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57 Total Reviews Given
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1
1
Rated: E | (3.0)
I happened upon your piece immediately when I went looking for non-fiction pieces with the keyword "ghost." I live near Bachelor's and have been there many times by day, so was immediately interested to read your article.

I think your subject matter was interesting, and told a nice story.

Your writing is overall very clear, and I think you creatively and accurately describe what you see and feel inside the cemetery. It would probably help to raise the ratings on your piece, though, if you go back and carefully grammar check this. Some things I found would actually be picked up by a basic spell check if you copied this into Word and went through it like that. (For instance, "As we finally reached our Vehicles, he said..." Word would probably catch that you capitalized "Vehicles" when it should be lower cased.)

I did also notice a couple places where you used "where" instead of "were."

Also, when you describe the location of Bachelor's, you forgot a comma between Chicago and Illinois, but everyone knows where Chicago is, so you don't even need to put the state in there if you don't want to.

Also, during the part where you are speaking to the cop, you might want to start a new line for each separate bit of dialog, and every time new dialog is started, it should begin with a capital.

Aside from grammar, though, I think this is a very nice piece. I liked the bit of intro you put at the beginning, to make the reader aware of what Bachelor's Grove is, and help show your expertise. Keep working with this, and it will be a great item!
2
2
Review of Young at Heart  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the corrections you have made on this so far. Reading through, I noticed other little details that add character to your piece. I thought it was cute how they refer to their concerns about not being "burdens on their kids" while they're supporting themselves through armed robbery. It's such an interesting take on elderly people being self-sufficient.

I was impressed also that you found a way to even help the reader understand that they are robbing a bank and not a gas station or something else by using the word "withdrawl" that helps us figure it out.

Only things I noticed on this last read through is that there is an inconsistent use of caps with the nick-names "meat pie" doesn't get caps, but "Sugar Cube" does. Later, there is ""He needs some motivating, honey."
"You're the boss, Dumpling"

I'm not posiitive, but I believe that because pet names are substitues for real names, they do get capitalized all the time.

Again, very good piece, and best of luck with your work on it.
3
3
Review of Young at Heart  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I've never tried to write a that's entirely dialogue before, I can only imagine that it creates some interesting challenges. I think that you do a good job in portraying what happens through speaking only, and you find some creative ways to make the reader understand what this couple is doing at any given time. I also liked the banter at the opening of this story, I thought it was cute and realistic.

There were some other places where I thought that the speach was not as realistic, and I thought this had a lot of weight since your story is reliant entirely on that. One example of this was "It closes at six sharp on Fridays. If we are late, we will have to come back another time." I don't know that I ever hear someone speak using "we are" and "we will." Maybe someone with exceptional grammer would use those words without the contraction, or for emphasis, but twice in the sentence it just sounded stiff.

What also caught me was the repitition of the pet name. I can understand him referring to her as a pet name, and I like the affectionate, good-natured feeling it creates. It was something else I noticed, though, that didn't sound completely natural when it came to the point that Wilbur is using pet names in every other sentence.
4
4
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a cute story. I can't imagine how I would have possibly come up with any sort of story about numbers. My only suggestion is that, if you ever wanted to go back in and work on this again, you might add a little bit more plot in terms or what your equation experiences before he meets e=mc^2.

I think that would be kinda fun, if some equations along the way are mean or mislead him, maybe he briefly gets caught up with an irrational number.

Anyway, this was a fun little short piece to read. It kinda reminds me of Alice in Wonderland meets my old highschool math books.
5
5
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very good idea. I'm sure once people start to discover this it will be bookmarked on favorties all over writing.com! I know I will keep this on my favorites, just in case.

Good luck!
6
6
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Dear Abominae,

This is a very interesting poem! I love your subject, and the symbolism is excellent. I really enjoyed reading it, and I think you did a great job. Your wordage was very good as well; it helped me appreciate the idea behind the piece, and get the images you were creating.

In addition, I liked some of your lines in particular. The words you chose to stand alone were sometimes especially good to have a wait of their own. I noticed this in V1L4, V3L3, and V4L4.

On the other hand, while overall I thought that your verses as a whole were very good, and put together quite well, I got the feeling that these four lines could use perhaps a little tweaking.

I reached out, but I was halted,
The shadow took me by the wrist,
It dragged me to its king, exalted.
Oh what hideousness I beheld.

"I reached out, but I was halted,"
*Bullet*I think that the second 'I' in this line is harmful to it. For one, I think it would sound better with one less syllable. Also, You use 'I' right before as well, so it creates an unnecessary repetition.

"The shadow took me by the wrist,"
*Bullet*To me, this line also runs long. I suggest removing "me by the" and simply using 'my'.

"It dragged me to its king, exalted."
*Bullet*Actually, I like this one a lot, and thought I just point out that it is a very good line. *Smile*

"Oh what hideousness I beheld."
*Bullet*There are two problems that I think occur here. One, I think the rhythm runs a little too long. Also, the reversed phrasing- using what you did instead of starting with the subject, doesn't quite sound right to me in this instance. I would suggest rephrasing it to something like "I beheld/saw such hideousness." but I think you might be looking to avoid the rhyme that would then occur. Otherwise, I might suggest just omitting 'Oh', though that still doesn't sound quite right to my ears.

One more general thing I would like to point out is what happens in the next three verses. You start here inserting punctuation between new lines, which is necessary because of the wordage and the rhythm of the poem. However, this change threw of my reading, and I had trouble following the flow. Once I got over this, I recognized that in the first verse you actually do this

"The Shadow King grasped
My hands and I felt as if aging
for many seasons at a time. Clasped,
my hands could not be freed."

it is still actually very good. "My hands could not be freed." makes a very good final line, and I like the way L3 is set apart as well. It is simply that I was not expected the change in the composition of verse that bothered me. On the other hand, in the next verse

In a flash, my conviction
Reuturned, the ebony ruler (sp for 'returned')
Let go. Overcome by the depiction
In my head, I ran blindly.

the separating of the lines does not, to me, sound as well as it did in the former. It is not used to set anything significant apart, it seems, or make the lines have a further meaning. Instead, when I read this, it sounds something like "In a flash(!) my conviction (pause pause pause) returned." The pauses that I insert when a new line comes only breaks up your full idea.

I love your last two verses. Some of the lines in there, I think, are just excellent. I like how you use the phrase "celestial glows." It creates great imagery and an idea of a holy light. Plus, the line following it "I was found again." is beautiful in its simplicity, and works very well with the one before it. Also, your last two lines are wonderful. The idea of laughter being a foreign act, and that being the sign that lets the subject know that they have returned from the darkness, is very fine. Those lines were a perfect close to your poem.

Overall, great job! Good luck in the contest.

-Lanen


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7
7
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Dear Marshall,
As always, thanks for stopping by "Invalid Item" .

I am sorry, and quite disappointed that it has been this long for me to get you more reviews. I've kept the forum closed so I won't be caught up in any more requests, but it still has been embarrassingly slow to get these out. I feel especially bad about yours since you have seemed very active in working on this piece, and I just plain think highly of your work. Well, I guess I shouldn't detain you even further from a review. *Blush*

Again, possibly the most outstanding (there's a word you don't see much in my reviews) part of this story is the marvelous language you use from Jack's point of view. A lot of times, I tell authors that I'm not feeling in touch with their character, that they can use movement, thought, and dialogue to portray personality. I wish I could find them a way to get their development up to standards like your Jack. I just can't get enough of how good your first person is. Not only is it the best I've seen on writing.com, but it easily rivals published work.

Your dialogue is wonderful. It's terrifically realistic, and works so well coming from Jack and the other characters as well. Doc Mac's lines sound just right coming from him. He reminds me of a cross between the religious warden in "Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption" and Nurse Rachet in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." You probably know those characters, but if not just trust me that it's a fine mix. He's so creepily calm and in control... I can't stand it! Haha, that's not a bad thing. It makes me interested in what's going to happen to him. I want to see the cockroach mentality spread across the madhouse and watch that man fall. *Laugh*

Your plot is strong, interesting, and entertaining. I don't have any problems with keeping my attention on the work. Quite the opposite, I had to reread several areas because I was engrossed in the plot and hadn't really looked at any grammar. It's a good plot well carried forward by your characters and writing.

One thing I do notice is the layout. I hope I didn't suggest this in my last review- I don't remember now. But especially for something this long, I recommend putting a blank line between each paragraph, indenting between each using {indent}, or both.

