What a delicious Story! It actually reminds me of times with my family in New York. This story creates a very cozy and familiar time spent with the family. I think it flowed well, but maybe was a little short. You open up a huge opportunity for characters when you bring up family.
I guess that I would have liked to seen some specific characters, like cranky old grandpa, who fussed the whole trip about how cold it was, then fell down on the ice and gave an unexpected roar of laughter. We all laughed, we'll sure miss grandpa. (Now that's just sick, isn't it?)
I think that in the first paragraph, when you said "...then plan on the weather being bad." It would flow better as "...then plan on bad weather. The beginning of the third paragraph is cute. I can remember many nights at grandma's house giggling in the dark.
What a great way for everyone to come together. Food works every time. This story is cute, fun and delicious! Thank You!
And thank you for your in depth reviews. I am glad that I had the opportunity to return the favor.
I love the construction season part-cute! This was a very enjoyable capture of a family experience.
Wow! This is a great prose! It needs no rhyming, shocking words or gimmick, it is powerful in its own sense. At first you describe a tattooed man, which instantly brings up thoughts of a person who has had a rough life, a hardened criminal, or a person with little concern of their health and body. Then you turn the tattoo into a scar of things past. The one in particular is a scar of a debt that he could not pay himself and it was his most valuable one. Great!
I have a few things I want to point out that maybe could be improved.
Third stanza, I think the semi-rhyme is accidental, but I think that it actually cheapens the appeal of this unique prose. Maybe "...it was radiant and beautiful" or something that doesn't have a semi-rhyme to it would work better as the third line.
Stanza 4, "Like beautiful fireflies on an evening in June" Avoids the abbreviation.
YHWH tends to stumble the reader. It may be necessary though.
"So I asked about this tattoo. Or that one." I would make this one sentence.
"...With very little response" would probably work better, because it is not you talking.
"or a son sacrificed" ? don't you mean and?
WOW! Great Prose! Wonderful! I really enjoyed it! Thank You.
If you have a chance, please take a look at one of my screenplays. It is a comedy animated series that is set in the future on board a wooden spaceship that is held together with duct tape. Let me know what you think!
Interesting. There were some moments that were enjoyable and others that left me scratching my head. It's OK because my head just itches sometimes.
About your warning, not everyone is going to get your ideas. It takes time to work on the skill of communication. Even when you are at the top of your game, you will only be able to connect to some people. So keep writing and get your stuff out there. People will give you feedback and you can use it to grow.
The we don't have a pool, was cute, that wasn't Roger seemed out of place, but if you would have said; "this isn't my house." as a finisher the three together would work nicely. Then of course the towel falls off and a woman screams: Bill! there's a naked stranger in our house!
Bill (Who we thought was Roger) I know, me and naked dude are going out for some lunch, its alright.
That might be funny, or not. Its just an idea.
I was kind of surprised by the language in the end. The use of this language really restricts the audience you can present to and within that audience, you restrict who is going to respond well to your work. I'd nix it.
I hope this helps. Don't give up because some people don't "get it" most people won't anyway.
If you get a chance, please read one of my screenplays. They are comedy scripts written for an animated series. I am looking for some feedback. Thank You.
I think the story was a little weak. At first I was imagining the stove's door opening up as his mouth, and the sink was talking with its drain. This was dashed by the girl opening the stove and it still talks. The girl doesn't hear or affect the conversation in anyway.
Overall, the characters are missing personality. What if the stove was always short fused and accused of being "hot headed"? The stove retaliates by saying more garbage comes out of the sinks mouth than goes down it.
Stove: Someone please turn on the garbage disposal! Everything you say is garbage.
Sink: Shut your door, everything that comes out of your mouth is hot air! Go burn a roast, hot head.
I don't know. If your characters have more personality, the play will often "write itself". I thought it was crippling when the stove said that he has no arms. Now that your characters actually showed some emotion, they can not do anything. The Honolulu part is a perfect time for the "full of hot air" line because the sink thinks the stove is lying. Thank You
I hope this helps.
If you get a chance, please take a look at one of my screenplays. I am really looking for some feedback. They are comedy screenplays written for an animated series that I am producing. Thank You!
Cute story with an unexpected twist at the end. I liked the banter and it was cute how Rebecca appeared out of place yet was totally obsessed with Star Wars as well.
I was hoping for some more cute Star Wars obsessed banter like; Rebecca cringes as Steve scratches his unshaven face;
Rebecca: Gee Chewy, shave much?
Steve: What?
Rebecca: Your face looks like Chewbacca's ass.
Steve: What about you princess Leia?
Rebecca: What about me?
Steve: Uh... I got nothing, you look awesome. So does the name Leia indicate anything about your tendencies towards me right now?
Rebecca: Just call me Princess Aint in the mood.
