As a mother of two teenagers, the title of your article caught my attention right away. You provide very sound advice and I like how you have written it towards the teen audience--but with advice we adults can use as well.
While I found the reading flow a little awkward in the beginning, my overall impression was positive. As I mentioned above, you have taken a very important subject and provided a way to deal with it. I thought the second half of this was strong. The point form you use is very effective. Well done!
I really liked this poem. It was something I could relate to.
While short, this poem was full of hope and inspiration. I like the writing form you used and the way it flowed. I feel it shows off your writing skills. Most of all, I really liked your message of hope and how it made ME feel. Keep writing!
This poem reaches in and grabs at the heart of the reader...at least it did mine as it reminded me of the fact my own mother grew up in the foster care system.
I got caught up in the story of this poem as I read through it, and I couldn't help but feel the pain, frustration, confusion and anger that must have been apart of this whole experience. I found myself wondering why this even had to happen.
I was particularly caught up with verse 3 as you describe the pain in your mother's eyes. It lead me to believe that perhaps she didn't want to give up her children...but felt she had to.
My heart broke as I finished verse 4--particularly the last two lines:
"Knowing how much
You wanted us gone"
This "feeling" must have been terrible.
As I continued on and read about your little sister I found myself close to tears. What a horrible experience for both of you.
By the time I arrived at the end, I found myself just sitting here, hoping that the fact your mother's face was so strung out was because this was hurting her too and not merely because she really wanted you both gone.
You have done a wonderful job leading the reader through this whole experience. The emotion shows through with every word. Nice job.
Wow! This is fanastic! I love how you have written this from the bicycle's point of view. Your use of descriptive writing enabled me to visualize the whole scene.
I can just picture the father taking a old friend and refurbishing it--then handing it down to his beloved child. Can't you just see the joy on that child's face and picture the joy the bicycle feels at being used again?
What a moving story! I had chills. It also brought back childhood memories. Due to my own experiences I have come to believe there are angels among us that God sends when we need them the most. I am so glad you had Norma during your time of trial.
Although in a few spots the reading flow was a little awkward for me, I found myself much moved and inspired by your story. My rating is a reflection of that.
I hope this finds your health is much improved and that you have completely recovered from your surgery.
I really like this love poem. Not only can the reader apply to the romantic love between two people...but the deep love we share with our Heavenly Father.
It flowed nicely and there were no spelling mistakes or typos.
I really liked this poem very much. I found it not only encouraging but inspiring.
I like the fact that by the time I finished reading I was "inspired and encouraged" to make that extra effort and to take the time--to make sure those cards and calls of "encouragement" and "thinking of you" are done this week. Too often I start but get distracted.
I liked the writing form you used. It was visually attractive and easy to read. I didn't see any mistakes. Nice job on this very inspirational poem.
As I started this poem I expected something more conventional...you know the typical "love for a night" theme...Boy did you caught me off guard! It was so not what I expected!*grin* And yet...
I love the twist you gave it. I loved the fact that I was off guard. *grin*
Although I found reading the beginning a little slow for me, I really like how you tied it all together and made this poem into a story. Nice job!
What a moving story! It reached in and touched my heart and I couldn't help but think that there are times in our life that we are gifted to meet someone very special. That the actual time spent together doesn't matter because in our hearts it feels as though we've known them forever.
This is a rare and special relationship...the kind you seem to have shared with Matthew.
By the time I finished reading this story, my throat felt tight and I had shiny eyes. I am so sorry for your lost.
Your poem has touched a soft spot in my heart as it brought to mind my own very special mother...one who still loves and supports me even though I am now grown. *grin*
I love this tribute to mothers. It shows the love and appreciation you have as both the child with a mom and a mother who has children. Nicely done.
What an entertaining story! *grin* I laughed all through it as it took me back many years to a little white car....
I loved the humor you displayed in this story. I found myself chuckling and grinning quite a bit. Having walked in the same shoes I really can appreciate the relationship you share with your car. *grin* I also liked the name you gave your baby--*grin*
Thank you for sharing this story. Reading it has certainly brightened my morning.
