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Review of Silent Rain  
Review by Lightbringer
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Kevin, I'm not so in to poetry, so my feedback will be pretty limited.

*Hourglass* Overall Impression:
I don't know if it's because I'm not so in to poetry, or if the language was weak, but I just couldn't identify with the sorrow of the narrator. I got the impression he was involved in some sort of accident.

*Tools2* Grammar and Mechanics:
"I touch it, just to reassure myself it was [is] still there."
This is the only instance I noticed where your tenses wavered. Make sure to keep your tenses straight.

*Idea* Final Thoughts:
I might be able to give a more useful review if I understood the nature of the loss. What happened? Was he in a car accident? Is he still by the scene of the accident? Is he by her grave? Basically, just try and come across a little clearer with what's occurring in the poem.

Keep writing,
Lightbringer
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Review of The Moon  
Review by Lightbringer
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Karaoke Writer,

*ThumbsUp* Overall Impression:
I really enjoyed reading this. There was a lot of very good description throughout. The shift between the beach, hospital and back again were done very well. The character interactions, though minimal, really gave a great sense of who Steve Jennings is.

*Tools2* Areas of Improvement:
All the suggestions/corrections I'll be making are of the technical nature. I've used brackets [ ], to show when any changes, in wording, punctuation, or missing quotations are necessary. Try to avoid using the same word too often ('just' was used four times in a 2 line paragraph), or unnecessary words (usually adverbs).

Paragraph 1:
"Steve [a]woke face down in fine white sand."

Paragraph 2:
"In the moon light, he looked [on to] an ocean of black water."
Only use onto as one word if 'up' is implied before it. Ex: You can climb onto a surfboard, because you are climbing 'up' onto a surfboard.

"Seeing nothing but seemingly endless beach, the world around him began to spin and jump."
Using adverbs is very tempting, but do not use them unless they actually add something to the statement. Ex: 'As I slowly stood up...' In this instance the adverb contributes to the thought.

"A sudden wave of nausea hit[;] he leaned over dry heaving until he passed out."
Because both sentences can be written independently, to connect the idea, a semicolon is needed in place of a comma.

"Steve regained consciousness and stood[.]"

"he did not know how long he had been out. However, it could not have been long since it was still dark."
--He knew it couldn't have been out long since it was still dark.--
Use concise language whenever possible. The same statement can be significantly shortly, yet can be written just was well, if not better.

"A refreshing breeze blew gently[,] and although the air was thick with humidity, the temperature was pleasant enough."

Paragraph 3:
"There were no sounds of any kind other than the [un]tiring surf."

"Assuming he was on a large island, there should have been some kind of insects making noise[.] Steve looked out over the water[,] at the largest moon, he had ever seen."

"He was no astronomer, but something about it just seemed…off. Then again, everything was off just now. Steve felt tired and hungry[;] he just had to think. He just had to focus."
Way too much focus on the word just. Avoid using the same word unless there's no other way to convey a thought.

Paragraph 4,5,6,7, and 8:
“What the h-hell?” He said aloud, as he [was] startled to his feet."

“What the HELL!” He screamed[,] as the shock of seeing another planet hanging overhead caused a string of hysterical expletive phrases, to spew from his mouth.

“Mister Jennings, can you hear me?["] A voice that came from nowhere caused Steve, to stop his fit of hysterics.

“Who’s there?["] He [shouted].
'Shouted' has a much greater effect than 'asked aloud'.

“Mister Jennings[,] wakes up mister Jennings.”

Paragraph 12, 14, 18:
"What was going on? The moon…it seemed to be [getting] closer, brighter. Yes, it is getting Bigger."

“Hello mister Jennings[,]” [t]he person next him said.

“Water[,]” he rasped.

Paragraph 19:
"Doctor Weaver put a plastic cup to his lips, and Steve sipped its cool liquid."
While I understand what you mean, by the way the sentence is written, it can mean a few things.
In addition to the intended meaning, the sentence can be read as Dr. Weaver put the cup to his own lips, and Steve sipped from the Dr.'s lips, which is rather odd.
--Doctor Weaver put a plastic cup to Steve's lips, who then sipped the cool liquid.--

Paragraph 20,24,26,32, and 33:
“OK, that’s enough for now.” Doctor Weaver removed the cup and placed it on the [bedside] table at his bedside.

“You had a car accident[;] you were in a coma.”

