I will be reviewing your poem based on five factors:
Language/tone-5 marks
Flow-5 marks
Imagery-5 marks
Punctuation-5 marks
Spelling/Typos-5 marks
Language/tone:
The language that you used was ok but I just feel that you could have made the poem longer and developed some of the ideas in the poem a bit more using slightly more complex language. Also I think you should change the either the word "unseen" or the word "seen" because otherwise it is slightly repetitive.
Flow:
Your poem flowed really really well and I loved the rhythm which it had. It really reminded me of going down a river. The flow, that is.
Imagery:
It is hard in a poem this short to use much imagery but I really feel that if you do decide to expand the poem then it will be easier to put in some imagery.
Good luck.
Punctuation:
Your punctuation was nearly perfect.
Here are my suggestions.
After "find" put a full stop.
Spelling/Typos:
Your spelling was perfect and you had no typos. Good job!
I will be reviewing your poem based on five factors:
Language/tone-5 marks
Flow-5 marks
Imagery-5 marks
Punctuation-5 marks
Spelling/Typos-5 marks
Language/tone:
Your language and tone was mainly very good. I have one suggestion though.
"Down and down away." I see what you are trying to get at here but I don't really think that you have expressed it as well as you could. At the moment this phrase doesn't really make much sense. I think it is mainly the word "away." Maybe change it or rephrase it slightly.
Flow:
The flow of this poem needs a bit of work. Some of the phrases are much longer than others which makes the rhythm go off a bit.
Here are my suggestions.
In the first stanza the phrases need to be more joined to each other. Read it out aloud, see what you think because when I read it out loud it just seemed rather disjointed.
The phrase "Wanting revenge for the lifetimes never spent" seems a bit too long and therefore stops the flow slightly. I would suggest making it more concise, maybe by rephrasing it or changing it a bit.
The phrase "At the places that began and ended a lifetime" also seems a bit too long and I would also suggest making it more concise by rephrasing it or changing it slightly.
Imagery:
You don't really use much imagery in this poem.
I feel that I would like more description in this poem, using lots of imagery. Maybe describe the clothes he wears, and instead of just say where he is going, describe it. I feel that if you extended this poem more it would really improve it.
Punctuation:
Your punctuation was mainly very good.
Here are my suggestions.
After "Spitalfields" put a comma.
After "cured" put a comma.
Spelling/Typos:
I could find no spelling errors or typos in this poem. Good job!.
I will be reviewing your poem based on five factors:
Language/tone-5 marks
Flow-5 marks
Imagery-5 marks
Punctuation-5 marks
Spelling/Typos-5 marks
Language/tone:
The language you use is very simple. In the first verse you use the word "seem" three times. I think you should should change one of them to a different word because otherwise it is slightly repetitive.
"OH." I don't think that this needs to be capitalised.
Like I mentioned earlier, your language was very simple. There are so many different ways to describe people rather than just "sad." It would just improve the poem. I really liked the first three lines though.
The ending is quite sudden and doesn't really work particularly well. I think that you should lead into it more and give more detail and description.
Flow:
Your flow was good in this poem and would be even better if you just made some punctuation changes which I will mention later.
Imagery:
You don't really use any imagery in this poem and I think it would really benefit from some, especially at the end.
Punctuation:
Your punctuation was ok in this poem but could be improved a bit to help the poem flow slightly better.
Here are my suggestions.
Change the comma after "sad sounds" to a full stop, then start a new sentence saying "They seem to appear out of nowhere."
After "squint" put a comma.
After "long blonde hair" put a comma.
After "closer" put a comma.
Spelling/Typos:
Your spelling in this poem was fine except for the fact that you kept on capitalizing letters.
"The Crying" should be "the crying."
"That seem" should be "that seem."
"Than I see it" should be "then I see it."
"This sound of loneliness" should be "this sound of loneliness."
Your overall mark is 13.5 out of 25.
This gives you an overall rating of
Please don't be discouraged by my review. I do think that your poem has great potential. If you do decide to edit it I will be very happy to re-review it.
I really enjoyed reading your poem. It was really funny and had mostly good flow.
Suggestions:
"a big bimbo". This phrase doesn't really work. It flows well but just doesn't really make sense. A bimbo is someone dumb and human, whereas a computer is not human and therefore cannot be a bimbo.
"My fault he abuses me". This phrase seems a bit awkward and stops the flow slightly. Maybe rephrase it.
Overall this was a good poem which I enjoyed reading.
This was a very sad and heart wrenching read. It had great flow and was very moving. Good job!
Suggestions:
I know the first and second lines mean a lot to you but I don't think that you need to say them so many times. Maybe try to reword some just to add some more variety.
First of all thanks for entering my contest. Good luck.
I think your poem has great potential and its a good length.
Suggestions:
"It leaves you to sink to the bottom".
Change this to "It leaves you to sink right to the bottom".
It will improve the flow.
"Desperation will comsume your life
Desperation for something besides strife".
I think you should rephrase these two lines because at the moment they are stopping the flow a bit.
The fourth verse seems a bit awkward to me. I think you should redo it or take it out because at the moment it is stopping the flow.
In the fifth verse the ryhmes aren't really working very well. I see you've tried but I think it would just be better if you try to change the fifth verse.
"You rate your life's quality by what you crave".
I don't think that this phrase really works in your poem because it doesn't really lead on very well from the last line.
Please don't be discouraged by this review. Like I said before I think your poem has GREAT potential and I will be very happy to review it again if you decide to edit it.
I really enjoyed reading your poem and I loved the way you described so well.
Suggestions:
"don't speak". I don't really understand why this phrase is there. It doesn't seem to make sense if this phrase is there.
"Next picture". This phrase stops the flow. I know you have to say next picture but maybe you could put it into a descriptive phrase or something like that.
I really enjoyed reading your poem. It had a nice structure and had good ryhmes.
Suggestions:
In the first verse I think you should change the full stop after "brave" to a comma and then put a "but" before "if". I think this would improve the flow.
"I am tired as well". Change this to "I am very tired as well". I think it would improve the flow.
"I keep inside to myself". I feel that this phrase is slightly awkward. I think that the main problem is the word "myself". Maybe change this line slightly.
Remember that these are just my suggestions and you don't have to change anything if you don't want to.
You have some great images there. You should be proud of the first one although I also loved the rest of them as well. I especially loved the last three cnotes. Good job.
First of all thanks for entering my contest. Good luck.
I really enjoyed reading your poem. It had a good steady flow which helped the pace and drama of the poem. I also thought that your use of vocab was very good as well.
Suggestions:
I felt that your only weakness was punctuation.
Put a comma after "smashed" and "jaw".
Put a comma after "room" and "tomb".
Put a comma after "mend" and "end".
Put a comma after "fields" and "yields".
Put a comma after "moans".
Put a comma after "hill" and "take".
Put a comma after "glorious".
Your poem will be perfect after a quick edit.
Good effort.
Keep writing.
Mousie xx
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