One bit I didn't understand was in Chapter 11. Near the end of the chapter, you have Jack asking "'Going Home?' I ask Dr. Macabee in the hope.'" I'm not sure I follow the "in the hope" part. It reads like there should be something more stuck on the end, like "in the hope that he is."

I'm definitely having problems finding anything more to really tell you to correct. I've read it over, looking for more, but I just can't milk this piece for errors. Anything I did find now would just be an obscure, stupid suggestion. I feel bad that I can't offer more for this story, but it simply is already done so very well. I did find some specific problems, but not at all a lot for this size of an item, nor were they very serious at all.

*Right*Specifics
Standard Disclaimer: These are all just my suggestions for correcting. It is your work, and entirely up to you what you do and do not change.

After were dismissed, I break off from my group and hurry back to my room.
*Bullet*'were' should be 'we're'
=================================

Barely attached to the brick is rickety fire-escape.
Barely attached to the brick is a rickety fire-escape.
==================================

“Dinner will be served at 5 o’ clock.”
*Bullet*I actually had to look this one up in one of my handy grammar handbooks to be sure, but "o' clock" should be "o'clock"
==================================

“I’ll give it a try Tom.”
*Bullet*Comma after 'try'
==================================

“We ask that you protect those who live and work here from harm: body, mind, and spirit.
*Bullet*Two spaces after colons
====================================

Around 7 o’ clock-ish a nurse’s voice crackles over the hidden intercom again to inform us that Level One small groups will begin in five minutes.
*Bullet*The space in "o'clock" here
=====================================

Him, two other guests in orange, and me wait outside the locked door, hanging our heads like prisoners of war awaiting trial in enemy territory.
*Bullet*Did you mean for a bit of the grammar to be wrong in this sentence? I kind of like the way it sounds anyway, but technically it should be "He, two other guests in orange, and I"
======================================

“Let’s go Darren.
*Bullet*Comma after 'go'
======================================

“I do Dr. Mac,” Jordan says.
*Bullet*Comma after 'do'
======================================

You said your piece, everybody heard you.
*Bullet*Do you mean 'piece' or 'peace'? I can understand either here. I only mention it since I always figured the phrase was "speak your peace." Maybe I have that phrase spelled wrong.... Oh well, it's a bad saying either way. *Laugh*
======================================

My senses of hearing and sight switch off like lights in a house until all I have left is awareness and darkness pure and endless and haunted by ghosts who know where and who I am.
*Bullet*I'm definitely having a bit of trouble following this sentence with the 'and's. To help, I think you need a comma after 'house' and more importantly after 'darkness' and 'endless'. Then again, you might want to look at this sentence further, maybe separate it, and see what you think of the 'and's.
======================================

I realized a longtime ago that sometimes the shortest route is not a straight line
*Bullet*'longtime' should be 'long time'
=======================================

There were a lot of little specific parts that I enjoyed. Sentences here and there that were written so interestingly that I took particular note of them. It made the story so fun, it was filled with these pleasant surprises. The best, though, had to be finding frogs in this. That poem I like so much, it's made a cameo! I was ecstatic to find that, it was wonderful! Plus, it's blended so well into the story, that's absolutely my favorite segment.

Well, one last suggestion? Post more! *Wink*


-Lanen


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8
8
Review of Honeydew Romance  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Clayr,
Thank you for visiting "Invalid Item" . Again, I apologize that I could not send this review more quickly.

I think you have definitely made some great headway on this item since I saw it last. It was good to begin with, but you've have done some wonderful editing.

Grammatically, this is definitely very good. I did not see much at all, and what I did was basically just a few repeats. It looks great!

I think that the emotion in your short story is portrayed very well. It is perfectly realistic and genuine sounding. I can completely see this happening to a couple, down to the slightest detail. The whole thing is presented very genuinely. This down to earth-ness does a lot for it, and brings the reader closer to your plot and characters.

In addition, I thought that your dialogue and thoughts were skillfully done. It carried on the realism, and added to the emotion of the story. The setting did this as well. It's so pretty! Such a lovely place for it to take place. The sights and smells themselves are nice, and you write it with some lovely wordage and imagery. It overall made for an excellent ambience and mood for the plot.

Overall, I have trouble finding something to tell you to change. There were more repetitions in this version, which I noted below. Otherwise, I'm afraid I don't have any general suggestions for you. I hope you're not awfully disappointed!

*Right*Specifics
Standard Disclaimer: These are all just my suggestions for correcting. It is your work, and entirely up to you what you do and do not change.

Not just my surroundings seemed beautiful at that moment, the moment and the sheer feeling was beautiful
*Bullet*Repetition of 'moment'

instant, second
*********************************

At least I was sure my heart wouldn’t stop beating; when I was with Donovan, I could always feel it racing, and was aware of the fact that it was there and I wasn’t a heartless human being.
*Bullet*"Heartless human being" here bothers me. It sounds like some great negative quality or emotional problem that otherwise isn't touched on here. Anyway, since it's such an otherwise beautiful piece, I don't really want to be lead to think of anything so negative as being heartless.
*********************************

And even worse, I could recall Dustin Bitrey’s tongue nearly chocking me when I was thirteen.
*Bullet*"Chocking" should be "choking," "chocking" is the -ing form of "chock"
*********************************

I could sense Donovan’s feelings of uneasiness, and I rolled off him, into the tall grass.
*Bullet*'Donovan' is used right before here, so I suggest using a pronoun.
************************************

If he let go, it would feel like I was falling off the high peak of emotions I was on, plummeting into the harsh realities below.
*Bullet*You use 'let go' just before this, so I suggest changing it to 'did.'
*************************************

I dunno, Don… heat of the moment, I guess…
*Bullet*'Don' is repeated right here.
**************************************

I closed my eyes, and felt Donovan’s chest rising and falling as he drew in breath, and I wondered what he was thinking about at that very moment. I wondered...
*Bullet*"Wondered" is repeated.

considered, speculated
***************************************

Again, wonderful work! I think it is reading beautifully, and you should be proud of it.

-Lanen


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9
9
Review of Character sketch  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Petriedn,
Thank you for visiting "Invalid Item" . I'll do my best for that destructive criticism you were looking for. *Wink*

First off, I think that in general your writing is very good. Which, by the way, makes my job much harder, thankyouverymuch! If an item has outstandingly good or bad aspects, then I get to point them out, suggest corrections, and viola I've done a decent review. But noooo, you had to make it difficult! Seriously, this is your standard well-written item, one with good use of all the necessary components to tell a story of sorts.

Your sentences are clear and easy to follow, as is the construction of this in general. While not the focus of your efforts, the amount of plot included is good, and makes a nice background for your attempt at character development. The whole piece is easy to read. I noticed a question or two raised by bits of the storyline, but since that's not the point of this, it's probably not a big deal at all. One was that you mention Natacha knowing that the bankers would be upset over a changed script, but she tries to make an adjustment anyway. If she knew it wouldn't work, why try?
Like I said, probably not a matter of major importance.

It's hard to say how much of an improvement this is as far as your abilities at character description go. The only other story I saw of yours really didn't have a character based plot at all. If I did not know to specifically look for character in this story, I would not notice any deficiency or lack of skill in the area. I think paying special attention to it made a good impact on your piece.

The thought that the character development had a somewhat contrived tone did cross my mind. But it is hard to tell if I'm only thinking this because I was looking for such description. Starting the piece with a description is definitely a way to get the idea of him out there, but is probably the root of my belief that it could be contrived, as well. It doesn't drone on about him, though, and does lead into his action and the story, which is very good. I liked the physical appearance, the stooped frame, and its wording.

The character of John comes across as both disinterested and somewhat annoyed with the world around him. His constant daydreaming well portrayed the devil may care ideal he kept for the production of this commercial. I would have expected this to come through in his actions, however. The fact that mentally he seems rather frustrated with his surroundings, yet treats everyone with quiet respect, comes across to me as a conflict in character.

One way to describe a subject in a story is through action. Movements in everything we do give our personalities away. The stooped figure works in this sense, but otherwise I don't see any examples of it. You mention that he moves around so that he can get a scene from Natacha's point of view. How does he go about this? Impatiently? With demonstrated calm? Does he pick up his own director's chair and rearrange it, or expect someone else to?

Another thing that I noticed was lack of action in certain areas devoted to John. When he is thinking to himself you use a passive voice, writing something like "He thought about how she was getting on everyone's nerves." What about changing it to something closer to the character, like "She is driving everyone absolutely mad, John thought." Seeing the exact words that John uses within his thoughts can also really help the reader to understand his personality. If he thinks with care and intelligence, he is cultured and learned. If he speaks roughly and in heavy slang, maybe he is lazy and rough around the edges.

