.” stands out to me the most. We know Carl is jealous of Josh, Carl knows they have a thing for each other, and he sees Sam as an object so it's out of character for him to invite the two to dance with each other.
In conclusion, great job. Dialogue between Josh and Sam felt natural and the narration was smooth. I would love to read a prequel to this. The crying, kind of sad kiss at the end was a bold choice that paid off well and wins my admiration for this story.
Another great poem by this user. The ending was particularly strong and leaves a sort of ominous feel. Creative use of the bold, underline and different sizes to add to the atmosphere the poet creates. It took me a couple of reads to understand the meaning of this poem. Below is my interpretation for anyone interested.
To glean what this was about I had to tackle it non-linearly. I took the line "Hey, don't scroll through the app" which I don't see any way it could be literal. If we're talking about a phone then the next line below it "Your secrets online may hack" also seems to further this idea.
Firstly, I know at least part of the poem is advice to someone on their phone probably a bit too much. The first line "Retract, move back" is the speaker telling someone to get off of the app. "In between the lines, there should be no gap" is a reference to someone's image online compared to real life.
"Your secrets online may hack" is a misleading line to me. At first read, I would think that it's about someone getting hacked it'll be bad. But the rest of the poem doesn't line up with a warning against potentially being hacked. The line means that a false image that someone creates online will be proven wrong and it'll be bad "Your life may turn black".
The next line "No offense, it's just a fact" implies that the target may be in denial about the situation and upset. The line also creates a personal connection between the speaker and the target at the poem. Earlier in the poem, the speaker already established that connection "I know there's nothing you lack". That line also lets the readers know that the target of the poem is trying to further persuade everyone he/she is an idyllic person (which of course isn't the case).
The last line "All this is abstract" is the most interesting to me. That line tells the target that everything their doing online isn't real. It's a distortion of reality. The false images, more ideal images people paint of themselves is as real as any Picasso painting.
I think I understand what meaning you were trying to convey. From the lines
"Unclear in the head" and "What should I opt and adopt" I can tell that the speaker is unsure about what to do about some obstacles ahead ("with blunders ahead"). It then seems that the speaker accesses themself, "Checking, my hopes did not drop", and finds some motivation.
The latter half of the poem acts as a sort of solution. Stowing away fear, "Making sure my dreads are locked". Then the next line "I left the door unlocked" seems to be referring to the next line "The doors of hopes" even though it could be referring to the previous line, supported by the a-a-b-c-d-e-e rhyme scheme. The last line, however, "Once was which, in ropes" suggests that some change within the poem happened to it.
I do find it very interesting that the metaphorical door of hope is only left unlocked and it is not opened. This leads me to believe that the speaker is still unsure about the obstacles and is acting passively in the scenario, letting things come to him/her. The ropes that were once on the door tells me that this hope was not accessible before. The poem doesn't specify whether this was due to an external source or put up originally by the speaker.
I love the rhyme scheme. It's not strict a-a, b-b, c-c... like I would expect. There are rhymes within the lines themselves that keep the rhythm going. The rhythm only stops when the speaker does in the line "I stopped with shock" which gives the reader a feeling of abruptness.
The ellipses at the end of each line puzzle me. Usually, ellipses at the end of a sentence indicate that something is ongoing. The poem is written in past tense so it appears paradoxical to me to uses ellipses in every line even in the line "I stopped with shock" or "I left the door unlocked" That is written so matter of fact. I'd also like to point out that three of nine lines have four periods instead of three. It could be intentional and cleverly used but context doesn't match up as far as I can tell.
The poem isn't just about hope. It's about the speaker's hopes and their personal struggle with it. The title "The Door of Hopes" Is an allusion to a choice. A door you can open, close, lock, or unlock. The speaker decided to leave the door unlocked and let their hopes come to them.
I loved the poem and hope to read more of this sort of thing in the future from you. I will be looking into your other works.
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