Hello Roxanna,
This is a really cute poem. I'd believe animal instinct over a weather-man any day. Cats, especially, have the funniest behavior.
There are a few missing commas but that is easily fixed.
I struggled to find the meter/rhythm of the read and simply started again, reading it without cadence. I don't know if this was your intent. If cadence was your intent, a trick I like to use is this: I write the syllable count at the end of each line and edit the lines to bring the syllable counts into a repeating order. I hope this helps you.
Hello Magoo,
I enjoyed this cute little poem very much. Almost every line makes me re-think what I thought about the previous one! Well done! I am a huge fan of rhymed poetry and this one has a delightfully easy rhythm. A bit of nonsense in a well thought out form.
I have no constructive criticism. It's perfect the way it is. Thanks for sharing it.
I found this story to be somewhat funny, in a twisted sort of way. I like it because it has an "unvarnished truth" sort of feel.
I believe it would be better received with some paragraphing. An easy fix.
If you e-mail me with the edit, I will raise the rating.
Hello Simple Dykie,
I hope I got this right. It seems as though the alternating verses are alternating perspectives of the son and the father. A thoughtful way of showing both sides of the same situation.
I do have a suggestion: If you change the format to offset the verses, it will be less confusing to the reader.
Example: I saw a man with no shoes.
He was singing the blues.
I saw a man with nice shoes.
I sang to him, the blues.
Just my opinion,
-Flash
Hello Susan,
I don't know why but this made me think of what I tell family members when they ask what my final wishes are.
(I wish to be given back to nature. No burning, no box. Just leave me somewhere elemental and sacred. Nature will do what needs done.)
This piece is like the theme song for my personal beliefs about death. I have no criticisms to offer, only praise. It moved me to tears. Well done.
Hello Susan,
I am a writer of mostly rhymed poetry. With no formal training, all I can offer is my honest opinion.
This was simply beautiful. It made me feel like it was pulling me somewhere primal. Before I scrolled to the image, I already had my head full of the pictures created by your lovely words. Now I can't wait to read the rest of your work. Well done.
Hello,
I am a novice writer of mostly rhymed poetry. I can only offer my honest opinion.
This is a story I would love to explore fully. It is full of intense imagery. I love how there are small bits of back-story inserted throughout the piece, never delving so far into them as to distract the reader from the current point. Well done.
The last line seems as though it is missing 2 words. I think you can see how they improve the sentence:
"It was a fair trade but that did ^not^ keep ^her^ heart from breaking as she pushed the horse to ride even faster."
I really enjoyed this piece. Thanks for sharing it.
Hello Zeke,
Nice! What a funny telling of a dentist visit. This showcases the unnecessary drama some people assign to the most mundane things. Good job!
I like that the revealing statement is only in the last sentence. Well done.
Hello Joshua,
This was a lovely story. I think it would make a charming children's movie.
I found no errors. I do have the feeling that this could be the beginning of a lengthier story where Hope learns to be careful what she wishes for. Perhaps also to be truly grateful for what she already has.
This is just the weird way my brain works. This piece is already perfect the way it is. Thank you for sharing it.
Hello Nobody,
It is with pleasure that I tell you, this is the first poem of it's kind that I truly liked.
I do love a good metaphorical poem. Usually, I prefer rhyme. This had me hooked from the beginning.
The punctuation and capitalization seems a bit hit or miss. This is easily solved.
Hello Sum1,
I am a novice writer of mostly rhymed poetry. I can only offer my honest opinion.
I rarely review lengthy projects. I am very glad to have read this one. The conclusion was surprising. I must give you credit. You had my full attention all the way to the end. Wouldn't it be lovely if we all had "The Answer"?
I didn't find any errors either. Also surprising. Very well done. I hope to read more of your work.
Hello Snder,
I really enjoyed this story. Isn't it funny that we try to medicate or eradicate what we don't comprehend?
I thought you might like to know that there are a few problems with punctuation. Although there are more, I have limited space so I will list a few to give you the idea.
Examples:
"her mother continued "Maybe" needs a comma after "continued".
"desolated spot" needs the d removed from the end of "desolate".
"on the top-left, it was not renewed unlike the other rooms" needs a period in place of the comma after "top-left" and capitalize "it" to begin a new sentence. You also need a comma after "renewed" and after "rooms".
Keep writing,
-Flash
Hello jackneigut,
This is a lovely story of faith in the face of tragedy. Well told with great imagery.
There are a couple of errors which are easily fixed.
Examples:
"Father ,and can see us" needs the comma immediately following "Father".
"not in sprit." needs i after p.
These do not diminish the value of this lovely piece, but I thought you would like to know.
Hello beetle,
I enjoyed this bit of a story. You have good imagery and a nice story line. I hope to see it continued.
I did find myself skimming through, to avoid the many punctuation errors, so I could finish the piece.