*Right*Specifics
Standard Disclaimer: These are all just my suggestions for correcting. It is your work, and entirely up to you what you do and do not change.

As the actors went through their paces, and he kept the shot steady, he mused on his latest approach: working with the government's tourism department to have them distribute the DVD at their highway information centres and their foreign consulates.
*Bullet*No comma after "paces"
*Bullet*Two spaces follow colons
==================================

They'd scream if there was even a word out of place, and ask to have the whole thing re-shot.
*Bullet*If they are screaming, I also imagine they are too emotional and pushy to just ask. I think you should use something more forceful than 'ask' like 'demand' or 'insist'.


You've definitely got fine work with your character here. If nothing else, you have developed good application of various methods with which to describe a personality. Plus, besides this your writing is really very good!

-Lanen


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10
10
Review of Lost Life  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Dear Explorer,
Thank you for visiting "Invalid Item" 

Rhythmically, your poem/song is excellent. It flows very well.

Also, your grammar/spelling is great. I did not notice very many problems at all in that area. It's very hard to polish a piece to the extent that you have in this way. It's quite impressive!

What I did have a problem with was the emotional appeal. You did have some good work done in this area. I loved the verse "I lost my life today
Least that's how it seems
He kissed me on the forehead
Then walked away from me" and the repetition of it was excellent. Overall, though, I didn't feel a lot of emotion from the piece.

One of the verses, I just found rather repetitive. It goes "How can I go on with my life
When my life went on without me
How can I continue living
Where there's no more life in me"

"Continue living" is a reincarnation of "Go on with my life" in the first line. Then, "life went on without me" and "no more life in me" restate the same ideas, too.

I was also looking for stronger phrasing in some areas. Words that would really make a great emotional appeal to the reader. "As I stood and wept" is one such place. Crying is a big show of emotion, but "stood and wept" doesn't seem to really show that. It's the same idea with the line about tears dripping, which I mention a little later in the review...

By the way, is this a poem or lyrics? You call it a song in your post, but it's classification under static item is a poem. *Confused*

*Flower4*Specifics*Flower3*
Standard Disclaimer: These are all just my suggestions for correcting. It is your work, and entirely up to you what you do and do not change.

But no matter what they say
*Bullet*You use "saying" right before this, and I think that the repetition is interfering to the line. I suggest a synonym, probably "state"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

When the tears still silently drip
*Bullet*Something about the word "drip" bothers me. I mean, dripping is what a faucet does. It seems to make light of the falling tears.
*Bullet*Also, the rhythm does not seem to hold in this line. I think it is too long by two or three syllables. Maybe the whole thing could be rephrased to something like "While the tears still drop"?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Oh, he kissed me on the forehead
*Bullet*I suggest removing "oh." It does not improve the rhythm, and does not add anything to the poem.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Your poem/song is very good! It's got a lot of skill, and is definitely some strong work. I think it could use more emotional appeal and powerful wordage, but otherwise it is fairly flawless.

Keep writing!

-Lanen


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11
11
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear Melody,
Thank you for visiting "Invalid Item" 

This is a very interesting premise for your story. I think it is presented very well, and it seems like a great way to attract attention to your novel. The ideals are all well arranged, and it as a whole has a very professional and polished look. Grammatically this is very good, I noticed few repeated errors, showing a good overall grip of writing.

On the negative, I noticed a plethora of interjections used. They appear in droves in every sentence. Interjections are fine, but too many are redundant and distracting. I suggest going through this and counting all the interjections, then rearrange 75% of the sentences with interjections in them so that there is a less obtrusive amount of them.

Another common thing I saw all throughout your work is hyphening. Like the interjections, too many were obtrusive. I specifically pointed out some of them specifically, but you can easily see them yourself. Most of them would be taken care of if you decide to remove some of the interjections, others can be simply replaced with commas.

*Star*Specifics
Standard Disclaimer: These are all just my suggestions for correcting. It is your work, and entirely up to you what you do and do not change.

This uncommon account-which also follows her public search for her birth mother and famous birth father- is likely to appeal to a wide audience of the young, the young at heart, to those interested in pop culture and everyone who have ever aspired to stardom, health and happiness.
*Bullet*Because of the way the idea of this appealing to all is presented, I suggest some rewording to encourage this slightly.

This uncommon account-which also follows her public search for her birth mother and famous birth father- is likely to appeal to a wide audience from the young and the young at heart, to those interested in pop culture and everyone who have ever aspired to stardom, health and happiness.
**********************************

Fame's early feel; Anxiety & Depression
*Bullet*I have trouble with the phrase "Fame's early feel," I'm not sure what being felt by fame is like. Or is this something like 'feeling early fame'? I don't know... *Confused*
***********************************

In this first of ongoing journals that follow her life, we meet 18 y.o."Melody"--a real life nerd-turned rising pop star, at the time she is first "discovered". Born and abandoned on Manhattan's lower east side and later adopted and raised on Long Island by kind-hearted upper middle class parents (including a father who is then the president of their parish church council and a British mother whom with she spent summers abroad)...
*Bullet*Comma after "side"
*Bullet*"whom with" should be "with whom"
***********************************

Melody opens for "Andreus 13" (formerly of Public Enemy) on tour dates and following an intermittent relationship with former Tennis Federation player Edwin Bello-meets and becomes involved with Singer *Jonnie A (then of rap group *"Brooklyn Crew").
*Bullet*Comma after the first "and"
*Bullet*Comma instead of hyphen after "Bello"
***********************************

She soon meets Atlantic recording artist Joey Kid (later of C&C Music Factory and Trilogy) and then becomes involved with male supermodel *Adrian Valdez (*Name changed).
*Bullet*We are already told that a star means that the name has been changed. We do not need to be reminded in parenthesis here.
*************************************

She finds a new manager--legendary actor-producer-director Richard Dixon (who is best known for discovering and developing the talent of Eddie Murphy, Rosie O'Donnell, Billy Crystal, Kevin James and Jerry Seinfeld, among others)--and begins her brief modeling and dancing career.
*Bullet*Comma instead of the first hyphens.
*Bullet*Delete the second hyphens.
*************************************

After their break-up she befriends Polygram recording artist Ronnie Divito (Aka "GQ") and Bossa Nova Beatniks percussionist George "Ding-Ding" Meier, earns a performance award (as the years final vocal winner in the WBAB FM Radio talent competition, hosted by Bob Buckmann and judged by Sony Music's Vice Pres.) and-with the support of her adoptive parents--furthers the search for her birth parents.
*Bullet*This sentence becomes too long to keep straight. I suggest separating it into at least two.
*Bullet*"years" should be "year's"
*Bullet*Comma after "was" in "she was in fact"
***************************************

Melody makes her first national television appearance and is the subject of a horrendous "joke" which- for reasons both unbelievable and true-proved disastrous for her relationship with Ian.
*Bullet*Commas instead of both hyphens
***************************************

There she eventually moves to be with new companion-the much older Colombian born, former Miami-based singer-songwriter *Pedro Maltoban.

There she eventually moves to be with her new companion, the much older Colombian born, former Miami-based singer, songwriter *Pedro Maltoban.
***************************************

While working as a leg model she is offered the female lead in a TV movie-tentatively titled "The Parking Lot" in which Rosie O'Donnell was also slated to appear.

