I'm a novice writer of mostly rhymed poetry. My skills are minimal. What I offer is simply my opinion.
I liked this work very much. It gives a glimpse of the pull some people have toward one-sided relationships.
I liked the reference to addiction.
There were a few small issues with punctuation and grammar:
"but her eyes are to glazed to see," should have a period instead of a comma.
"I know I could break her" needs a period.
"She loves to love romance," needs a period instead of a comma.
"nothing English," should be anything English.
"won't kill her," needs a period instead of a comma.
"but their your killer." should be they're instead of their.
I am unsure why some of the lines don't begin with capitalization, as the rest do.
With a little polishing, this piece will really shine. I hope these notes aid you in your endeavor.
Thank you for sharing your work. I look forward to reading more of it.
I'm a novice writer, of mostly poetry, with no formal training. I can only give you my honest opinion as feedback.
This was a gripping story. It had my full attention throughout. You left me wanting much more to answer my curiosity.
Well done!
I did have a small suggestion to improve the flow.
In this line: "and I turn to find Polaroid sliding under the door to me right" insert "a" before "Polaroid" and "picture" after it. This completes the imagery for the reader.
I would also like to see these sentences reversed in order of progression: "Why would I imagine such a thing? For an instant there I could perfectly picture the girl tied up to a chair, arms bound behind her back, gagged, blood dripping from the corners of her mouth, choking. 'Get out of here.'" The question can only be asked after the subject is known.
I did enjoy this story very much. I hope to read more of your work in the near future.
Keep writing,
I'm a novice writer of mostly poetry. Consider this as just my humble opinion.
I liked this simple poem. It pokes fun at a serious moment. "poke" Get it?
Most poems in this form have a rhythm that guides the reader in the flow.
This one does that until the last stanza. The next to last line breaks the rhythm.
Removing the word "such" would return the rhythm to the piece.
This piece is well worth a little polishing to really make it shine.
Thank you for sharing it.
I am a novice writer of mostly poetry. My reviewing skills are few.
I can tell you that I really enjoyed this poem. It has a beautiful flow
and lovely imagery.
I will point out that there is a noticeable lack of punctuation except at the very end.
Using it there rather begs it to be used throughout. I also noticed hit or miss
capitalization. These things did not prevent me from really liking this poem.
Hello, I am a novice poet and reviewer so please keep that in mind.
I very much enjoyed this poem. It is clear that you are homesick. It paints a delightful picture of the state you so love.
It was a bit distracting in the first stanza to see the same word (see) ending two different lines. I also kept stopping, starting and re-reading when the rhyme was mismatched. Example: Meets rhymed with tree.
I believe this poem merits a little polishing. Then it will be a true gem.
Hello. I very much enjoyed this short story. It definitely paints a picture of a military family.
For myself, I greatly appreciate when people find errors in my work. This makes me a better author. With that in mind, I hope this helps you.
Though I am in no way a professional editor, I submit a few corrections which can greatly enhance the reception of your lovely work.
The flow of thought was impeded, somewhat, by grammatical errors. I have listed them here with suggestions for improvement:
"bewitched by sight that their eyes beheld." Needs "the" before "sight". Needs "that" removed.
"The uniformed stood still stationary." Needs "and" after "still".
"but the color her face this time" Needs "of" before "her".
siblings’ Needs no apostrophe, as that denotes possession.
"the moment’s sublimity, I was willfully ignorant." Needs period after sublimity. These are two sentences.
"staring at each other, it was not my eyes" Needs period after "other. These are two sentences.
"my father found; with such intensity" Needs period after "found". Needs no semicolon after "found". "with" begins a new sentence.
"with such intensity it was as if they were reading each other’s minds." Needs comma after "intensity". "other’s" Correct use is others'.
"His stare said everything that I did not want to think about." Need to remove "that".
"Everything that I wanted to ignore was" Need to remove "that".
"As I stared into that pensive of steel a memory marched" By definition, I don't believe the use of "pensive" is correct here. Needs comma after "steel". Needs semicolon after "reminiscence".
"I looked back up and, this time," Needs no comma after "and".
"I could feel his arms hugging me as he always would do at the most random moments, which were in those moments that I needed a hug the most." Needs comma after "do". Needs "in those" replaced by "the". Needs "that" removed.
