Hello Tani,
Thanks for visiting my review forum!
I haven't sent you the entire review right now, since this is a little long, and I have considered it practically sentence by sentence. I think your writing is very good. The story also seems interesting, a good, ominous start. What I have done to review, is written my initial thought for correction as I read. Following that is your original statement, then my idea for revision. Each, of course, is just a personal opinion, and shouldn't be taken to heart if you disagree. Also, don't feel discouraged that there are a lot of corrections here. Most are very minor things, like commas, synonyms, and my ideas on improving the progression of an idea. Really, there were no major problems with any individual idea.
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Combine-
The heat of the day sank away and shriveled into chill of night for those who dared to go abroad. A sickening dampness settled in the air as darkness arose like coming of war.
The heat of the day sank away and shriveled into a sickening dampness-.
Restate-
She bowed her head once more and realizing that her actions had accomplished nothing.
She bowed her head once more, realizing that her actions had accomplished nothing.
Delete "Here"-
She had been crouching here on her throne all day.
She had been crouching on her throne all day.
Insert Comma-
She raised her head and gazed at the high arched ceiling, popping her neck to relieve built up tension.
She raised her head and gazed at the high, arched ceiling...
Revise Paragraph, suggested-
Staring upward at the high, arched ceiling, she popped her neck to relieve the hours of tension. The room was devoid of light, and she could barely make out the archwork as she wondered about her fate. Around her the cold stone walls contrasted the metal plated floor, forming a union of two eras which told a tale of depression. The woman's soul sang with a bitter, malicious harmony. It rang forth from her, resounding throughout the walls and to the battlements.
Shorten-
Kyra leapt from her throne of cast-iron and black velvet, her cape billowing behind her. The night came on gradually, sneaking in like a cobra poised to attack, as she walked to the center of the throne room.
-
Kyra leapt from her throne and (needs a stronger word than "walked"), her cape billowing behind her. She stopped in the middle of the room and closed her emerald eyes against the darkness encroaching on her.
Sounds Rushed, slow the pace here-
Pulling her pitch black hair from her face as the menacing moment passed, she opened her eyes and slowly proceeded to move around the throne room wondering why she felt so defeated
As the menacing moment passed, she pulled her black hair from her face and opened here eyes. She paced the room, wondering why she felt defeated.
This change is too sudden-
She stumbled and leaned against a pillar stopping only for a moment to catch her breath. Her breath came out in ragged gasps. She struggled to think about what to do and where she was going.
-Why is she stumbling? There needs to be a cause here, preferably not a sudden increase in darkness. This is a strong reaction, she needs an outside influence or we need to be told right before this point that a sudden emotion has arisen, causing her to swoon.
Stronger word needed-
She moved down into the hall in a drunken sort of daze brought on only by tears and deep misery.
She stumbled down int the hall...
Delete Statement-
It was bright here.
Seemingly sudden change again-
A wail escaped her porcelain colored throat as she struggled to stay conscious.
Before she simply seems very tired, now she's fighting a faint.
Condense-
The room was like ice, but she sweated as if she was in the heat of the jungle. She was soaked through.
The room was like ice, but she was soaked through with sweat.
Is this the same person being discussed here? If not, maybe seperate with a pagebreak. Also, a comma should be added after 'palace'-
She wandered around the palace taking in her surroundings and thinking, her footsteps echoing on the cold metallic floor.
-Otherwise, I like this statement. It has good flair.
Condense, use a synonym for 'palace' here-
Her palace was death. It held a macabre allure that was beyond mortal comprehension.
Her palace (fortress, castle), like death, held a macabre allure beyond mortal comprehension.
Pronoun for sleep here-
A single thought floated past her mind before sleep and memories overcame her.
...before it and its memories overcame her.
Restate-
There are times in life that we all go through difficult experiences that shape who we become.
We all go through difficult times in life that/which shape who we become.
Rushed, slow pace-
These experiences become ingrained in our subconscious minds and cause us to grow stronger and wiser or force us into foolishness and weakness.
These experiences become ingrained in our subconscious minds. They cause us to grow stronger and wiser, or force us into foolishness and weakness.
This is a good statement, but needs a synonym for "experience," or take the previous "experience" out. Also, perhaps a slight revision-
From these experiences, we learn to love life or to hate it.
From these experiences (occurances, happenings, events), we learn either to love life or to hate it.
So far, your work seems very good. Your writing is very descriptive, and rather flowery, but all the literary classics are that way and they are doing well enough now. It does, however, slow the progression of the story. I can understand the problem, trying to build a strong setting and mood while advancing the plot. My suggestion is to take a red pen to this, cross out words that repeat the same idea, or are very similar adjectives. Also, watch out for showing the same idea too many times. There was a lot in here about it getting darker. The darkness obviously is an important symbol, but mentioning it originally, then reiterating it again later is probably often enough.
Keep up the great work here,
-Lanen
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