While working as a leg model she is offered the female lead in a TV movie-tentatively titled "The Parking Lot" in which Rosie O'Donnell is also slated to appear.
***************************************

During their brief separation, they learn he has cancer and--devastated by the news--Melody agrees to return to NY to care for he and their newborn son.
*Bullet*I believe that "he" should be "him"
***************************************

At last provided her birth mothers name Dorothea (Dottie) Bramer, she begins to unravel the woman's painful past.
*Bullet*"mothers" should be "mother's"
***************************************

She is thrown by the news--especially when she realizes she is physically her birth mother's spitting image.
*Bullet*Comma instead of hyphens
****************************************

Transformed from quasi pop star to quasi farm girl in a single 28 hour road trip she now must contend with less urban dangers, such as rattlesnakes, horse thieves and loneliness.
*bulllet*Comma after "thieves"
******************************************

(One song of which-titled "Saving Myself" she recorded at home while the devastating Oklahoma May 3 tornados plowed through outside, within a mile of her parent's farm.)
*Bullet*The wording on this is hard to follow. I suggest rewording.
*******************************************

Now 28, she is intrigued by the attractive 24 year old Belgian, who woos her with a painting, shipped across the Atlantic.
*Bullet*No comma after "painting"
******************************************

For the time being, she attempted to market herself from the Midwest, relying upon online music communities and connections.
*Bullet*"For the time being" is in present tense while the rest is in past
*****************************************

She is offered a job by LawTown Records/Media (who work with many well known artists, including Cyndi Lauper, Jordan Knight and Samantha Fox, among others) as a pr writer.
*Bullet*Because LawTown records is a company, "who work with" should be "which works with"
*Bullet*omit "among others"
******************************************

She is asked to contribute songs to the new albums of good friends colorful dance music artist "Bylli Crayone", C&C Music Factory/Trilogy star "Joey Kid" and stunning salsa star Victor Vega's new solo albums.
*Bullet*I find "good friends colorful dance music" rather confusing. I don't know what you mean.
*****************************************

For the now thirty-something dreamer, it is the moment of truth.
*Bullet*No comma after "dreamer"
******************************************

The ultimate lesson learned throughout this remarkable story is that though it may sometimes be hard to see the sun through the storm-it continues to shine.
*Bullet*Comma instead of hyphen
*****************************************

"NO!", My husband cried, climbing in after it.
*Bullet*No comma after quotes
****************************************

"Of COURSE I have!", I screamed, through tears.
*Bullet*No comma after quotes, nor after "screamed"
****************************************

Until this period of disgust passed.
*Bullet*Sentence fragment
****************************************

"You'll get it back", he comforted.
*Bullet*Comma should be inside the quotes
******************************************

Your attention and devotion alone to this novel, make these sections worth reading. This is very well done! I thought that the reviews at the bottom were a very nice touch as well.

Great work!

-Lanen


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12
12
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Marshall-

I see that you are pretty active in editing this. Changes have been made even since the last time I read this, and I see several differences between what is here on screen and what I printed out.

The storyline for Chapter 2 is great. It was interesting to get a grip on the fact that Jack really does have a mental problem of sorts, and to start to see it in action. The foreshadowing presented by the quiet room and Jordan's speech to Jack both made me intrigued with the story.

I did not have a problem with the setting in this chapter. I had a decent image of the ballroom, and I think what matters about it is probably there. The characters are also very good. Your writing on the cop was very descriptive, and made me feel why they would be intimidated. I'm very interested to read on about the other characters involved and how they relate to Jack in the story.

As I read, nothing negative particularly comes to mind about this chapter. Have I yet suggested to you that you either skip lines or use {indent} for new paragraphs? If not, I am now.

There were a few specifics that I noted this time.

*Star*Specifics

My heart goes supernova. Blast waves streak through my veins. White noise fills my head and sizzles against my ears.
*Bullet*This is a touchy segment. I love the overall feeling of this paragraph. It's very colorful and most definitely a read that appeals to the audience. On the other hand, I'm not sure I understand the various feelings. Yes, I can quite well gather that he is freaking out, but what are blast waves in someone's veins like? White noise I understand better, but the general feeling is hard to grip. I'm not sure whether to suggest that you clarify this or not, so I really just wanted to point the section out. Perhaps then, you can read the paragraph again and see if you think it is perfect.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

He pulls open the top drawer of the dresser and plops down a weeks worth of wife-beaters, knee-high socks, and tidy-whiteys.

He pulls open the top drawer of the dresser and plops down a week's worth of wife-beaters, knee-high socks, and tidy-whiteys.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

He says that I’m out of the frying pan—when his pep talk is lost in the roar of others. And then its hush-hush little Jackie, those voices belong to you.
*Bullet*As far as your writing goes, I think these sentences are somewhat clumsy. I get the idea of what you mean, but that's about it. They don't have the eloquence of your usual writing. Perhaps you should reconsider your presentation of these.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The first thing I notice are groups of four or five neon guests huddled in tight formation, or alternately sprawled out over white, pleather couches like wounded on a battlefield.
*Bullet*"Thing" and "are" is what you want to match in number, not "are" and "groups." So this should either be:

The first things I notice are....
or
The first thing I notice is....
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Off in one lonely nook of the room, sits a few guests in way-bright white.
*Bullet*I would reconsider the comma here. I don't think that you need it.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

After were dismissed, I break off from my group and hurry back to my room.

After we're dismissed, I break off from my group and hurry back to my room.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


Your writing style does an excellent job of shining through in your work again. I love some of your comparisons, such as the faces of the patients to those of coma victims as well as the groups of people lying around like fallen on a battlefield.

I did not feel so much like I was seeing the world through Jack's eyes as I did in the previous chapter. It is a different subject, however, and doesn't seem to lend itself to that as well as in Chapter 1. Still, I would be looking forward to more strong first person point of view in further segments.

As always, excellent writing. This is such a great story- I look forward to reading more!

-Lanen



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P.S. I'm down on the southern end of the city, amongst the Sox fans. D'oh!
13
13
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Well hello Marshall, it's good to see something of yours in the forum again.

I actually wrote this review last night, got it finished completely, then my computer blanked out- ouch!

Well, anyway, I've been really anxious to get to this piece when I saw that it was one of yours. When I got to actually read it, I was assured that my anxiety had been justified. This is an excellent, captivating story!

Part of why this piece is great is your writing style. You have well-written sentences with a lot of character. It makes for a unique presentation of the subject. Your writing could make an article on the toxicity of shoe polish interesting, though I can't imagine what that would sound like through the mind of Jack. Of course, the subject you did pick makes for a much better story that works very well with your writing.

Speaking of story, your plot is very interesting. When I saw the title "Madhouse" in the forum, my interest was piqued right away. The idea itself for the story so far, hasn't really presented itself as the most original I've ever heard of. A guy gets sent to an asylum where something shady is going on. Of course, this is just based on the first chapter, and the plot is an entertaining one anyway. Even in the first few paragraphs, though, your story differentiates from the others because of your marvelous writing style and unique presentation. This is a tremendous asset to have!

In addition, I think that your character(s) is great. Even in the short time that he was in the story, I got a good feeling on the character of Dr. Macabee. He comes out very well through his actions and speech, something that I see a lot of authors having trouble with. Mainly, though, I am talking about Jack as far as characters go so far. I love your use of 1st person here! You take it farther than just using "I" and "me." The story is not just told from his point of view, it's told through him.

On the other hand, I don't yet feel like I have a good grip of him personality wise. If someone asked me to describe him, I would be able to say that he was angry and cynical, but not much else. This is, of course, early in the story. I don't have much of an acquaintance with him yet, but believe that you would already have this covered in the future chapters. Since I am reviewing this bit-by-bit anyway, I like to note the expectations I have for the next segments.

The only thing I really feel like I am missing out on is some setting. In my mind, I built of the image of a stereotypical hospital setting; sterile, cold, and white. Is this right, though? Some authors simply don't want to allow much description of this sort in their work, but I think that fitting some more setting into your storyline would be beneficial. In the hallway, you mention fluorescent lighting. This is good, but what else about it? What is on either side of the hall as Jack looks down it? You said that the doctor has one folding chair, and sits in another himself. So do cheap metal folding chairs line the hall? There's a lot of good ambience that can add to a story, especially in a good location like a mental institution.

As far as specifics go, there was almost nothing that I could find. You did such a great job that my line-by-line checking became basically obsolete. For shame!

A giant in blue pats me down.
*Bullet*Love the opener!
+`+`+`+`+`+`+`+`+`+`+` <---It's supposed to be like barbed wire. Get it? -Cause he's in a madhouse. Yeah, it's not good. *Blush*


Handcuffs gnaw on my wrists. Chest aches. Hands shake. Thoughts hissing as sweat crawls down my skin. I’m losing it again, I let myself know. I feel the crush. I’ve become allergic to gravity. Please God, I’d rather be dead than this.
*Bullet*I like what you did here with the choppy sentences. That way each action/idea that comes to him is freestanding and more dramatically on its own. Only thing is that I wonder how I should be reading it. I kind of want to give more pause between each, and let the individual sentence sort of float before me on its own for a bit.
*Bullet*Also, I just realized that I recognize the phrase "allergic to gravity" from your poem, "Frog." Of course, I just happen to see this because whenever I am reminded of your portfolio, I go in and read "Frog."
+`+`+`+`+`+`+`+`+`+`+`

Finally, you have a great last line for the first chapter. It reminds me that Jack is now completely dependant on this asylum, and that they are in control of this situation. I can imagine Macabee saying this right before he closes the door on Jack, leaving him to digest this statement for awhile.