“Mister Jennings, this is a lot to take in at [once]. Let’s just give you some time then later[;] we can talk more about this [later]. I really need to run some test[s] on you now.”

”Where is she!” Steve’s [hoarse] voice demanded.

“I’m afraid she did not survive the impact of the crash[,]” Weaver said with a detached voice. “She died quickly.”

Paragraph 38,40,42,45, and 47:
"He opened his eyes. He looked up at the moon."
--He opened his eyes, and looked up at the moon.--

"He looked back at the moon[;] it was no longer calling to him."

“No, I’m not[,]” his wife replied.

"Steve looked around again, heard the surf breaking on the rocks, [and] felt the cool breeze on his face."

“No my love, you’ve fallen back into a coma.” [h]is wife said as they stood shoulder to shoulder on the beach, staring at the moon."

*Idea* Final Thoughts:
The Moon, as I said earlier is a very good story. I was impressed by how vividly you described Steve's imagination as a mechanism of dealing with his coma and the lose of his wife. What needs the most work in this story is the punctuation. I cannot stress more the importance of self-editing. There are areas where a semi-colon is needed in place of a comma or period, and other areas where a closing quote or comma are missing entirely. As good as your description is, it needs to be punctuated correctly.

Keep writing,
Lightbringer
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153
Review by Lightbringer
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Iris, I liked your poem, but I have a few suggestions.

"Ravenous Eyes and Greedy tongues are all I see,"
Capitalize both "Eyes" and "tongues" to be consistent.

"With silver{,} spider silk to collect the toll."
Lose the comma. Nice use of alliteration though. :)

"Like a joker jesting about a deathly row."
"A row of the innocent wearing reflecting casts,"
Try to avoid using the same words too often. Is there another way you can think to say 'row of innocent'?

"Pleasant drinking and Glory on the waisted lives."
The correct word is 'wasted'.

"{How } [N]ow{,} I hear the angel's bay darkly and piss."
Capitalize 'Now' and lose 'How' and the comma. Also, is it one angel or many? If it's many, change it to angels.

"This{,} I say, is the end of the end,"
Lose the comma.

"And I fear what lies beyond the {other } bend."
The message is stronger as 'the bend'.

What you need to focus on most is comma usage. This is a difficult one to handle as it plagues most aspiring writers (myself included). There are plenty of websites which best describe how to use it. Do a Google search for 'Rules of Comma Usage'. Try to find one that seems the most helpful and least complicated to understand. Good luck with your writing. If you have any questions, I'd be happy to help.

Keep writing,
Lightbringer

P.S. One final note: "The End of all things." That should be your description. Any further elaboration weakens the statement.
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154
Review of Without them  
Review by Lightbringer
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Lis, this is beautifully written. I can only think of two possible changes to make: The first is the description itself. It's minor, but I feel 'Just' detracts from the meaning. It's not just 'a plastic view', it's 'A plastic view'. Make the statement stronger.
--A plastic view on what we should cherish.--

"It doesn't utter a word. Yet, its grey ancient cover gets out of the way and lets me observe the pale-yellow, fragile pages."
It's a great image, but it reads a little awkwardly.
--It doesn't utter a word, yet its grey ancient cover gets out of the way and lets me observe the pale-yellow, fragile pages.--
Again the change is very minor, but by linking the two sentences together, it becomes a more cohesive thought.

Really good work Lis, I enjoyed reading this.

Keep writing,
Lightbringer
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155
Review of Nightmares  
Review by Lightbringer
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi to.make.you think,
I found this story to be beautifully descriptive and well written. The first paragraph in particular had a wealth of visual imagery, so I can't point out any specific sentence to say great job. While there are a couple minor things to point out, the vast majority of corrections needed concern missing punctuation. The brackets [ ], point out where punctuation is missing, and the curly brackets { }, show where something should be omitted. Parentheses ( ), are used to show when I've capitalized a letter or replaced punctuation, or replaced a word.

The first two things I want to point out are the description for the story and the inconsistent spacing. You alternate between having spaces between paragraphs and not having those spaces. Stick to using the spacing.

"A horror story about a kidnapping. {Warning slightly discriptive.}"
Don't minimize the importance of your story. While small is meant to refer to the length of your story, it makes your horror story sound unimportant. Do not apologize for your description or refer to it as slightly. You do a good job with it, so warning about it being slight does not do your work justice.