"If that memory was true then I could not afford to be weak;" Needs comma after "true". Needs no semicolon, but a period after "weak".
" I captured that emotion and I held it at bay." Needs the second "I" removed, as it is previously established.
"rifles were gone; the helmet" Needs period instead of semicolon.
"I turned to my mother, buried my face into her shirt and cried like the child used to be." Needs comma after "shirt". Needs "I" after "child".
Thank you for sharing this lovely story. Keep writing.
-Flash
Wow! If this is your personal experience, thank you for sharing it. It must be difficult to write your own pain.
Very well written. Awesome use of imagery. The feelings conveyed, have strong impact without use of strong language.
This is much appreciated.
This piece may serve the purpose of public service message, warning of the dangers of unsupervised toddlers near water.
I did not notice any spelling or grammatical errors. Well done.
Again, if this is your personal experience, my condolences.
-Flash
Hello Kymee,
I very much enjoyed this poem. You have delivered, in concise form, a complete story. Well done.
The flow is a little tricky. It's difficult to get the cadence right when the syllabic count differs between stanzas.
This is easily solved with a few synonym trades. I noticed the last stanza didn't rhyme as the first 5 had.
I don't know if that was intentional, to better convey the uncomfortable ending, or unintentional.
I am in no way a professional. I simply noticed a few things. Take it or leave it.
Either way, keep writing. You have a talent for it.
I look forward to reading more of your work.
-Flash
Wow! This is really cool! Innovative thinking.
I've never read anything like it.
I'm sure there must be things to fix, but I was so busy enjoying this piece that I didn't notice.
Great direction. Keep up the awesome work.
I look forward to seeing more like this.
-Flash
Hello. This is my kind of poetry. I am a beginner poet, so take this for what it's worth.
I like the imagery and the flow. I like the way you convey feeling.
I am a bit confused by the progression of the main thought.
What I understood, was that someone wrapped a present and left it for the post to deliver.
I am unsure if I got that right.
The last eight lines led me to think the package was there in the morning and then not there.
Keep writing. This has potential.
-Flash
Hah! This really gave me a giggle.
Well done! I too, am a fan of the rhyme.
Here, it was well used and effectively conveyed the addictive nature of online adventuring.
Have a really great day.
-Flash
This is a very moving piece.
It begs the reader to seek more than the snapshot here.
This story makes the reader tune in to their own feelings of inadequacy while drawing sympathy for this girl's personal struggle.
It has a few punctuation errors.
I am, myself, a beginner. I don't have the experience to fully point them out.
I very much like the flow of the material, as it slowly draws the reader into the character's reality.
Very well done! I hope to see much more of your work.
-Flash
Hello Magoo,
I very much enjoyed the poem and I believe, my granddaughters will too.
The line "he'll dress in green upon the scene" doesn't make sense to me.
I have a suggestion. How about "he'll dress in green you've never seen"?
Take it or leave it. I love the poem anyway.
Good work!
Hello,
I am a novice writer, with no formal training.
This is RIDICULOUSLY good! I despise cockroaches and yet, I couldn't stop reading to the end.
I was completely immersed in the story. I love the twist ending.
If this is an accurate representation of your work, I can't wait to read more.
Well done!
WOOOOOO!!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!!
This SOO sounds like one of our trips! :) It's easy to see that you love riding as much as we do.
A wonderful poetic tour through your memory.
Thanks for sharing.
-Flash
Hello.
I am just a novice poet, myself. I have no formal training.
You asked for feedback. Here is mine.
I like the thought you are conveying here. What I got from it, is that time is fleeting and we should not waste it.
Sometimes it does take a hard reality to "wake" us into action.
I will point out that you misspelled the word, "realization". Hey, it happens. I figured you would want to know.
My personal preference is that the rhythm (or cadence) presented in the first stanza, be repeated throughout the following stanzas.
To me, the cadence of the poem is like the heartbeat of the words. If it does not beat regularly, it is uncomfortable.
That being said, I do think the thought here deserves merit (and perhaps, a little polishing). Try using synonyms with different syllables
to fit the rhythm of the rest of the poem and still convey the same message.
Thank you for sharing your work. I hope you have many more to come.
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