As you can see, I've only been able to do the first chapter in this review. I'm afraid I can't do more than one chapter or so at a time, but will be back as soon as I can to do another. Hopefully I won't have any more run-ins with my computer's adware problems, and will be able to come back to this tomorrow and send another review.

In the mean time, love the work and keep writing!
-Lanen


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14
14
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Julian,
Thank you for visiting "Invalid Item" !

I was kept very interested all throughout your play. I think it is very good!

Your description of the Contrador was excellent! It was well-written, and really creeped me out. Both your storyline and description were exceptional.

As far as layout goes, I think that you should start leaving blanks between paragraphs and when a new person speaks. It would keep this from running together and being hard on the eyes. Also, instead of listing it as a short story, I suggest you having it "static item >>script/play"

While the storyline is really entertaining, I had a few problems with some of the actions. For one, in this paragraph "The four stare in silence into the leaping flames. They watch intently as the serpentine flames begin to form shapes..." It doesn't make sense that they would stare into the flames. Wouldn't they be afraid? Especially if they started to see something frightening. Wouldn't they at least be spooked and look away? Or ask each other if they had seen it too?
Also, the ending caused me to question the story. How could a sword wound be confused with a knife one? The sword would be much deeper. Also, the man was just unconscious for hours? How did they not realize this? It is standard practice to check first thing for a pulse, and if he were thought dead he would have been taken to the morgue pretty fast.

I was also kind of confused with who was who as far as the Contrador. There seem to be two men involved with the volcano, one being the peasant and the other Balboa. When writing about the punishment of these two, I couldn't follow what was happening to whom.

Other then this, I enjoyed the story a whole lot.

*Star*Specifics

Eroll, one of the men in the house is significantly older than the other two.
*Bullet*It is already understood that Eroll is in the house, so I suggest taking that out to clean the sentence up some.

Eroll, one of the men, is significantly older than the other two.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was, as his closest friends called him, a crusty old son of a bitch.
*Bullet*In the rest of this you use present tense, so I change it here to be uniform.

He is, as his closest friends have called him, a crusty old son of a bitch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He has a certain whit and quickness to him, that gives him a sense of deep wisdom.

He has a certain whit and quickness to him, that gives him a sense of deep wisdom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Third is tom, a middle-aged man who is the younger brother of Jules.

The third is Tom, a middle-aged man who is the younger brother of Jules.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tom is physically stronger than Jules, but he lacks the Jules’s intelligence.

either
Tom is physically stronger than Jules, but he lacks the Jules’s intelligence.
or
Tom is physically stronger than Jules, but he lacks the intelligence of Jules.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sheriff and some of his deputies stand in the middle of the street looking down at a body.
*Bullet*Even with this new paragraph, I was thrown off by the change in setting and character. I suggest opening this with a transition.

Outside, the sheriff and some of his deputies stand in the middle of the street looking down at a body.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dave is the man entering the house.
*Bullet*This, I really believe, is too much of a repetition of the previous sentence. To me, the best way to present this would be to do some rearranging.

Dave is middle aged, and in his recent years has learned that the gift of hearing is much more useful than speech. He is new to this little town, but is an old friend of the three inside the house.
or if you feel like Dave needs to be more clearly IDed as the man entering
The man is Dave, who is middle aged, and in his recent years has learned...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just as he mentioned the name Lucifer, the flames jumped, sending sparks flying out of the fire place, spooking the four men.
*Bullet*Goes back to past tense here

Just as he mentions the name Lucifer, the flames jump, sending sparks flying out of the fire place, spooking the four men.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eroll whispering : there be spirits among us, don’t you go conjuring more with your stories
*Bullet*Caps for "there"

Eroll whispering : There be spirits among us, don’t you go conjuring more with your stories
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The man cried out what are you doing and Balboa said, what will you give me if I save you.
*Bullet*Needs quotes; I think regular quoting is fine within this sort of dialogue.

The man cried out, "What are you doing?" and Balboa asked, "What will you give me if I save you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But as his body burned and the pain became unbearable, the man with his last breath cried out, I’ll give my soul.

But as his body burned and the pain became unbearable, the man with his last breath cried out, "I’ll give my soul!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He gave him two swords of the exact shape and size and told him to kill.

He gave him two swords of the exact same shape and size and told him to kill.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eroll yells to the person at the door : What do you want!

Eroll yells to the person at the door : What do you want?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sheriff : this is the sheriff, I’m looking for witnesses.

Sheriff : This is the sheriff, I’m looking for witnesses.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As soon as the sheriff enters, he is taken back by the immense flames in the fireplace.
*Bullet*"Enters" is a repeat here, I suggest replacing it.

As soon as the sheriff does, he is taken back by the immense flames in the fireplace.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don’t you think you ought to kill some of those flames, maybe bring it down a bit.

Don’t you think you ought to kill some of those flames, maybe bring it down a bit?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Besides, don’t you want to know…don’t you want to see if he really exists, to see if the contra-

Besides, don’t you want to know…don’t you want to see if he really exists, to see if the Contra-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jules : No you didn’t. tauntinglyMaybe you a little tipsy when you saw it…

Jules : No you didn’t. tauntingly Maybe youwere a little tipsy when you saw it…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are you suicidal!

Are you suicidal?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just before the very top, the opening of the volcano, there is a door sized entrance.

Just before the very top, at the opening of the volcano, there is a door-sized entrance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tom, yelling over the loud rumbling : you don’t have to do it!
*Bullet*Caps for start of speach
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few seconds pass, and he looks up at Jules : it’s not worth your life, it’s not.
*Bullet*Caps
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tom holds the musket tightly and run in after Jules.

Tom holds the musket tightly and runs in after Jules.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

holds the musket tightly and run in after Jules. Jules runs without knowing where he is going. He pays no attention to where he goes. H runs without care through what seems to be an endless tunnel,
*Bullet*There is a lot of repetition here both of heedlessness and running.

Jules runs without knowing where he is going. He pays no attention to where he goes. He rushes without care through what seems to be an endless tunnel,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The flames slowly move toward them. Both men begin to sweat, either from fear or from the intense heat of the flames. The flames begin form shapes, human shapes. As Tom and Jules look with terrified faces at the flames, they see stretched, serpentine faces looking back at them.
*Bullet*Repetition of "flames" throughout this area. I suggest replacing some with pronouns.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sheriff with a slight chuckle : there was no murderer, there was no murder.
*Bullet*Capitalize


I like your dialogue a lot in general. It can be difficult to write in normal pieces, and even more so in a play where it is more focused on speach. You were very good at writing monologues convincingly. Since people don't usually speak for long periods at a time in life, it can be difficult to do. Great work!

The ending was especially enjoyable. Except for a few questions it raised, I think it was a perfect way to tie together the story. It made some of the previous actions and reactions make more sense, and way overall well done.

In general, excellent piece of work! You've got a great idea here, and superb play written around it.

Great writing
Lanen


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15
15
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This was really well done!
I didn't intend to read all this right now, since I didn't have much time. As soon as I started reading, though, I was drawn in. This was presented very well, and was an enjoyable read.
Most impressively, you did a good job of writing on subjects that I might have trouble admitting to myself, let alone sharing. The whole thing was arranged well, though I do suggest double spacing between each paragraph and then doing another sort of separation when you move on to a new topic.
Specifically, about 3/4 the way down, you have

Together, my mother, sister, and I read out loud from a comic book titled Let’s Talk About Sex.

The title should be in italics or quotes.
Otherwise, great job!
-Lanen

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16
16
Review of Re-membering  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi again Des,
This is the fourth time I've typed a review of this- something is always screwing me up! Hopefully, this time I can get it sent. *Smile*
I think that this is very good. I like it a lot! It's so fun, but has more to it than just an entertaining verse. I think your subject is portrayed expertly, and it is the epidemy of short and sweet.
Your rhyming is also excellent! It's so natural and effortless, and adds a lot to the sound of the poem without distracting the reader.
I liked your final line a lot, too- such a fine twist on that phrase.
My only suggestion for this would be the meter on the final two lines. The way I read this, it was stress slack stress.
Like this:
It seems like days since I’ve been fed.”
So when I got to the second to last line, the "anything" disrupted it.
In my opinion, it would sound better if instead of
“Can’t leave anything here - not even a taste.”
it was
“Can’t leave a thing here- not even a taste.”
In the former line, it reads
“Can’t leave an y thing...
with stresses twice in a row. By changing it to "a thing," it follows the stress slack pattern.
The same thing happens with the last line. "terrible" interferes with the rhythm of it. Since "A mind is a terrible thing to waste" is a common phrase, though, I can't see changing it. Instead, maybe shortening the beginning to just "Well." It's not quite as effective as far as meter, I don't think, but it might be an improvement.
Before I get off the track and onto something else, one more comment. Your content rating for this is "GC."
GC is for really offensive material. Things with avidly swearing, naked, drug-abusive, morally offending, and constitution-testing characters/plots are what GC tends to cover. This is a basically mild piece. The worst thing in it is a crow enjoying a hearty dose of squirrel brain. I think it should be somewhere closer to 13+ than the above 18 with an iron constitution rating.
Well, on to the digressing-

Before I got to reviewing this today, I was thinking about your being a basic member without an upgrade. When I was looking for help keeping mine, I was recommended a group that provides basic upgrades to a large amount of people that apply. They only allow 25 items, but I think that would be a nice improvement for your port. It also lasts a whole year, which is really nice. Anyway, I was going to submit you, but you don't meet the requirement of having been here for a month quite yet. Hopefully, I will think of this again in 8 days, but I will send you the link to the group, if you are interested.
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#689913 by Not Available.