One thing I would like to point out, is your use of adverbs throughout the story. Most writers have a tendency to overuse them, and do so in a way that does not add to the description. I only found two instances, which I will point out later, that I felt should be omitted.

"As I slowly awoke, the first thing I noticed was absolute darkness, followed by fear[.]"
The italicized thoughts following this have a lot more impact when the two sentences are separated.

"‘Stop[,]’ I told myself forcefully, ‘stop and try to figure this out.’ "

"Before I had time to process this, my head whipped around at the sound of a footstep in the leaves,"
Since a definition of 'footstep' is 'The sound of a foot stepping,' you're technically writing, 'at the sound of the sound of a foot stepping in the leaves.' I would suggest writing, 'at the sound of crunching leaves'. In addition to removing the awkward sound of the sound, the sound is now given a stronger description. If you prefer writing 'footstep', you could write, 'my head whipped around at footsteps crunching in the leaves.' Either version should end the sentence.

"When I once again regained consciousness, I was in immense pain[,] and chained to a wall."
If she was in immense pain and sorrow, there would be no need for a comma.

"I cho{c}ked back a scream and tried desperately to get closer to the wall in a vain attempt to avoid being seen, {but the man kept coming in my direction.}"
Because his approach is again described in the following sentence, there's no need to write it here.

"As he approached me I saw his face; he had dark hair and darker eyes, his skin was pale, his jaw square and his nose {slightly } crooked. I relaxed {slightly } as I noticed his look was one of concern. “Are you alright?” he asks “Are you hurt?” The earlier struggling and screaming had drained my energy all I could do was nod."
Crooked is crooked, adding 'slightly' detracts from the image. Use adverbs only if it does more than slightly modify an image or description.

“That must not be comfortable[,]” he remarks as he grabs a key off a nearby shelf which I had failed to notice {during my struggle}."
The omitted section makes the sentence a bit too wordy. Furthermore, she could have noticed the key at any time after her struggle, so there is no reason to specify.

"I shake my head no[.]" "“Ok[,]” he nods." "“You must be tired[,]” he says."

"I am so exhausted I can barely pay attention to him and my vision is blurring, I can’t even muster the energy to nod."
--With my vision blurring I can't even muster the energy to nod. I'm so exhausted I can barely understand what he's saying.--
I suggest this revision to more closely relate the exhaustion, blurry vision and lack of nodding energy. He's not saying enough for her to barely pay attention, so I felt you'd get more out of this thought by conveying she could barely understand him.

"We arrive in front of a bed[.] ‘(H)ow did that get there[?]’ I briefly wonder, but I am beyond caring at this point. I lie down on the soft mattresses[.]"

“Get some rest[,]” the mystery man whispers. I hear the door gently shut, and then I am gone."

"He has both my arms in his vice like grip and he is shaking me viciously."
--He has both my arms in a vice-like grip and he is shaking me viciously.--

"I try to focus my vision as his face swims into sight(.) I involuntarily gasp in horror- it is the same man who helped me to the bed earlier. I stutter in shock and terror [and] I manage to get out a strangled[,] “Who are you?”

--My eyes open wide in panic and I jolt up to a sitting position panting and covered in sweat. I get my bearings and realize I am [safe] in my own bed{, safe}. I relax and try to calm my erratic heartbeat and breathing. The first time, the cops had burst in, freed me, and taken my crazy captor to jail. I am now almost healed, physically at least. I've been having the same nightmare ever since. Because the nightmare usually continues until I feel the cold metal blade against my throat, I look around to see what awoke me. As I survey the room I notice something in the corner[.] ‘(I)t’s just my dog[,]’ I think and (lie) back down.--
I made a lot of changes to the last paragraph before the final line. Here's why:
Having the police rescue described after the dream sequence, as the later half of the sentence, makes it seem out of place. By moving it before that it accomplishes a few things. It describes the final event leading up to the nightmare, and segues better. The part about being 'almost healed, physically at least,' works perfectly as a lead in to her still having nightmares. Properly ordered, this is much better stated.

"The voice slithers from the corner and admonishes[,] “Silly Girl, I told you I would come for you.”

This is good work. I've always been a fan of a well done twist ending, so definite points there. I cannot stress more the importance of self-editing. Remember to focus on proper punctuation and making certain you're using your adverbs correctly in all instances. Also look up the rules for lay vs lie. Lie and lying are used when talking about a person or an animal. Lay and laying are used when referring to an object. The only time lay is used for a person, is when being used as the past tense of lie.

