Thank you for posting in Goghvinci’s Review in the Sky.
Initially, when I saw the size of this chapter, I was shocked. Indeed, like what you said, it’s very long. However, upon reading it, everything was smooth and imaginative that it didn’t feel very long at all. Good job in creating a great start.
{{b}PLOT
~ Very clear introduction in the beginning. And there’s where my first complaint starts. The description in the beginning, it felt as though you’re trying hard to explain. I know it’s a fantasy world, so I’ll be expecting something out of the ordinary that is ordinary in the story. It felt too much like an explanation rather than just telling a story.
~ Maybe you can try not using brackets in your story. I know that it’s used for a more in-depth explanation, but for me, it ruined the story-telling quality.
~ However, I would like to applaud you for the poem right in the beginning. I realized it told of a brief description of all the key characters. Very good job there. It gave me something to look forward to and anticipate. In the end, I figured the first two stanzas were referring to Wind-Chaser and Rip-Tide.
~ Overall, the story was not rushed through nor was it too laid back. It was just right. There was also excitement where it was meant to be. I am referring to that part where Wind-Chaser had the dream at the Singing Skies. That part was my favourite part in the whole story. It caught my breath as I raced along her in the dream, looking at one transformation after another. Good job.
~ Did you created from scratch the belief on the universe and Abayten? If yes, then congratulations. That part of the story was marvelous. It was very original, I never heard it been told that way before.
~ The end to this first chapter was very apt. It closed this chapter and prepared me for more to come.
{{b}DIALOGUE
~ Lacked some fantasy quality to it. Wind-Chaser and Rip-Tide spoke like two teenagers in our world. Unless that was what you were aiming for, then I have no complaint.
~ All was very smooth, contributed to the easy read.
~ All those “prophecies” that Wind-Chaser kept on hearing was very cool. It really struck off my curiosity and I can’t wait to find out what it was really all about.
~ Guess what. I still don’t get the joke on the Sayhlu in the tavern. But cute joke.
~ The greetings they used when they meet each other, did you create that as well? It was very nice.
{{b}CHARACTERIZATION/b}
~ Good job here. All very believable characters. These main characters are ones I will root and cheer for.
~ Great and unique names. I like how it was always double worded. Reminded me of the names that were normally given to horses.
~ Why unicorns? Why use a fantasy creature and give it human qualities? You certainly are not lacking in the creative department, so why didn’t you think of creating qualities that is really for unicorns? It seemed silly to me for a unicorn to knock on doors, to live in houses, to wear clothes and to walk on two legs. I feel that unicorns are too majestic to be walking on two legs like mere humans. When I read the story and created a mental picture in my mind, I had a hard time and was reluctant to imagine that.
~ I’m sorry if I sound a little harsh, but to me, this area lacked some originality.
{{b}THINGS I LIKE
~ All the poems.
~ The humour you put in. It was really funny.
~ The qualities in the characters. In comparison, I’m rooting for Rip-Tide more.
~ Your imagination in this fantasy world.
~ All your description; on the surroundings, actions and characters. The way you form the words, it all created very clear and vivid images for me. Great!!
~ Rip-Tide’s background. I felt sad for him when his grandparents were missing.
{{b}THINGS I DON’T LIKE
~ The major one was like I said before, the part on these creatures having human-like qualities.
~ The part when there was fire. I didn’t really feel the urgency of the moment.
~ Wind-Chaser’s mother. I absolutely feel nothing for her. I didn’t even feel sad when it was known she might or might not have died.
~ The king. He was alright at first, but foolish for not listening to the main character. Just joking.
{{b}SUGGESTIONS
~ Up to you to accept my comments or not. I don’t really have any suggestions except write on!!
A big THANK YOU for participating in
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