I also happened to notice a poetry contest that was giving award icons and GPs for black cases only. I was so excited over showing this to you, but turns out that is is over now, anyway. *Frown*
Well, I think that's more than enough writing from me for the moment. Again, excellent poem!

In a house,
-Lanen
17
17
Review of A Note in Passing  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What a fun poem. *Smile*
This is very cute, and most enjoyable to read. I am especially impressed that you managed to make it rhyme so completely, and keep the piece sounding natural and effortless. As far as I saw, your spelling is flawless throughout, and there did not seem to be any grammar errors.

The absolutely only change I might suggest is in L5. "He surveyed the world through watery, red eyes."
The rhythm seemed off here to me. I thought it was just a syllable too long by comparison to the others.
My suggestions for shortening it would either be:

He saw the world through watery, red eyes.
or
He surveyed the world through watery eyes.

Anyway, this is still a perfect poem. Great job, and keep writing!
-Lanen
18
18
Review of Storm  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Destiny,
Since I am finally ahead on the reviews, I came to see the other poems in your portfolio.
This is an excellent piece. It is ripe with imagery, and powerful. You do a good job of presenting your subjects, and melded the idea of the storm expertly with that of the lovers. Overall, I was very impressed.

As I read there were a few things I noticed that you might look at. Except for a spelling correction, they're all purely opinion.

The storm thundered on.
Surrounding this line you use present tense. I think that is sounds better that way than in past, more active for the situation. Perhaps change this line to fit with that.

The storm thunders on.
or
The storm, thundering on.
------

One heartbeat.
Previous to this line, everything is so original. It's a unique presentation of romance and storms, that uses creative wording instead of cliches. "One heartbeat," however, is a phrase used for love that I've heard again and again. In my opinion, drawing into this observation took away from the surrounding poem.
------

Irridescence.
Iridescence

This is an excellent poem. I love the way you tied the two concepts together, and the imagery you had.
Great piece!
-Lanen
19
19
Review of The Gray Area  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Sir William,
My apologize, first for the delay in this response. Storms have been keeping me off of my computer for the bulk of the past few weeks.

Your topic was very good. It had a lot of potential. I think, however, that most of this potential was in the questions which were not addressed by the story. What happened to Antos at the very end? Was that his death scene? Why did he die, if so. I expected to find out what happened to the planet. It was such a main point at the beginning of the story, I was very surprized that I never found out. In the beginning there is a lot presented without explanation, a lot of foreshadowing. There is a delicate balance to this, however. Too much foreshadowing, and the reader gets anxious and frustrated, wanted to be told what is going on. I was a victim of this in your story, when I started to reach the last paragraphs, and still didn't know what had happened with this planet.

On the other hand, your ability to describe the setting was very good. Grammatically, your story was excellent. I don't think I found any spelling errors, and your sentences were well constructed.

Sci-fi lingo can be an important part of a story of this genre- when used to further the tone of the piece and separate it from current common tounge. I notice here that you use "quarac." The problem that comes with using lingo is that to be helpful, it needs a meaning that the reader can guess at. Is a quarac a measure of time? At first, it seems so, and to be something maybe near the length of a few months or so. Later on, though, the reader is faced with -60 quaracs? Is this still supposed to be time? How can they be counting time negative? What in the universe is a quarac?! This is the sort of thing that will cause your readers to experience aneurisms! *Smile*

As I read, I jotted down any comments that I noticed in particular sentences or areas. Since your grammer was very good, most are simply my opinion on various things such as the repetition of words.


He grabbed the bones. They turned to ash on his fingertips.
Why? Why would he reach out and grab these remains?
-------

“The fact that these… paintings survived the catastrophe that claimed everything else on this world is simply astounding.”
If they’re paintings.

In this area, "paintings" is repeated numerous times. From "There were strange gray paintings on the wall" to "If they're paintings" I counted the word 14 times. Suggested synonyms are "picture" "works" "images" "prints"
------

“I’m scanning these paintings and then I’ll search for more. I hope to find more and hopefully their origins will be revealed.”

repeat of "more" and "hope"- Also, the dialogue seems clumsy here. It's not realistic. No one says "Hopefully their origins will be revealed"- not even this character in any other part of the story.
------

As he looked around, he saw that there was no sign his teammates had ever been in this area.
"Looked around" is used previous to this as well. Besides the repeat, it is not an especially descriptive phrase. Is he still calm enough to be "gazing" or is he worried now and "frantically scanning the area?"
------

Accordingly, something had caused this—these poison fume puking geysers, the charred buildings and skeletons, and the paintings, most of all the paintings. They weren’t paintings, Antos decided. They couldn’t be artwork. Even the worst paintings had some element of life to them....
Numerous repetition of "paintings" here
-------

Negative sixty quaracs.
What's a quarac?
------

A cold, lifeless influence wasn’t on these.
on?
------

Antos winded around the ruins, his heart thumped a little quicker.
Repeat of "winded" here

Antos snaked/made his way through/meandered/wandered around the ruins, his heart thumped a little quicker.
------

A bright flash obscured his vision and the small beings were gone, their death-spheres marked by paintings… paintings?
What's a death-sphere? How did it leave paintings? What are these beings? What do they look like, at the least?
------

Your idea behind this story was good, and I enjoyed reading it. I think it is a piece with a lot of potential, but just needs some loose ends tied up, and closure to the questions that it creates for the reader. Best of luck with this.
-Lanen
20
20
Review of Honeydew Romance  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Clayr
Thank you for visiting my forum.

This was a really sweet story, and did do a good job of standing on its own. I don't think there was anything in it that was lacking as far as explanation. You did a good job of descriptiveness, and emotion. The dialogue was also well done. Grammatically, this was very good. I didn't find much as far as spelling goes or sentence construction. As I read, I had a few comments, which I jotted down in notepad. Below is what I noticed.


Completely level with the ground, this road was completely secluded; farmers only used it as a shortcut during planting and harvest season.
Repetition of "completely"

Completely level with the ground, this road was entirely/totally/fully secluded; farmers only used it as a shortcut during planting and harvest season.
------

I wondered what he was thinking at that moment. Was it the same thing I was thinking?
Repetition of "thinking"

I wondered what he was thinking at that moment. Was it the same thing I was?
------

I could feel his hands traveling up my back, and even through my tank top, I could feel his fingertips memorizing the curves of my body.
"I could feel" used twice here.

I could feel his hands traveling up my back, and even through my tank top, his fingertips memorizing the curves of my body.
------

And even worse, I could recall Dustin Bitrey’s tongue nearly chocking me when I was thirteen.

And even worse, I could recall Dustin Bitrey’s tongue nearly choking me when I was thirteen.
------

A chill, the pleasant kind, ran down my spine, and the exhilarating feeling of lips on my neck took me by surprise, and I shifted my weight against Donovan; in the process, my right hand landed somewhere on his inner thigh, grabbing suddenly at Donovan so I didn’t roll off him.

This is all one sentence, you've taken the record for length. *Smile*
------

This seemed to take Donovan by surprise, as he gasped suddenly, and jumped abruptly as if suddenly uncomfortable.
Repeat of "suddenly" here.

This seemed to take Donovan by surprise, as he gasped suddenly, and jumped abruptly as if unexpectedly uncomfortable.
------

I could tell he was blushing; heat practically radiated off his face, and I could feel the blood rising in my own face, as I looked away at the stars.