Keep Writing,
Lightbringer
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Review of Godless  
Review by Lightbringer
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hey Sorcha, Godless is well written. There is great description here. The reader is given a strong sense of the rock god and his crowd. Most of the mistakes I've pointed out are either missing punctuation, missing words, or misspelled words. I use brackets [ ], to indicate where something is missing, and curly brackets { }, to indicate when something should be removed.

“It soared into the starless night sky[,] and sank into the earth, shaking the ground with its strength.”
I really like your use of alliteration. Wonderful Imagery.

“It was the driving force that enticed thousands of bodies into movement and voices break into song.”
This is awkwardly phrased. I'm not certain what you're trying to say here. Do you mean:
--It was the driving force that enticed thousands of bodies into movement and voices that break into song.--

'thounderous' - correct spelling: thunderous. 'strobbing' - correct spelling: strobing.

"He stood in shadow on the edge of the stage, a dark figure briefly illuminated[,] only to be hidden again by teasing laser lights."

"The focus of thousands {of pairs} of eyes hit like a physical blow."
Nicely described. My issue with the original was that, 'of thousands of pairs of eyes', sounds incredibly awkward.

"There wasn't anything on this earth that could compare, nothing would ever come close[,] to the magnificance of this moment."

"The crowd went wild, the guitars exploded into a complex rhythm[,] and the lights blasted to reveal the stage to the eager masses."
I add a comma before 'and' in this sentence, and others like it, because of the interrupter. An interrupter is a word, phrase, or clause that significantly breaks the flow of a sentence.

"His heart went berserk, [like] a crazed bird trapped inside the cage that was his ribs, threatening to burst through {the wall of} his chest."

"They worshipped him. Paid tribute to see him, to bask in his voice and body."
--They worshiped him and paid tribute to see him, to bask in his voice and body.--
The second sentence reads as a fragment sentence until it is combined with the previous sentence.

"Fans travelled from all over the world to be at his altar that was the stage."
--Fans traveled from all over the world to be at the stage that was his altar.

[They] "sang his verses and cried out his name."

"Their chanting like prayers, empowering him and allowing their god to answer with his voice."
--Their chant-like prayers empowered him, allowing their god to answer with his voice.--
The original is awkwardly phrased.

"The lights went out, faces and limbs disappearing in the darkness."
--As the lights went out, faces and limbs disappeared in the darkness.--

"Sweat coated his pale skin, blood oozed from the paths his fingernails took on his torso."
--Sweat coated his pale skin. Blood oozed as he raked his fingernails along his torso.--
'Raked' gives a much stronger image than 'paths'.

"It transformed into a shadowed monster lurking in the night."
'Into', when used as one word is a literal or figurative entrance. Because the crowd is becoming like a monster, and they are not entering the monster, the correct usage is 'in to.'

"He was not a man of thought or action, but a puppet on a string."
Love the visual here. :)

"A thin string that threatend to snap at any moment by the roaring beast, and he would collapse before it and be devoured.
--He was a thin string, that could snap at any moment, by the threat of the roaring beast. If he collapsed, it would devour him.--
The original phrasing is awkward.

"The lights brightened, the beast disappeared[,] and in its place stood thousands."

"Faces emerged, drenched in sweat and eyes wide with excitement."
"Faces emerged, drenched in sweat[,] and wide eyed with excitement."

"The roar dissolved into individual voices, cries of his name[,] and pleas for more."
The roar is becoming voices. As it is not literally or figuratively entering the voices, you would write 'in to'.

"He stood before them. No longer a god, but a dirty, used husk."
--He stood before them, no longer a god, but a dirty used husk."
Nice visual, but phrased poorly.

"He leaned onto a wall for support,"
"Onto" is only one word if up can be added before it.

"A heavy hand touched his shoulder[,] and he flinched away."

"The ball of nausea became insistint, forcing a gag from his parched lips."
--The ball of nausea came instantly, forcing a gag from his parched lips.--

"His vocal chords felt raw and throbbed with pain, his skin felt cold and clammy[,] but heat still broiled his insides."

"He leaned away from the toilet, rested his back against the stall[,] and allowed his head to hang between his knees."

"The drummer's exotic eyes were framed in black eyeliner, black hair glist[e]ned in the florescent light and clung to the sweat on his forehead.

