Great story. It kept me curious and wondering, and moved me along at a slow but rolling pace. I really liked the descriptions and details, which enriched the story and didn't bog it down at all. Initially I had some questions about Daphne's actions and motivations, but as the story moved along, they were answered more than satisfactorily. The plot twist was great, too. I like that it didn't seem foreshadowed at all and I didn't see a twist coming of any kind, so it was a nice surprise that made me smile and say "AHA!"
I have a few specific points I wanted to make and a couple of questions about the narrative. I liked the imagery and the feeling of isolation and the beckoning of the ocean in the opening scenes. In the first paragraph, what is the mention of the city? I thought maybe there was a beach town nearby but this place, a few paragraphs later, is said to be isolated? It contrasts with the theme of being drawn to the sea out of isolation and the refuge that Thomas and Daphne are taking there to be away from the city.
The words you use in the beginning such as "like a ring on a lover's finger," "more than any woman..." foreshadows loneliness and why parted lovers are drawn to the sea. It specifically draws the analogy to married lovers, like we will find out is the relationship between Daphne and her dead husband Thomas. This is so effective and well done!
Five to six paragraphs in, the paragraph changes tense. "Wafted" in that sentence should be, "An aroma WAFTS through the air" and so forth for the rest of the verbs there. This is the only paragraph in which that occurs, though. Incandescent means emitting light through being heated, though it has the more obscure meaning of "very angry", neither of which seem to apply to the moon in the context you have it or to the story, so consider taking it out. Also, "As if I was being humerous" should read, "As if I WERE being humerous".
Many of the details about Daphne, as I mentioned, become clear. Some of them keep me wondering, however. Daphne was SO young for marriage at sixteen, and I thought this suggested that this is not set in modern day? "Gave him my hand," also sounded old-fashioned, and the fact that she was hung only a month after she was arrested also put the setting at some point in the past. Her clothes seemed like they could be modern or 19th century, but other than that there aren't any other clues as to what time period the story is taking place in. I'm not sure whether that was intentional, as part of the universality of the cheating/jealousy concept? It seems like more clues as to the time would help the setting though. As far as diction, Daphne uses too many passive verbs in her story. And Daphne is young and small- surely at four months of pregnancy she would be showing, so how could no one know? Generally she would be able to use that as a plea for leniency or clemency in court, too, and I think almost certainly she would considering she knew she was innocent and faced the death penalty. I think it would be more believable if she were maybe only a few weeks pregnant at the time of the murder and not known it herself... Something to make that part seem more realistic.
The final details are where I get lost. I liked that she turns out to be dead and I like the images of her turning into a corpse- believable. What gets me is, "Thomas died tonight. That's why she came. Me. That's why I could only see her tonight. Because I died tonight." If Daphne was hung a month after Thomas was shot, how could Thomas have died tonight? If you mean to make it ambiguous as to whether the narrator is or is not the husband, some other details don't fit as well, such as why they both have been coming to the beach for a while but never met. Shouldn't this be her first time there since she just passed away? And I could rationalize that he may've been dead longer and that's why he no longer recognized her though she seems to recognize him, but it doesn't fit with him just dying tonight. If she'd seen him so many times there also, it seems like she would be dying (so to speak) to tell him the story, rather than waiting for him to come to her and then treating him dispassionately.
Anyway, I know this is long, but I hope that you can find some useful feedback in it. Thank you for sharing this story; you have a budding talent and I added you to my favorite authors so I hope to see more of your work in the future!
Sincerely,
Cate |
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