Examples:
"The hound was as white as the man, himself, was black—his skin was darker than any I’d ever seen," needs "himself" removed as it is unnecessary in the sentence and only serves to distract the reader from the flow. There should be a period after "black" as this is the natural end of the sentence. Eliminate the dash after "black" and capitalize "his" to begin the next sentence.
"Wherever he was from, I knew, it was" needs no comma after "knew".
These are just a couple to illustrate the issue. There are more but I have limited space to list them.
If you e-mail me, when edited, I will re-review and re-rate. I would enjoy reading this piece again in it's corrected form.
Hello River,
I had an experience much like this. You have really captured the essence of the impact a self-absorbed person can have on others. Sadly, they rarely can see it for themselves.
I did notice a few things that could be fixed:
"The first thing I knew she had arranged a trip to visit me, this involved an airplane" This should have a period after "airplane".
"I moved to a smaller place without a spare bedroom," This should have a comma after "place".
"Every summer just like clockwork Gayle" This should have a comma after "summer" and after "clockwork".
I enjoyed this story. Thanks for sharing it.
Keep writing,
-Flash
Hello.
This is a story which is all to familiar to most mothers. Good imagery and flow here.
It could use some corrections to punctuation.
Examples:
"I had left Kate, to look after him," needs the comma removed after "Kate"
" He is wearing a blue top and jeans, have you seen him." Needs period instead of comma after "jeans" and capitalize "have" for new sentence with a ? instead of period.
A bit of polishing and it will really shine.
Keep up the good work.
-Flash
Hello Sharon,
I like this poem. It's in the form I prefer (rhymed). It speaks of the Faith that only parents really understand.
A little sad but endearing. Thank you for sharing it.
Keep writing,
-Flash
Hello.
I am a novice writer of mostly rhymed poetry. I can only offer my honest opinion.
I enjoyed this piece. It strikes my mommy chord.
I was a bit detoured in the last stanza. Each previous established a four line prescription for immediate grasp of the intended reading rhythm. I believe it would help the reader to see two of the lines blended into the following ones like this: could that be her? See the smile on her face?
Run, run little boy so you can feel her embrace.
In addition, "so you can" when changed to "and" makes the syllable count match the previously established.
Just my humble opinion.
Thanks for sharing this lovely poem.
Keep writing,
-Flash
Hello.
I am a novice writer of mostly rhymed poetry. I am not a professional editor. All I can offer is my honest opinion.
I am pleasantly surprised. Though this poem is not the form I usually prefer (rhymed), I appreciate the flow of it. It is very well done.
I do think it could do with a bit of punctuation, as you established in the first stanza.
Thank you for sharing it.
Keep writing,
-Flash
Hello Doc,
I enjoyed this piece very much. A sad story of lost love. Great imagery and character building. Nice flow to the story. It feels like an introduction to a larger one.
It could do with a bit of proofreading and revision.
Example: "but he eyes kept returning to his face. There eyes kept..." He should be his, There should be Their.
There are a few missing commas and such. Simple fixes.
I would be happy to raise the rating if you e-mail me when corrected.
Thank you for sharing your work.
Keep writing,
-Flash
Hello James,
I am a novice writer of mostly rhymed poetry. I have no formal training. I can only offer my honest opinion.
I read this piece five times. It left me feeling like a dart board with darts in the wall, all around me.
I believe I am not the intended audience for this piece. Although I am a fan of complicated literary imagery, I felt as though I was groping in your "dark". Missing the point.
I applaud your vocabulary. Perhaps I will better connect with another of your works. I look forward to the opportunity. Sometimes reading multiple examples of an author is key to understanding the individual pieces.
I enjoyed this poem. Werewolves? Cool! Good imagery throughout the piece. It's in the form I prefer. Rhymed well.
Nice flow.
I did notice some punctuation problems that I will list here with corrections to aid you:
"Come with me nocturnal friends
to a howling on the moor,
share with me the shadows long
like no other night before." Needs comma after "friends" and a period rather than a comma after "moor". Capitalize
"share" to begin another sentence and comma after "long".
"The heath is rife with bloody prey
for the hunters need to feast,
the weak shall feed the famished
and be sated by the beast." Needs a comma after "prey" and a period rather than comma after "feast". Capitalize
"the" to begin a new sentence. "and be sated" should be changed to "and satiate" to indicate that the "beast"
is the one consuming the "weak".
"The night is young and we shall run,
fear not, the graveyard dead;
with fangs in deadly grimace, bared
quite soon we'll bathe in red." Needs a period rather than comma after "run". Capitalize "fear" and period rather than semicolon after "dead". Capitalize "with" and move comma from before "bared" to after.
There are more but I am out of space. You get the idea. E-mail me with corrections and I am happy to re-review and re-rate.
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