This is all right for a beginning, I guess, though I am not very fond of stories in the first person's point of view.
I can't really say much about the story, because there wasn't any plot in the first place. You just used the first chapter for the introduction of the character.
So far so good.
I like the way you described the character's infatuation with basketball. I noticed that you didn't mention what kind of sport is it that he played, beside typing it in the title.
You're very good with words, the way you described the court like a shrine to the character.
I can't wait for the rest to come. Drop me a mail when you have more, I like basketball stories.
In the beginning, I didn't really see the point of this story. I thought it's another abstract story with no means at all.
But as I finished the story, I realised how beautiful you meant for it to be. And it was, beautiful.
The emotion was delivered very well, very poignant. I especially like the part where he cried. The second last paragraph was where I started to piece the story together.
Keep on writing such beautiful pieces. One is definitely not enough.
But I think I'd like it better if you didn't reveal in the title that it's a story about a poet and a ghost. Ironically, it's the title that attracted me in the fist place. The fact that Yumi was a ghost should be a twist, but this twist was not really shocking anymore.
Another thing I found lacking was the poet's reaction when he foud out that Yumi was a ghost. Maybe it's because of the fact that I'm a romantic, but I'd prefer it if he mourned or felt regretful over love lost.
Now that the bad part is over, I wish to praise you on your superb way of writing. From the way you form your words, I can actually feel the peace and tranquility around the characters in the story, mainly the poet.
When you describe his dark world, I felt the silence and loneliness around him. Furthermore, all these had a delightful Japanese taste to it.
You delivered the heartbreak of betrayal from people you trust the most very well.
The transformation and development of the characters were very well protrayed, i can actually imagine a good looking boy suddenly transformed into a monster.
However, I think the thing you need to work on is paragraphing. Make paragraphs!
Everything was so packed, that I always missed some lines. Besides providing a good read, make it a comfortable one as well.
With a bit of space from paragraphing, the eyes got some resting spot. With so many word and no space, I got a bit dizzy from reading.
Happy writing!
-goghvinci-
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/goghvinci/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 4:24pm on May 04, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