Oh my! I am becoming more and more impressed as I continue to read through your port! You are indeed an extremely talented poet.
In this poem you've touched on a topic that I feel very deeply about...abuse. I hate it in all its forms. It breaks my heart when I see or hear of it. The many ways people...and animals are abused is heartbreaking. While any kind is upsetting, I personally have come to believe that the kind protrayed here is the worse. As far as I'm concern when someone sets out to destroy a person mentally and emotionally--to destroy who they are as a person--they are inflicting the worse kind possible. Especially if this done to a child. Once a soul/spirit is crushed it is never the same, and sometimes they are never able to recover. It takes a strong person who, in spite of the "attacks", is able to keep her/his soul protected from being destroyed. It is truly an awful way to live.
I like your choice of using fairy tales to get your message across. You have chosen well and have been able to deal with a very unpleasant topic successfully. I really like how the reader is left with the message that while life is not the fairy tale we all start out believing it will be, there is still hope for the future. Great job on this!
I have only one thing to say about this poem...WOW!!! I absolutely LOVE it!
Your talent really shows through in this. I love the way it flows and again the style you have chosen to present it. I love the message your words sends.
This is a "thinking" poem. It makes the reader stop and really take in what you are saying. I am sure that I will not be the only reader who will read this and be able to apply it to our own lives.
I struggled over which line I liked best...but after going back and forth, settled on the two that says:
"Wisdom not granted, but painfully earned,
Paid for with teardrops from lessons we've learned"
These two really hit home for me. You have captured my feelings exactly!
Your title caught my attention right away. I was reminded of a old song by...Smoky Robinson I think *grin*.
I loved the way this poem flowed--it read like a song. A also liked the form you chose to write this in. But I really liked is the content. You've written something I am sure most of us can relate to...and you've written it well.
The only suggestion I would make is that you may want to put quotes around the words "It's fine" in verse 7, line 3. Other than that, it's perfect. (It's perfect either way--*grin*
My overall impression of this was excellent. I found it to be "just my cup of tea" I look forward to reading more of your work.
I saw this item on the front page. Your title caught my interest so I decided to take a look. I am so glad I did as this reached in and touched my heart. . .probably because I have experienced this and can truly understand how you must have felt.
I really like the font you used. It made it so much easier to read...something I appreciate more and more as I get older. I also liked the form you used. It helped to get your message across.
As I mentioned earlier, this really touched my heart and I feel that with a little bit of editing, this would be perfect. I hope you don't mind if I make a few suggestions. They are:
Line 1: change "I had" to "I'd"--would make this line read more smoothly.
Line 3: "ment"--should be "meant"
Line 4: The line itself is fine. Although I know why you felt so badly, because I read the poem through first, I did wonder (during my first run through) why this perfect gift made your heart sink.
Line 11: "want" should be "wanted"
That's about it as far as any "technical" help I could offer. but I did have one other suggestion. I hestitated about offering this opinion, but I really do like this poem, so I will throw it out there for you to take or leave as you wish.
Although the poem is fine the way it is, I feel that if you were to remove lines 3 and 4 (because they rhyme) altogether or place them somewhere toward the end--perhaps between lines 10 and 11, the poem would be stronger. It is not that I don't like those two lines--I do very much. I also think they help create the mood of the poem. I am, however a little bothered by line 4 because in the beginning of this piece you show just how happy you were to get that little gift. You can feel just how much it meant to you. Line 4 seems to take away from that joy a little. Maybe it's just the way I read it. In any case, this is just an opinion. I hope I haven't offended you by offering it.
My overall impression of this poem was good. I loved the form you used when writing it and how easy it was for me to read. I also appreciated how you were able to move me emotionally. Nice job on this.
I stopped by for a visit and am so glad I did! This is truly a delightful story...with great potential. It is full of humor and just makes the reader want to continue reading it. I can easily see this made into a children's book...or even a children's show or movie. I really enjoyed reading it.
