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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/earthlover
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7 Public Reviews Given
7 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by earthlover
Rated: E | (3.0)
The word choice you used definitely evokes emotion, which is a strong backbone for this piece.

I have two critiques: first, you said it was love for a stranger, yet you seem to be more connected than just that. I may be misunderstanding your meaning of the word stranger, but I think a little clarification will make this piece so much stronger.

Second, you can improve the flow. In the fourth paragraph, you talk about being 'wrong,' but it is not clear about what you are referring too. The thoughts jump much like traditional thought, which is good and makes it realistic, but adding a little more detail will make it clearer for the reader.

Write on!!!!
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Review of I Am  
Review by earthlover
Rated: E | (2.5)
It seems that you are trying to explain yourself in an ironic light, which is witty and a great literary device. However, the different stanzas don't seem to connect very well in theme. I am not really sure what you are trying to show. I think you could improve this poem by connecting the lines and eliminating unnecessary information. If you can connect the 'call of duty' line keep it, but it doesn't fit as it is. I love the word choice. "Halcyon," I may use that.
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Review of Hourglass  
Review by earthlover
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love, love, love the concept of an hourglass shaped poem about life and time. You did a great job using the top part as an intro/beginning/description and the second part as a reflection of memories. It feels as if you are progressing through life as you read it. And using 'Why?' as the middle line was a great transition.

My only constructive comments would be to vary your word choice ('Decay' is use multiple times.) I think you could fix this by not forcing the rhymes. They do add to the flow where they work, but the lines "Our time...we yen," "yen" seems very forced and doesn't really fit. You could try a loose rhyme that still keeps the flow though it is not identical.

I love this poem and think it just needs some edits to flow. Keep up the good work!
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