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94 Public Reviews Given
117 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I look for interesting stories. I do not guage another author because of differences in style (from my own). I look for spacing, grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc. I also look for incongruity. For instance: "It was a cold night with no fire to warm ourselves." And then, starting the next paragraph: "The next morning we put out the fire and left on our horses."
I'm good at...
Finding incongruities
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, science fiction, westerns, military anything
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review of Returning Home  
Review by Averren
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Well done! I love fantasy and science fiction. Admittedly, I don't usually read dark fantasy, but I do note dislike it.

I was immediately engaged, drawn in. I wanted to know what happens next. Though a bit confusing at first (terminology and assigning my own meanings to your environmental descriptions), it did not take me long to assign meaning, allowing me to begin the process of building mental images to see the story as I read it.

Is this a part of a larger work? It feels like part of a greater story.

Once again, well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
27
27
Review by Averren
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Well done! The story flows well. It is interesting, draws the reader in. I sometimes find it difficult to review another writer’s work. I keep trying think about how I would have written it, how I might have controlled the dialog, or set the scene. When I do this, I have to pull back and look at the work, not as I would write it, but as I would look at any author I read.

Doing this with your work here… with one exception I really liked this vignette of a family dinner. I felt the emotion, heard the pain and longing. Once again, Well Done!

Now for the exception… (sorry for the ham-handed segue) You said his father was holding a knife, and then yelled, “Get away from my house, or I’ll shoot!” Readers notice small details. The comment fits, but perhaps he should have pulled a gun instead of a knife.

Is there more to this story? Is it based on real events? Inquiring minds want to know!
28
28
Review of Dolphin Pool  
Review by Averren
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, TK.

Nicely done! You have an engaging, conversational style to your writing. It pulled me in, made me feel like I was an old friend listening to you relate a fond childhood memory. It had a good start and a great ending, neatly concluding the memory. I have many such memories of my childhood.

There were a few areas where I might have described something a bit differently, or perhaps have punctuated a sentence in a different way, but I chalk that up to style and do not feel it worth mentioning.

The only error, if you would even call it that, was with the crickets. They are nocturnal. They only chirp at night because the predators they fear the most hunt mostly by day. They are also very sensitive to sound and vibration. Ever notice how crickets immediately go silent when you approach one at night?

No worries, however, I love the way you ended with a visit to the pool again, taking your Mom along. Did your siblings ever go back to see it?

As I said, nicely done.

Write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
29
29
Review by Averren
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

I generally review fiction works but thought I would give your short piece a look and a few comments. Here goes...

I found it largely well written. You have an engaging style that pulled me in, made me want to know more. I can relate, somewhat, to the feelings you expressed. My family moved to Phoenix when I was 14. Even though the neighborhood we lived in was not as dangerous as the one you describe, it was close. I saw no dialog, but I don’t think it was necessary here. In the end, I do have a few comments, things you might want to consider in your future writing.

Punctuation, spelling, and grammar are key to strong and appealing writing. I saw no misspelled words, but a few sentences were a bit long and I did see one improper use of a semicolon. When you separate ideas with a period, make sure they are complete sentences.

Try to avoid using repeated words or phrases, even similar sounding ideas, within the same sentence. I would even suggest you do not do this within a single paragraph. Your reader will notice. Look at the beginning of your work and see if you can find what I am talking about.

That's about it. The only other thing I would mention is that the ending seemed just a little abrupt. I was left wondering what had happened to the older brother, what had caused the seemingly significant change in him. Did you ever figure that out? If so, I would have added it to the story.

Overall? Nicely done! I get the impression you are young, or at least a young writer. You have a crisp, relatable style that I have no doubt will improve with time.

Don't stop writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
30
30
Review by Averren
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,

It has been a while since I reviewed anything thing on here, so please be patient. I will try to make my comments as coherent as possible.

First off, I love the title. The play on words is excellent. Your title prompted my review. I sometimes wonder if I have missed something great and wonderful because the title was boring, uninteresting. I worry that my own title choices will cause the same.

The story line piqued my interest. It was sufficiently mysterious and intriguing. Even so, as a fiction piece, I could not relate it to any personal experience.

I got the general idea of who the characters are and their general roles within the story. I was however, confused by the dialog in a few spots. Make sure your punctuation and sentence structure are spot on. For example, “They spoke with distinct, welcoming tones. In great detail, about many subjects, as vaguely as possible.” Seems like a complete idea, but you split it up with a period. You will get better with practice.

Watch your line spacing. You might want to do a quick review before you post your item.

Learn to paint a picture with your words. It was (and is) one of the most difficult things for me to learn/do. Make sure you are not taking for granted your reader will understand what you are trying to say or describe.

“Free popcorn”, a little sign said, so I pushed the heavy mahogany door open.” Pushed the door open? Most doors you can push open are glass, not wood. Make it believable. Also, signs don’t speak, so the sign didn’t “say” anything.

Watch your analogies. If you are going to use something like this: “A monologue tattooed into their minds…,” set the stage for it. I was a little confused by this.

Dialog is a critical component of writing. It must sound natural. I learned from not only trying to write it, but also from reading, and re-reading my favorite authors to see how they handle dialog.

Did you mean “c'est la vie?” You wrote “free”, not “vie.” Is that what you meant?

Be care of using repeated words or ideas: “To everyone’s surprise, (except mine) there were no parts of my score that didn’t work. I wasn't surprised…”

Be specific. “Across the room, another wall with large, silver, italicized cursive letters declared…” Did the wall speak or was it printed on the wall?

The story seems to jump around in spots. It almost seems as you forgot some key points of bits of dialog.

As stated above, the storyline piqued my interest. I am curious, I want to know what is going on and what happened to the young woman, what these people are doing with their “test.”

One thing I have done in the past is to set my writing aside and then go back to it in a day or so. I also ask people I trust to read it and be honest in their review. Learn to be thick-skinned. No one in a creative field should be afraid constructive criticism.

I hope you don’t find this review harsh or unfair. The first short story I wrote, very long ago, was shredded by its first reviewer… or so I thought at the time. Looking back on it, I see now he did me a huge favor. I have tried to find that original work, wishing I could rewrite it based upon his critique. Unfortunately, I most likely deleted it. I hope you take your feedback and revisit the story, improving and enlarging it. I look forward to reading it if you do.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
31
31
Review of My Magic  
Review by Averren
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ok...

I really, really liked this story. Your characterization was impeccable. The story had a nice flow - a definite beginning, middle and ending.

You did an awesome job on dialog.

There is very little room for improvement, but I did notice a couple of things I wanted to mention. Your sentences are, by and large, well structured. Nonetheless, you need to ensure your punctuation is correct when the sentences are long. You might consider deeper research on the use of semicolons and commas.

You mentioned her age six times during this brief story, four times within the first two paragraphs. That was a bit of overkill. It stressed this point too much. You did a great job of showing her seven year old personality in describing her actions, demeanor and dialog. Be careful of this in the future.

Once again, I loved it. Please continue writing. I look forward to seeing more of your work soon.
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Review by Averren
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like it! Very well written, it flows nicely and carries those undercurrents necessary to good stories. " “I swore to your mother I’d not tell of the war deeds of cousins Pippin and Merry to you at night.”

“No, no, Da…I won’t ask you to break your word on that, of course!” Elanor looked away from Sam so that the dimple in her cheek might not betray her. “Um, tell me about King Aragorn’s wedding?”

I love the way she guides Sam into this story. It's even better because Sam knows he is being lovingly manipulated and launches into his "well-rehearsed story.

Bravo!
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