Your words paint a vivid picture...one of the things I like about this particular poem.
While I do like the poem as a whole, I particularly love your last verse: "So look away and catch your breath/ For learning of love is learning of death." There is so much meaning in these two lines. They certainly make the reader stop and think about what they have just read. Well done.
Thank you so much for asking me to look at your story. I enjoyed your storyline. Because you asked me for my help and because I actually like your story, I will offer a few suggestions that would will this story stronger.
Opening: The basic concept was excellent; however, I felt that it didn't read smoothly. To me it seemed choppy and although I could understand where you were going with it, I feel it would read better if you changed a couple of words and/or added some--for example you have "too much cover" I would have said, "too many covers". Also you start a sentence with "Motor" and I would have said, "The motor..."
I also noticed that you use a tool that is very effective for making the readers heart race with anticipation and hurrying along the story. You do this by your shortening sentence structure. My suggestion would be to continue to use this tool...but carefully. While this makes for excitement in a story, it can also make it difficult to read if the whole story is like that.
As I continued on with the first section of the story, you absolutely caught my interest. You made excellent use of suspense and I felt as though it were me waiting there with the iron. One question though: Who is "she" "her"? I am curious to know about this aspect of the story. Also there is a small typo: you have {[i}--thought you would like to know.
Middle section: Your first word So needs to be "So" as it is part of the dialogue. Also you have "Windsor continued,~. The..." I was wondering why you had the "`". Overall, excellent use of dialogue and explaining the story. An easy read.
Last section: Once again I feel that it is a little choppy...like you were rushing through and left out some of the fine details. Your actual ending sentence is excellent and makes the reader anticipate the next chapter.
Overall, I think this is the beginning of an excellent book...one I would look forward to reading. I am not sure if you are aware of a tool that writing.com offers called "Edit Points". This is great to use when you want feedback on each sentence or section. I think it is found in "My Place", but I am not sure as I don't use it myself. The only other suggestion would be to go back and read this out loud and see if you can feel the storyline. It should read smoothly so that the reader is able to lose himself/herself in it.
I hope my suggestions were of some help and not too discouraging. Keep up the great work and please send me the next chapter when you are finished it.
-Duckie
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