This is really good, but I think that you should spell out without, because I think it takes away from the feeling a bit, because you are abbreveating. Keep at it as work on my poetry. (my prose is probably better)
It still needs work. The names are difficult to read and trips me as the reader up and distracts from the story. There is an awful lot of explaining, the detail is good, but too much detail is as bad as too little detail. Your ideas are good and I think with some smoothing out, this story will be great. If you are looking for something to read on writing, check out The Writer's Little Helper by James V. Smith Jr. You find it very helpful. I hope this helps and I am not saying I am a perfect writer at all. I know I need to work on my own skills as well. If you get the chance come check out my stories. Thanks
Its a good start. I found the begining was a little confusing. I felt that a few things could have been explained more. When you had the characters speak you put the speaking parts together. It would be eaiser to follow if you had a new paragraph each time a different character speaks. A little more detail and maybe have thoughts more connected to the character. Otherwise I think that you have a great story.
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