"Ren leaned against the stall door in elegeant non chalance, "You going to live?" he asked. He nodded in answer."
--Ren leaned against the stall door in elegeant non chalance, "You going to live?" he asked. Alex nodded in answer."
While I understand the first he is Ren, and the second he is Alex, this is still phrased incorrectly. It is not obvious from the context who the second he is. Additionally, the correct spelling of 'non chalance' is nonchalance.

"I won't be su[r]prised if one of these days you give yourself a heart attack on stage."

"Alex hung his head, reached for the stall door with one hand to close it once again. This time locking it."
--Alex hung his head, and reached for the stall door with one hand to close it. This time he locked it.--
Conciseness of language is very important in writing. The second sentence says 'This time locking it," so there's no reason to say, 'once again," in the previous sentence.

"He rested his arms on his knees, head on his hands[,] and had his first thought in a long while.

Overall, this is a pretty solid story. The real issues are spelling and punctuation mistakes. I cannot stress enough the importance of self-editing. If you are not 100% sure of spelling, the web is great for checking for mistakes. Try to familiarize yourself with the concept of interrupters. While interrupters are not the only reasons you would use a comma before 'and' or 'but', if you focus on this rule, you'll have significantly less grammatical errors. If you have any questions about my review, I'd be happy to answer them.

Keep writing,
Lightbringer
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Review of Bus Stop  
Review by Lightbringer
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi mjdasilva, I enjoyed reading this story. BUS STOP is well written. Both plot and description are very good. That being said, there are a number of technical issues. I denote instances of missing punctuation or words by using brackets [ ].

--It was dark and raining.--
The change of starting to rain to raining, especially in a story this short, is important in making the action occur quickly.

“I slowly walked up to the door as it creaked open.”
Most writers have a tendency to use adverbs that weaken, as opposed to strengthening their sentences. The trick is knowing when using one adds to the meaning. This is an example of a correctly used adverb. :)

"I shouted to see if anyone was home [and] I received no response."

"I grabbed a candle and slowly crept into the living room."
Because slowly is already part of the definition for crept, you're basically saying 'I slowly very slowly moved at a steady pace.' In this instance, the adverb doesn't add that much to the sentence.

"As I walked in[,] the candle went out and I heard someone walking."

"All of the sudden, the door swung open and slammed shut, {everything went back to “normal”.}"
The part in the squiggly brackets does not contribute to the story. I suggest removing it to improve the flow of the story.

"The candle seemed to glow brighter as I sat down and franticly looked around the room."
Misspelled 'frantically'.

"I came to a conclusion, the wind opened the door. "
What conclusion?

"Suddenly, a stroke of lighting revealed a shadow standing outside the window."
Great use of imagery. The adverb is used correctly at the start of this sentence.

"“Who’s here[,]” shouted the shadow as I scampered like a scared dog to my hiding spot."
'shouted the shadow as I scampered" is a great use of alliteration.

"The shadow turned out to be a man. He was pale and he had what seemed like perfect features."
--The shadow turned out to be a pale man with seemingly perfect features.--
If no meaning will be lost by doing so, always make sure to write your descriptions as concisely as possible.

"He slowly floated" Good. Correctly used adverb.

"He looked both ways and sat down he seemed distracted so I relaxed."
--He seemed distracted as he looked around.--
The original sentence is awkwardly phrased. With all that's going on around her, the character should not be relaxed. If anything, the pale man looking around should distress her further, as it implies he senses there's someone or something else there.

Then he says “I know you’re in here” and he quickly whips his head at me and me and says “it’s not nice to walk in uninvited but you seem like a nice girl”.
-- “I know you’re in here” he said, quickly whipping his head at me. “It’s not nice to walk in uninvited but you seem like a nice girl”. --
Conciseness of language. Make the actions happen as fast as possible without losing description.

"Then it hit me, how could someone have power in this rain? “How do you have power” I quickly asked."
--Then it hit me. “How do you have power[,]” I quickly asked.--
It is unnecessary to state her thought when she speaks that same thought immediately. Not only does this get rid of unnecessary repetition, it also sets a better pace.

“I have a generator[,]” he responded." “Can I get you something[,]” he asked in a confident voice." “No[,]” I quickly responded.