While I think the story itself is fanastic, I do have some suggestions that I feel would make this a little stronger--a little easier for the reader.
Your title and brief description:
I loved your title! This is what attracted me to your story in the first place. . Your brief description just made me want to start reading about this elderly dragon.
Paragraph 1:
Your second sentence is too long. It makes the reader feel a little breathless. A little change in the sentence structure--perhaps breaking it up into two sentences--would help. There are many little changes you could make without taking anything away from this paragraph. In the third sentence of this paragraph, I would change "that has" to "with". It would make the sentence stronger.
I really liked this first paragraph. I liked the detail you use...not only in this paragraph, but throughout the story. It drew me in. Your use of this tool is strong and helps the reader really "see" the story. The concept of a "small, elderly dragon" named "Embyer" really appeals to me.
Paragraph 2:
In the second sentence of this paragraph, you should add a comma between the words "crops" and "and"--one of those rules of punctuation we're all so fond of. *grin*
I liked how you described Embyer in his youthful glory...and I did find myself questioning the reason the villagers would send out their best youths. Were they suppose to fight the dragon? Was the dragon going to train them to be warriors (as in the story of Dragonheart)? What exactly did he do with these youths? I found the fact I had these questions made me want to continue reading...to see if the answer would be shown later.
Paragraph 3:
The only suggestion I would make here is to end your first sentence after the word "frequently". Then remove the words "seeing as" and start the next sentence with "Age was..."
Paragraph 4:
Here again I notice the length of your sentences. I would suggest going back and breaking the longer sentences into shorter ones. Perhaps you could end one sentence at the word "mountain" and then start the new sentence with "With their white gowns..."
Paragraph 5:
Remove the comma in sentence 1...you don't need it.
Sentence 3 read a little awkwardly. I suggest either changing the sentence structure a little or making a couple of word changes--for example, "Once they knew...demanding. They even had the nerve...." I would also change the "." after the word "soup" to "!"--just for effect.
This paragraph also answers the earlier question: "What does the dragon do with the youths?"
I really like how your sense of humor is showing in this story.
Paragraph 6:
Your last line would be more effective if you ended sentence with "on him". Start a new sentence with something along the lines of "They wouldn't allow..." or by using a hypen after the word him and changing the word "allow" to "allowing"...something along these lines.
Paragraph 7:
I really started chuckling in earnest as I read about the king. I simply loved your description of him.
In this paragraph I would change the word '"Tell" of Embyer'to "Word of..." or "The tale of...".
At first I was also going to suggest you change most the the "or"'s and replace with commas. However, when I went back and read the paragraph again I was left a little undecided about this. The commas technically would be better, but I think the "or"'s would appeal more if this were to be read to children.
Paragraph 8:
Again your sentence is a little long. I would also suggest removing the "()" around the word "eventually"
Paragraph 9:
You need a space between the end quote and the word "he."
You've done a good job describing Melvin. Your words paints a picture that we all can "see".
Paragraphs 10-13:
Excellent use of dialogue.
Paragraph 14:
The sentence: "The townsfolk of ours and other kingdoms..." reads awkwardly. I would suggest rearranging it to: "Our townsfolk and those in the other kingdom...".
Change the word "notice" to "noted"
I would also suggest leaving a line between the actual paragraph and the list...makes for easier reading. I do like the way you have listed them...shows his confused state of mind.
Paragraphs 16 & 17:
In these two paragraphs, there are places where you left out commas...with dialogue.
Paragraph 26:
"pair of people" sounds odd. I suggest changing it to "a couple of people", "pair of men", or "a couple of men"--something along those lines.
Next few paragraphs:
Humorous and sets up the "plan".
Paragraph 44:
Once again there is a lengthy sentence...saying that Flora failed should be a sentence of its own.
Paragraph 46:
Make this into two shorter sentences.
The rest of the story is very entertaining. The only suggestions I will make is to watch out for those commas. You have used too many in some areas and forgotten a few when it came to the dialogue aspect of the story. I would also suggestion trying to shorten some of those sentences as they make the reader feel a little breathless.