Twice used "face" here, I cut one

I could tell he was blushing; heat practically radiated off his face, and I could feel the blood rising in my own, as I looked away at the stars.
------


A lot of my comments were on the repetition of words and phrasing. You might want to keep an eye on that, and investing in a thesaurus is always a good idea. Otherwise, this was a nice piece. It sounds like a very good story. *Smile*
-Lanen
21
21
Review of The Last Page (1)  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Brian,
Thank you for visiting my reviw forum, and best of luck on your book!

When I read things for this forum, I haven't so far actually gotten into a story. I don't get wrapped up in the plot, because I'm concentrating on dissecting these sentences and looking for the best way to put them. In your story, though, I kept getting wrapped up with the actions and reading it like a novel. This, I think, proves it a very good piece. *Smile*
In general, I suppose you've realized that you tend to write very long sentences. This isn't a bad thing, F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote in long sentences and it didn't hurt him. Sometimes, though, the length did cross into too long, and left me wondering just where the sentence would end.

Otherwise, this piece was overall excellent. You did a good job of writing dialogue, which I think is very important. Your descriptiveness was excellent, though I thought perhaps a little too long in describing her favorite street and the houses thereon. As far as grammer, I don't think I found any real errors. There were some things that I noted as I read through, which I do for all pieces that I read. Basically, though, it was just personal opinion. Anyway, here are my notes of anything that I might have corrected, were this my piece.


There is always a way to see beneath the surface of things if you know where to look, a professor of hers had once said.

A professor of hers had once said that there is always a way to see beneath the surface of things if you know where to look.
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Occasionally glancing over to the right as she drove, she caught glimpses of the Puget Sound at the various intersections that she passed...
What's Puget Sound? I got caught up here wondering what this was, should I have known it, and what an odd name.
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The majority of the houses stood tall and narrow, some with old-fashioned wooden shutters to cover the windows, accessible from their second-story windows, and a few brick houses boasted their own simplistic beauty with their mix of earthen bricks and mortar.
Trouble with "old-fashioned wooden shutters to cover the windows, accessible from their second-story windows." Repeat of "windows," and is possibly misleading to your meaning. -Is one of those sentences where I got distracted from the story because of the wording.

The majority of the houses stood tall and narrow, some with old-fashioned wooden shutters to cover the windows accessible from the second floor, and a few brick houses boasted their own simplistic beauty with their mix of earthen bricks and mortar.
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The Twin Creeks apartment complex sat in the north end of Tacoma, and was comprised of several hundred apartments, two tennis courts, a weight room and a pair of pools...

The Twin Creeks apartment complex sat in the north end of Tacoma, and was comprised of several hundred apartments, two tennis courts, a weight room, (insert comma) and a pair of pools...
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As she pulled into her parking spot, Karen climbed out of her car and walked down the concrete path in front of her until she came to a stairway....

Had trouble with "as" here. She getting out of her car and walking down the path while she parks. I would change in one of two ways

After she pulled into her parking spot, Karen climbed out of her car and walked down the concrete path in front of her until she came to a stairway...
or
She pulled into her parking spot, climbed out of her car, (insert comma) and walked down the concrete path in front of her until she came to a stairway
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Their companion turned around and quickly turned back after a moment.
It seems to me that someone can not do something quickly and after a moment at the same time.
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The floor could have been composed of the original floorboards that were used at this firehouse when it first came to be for all anyone knew, considering the scrapes, grooves and fading that this already light wood had acquired throughout the years.

I had trouble following this sentence. I suggest rephrasing it.

Considering the scrapes, grooves, and fading that the already light wood of the floor had acquired, it could have been composed of the original floorboards from the firehouse, for all anyone knew.
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The temperature quickly began to rise and it began to feel like a packed concert inside.

repeat of "began,"

The temperature quickly began to rise and it started to feel like a packed concert inside the building/restuarant.
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“What way, dad?”

“What way, Dad?”
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Rachael cared so much for people that she often would ignore their character when it came to events happening to them that she considered to be potentially damaging to their psyche...

This gets to be long wording for one thought, and makes it hard to follow

Rachael cared so much for people that she often would ignore their character when it came to events that she considered to be potentially damaging to their psyche,
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For a lifetime resident of Washington who was accustomed to cooler temperatures and minimal amounts of sun throughout the year, the cool, exhilarating feel of the water was great.
Discussing the climate and location here seemed to deviate from the topic.

For a person accustomed to cooler temperatures and minimal sun, the cool, exhilarating feel of the water was great.
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There were no kids running around, no loudmouth neighbors calling out to their friends as they walked by, (insert comma) and almost no traffic in the street.
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After awhile, she stopped swimming and just allowed herself to float on the surface, watching the sunset in the distance.
Did you perhaps mean the act of the sun setting in this instance? If so, it should be "sun set."
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After she got back to her apartment, she showered again to clean herself off and put some fresh clothes on again—a white t-shirt and shorts.
Showers generally serve the purpose of cleaning one off. Perhaps you meant to be more specific here?

After she got back to her apartment, she showered again to clean the chlorine from the pool off, and put some fresh clothes on again—a white t-shirt and shorts.
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Karen came into work on Monday feeling rejuvenated and full of spirit. Ready to start the week, she came in early and immediately began attending to the customers that came to the counter.
Came is used three times right here, so I changed on of them

Ready to start the week, she arrived early and immediately began attending to the customers that came to the counter.
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Turning her attention back to the register and the front of the house, she saw him come in.
Front of the house?
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Turning her attention back to the register and the front of the house, she saw him come in. She guessed that he had been coming in every weekday (at least) for about eight months. Coming in with the same laptop...

You use "come" or a form of it 3 times here. I've changed two...

Turning her attention back to the register and the front of the house, she saw him come in. She guessed that he had been here every weekday (at least) for about eight months. Entering/Arriving in with the same laptop,
------


You've done excellent work here! It caught my attention, and made me interested in reading more.
Good job!
-Lanen

22
22
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Kiwidragon,
Thank you for visiting my review forum. *Smile*
This story was very fun. You have a nice writing style. Both myself and a friend who read this loved your rhyming troll. You also had some great sensory in this, and nice descriptions. In general, you might want to watch your apostrophe use, you missed some possesives that should of had them. Also, your "too" and "to" got mixed up sometimes. As I read, I jot down in my notepad what grammer corrections that I notice, and some points that are just my opinion as far as the way they sound to me. Below is what I took note of, most just very minor things.

Jumping over the edge, (insert comma) she walked out into the forest, relishing her newfound escape from drudgery.
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The night air was crisp, and the forest's children composed....
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And owl hooted, a mouse squeaked, and somewhere in the distance a wolf howled at the crescent moon.

An owl hooted, a mouse squeaked...
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It’s really not easy being a scullery maid, she thought to herself as she strode along. Scrub, cut, wash,

Thoughts should be put in italics.

It’s really not easy being a scullery maid, she thought to herself as she strode along. Scrub, cut, wash....
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And gave me so many dishes to wash that I was always he last to leave the scullery!

Here you switch persons from 3rd to 1st.

And gave her so many dishes to wash that she was always the last to leave the scullery!
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But might as well wish for flying cows as wish for him to even look at her; her, just a skinny girl of fifteen with wild red hair, blazing green eyes, and a slightly turned up nose, no, never.

I think "turned up" should be "turned-up" though I am not sure. Also, I broke apart the last of this so it was less rushed.

But might as well wish for flying cows as wish for him to even look at her; her, just a skinny girl of fifteen with wild red hair, blazing green eyes, and a slightly turned-up nose. No, it would never happen, never.
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Ugh, bad memories better shake them off so they don’t come with me.

Here you change persons.

Ugh, bad memories - better shake them off so they don’t come with.
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He was not witty, for his father was to busy eating to see that his education was taken care of. His charm was practically non-existent, for he had spent his time playing with the common “riff-raff”,

.....playing with the common “riff-raff,"
------

his father was to busy ordering his hunters to denude the forest at that point...
"To" should be "too."
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Yes, she thought to herself, this is where I belong.