"I quickly headed for the door as I opened it he was standing on the outside."
--I ran for the door. I pulled it open and stood face to face with the pale man.--
The suggestion here does a few things. The sentence is longer awkwardly phrased. By making a change from 'quickly headed' to 'ran', it adds more immediacy to the thought. What this also does is give you a change to reference back to the description of the pale man and make the encounter that much more eerie.

“Now you don’t want to leave early[,]” he said.

"I slammed the door and turned around to run as I let out a shriek seeing him leaning against the staircase."
--Slamming the door, I turned around. I shrieked as I saw him leaning against the staircase.--
You want to add immediacy.

"I tried backing up but I was already by the door. I ran to what seemed like a kitchen."
--I backed in to the door and ran into the kitchen.--
Immediacy and conciseness of language.

"I found a door and didn’t see anyone so I ran outside the last I remember was falling and the feeling of being bitten came upon my neck."
--Not seeing him at the back entrance, I ran outside. The last thing I remember was falling and the feeling of being bitten on my neck.--
Minor change here, but I feel the description comes across stronger this way.

You have some great examples of adverb use, alliteration and imagery throughout. The story in of itself is a good one, but is weakened by the occasional weak or awkward sentence, and missing punctuation. I can not stress enough the importance of self-editing. After you finish a story, you need to go through it again looking first for obvious mistakes, then not so obvious mistakes. Once you've done that, look again for ways to write more concisely and clearly. This is good work, but it needs improvement. If you have any questions about my review, let me know and I'll be happy to answer them for you.

Keep writing,
Lightbringer
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Review of The Silent Dancer  
Review by Lightbringer
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey Lilian, love your imagery. While this is a well written piece with little to criticize, the single sentence paragraphs make the rest of the story come across as choppy. As they are closely related to the sentences that follow, they should be merged with those paragraphs.

Though it's obvious the furniture was not stolen by rotting, that's how the original sentence reads. 'Stolen by thieves or rotting.'
--Most of the furniture is gone now, broken, rotting away or stolen by petty thieves.--

--The marble floors gleam with reflections from beautiful silver and glass chandeliers hanging from the ceiling.--
I suggest using something like this to show the relationship between the marble floors and chandeliers.

While what you had written may not technically be a run-on sentence, it's a bit lengthy.
--You can see the dukes and counts and heiresses dancing in their magnificent garb and masks, laughing. The servants, dressed in their finest clothes, serve little deserts and drinks to those of a higher rank.--

I felt the description given was a bit awkward, and that "And maybe she had been", didn't add anything to the description."
--She is beautiful, yet mournful. Like the house, she too has been left alone to slowly vanish, out of sight, out of mind.--

"She is singing, silently." Great use of alliteration. :) No change necessary.

--She fills up the whole house with the empty words of someone who has seen more then you can imagine.--
Combining the two sentences to make the imagery more powerful.

"Suddenly she stops" Once again, great use of alliteration.

"Her seemingly bottomless eyes, full of secrets, seem to bury themselves into your very being."
I would suggest removing either seemingly or seem, if not both, as it weakens the sentence.

--Unable to leave the ruins of this house, she dances here waiting.--
--She is still waiting for someone to take her away from this ruin…--
The changes here are important ones. It shows that she is still waiting.

Overall, I thought this was very good work. The imagery, and the accompanying alliteration when used, brought your story to life.
What needs the most work is knowing when to show a closer relationship between two separate thoughts or sentences. Keep up the good work and always remember the importance of self-editing.

Keep writing,
Lightbringer
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Review of Knock Knock  
Review by Lightbringer
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Angus, I'm glad I chose this story as my first review of your writing. You have a unique approach. Knock Knock reads as face paced and chaotic. I love how your writing style comes across as if you're having a conversation with the reader. Even after seeing your name written in the story, realizing you were using this story as an informal introduction to your writing portfolio was an unexpected twist. Good work.

Keep writing,
Lightbringer
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Review of Bastet  
Review by Lightbringer
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Hermina, I really enjoyed reading your story. Bastet had a rhythm to it I don't typically see in writing. A lot of the suggestions I have are nitpicking as there's not a lot of room for improvement. Here are the issues I noticed:

"The boy tried to turn his head and search for any signs of his village, but he could not. An imprisoning force held his head, rendering him immobile but for his steps." The later half of both sentences detract from their meaning. This is my suggestion:
'The boy tried to turn his head and search for any signs of his village, but an imprisoning force held his head immobile.'