The ending:
I felt it ended a little too abruptly. I would have liked to see this story expanded. You've made me want more. Does the plan work?
Final thoughts:
Overall, I loved this story. I kept wanted to read more...and while I think it needs a little work I really believe that it has the potential to be a children's novel.(Children's books are in great demand--and I don't know a child who doesn't like dragons ). The opportunities are endless. The humor and storyline are great. It is easy to see you have talent.
You've done a good job with this piece of writing...it certainly caught my interest and in places I wrinkled my nose.
I liked your first paragraph. It made me want to search your port for the line about "the little beady black eyes of a rat"...not that I'm that fond of rats, merely the way you've phrased this paragraph made me curious.
In your second paragraph you reference a bar called "THE DEW DROP IN". Was this the real name of the bar? My it took me back many years to the days when I watched "The Walton's". My age is showing.
Paragraph 3: The word "chaten"...are you sure it isn't spelled "chatin'"? I have to admit to feeling some of the tension that must have been in the room as I read this and the next verse...one could just see that fight coming. Great job on description and building up that tense feeling.
Paragraph 5: Okay, I'm just going to say it--GROSS! While I'm not afraid of rodents, I'm pretty sure waking up and seeing a rat on my face would be bad enough...but to have it licking off the blood on my lip...YUK! My face had one of those "I just tasted cod liver oil" looks on it by the time I finished reading this paragraph. (Although I am glad you didn't kill the rat).
In your final paragraph: I liked how you tied the beginning and the ending. Well done.
Overall, this was an excellent read...especially if you are not all that missish (which I do tend to be *grin*.
Before I can go on to review this piece I will need to stop laughing! Oh, I so understand!! Not only does my dog hate storms, but you should see my cat!! There is no peace for me when the thunder roars. *grin*
Well now, to get to work *grin*. Your title is excellent! It captures the eye immediately, and makes the curious want to know what happens to make the bathtub a haven. My first thought was you must have kids and the tub is your "time out" haven. Then I went on to read your fabulous poem.
Your first verse is perfect...don't change a thing. It sets up the situation nicely and puts the reader in the proper frame of mind.
Verse two:
Line two: remove the word "here". You've used it in the previous line and it is not needed in the second line.
Line five: You have used the word "desk" twice in this verse. It is a little distracting. My suggestion would be to change line 5 so that you are describing what your poor puppy was doing while at your feet. For example: "He's shaking and shivering/Right at my feet" or "He scratching and digging/Into my feet" --that kind of thing. This would eliminate the use of the second "desk".
Verse three is very strong and pulls at our heartstrings as we picture poor puppy just so terrified...and you feeling helpless. I have so been there!
Verse four, line 2: Remove the first "And". It is not needed. Again, you have captured the very essence of the situation...the poor thing.
Verse five: I can just picture the whole scene. *grin* I bet your dog had a sheepish look on its face. This is a great way to end the poem.
I simply must say again, I LOVED this poem. It appealed to me on all levels. Thank you so much for making my laugh...I really appreciate it.
What a sweet poem! It is wonderful to read about this kind of deep and yes, healing love.
I simply loved your first verse. It had a personal feel to me (probably because my husband did the same thing--
The second verse is great as well...once again it appeals to the romantic in me and made me smile.
The next verse still triggers emotional feelings...you know the type most of us get when we think of weddings, babies, etc. One small suggestion for the second line. If you use some kind of punctuation between the words: "us" and "you", it would make the reader pause for a second and thus making this verse a little stronger.
I didn't feel verse four flowed as well as the first three. You have: "You gave me back my heart/that I'd to others lost" A suggestion I would make would be to change it to "You gave me back my heart/That to others I had lost". It seemed to flow better this way.
A beautiful ending with verse five...I actually found myself smiling through my tears.
I hope you don't mind another small suggestion...which is in the nature of personal taste. I love traditional poetry. I love to write it and I love to read it. You using this form is probably a factor in why I enjoyed this poem so much...that and the fact it is mushy. *grin*.