Here are thoughts that should be in italics

Yes, she thought to herself, this is where I belong.
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Xylia sniffled and wiped a tear from the corner of her eye, that wasn’t the way she wanted her life to proceed.
------

Self-pity was obviously going to get her nowhere, except for the gloomy realm of depression.
------

No, (insert comma) she’d have to go to the city, where if she played her cards right, she could probably find work at a tavern.
-------

Xylia heard a rumble, akin to that of thunder, and not too distant either.
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And now that she thought about, losing Elamdar didn’t pain her all that much…

And now that she thought about it, losing Elamdar didn’t pain her all that much…
------

Otherwise, this was very neat. As long as you are having fun with it, I think it would be a great idea to continue!
-Lanen
23
23
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Shimonkane
Thanks for stopping by my review forum. *Smile*
You're plot was really cute, and entertaining. I liked the jocularity of this, and enjoyed it a lot. I don't think I have any ideas for correction in general, except perhaps, that sometimes when you address the reader it sounds a little forced. It's not very detracting, it just didn't seem completely natural to me in the piece. Otherwise, everything was excellent. There are a few comments on grammer and style that I took note of, and jotted down as I read. Some of them are genuine errors, like writing "out" instead of "our," but others are just my opinion and nothing more. *read*


I would like to tell you a story that was told to me a few weeks ago by a friend of mine as we chatted over a coffee. The story was actually quite mediocre so as I retell the story to you I promise to add some kind of excitement, bearing in mind that I don’t want to jeopardise the story’s authenticity.

Rushed first sentences, separate. Jeopardise=Jeopardize

I would like to tell you a story. It was told to my a few weeks ago by a friend as we chatted over a coffee. Actually, the story was quite mediocre, so as I retell it I promise to add some excitement. Bearing in mind, of course, that I don't want to jeopardize the story's authenticity.
------

It was an ugly, (insert comma) old, (insert comma) fat, (insert comma) ginger tom called Mr Grumbles.
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The school teacher’s schoolteacher's name was Ivan, Ivan Stanislavski;
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taught English to a rowdy bunch of nine year olds at a local public school.

taught English to a rowdy bunch of nine-year-olds at a local public school.
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One problem stood in the way of Ivan’s dream to write a novel, he had a terrible memory.

Slightly repetitive

One problem stood in the way of Ivan’s dream to write, he had a terrible memory.
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“Sir, we haven’t had out lunch yet” even when they had.

“Sir, we haven’t had our lunch yet” even when they had.
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This was a fun story, you did a good job!
-Lanen
24
24
Review of The Battle Within  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
After going through a lot of other short pieces, this seems more like an old friend than another item to review. *Delight*

I thought that this was a great section. It had a nice balance of setting and plot, and a very good portrayal of emotion. This was probably my favorite part throughout. It is good to see Kyra react with others, especially Kamlyn. I like that character so far, by the way.

This part had the least corrections for me by a long shot, and showed definite promise and improvement. Your work has looked better and better as I've read. ^.^

In general, you may want to keep an eye on your sentence length. Usually, the sentences were very good, but occasionally there would be several that seemed very choppy, and a few run-ons or too long ones. Really, though, it didn't even seem enough to be a big deal.

About the end notes, the "SQ" and "TG." I liked that your letters mentioned before actually had a point, and weren't just random. Finding out after I had read, though, didn't help me out as much as it would of at the time I was reading about them. Especially if you add more and the End Notes are pushed farther back. You might consider working these definitions, or hinting at them in the story, instead of explaining them on the side. Failing that, you could always * or otherwise mark them, so that the reader thinks to look at the end to see what they are.

Well, enough of that. Here is my grammer work-


Her mother warned her to watch out for herself and to in no way show to be foolish, proud, spoiled, or angry in any way lest her father have reason to give everything she had to her brother.

Repetition with "in no way" and then "in any way"
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After they served, (Remove comma) the food, they left as well.
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Kyra ate in silence. She's answering questions, so not total silence.

Kyra ate in near/almost silence.
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After she had finished eating all that she would eat, Kyra got up from the table and went to her room.

After she had finished eating all that she would, Kyra got up from the table and went to her room.
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In the way as most common to young children, Kyra forgot both boredom and anger as she saw her first glimpse of the academy.

Little trouble with "In the way as most" in this sentence...

In the way most common to young children...
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Things were busy here, never stopping, running more quickly than at the palace where a day would pass in a long monotonous uniformity, everyday like the one before, always predictable never changing, since her mother’s death anyway.

Run on

Things were busy here, never stopping, running more quickly than at the palace, where a day would pass in a long monotonous uniformity. There, every day was like the one before, always predictable never changing, since her mother’s death anyway.
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Kyra had heard tales of the days when her mother was alive, (insert comma) and wished she could remember them
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A chill swept through the hall as Kyra turned in a slow circle looking for any sign of life. This is the third repetition of the "sign of life" idea.
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This area struck me as a little odd and choppy. Particularly, maybe this.

He worried about her.

He was worried about her.
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As her hand touched the screen a green light flashed and the door opened.

As her hand touched it, a green light flashed and the door opened.
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He carried her to her room and laid her down on her bed. There's a lot of "her" here.

He carried her to her room and laid her down on the bed.
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I really hope you keep this story going. I've liked reading it alot! You've done extremely well on this. I'm glad I've read your story, it makes my reviewing more fun to get something so neat as this. *Smile*
Keep up the great work,
Lanen
25
25
Review of The Battle Within  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Here is the next part of my line-by-line. The part I saw this time was an excellent *Reading*. I liked your going back in forth between the thoughts in "" and the actions of her with her father as a five-year-old. I haven't seen much of that done, if any, so it was very original. I thought that the emotion was nice and strong here, and was interested in why she was going to the dungeon.
The only thing that bothers me about this, is the reasoning of why she is in such bad shape at this point. Kyra is emotionally wracked, falling apart, seemingly on the verge of utter devestation, but why now? Why not last week? What has suddenly triggered her to be so poorly off now? Is this the night following a 6 months of nightmares caused by this occurance? For her to be so poorly off that she cannot walk or control herself, I think she needs more of a problem. Maybe she also has been unable to eat and sleep. Maybe she has fighting for her life against assasination attempts, or feels she's being haunted by visible signs of others involved. I feel like something more needs to be given to me here, to make me understand why she is having such problems.

Other than that, I am really enjoying the dramaticism. The plot is good, and the setting is very interesting to the reader. I like the mixture of steel and brick that you have with the castle, and the feeling of the story.

------
Stronger word for "awake," something that creates more force
Kyra awoke suddenly from her deep sleep.

Kyra shot awake/burst back to consciousness suddenly from....

or maybe
Kyra awoke with a violent start through her body.
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This first memory was of the night her mother had been killed.
Wording is a little odd here. I suggest removing "first."
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She dripped with sweat wishing this first memory had been only a nightmare.
First bothers me here to...

She dripped with sweat, wishing it had been only a nightmare.
or
She dripped with sweat, wishing this nightmare had been only that
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She got up and splashed water on her face, letting the coolness comfort her.
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The guards awakened her early and rushed her out of the room, trying to explain things as they went,

The guards had awakened (or) awoke her early and rushed her out of the room, trying to explain things as they went,comma should be a period
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Combine these two for a more dramatic effect
The guard tried to tell her what had happened but Kyra's child-like brain couldn't comprehend that her mother was gone. She couldn't comprehend that her mother had bled to death because someone shot her in the neck.

The guard tried to tell her what had happened, but Kyra's child-like brain couldn't comprehend that her mother was gone, that her mother had bled to death after being shot in her neck.
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In the next paragraph, I'm not sure if you are still in the past or present. You start out obviously talking in the past, with the asteroid and investigation. After that, though, you talk about her being in the bathroom. If it is back in the present, maybe start a new paragraph. If it is still in the past, maybe describe her hand as "child-like" or something to reinforce the fact that she is young.
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She knew that even if she forced herself to stay awake, eventually, (Remove comma) she would fall asleep and succumb to this attack of remembrances.
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This could be more strongly worded
She stood in a hap-hazardous sort of way and walked out into the hall in the direction of the dungeon.

She stood unsteadily, leaning against the the sink/wall/object to keep from collapsing, and stumbled out into the hall in the direction of the dungeon.
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Strode is a confident word. This girl seems like she is overcome with emotion. She probably won't be striding anywhere anytime tonight. *Smile*

As she strode to the dungeon, delirium overcame her.

As she stumbled/staggered/tripped/tottered/lurched/swayed...
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She stumbled in a sort of drunken despair, wailing and weeping and falling over herself as the corridor swirled and buckled around her.
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She leaned against the wall as she went, going farther (remove "farther") deeper into the dungeon.
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5-year old Kyra walked down the long corridor to her father's chambers. A small pout on her face, she hoped to sway her father's decision on her fate.

5-year old Kyra walked down the long corridor to her father's chambers, a small pout on her face. She hoped to sway her father's decision on her fate.
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What he left unsaid was that he sent her away in order to rip her title as heir to the throne away from her and to bestow the coveted title (synonym here- role, position, place) upon her younger twin brother.

*Note1*Lanen
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