"Panic rose. His heart exploded in his chest, fear rolled into a hard stone settling in his belly."
These are impact sentences; the comma weakens the impact. End the second sentence with "chest" and begin a new one with "Fear".

"His knees sunk into the sand, the strength to walk into the earthen wall was not his own." Both parts of these sentences can stand alone. Because of the relationship between the two, a semicolon would work better than a comma or a period.

"The stars shed no light on the scene below, only the moon's cold glow illuminated the waves of earth. It's aurora strengthening with the night's passing." Is the aurora from the stars, the moon, or the waves of the earth? It needs to be clearer what the aurora belongs to.

"The wind shied away, cold fingers slipping from the boy's flesh dropping its grains of sand."
Confusing Modifier. When you say it's grains of sand, do you mean the wind or the boy's fingers?

"A silhouette appeared in stark contrast against the moon. A wildly dancing figure, a woman, with a lute in her hands."
While it can be argued the second sentence is good as it stands, to me it reads as an incomplete sentence.

"The boy watched, entranced. The sinister presence that brought him into the desert forgotten."
On the one hand I want to say these two sentences should be linked more closely, but this may be an exception to the rule where you should leave it as is.

"He ran, arms outreached and his laughter joining the cheerful song, toward the dancing woman."
Similar to the previous comment. I'm not sure if this is better served being left as is, or by being edited.

I thought Bastet was very well written, but it needs some editing if you want it to be presented in the best possible way. If you have any questions on my review I'd be happy to answer. Keep writing, looking forward to seeing more of your work.
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Review by Lightbringer
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Lilian, I loved the title of your story; it caught my attention right away. Your imagery has a musical flow to it. Unfortunately, the flow is broken by minor technical errors and the occasional awkward sentence.

A general rule of writing is to vary how sentences begin. "She's silently crying. Trying to let go of the pain that has been casting her down for far too long." Rephrasing these two sentences would improve the flow of the paragraph and minimize the use of "She". Here's my suggestion: 'Silently crying, she tries to let go of the pain. It has been casting her down far too long.'

"The girl walks deeper and deeper into the woods until she wouldn't be able to find her way out, even if she tried."
Even if she tried comes across as an afterthought. Maybe try: 'The girl walks deeper and deeper into the woods. Even if she tried, she couldn't find her way out.'

"The music is horrible and beautiful and sad and laughter and tears and life and death all at the same time."
This could be a great description, but because of the awkward phrasing, all I see is and and and.
'The music is horrible and beautiful and sad, filled with laughter, tears, life and death all at once.'
Probably not the greatest suggestion, but it does clean up the sentence a bit.

"Her lair, where she forgets about it all." Is there a better way to phrase this? The sentence sounds incomplete.

This is a very visually stunning story. Once you make the corrections needed, It'll be significantly better. Keep on writing. If you have any questions about my review I'd be happy to answer them for you.

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Review of Vampires & Vermin  
Review by Lightbringer
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi Brooklyn Brutality, what you've written here is fast paced and highly descriptive. The type of short story you're aiming for is by its length considered flash fiction. I don't see flash fiction though. What I do see is a brief description of what vampires are and that it is necessary for those who encounter them to rise above them by being true to themselves. There are no character, events or interactions taking place. Where's the story?

If you have any questions about my review I'd be happy to answer them for you.
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Review of Absolute Zero  
Review by Lightbringer
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Psychodelique, I'm including the concluding part of your story from your portfolio in my review. I enjoyed reading Absolute Zero. The pace is well set, the characters have distinct personalities and you have a pretty solid grasp on description and story progression. You have the potential to be a good storyteller.

Points of criticism: Your misplaced punctuation looked to me to be from writing a little too quickly and not double checking your work, as opposed to legitimate mistakes. Awkward and/or fragmented sentences, while far from overwhelming, occurred enough that I felt it worth mentioning. You also have unnecessary words in some of your sentences which detract from their meaning.

One example I noticed:
"Surrounded on three sides by the horizon. It was very cold, and the men did not bother watching the two black helicopters disappear into the horizon as though they’d been sucked in." You need to either rephrase this or remove "as though they'd been sucked in" from the sentence. While it's clear you're indicating a horizon that's either so dark or foggy that it appears to suck in the copters, it sounds awkward the way you've phrased it.