I liked the Pepsi / feet thing. It was cute and I could kind of get into the personalities of your characters. But then it just kept going on about Star Wars things that I have no knowledge of, probably because I never read the books. Chewy is dead? Dang!
I think that a little of that broadens people's horizons, but you need to mix in some humor that even non SW fans can appreciate. I thought the comparison to the dark side was cute and the ending not only violated Steve's precious item, but also reinforced his stand that Pepsi USED to taste like feet. Thank You.
I hope this helps.
If you get a chance, I would love it if you read one of my screenplays. They are comedy animation scripts set in the future on board a spaceship. It may be right up your alley. I am looking for criticism. Thank You.
This was a little jumpy and very short. I was hoping for more detail especially in how Savannah feels when she sings.
She thinks this might be her "new talent"? What are her other talents or past talents?
You say "...most of you do. I do ok at it and she loves doing it." At this point I don't know who you are and your user name is Savannah Banana, so it seems as if you are talking in third person, by talking about yourself.
Cute story, I think it needs a little work to get your message across more clearly. Thanks!
This is the beginning of what could be a very nice book. I have listed some things below that may help you. I am a pretty brutal critic, so just take it as me trying to help. Thank You.
In the first paragraph, did you mean she was in front of you in the queue? Like she was in front of you in line?
It almost sounds a little creepy when you continue to watch this woman aboard flight 201. I think if you would have described other things that happened as you enter the plane, then notice her again, maybe this would seem to be more of a familiar and normal occurrence to readers. I have many times noticed a striking woman and then noticed the same woman again later. I try not to let it interfere with my living though.
I think I would say "Is it natural or the result of rhinoplasty."
She supported herself DURING college may be less redundant.
Instead of Miss Anything, I would try to find a name of a Pilipino island that sounds very remote. for interest.
"I would never consider myself beauty pageant material" may work better here.
Maybe instead of saying I can see she is... ...all snarled up in the past, maybe say "probably snarled up in the past" because this is your assumption. also the word Tangled may work better than snarled, which is not used so frequently.
...smoke in the cabin, she..." Eliminate she.
I think you doubled up when you said brings back a feeling of deja vu. You are brining back feelings, which is the sensation known as deja vu.
Maybe you say that this stare is somehow familiar and describe the feelings it creates or stirs up inside of you.
When you describe the pumice-covered landscape, you say appearance and then ...look to it. Maybe with an eerie feel to it would be less redundant. Also this is very conflicting imagery. You may want to give more detail of why it is eerie at all.
maybe instead of breathing gently from its throat, say from THE VOLCANO'S throat. This would make it more obvious that you are using metaphor.
...strange and mysterious, happened... Eliminate the comma, it is breaking up the flow of the sentence and is unnecessary.
There is no closure on the mysterious woman, but this is only part of the story I take it. She may be one of the father's mistresses, who knows? I think this is a great start and I would like to read more. I hope my criticism is helpful and will allow you to improve your story.
I hope this helps. Thank You.
If you get a chance, please review one of my screenplays. Thank You.
The poem flows well and is overall a nice motivator.
The first stanza by itself I could see in white letters over top a picture of wooden toys in Santa's factory. It is cute and broad and could be applied to many things. The second Stanza is also good and leads into a completion stanza that doesn't deliver. The third stanza does not give the feeling of completion of the project and a little tweaking could make it happen. The final two lines have nothing to do with the rest of the poem and shift focus to people with no connection to the project.
I think the poem should end with the project being completed and the gratification that comes with that.
The punctuation seems very random. I think that commas would do the trick in most cases. You also capitalize each line even if it is in the middle of a sentence, which signifies the beginning of a new thought.
I hope this helps. Thank You.
If you get a chance, please review one of my screenplays. Thank You.
This is a cute little story, it plays out like an intro. I suspect that you have more to come as you listed characters in the beginning that were not in the screenplay. I would be a little more descriptive when opening the scene. I didn't know these kids were six until almost the last few lines.
The language is actually a little sophisticated for six year olds, I don't think you need to tweak it too much, but you could make it more cutsie. "Pwomise me we always be friends." "I Pwomise" May be more what you could expect. Or maybe Taylor talks way beyond her years, because she is so smart.
My daughter is six and I know what she means, but she doesn’t speak in full adult sentences like the ones you describe. It is so cute to see her say silly things. Little kids are adorable because of the cute little mistakes they make when trying to be "big people".
Character sketch for Kate - I think you meant "...easily BE manipulated"
Why do you say YOUNG before each character name? Are you indicating that this is a flashback?
Again, a cute little intro. I will look at your other work to see if you have more parts of this story.
I hope this helps. Thank You.
If you get a chance, please read one of my scripts. I am working on a screenplay for an adult swim style cartoon. Thank You.
This is a fun little story. The opening line is great!
