I really like the imagery used in this peace (for ex. cave of clutter). It painted a clear picture, however, I got the sense that this was an historical setting? Was that your intention? If so you might want to expand the idea slightly, making it very clear.
Another BIG issue I found was the past/present tense incongruities. This is a big issue for editors and for general readers. While both are effective, sticking with one or the other makes a much much better piece.
For instance: I've had few sane thoughts...my once quick and determined mind has bled... HAD AND HAS are two different tenses. Another example was
..crept through the French country side...A din was coming...
it would have read better if you had said
...crept through the French country side...a din came...
Tense issues will jar a reader out of a story--I should know my Fiction professor caught me every time until I finally got it!!!
Cute. You use a well devised rythm in your poem that exemplifies humor very well. I can't help but wanting to know if he gets caught.
I had one question--there are nine beats per line except for the second to last which has eleven, this slowed me up slightly. Maybe this could be alleviated by increasing the last line by two beats--signaling that it is the end of the poem? Just an opinion of course.
The use of imagery (red orange etc) was wonderfully done, as was the use of falling symbolising dying.
For such a short piece it was very suspenseful and I was wondering until the very end whether he had jumped in actuality, had merely imagined jumping, or had jumped and survived. There were few mistakes I could see and the piece ran smoothly through transitions.
Good Job.
Wow, I really enjoyed your premise. A picture lover is a wonderful idea. I Did notice that in your dialogue between Sherry and Heather you used their names nearly in every spoken sentence. This makes the dialogue sound slightly stilted and false. Just removing their names from most of the dialogue would help your 'conversation' move much clearer.
I also liked how your main character lost her husband in a war, and then found her 'dream lover' in the guise of a long dead soldier, this helped to keep my interest throughout.
Also the first dream paragraph (Where am I PARAGRAPH) sounds a little underdeveloped. Maybe if you clear up how she felt when she woke up, instead of limiting it to the few sentences given.
All in all, you are a great writer, and i would definitely like to read more!
I liked the suspense you had built in such a short space of time, and I liked the way you moved your story along through the use of dialogue. But i will admit it took me several 'reads' to clearly understand what you were wanting to say.
Also she is coming across as vulnerable and niave, and he as forceful and arrogant, is that what was intended?
I liked your poem for the most part, but as it gained in length I felt it lost some of its effectiveness. i think this can be alleviated by either removing or simply relocating the stanza about:
MOther soon fell to sickness...
This whole stanza (and to some extent the next stanza) detract from the obvious love story between the night and the girl. it made me stop and ask myself: who is the poem about? the girl or her parents?
But you have a clever way with the romantic language of the poetry of fairy tales!
Author has a clear voice, great transitions, and wonderfully interesting topic. I would like to see more.
Writer uses the symbolism of the pig very well and it is repeated throughout the article.
However, the ending--year of the pig, detracts in some ways from the earlier use of the term PIG. The negative connotations of the earlier usuage don't support the ending of this article.
Not to say that i didn't enjoy article though, and would definitely read more!!
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