I noticed that when you continued your thought from one line to the next, you did not capitalize the first letter of that "next line". Many writing poetry do not. However, I find that when reading traditional poetry it seems to help with the flow and has a nicer visual appearance. Of course, this is only my personal preference.
My overall impression of this poem was excellent. It really appealed to me on an emotional level. I loved the romance and love that flowed in each line. Great job.
I really enjoyed reading this for the most part. The beginning read smoothly and painted a very clear picture. I could almost hear the birds singing...and I could certainly picture them on the ground and the butterflies fluttering by. Reading this part made me smile.
When I got to the third verse, I was a little confused as the first two sentences reference a man and the second two referenced a woman. Once I read it again, I understood where you were coming from. I liked the concept here. (Well, not the death but the way you are changing the tone of the poem and showing that darkness can lurk even in lightness).
While I liked the way you ended this poem, I didn't think the final line was as strong as the rest, but to be honest...I don't really have any suggestion on how you could improve it. I can see where you are going with it and I appaud the concept. I like how you are tying it together...it's just that--for me--the final line needs a little work to help this piece become more solid. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful.
I liked the overall impression this poem gave and I rated it as I did because of the way it made me feel. I think you are sending an excellent message...one that made this reader stop and think. Keep on writing such powerful work!
There are many things I liked about this story...starting with your brief description. As I read it the word "microfiction" caught my eye.
Next there was the first part of the story. Short and to the point, it still managed to convey her horror as she glances down and realizes her ring is gone. I can easily see her excitement at landing her fish change into the stomache wretching pain of disbelief and horror! Your words made it easy for me to place myself in that position. I know exactly how I would feel--I lost one of my rings after only being married a few days.
Finally your ending. I love the miracle you've portrayed here. I liked the build up and finally the ring is revealed. It made me feel good and put a smile on my face. I can just imagine how both of them must have felt when they saw it there inside the fish. For me, the ring had added importance because it was her mother's--your writing made the story real.
There's nothing I would change...except to make it longer--but then, it wouldn't be microfiction. *grin*. Nice job.
Stories like these just rip me apart. I just can't stand the idea of anyone being abused let alone a child.
Although the topic is as always disturbing, there are many things I like about this poem.
First I like how you introduced the horror this child was living...and the way this whole poem is from the child's perspective. What a brave little one!
Next, I think it's wonderful that you showed that there was an outside adult that no only cared, but was willing to get involved and do something to help this child and its mother.
Finally, you leave us feeling good. No only does the abuser get what he deserves, but now the family can go on and have a new and better life.
There are only two suggestions I can make. In your first verse, second line you say "The kids at school today made fun of me"--then you go directly into the abuse. I like that second line but just for a moment, I was thrown off by the third. If you were about to somehow join the two thoughts, this verse would be stronger. For example: "The kids at school today made fun of me, they saw what he had done..." Not necessarily that, but you get the idea.
Overall, I feel you've done a good job capturing the heart of this child's pain, confusion, sorrow, and eventually it's hope. Well done!
What an interesting story--my reaction to reading it actually caught me by surprise--in a good way. As I got more and more into your story I found myself tense...my breath caught as I wondered if Precious would make it home safely.
Reading this made me wish it were longer. I can easily see it turned into a book for older children/younger teens...the basic elements are all there.
I found a few spots a little awkward to read, particularly your first paragraph. I hope you don't mind my making a few suggestions that would help this story become a little stronger.
Paragraph 1:
You have "Well, Toby", I would remove the first comma...it is not needed.
Change the comma you have after the word "table" to a period. It reads better when this is done.
"The dog looked at his eyes" leaves the reader open to the question: Who's eyes? By adding a word--for example his master's eyes; his owner's eyes; his friends eyes or by saying "The dog looked at Wilhem's eyes" you eliminate any confusion the reader may have.
(By the way, I love the names you chose for your characters...they help the reader to picture the character's personality. )
When you say, ""This is the end". His aged..." I would suggestion adding a little something...for example, ""This is the end", Wilhelm sighed as his aged framed slumped--his energy spent."