"Ronald cleared his throat. " You have this at the end of one of your paragraphs when it should be the start of the following paragraph.

As I said your story is well written and I enjoyed reading it. It does however need a little polish. I didn't bother noting every little thing as you seem to be a solid enough writer, so going that much into detail would be a waste of time. If you have any questions or comments about my review, I'd be happy to answer them for you. Keep on writing. Looking forward to reading your next story.

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Review of AWAKE  
Review by Lightbringer
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Mendoz, your story has potential, but it's lacking in a few respects. There are parts of your story that give the impression that English is your second language. You come across as someone who learned the language and understands it pretty well, but hasn't necessarily had the opportunity to work out the kinks through conversation.

These are a few specifics I noticed:

"I feel like someone run me over with the car" should be "I feel like someone ran me over with a car" or better still "I feel like I've been hit by a truck"

"but what warranty do we have" should be "but what guarantee do we have"

"We saw the checking points" should be "we saw the checkpoint"

"how on earth he got here?" should be "how on earth did he get here?"

Additionally I felt like the story was lacking in substance. You had this futuristic Utopian scenario which started off sounding like a really cool idea for a story. You have the couple running away from a government agency but the details just aren't there. An air of mystery can be a great thing for a story, but ceases to be mysterious when it's more a lack of detail than a well thought out story with secrets to be revealed. I think your story is potentially a very good story, but it needs more substance and better conversational English.
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Review by Lightbringer
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi Cody. First off, you use laugh/laughing/laughed too much in the story. Your first two sentences don't make sense in the context of your story. You have two people alone in what appears to be a bombed out area out in the middle of nowhere. Why would the narrator have to ask if he's being laughed at? Instead of his question being "Are you laughing at me," it should be "why are you laughing at me."

I also don't get why you feel the need to specify the caliber and color of your guns. With a story with minimalist details, it seems an odd thing to focus on. You'd be better off just saying guns. Additionally, with all the back and forth arguing, It would be helpful for readers, if you spaced out dialog so it's easier to follow. In addition to this review, I am emailing you a partially edited version of your story. I don't expect you to accept every change, but I think it would be helpful for you. Look it over and let me know if you find either the suggestions placed here or the edited version helpful.
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Review of Paul  
Review by Lightbringer
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Karaoke writer, I enjoyed reading your story. Paul came across as a likable character despite the doubts and frustrations consuming him. The pace was well set and the twist ending took what could have been a decent story and turned it into a very well written one.

On that note, here is my critique:
The writing could use a little polish. The first paragraph while powerful is a bit awkward. Just a suggestion, take how ever many changes you think improve your 2nd paragraph and ignore the rest:

"Paul sat at the kitchen table contemplating the composition of gun oil and whether or not it was toxic. He sat with half a bottle of Wild Turkey in front of him and a Smith and Wesson .357 in his mouth. All he could think about was whether the gun oil was toxic and that the front sight was digging into the roof of his mouth. Here it was, the middle of the afternoon on a Wednesday, his wife at work and the kids at school. How did things get to this point he wondered. It was hard to think of himself as a provider when more often than not he had to explain there were no seconds at dinner. Sometimes he went without just so he could keep their bellies full. He was already behind on the rent for this piece of s*** trailer. How was he going to look his wife in the eye? How was he supposed to explain to his family that he was out of work; that he didn't have a job to go to anymore?"

Other areas to note: Awhile back I read On Writing by Stephen King, one suggestion he gives for writers is to avoid over use of adverbs. -ly tends to weaken the drive of a sentence, so use it sparingly. Paul was filled suddenly with a sense of peace, reads better as Paul was filled with a sense of peace. In both sentences, it's clear the sense of peace is a sudden occurrence, so there's no reason to add the extra word. Adverbs like that should only be used when needed to give more meaning to a sentence. Example: He walked away angrily. The sense of anger is added to the motion of walking, which is otherwise not conveyed, whereas, he slammed the door angrily, is better written as: he slammed the door. The slamming already implies anger, so it isn't necessary to to add the word angrily.

The are a couple other typos, but nothing too major. Again, I thought your story was very well written, but it needs a bit of polishing. With more concise language I'd rate your story as a 4 and wouldn't be surprised to see other rating of 4.5 or 5 given for "Paul". If you have any questions about my critique, I'd be happy to answer them . If your other stories are as good as this one, I'd welcome the opportunity of reading those as well. Keep on writing!
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