I think it would add to your story if you send your audience to the old supply store first, to teach them..."If you smell old rotten school supplies, the smell of pencils that have already been chewed on and a real heavy odor of gum, but no gum is to be found, good. Never go there again. That is a used office supply store!" or something like that. Give your story a little twist!
Right after you say that expensiveness assures quality, indicate a cute story to the opposite appeal. "My notebook is the most expensive piece of crap that has ever fallen apart while being written on. I would never put it down for a second." it says that quality also matters, but you love your expensive crap.
"for you nerd box" needs to be "for your nerd box" I would then describe how a young man, proud of his rainbow box gets beaten with the same 5 star notebook by a bunch of sissy girls. Then you can warn men that these are suggested colors for women only.
Exaggerate on how dangerous it is, give a cute story of how someone got trampled by middle school kids trying to get the last Hello Kitty notebook, or how a guy was beaten to death while picking up a pink notebook for his girlfriend or even some gruesome statistics about how many limbs are lost, bruises gained, or deaths are the cause of bad shopping skills.
Make sure that you tell them the guide book can only be found at the back of the used school supply store!
I think this was a cute story, but could use a little more umph and fun! Get creative with it and let your mind go places. The more serious it sounds, when the subject is ridicules, the funnier it is sometimes. Warning! Office supply stores all over America are running out of pink fluffy pens! AAAGH!!! Thank You.
I hope this helps. Thank You.
If you get a chance, please look over one of my screen plays. Star Commander is an animated series that I am producing and I want some feedback on the scripts before I go into production. Thank You.
In stanza one, I think that blond is unnecessary. It takes away from the focus of head being a metaphor for his inner self.
"seen only by me" seems forced and unnatural for a young boy.
Stanza 3, I would switch the top two lines and adjust them to continue the flow.
Mom patted his head and gave a not,
although she thought it was quite odd
I feel stanza 4 shows weakness in the rhymes chosen.
Stanza 5 loses the rhythm that was present and a very strong point in the rest of the poem.
Again in stanza 6 the first two lines especially, the rhyming is weak and the rhythm is disturbed.
I think the closing stanza is good. I do wish that the bike had been mentioned before, maybe even as one of the odd things that he does constantly outside.
I think this is a nice and fun poem. It seems to be geared more toward elementary children and their parents. I would add more sophistication to the rhyming if you want to hold the interest of a broader crowd.
I hope this helps. Thank You.
If you get a chance, please review one of my screen plays. Thank You.
You seem to be very passionate about the paintings you saw. The poem flowed well and was very descriptive.
I did feel however, that the beginning and the ending of the poem appeared to be less like poetry and more like a report. I think that weakens the poem.
You may want to elude to the artist or refer to him as a passionate soul, instead of a talented and original artist. We all know his work and know he is talented, how do you feel when you see his work? How did he feel when he painted it? It is less about knowing where to put each brush stroke and more about conveying a feeling.
The format threw me a little. I would punctuate less or just use commas and don't start each line with a capital. This gives the impression that one thought is over and the next one has begun. The poem would flow better as fragments, or few sentences.
Over all, I feel the middle of the poem was the strongest and if the beginning and the end can follow suit, you will have a winner.
I hope this helps. Thank you.
If you have a chance please read one of my screen plays. Thank You.
This is a lovely poem of what could have been. I think it flows well, has interesting characters and has a healthy tempo. I am a little confused by the trees talking, but the introduction does allude to a dream, an imagined thought, or an untruth.
In the third stanza I do not understand the use of the word electrified. This is a word used to represent power, explosion, or intense excitement, but it didn't seem to fit here. I think maybe the word "intrigued" would work better.
With the trees having so much personification, I would have expected a reaction from the tree in stanza 4.
..."our grand children and theirs" to me indicates that you go from child to grand child, to their grand children and skip a generation. Maybe "their children and theirs" would be less confusing.
I do not understand the spring of our summer, but this is a good stanza. “Old friends just met” is a good line here with several meanings.
Stanza nine indicates a dance of balance. This makes me think it is a wrestling match or a metaphor for something other than a dance. It is referred to yet again as a dance in stanza twelve with little indication that it was a metaphor at all.
This was a very nice poem. It had several stanzas that I had to reread several times to get their meaning, and it was with meaning and worth it. This may just be me, other readers may find the meaning more apparent.
I hope this helps. Thank You
If you get a chance please take a look at one of my screen plays. Thank You.
I think this story is pretty funny. It was not because of a cheap gag or a one liner, it has real interesting characters and unexpected exploding birds, which is just funny as hell. I do think that it stopped abruptly. If the ending tied in with the beginning more, that would kind of clue the reader in that the story has closure. Even a simple indicator that the cabby is impatient in the beginning and having him honk in the end, or it could be an impatient spouse for more urgency and drama. The customer could make a comment about how he's gonna dread going back to his nasty wife. He could say, "Hey Tony, could you try that trick on my wife? Apparently I've ruffled her feathers."
-Geoff Cook
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