Paragraph 2:
"Toby got up and trotted through the next room to the bedroom." It is at this spot I would change it a little by adding something else. For example:...There he nuzzled the sleeping Precious". "Once there he...". Something along those lines.
For me, "He turned and left the room and she followed."would flow better with: "When he turned and left the room, she followed."
Paragraph 3
Remove the comma just between "said" and "and".
It is in this paragraph that I really start to visualize this story...I can just see Wilhelm sitting dejectedly and Precious' eyes glazing over as his hand rubs her head...how dogs love that.
Paragraph 4
Again, too many commas. A suggestion would be to rearrange your sentence...example: "Precious broke from her tranced and crossed the room, whining as she scratched on the back door."
Paragraph 6
"Her head came up, she gave a bark". Here I would remove the comma and add the word "and". I could then remove the word "and" found between the words "bark" and "Toby". Next remove the final comma you find in this sentence as it is not needed.
Change the comma between the words "off" and "then" to a period. Add something along the lines of "After going a few steps she then broke into a run." This would make the flow of the paragraph easier to read.
When I first read the last sentence I thought you had accidently called Precious a "Him". I could just change the sentence around abit so it is clear that you are talking about "Toby".
Paragraph 10:
The tension of suspense started to build for me here.
Paragraph 12:
Technically I didn't find anything that I could offer up as a helpful suggestion, but I did have a question--and I ask only because by this time I am caught up with the story Why is the doberman fighting for obedience--was he commanded to do so, and if so by whom? Was he not fighting because he loved it, or merely because Toby attacked first? I found myself curious about this part of the story. I do love the way this paragraph flowed...again I found myself right there seeing the action for myself.
Paragraph 14:
Although this paragraph is fine the way it is, by changing the first comma into a period and making that first sentence into two smaller ones, tension would be built even more...although that might not be a good idea for those of us reading who have heart conditions. *grin* Just teasing.
Between the words "pushed" and "harder", I would suggest adding the word "even". You used "pushed harder" at the end of the previous paragraph.
Paragraph 15:
"the attacker dropped away toward his home". Is his home within view of the farmhouse Precious lives at? If not perhaps saying something like "the attacker dropped away and head started back towards his home". Just an idea.
Paragraph 17:
"Taking it, he opened it and his ..." The two "its" so closely together made reading this sentence a little awkward for me. My suggestion would be to identify the first "it". For example: "Taking the envelope from her, he opened it..."
Paragraph 19:
You don't need the comma between the words "peg" and "then".
Paragraph 20:
His paragraph actually made my heart sad. I so easily pictured the scene. I do think that if you either made "mourning the sacrifice" and "honoring the courage" two seperate sentences or changed the comma between the two to the word "and". It would be much stronger. You should also end the sentence after the word "courage".
Finally, "her master would never know". Know what? Of course, reading the previous sentence does answer this question, but the final bit feels unfinished. "Her master would never know..." add what her master would never know. For example: "just how much Toby loved him"; "how brave Toby was"--something along that line.
I hope I haven't been too discouraging. I don't want you to read this and feel as though I thought it was terrible--I don't. In fact, I loved this story...and surprised myself by wishing it were a novel. As I was reading it I could just picture all the hidden story lines that aren't included here. Thank you for that.
What a great poem! I appeals to me on many levels.
I love how you used your words and humor to honor your parents. It is beautiful to read about such strong parent/child bonds of respect and affection. You clearly show both with each word you used.
I like how you've written this--the form. No only is it visually appealing, but moves the reader quickly through the body so that the humor can be built up and felt...I know I was certainly smiling and chuckling by the time I reached the end.
The only suggestion I would make would be to add a little punctuation here and there. I think it would make this excellent poem just a little stronger. Either way it is still good.
Your parents must have enjoyed reading this because--speaking as a Mom, I don't see how they wouldn't have. This is simply great!
-Duckie
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You provide very sound advice and I like how you have written it towards the teen audience--but with advice we adults can use as well. 
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