Remember, this is your story, everything i’ve said below are just suggestions!
The Adventures of Marty Mask
Chapter 1
mikethecruel
plot: Interesting plot here, obviously Marty is some sort of undercover police officer. It will be interesting to see how David handles this, erm, surprising revolation. Its also interesting how your world is made of animals and the like. However, I think it could have been more interesting if you were to remove the guns and things, and instead have them use their own bodies as weapons.
characters: You’ve got a few neat characters here so far. This Marty is interesting.
grammar: Not many problems that i could see
style/voice: I like the way you’ve portrayed your world, you’ve got a very original tone of voice in your story that makes me want to keep reading.
setting: I thought you could have used a bit more descriptions of the settings and the like, but overall quite good.
overall: Your story is an interesting and very original one. I’m interested to see where this is going. Another thought is that the city could be divided into three levels – the third being underground (As a lot of animals live underground). Anyway, i enjoyed reading this. Write on!
Comments below in bold:
The story begins in the humble dwelling of David Wilkins the cat, who lived on the sixth floor of an apartment building which was set in the very heart of the booming metropolis Geltempo City. David back was black and grey striped coat. His front side was white which ran up along his body until it ended in a splash between his eyes.
- long fur or short? Colour of his eyes? Any scars? Just because he’s a cat doesn’t mean he shouldn’t have lots of description
(enter}
Geltempo City was divided into two sections. These sections were not divided all on land but rather vertically, from top to bottom. There was Upper-Level Geltempo which began about seven hundred feet up and was mostly dominated by birds and other flying beast(s). Metal sidewalks with guardrails stretched out from building to building forming complex lattice throughout Upper-Level for those who were to tired to, or couldn't(,) fly. Under Upper-Level was Ground-Level Geltempo were all the land bound creatures, such as David, dwelled. Most of the creatures in Geltempo kept to their own respective levels (though cats, who were very fond of high places, often visited, went on vacation to, or lived in Upper-level) allowing all the inhabitants to coexist, for the most part, peacefully.
Today was not David's day. His girlfriend no longer able to put up with his
unemployment had recently broken up with him. Also, he was barely able to scrape by on his rent this month.
His (he) had crashed on the couch that night and turned on the TV, not really caring what was on, and begun to give himself a cat bath when a knock sounded at his door.
A raccoon was standing in the doorway when he answered it. Though he was of an average build, he cut a very tough figure. His left ear stood taller than his right which looked like half of it had been hacked off. A strong smelling cigar hung limply from his mouth sending a lazy trail of smoke into the air.
- Once again, there can be other descriptions here. Was his tail long or short? Striped? etc
"I heard you were looking for a roommate." He said.
If he could some how get behind himself, David would have kicked himself hard for not cleaning up the place. Realizing that he couldn't afford to be just scraping by on the every month, he put an ad in the newspaper for a roommate. He tried to keep the place clean, but it had been two weeks and no one had contacted him about it. And gradually he began to let the place slip back to its usual messiness.
"Okay then, um.. Come in." He said
The raccoon strolled in and stuck out his paw.
"Marty Mask"
"David Wilkins" David answered accepting it. He winced a little when he felt Marty's viselike grip.
"Gee, I wish you had called before you came here. I would have tried to get the place ready."
"So what? This is what it'll be looking like if I start living here." Marty said kicking aside a pizza box. Then sensing David's agitation he smiled and said. "Don't worry, when you see how messy I am you'll be ready to kick me out. So are you going to show me around?"
David gave him a quick tour of the apartment. He(instead of he, marty, since you just used David in the previous sentence, making it confusing) decided to accept the offer and move in. The next week he began to move is stuff in. He had a box full of miscellaneous objects and a large oak desk. Looking at the clothes he usually wore, a faded t shirt and some slightly ragged looking jeans, he didn't strike David as exactly a fashion fanatic, but the bulk of his possessions were clothes. He brought in at least five boxes full of clothes.
He helped Marty cram the last of it in his closet and got a glimpse of the type of clothes they were. He had clothing for every type of occasion you could think of. He had everything from very expensive tailor-made suits to dirty looking holey clothes that looked like something only a street bum would be caught wearing. David commented on his enormous wardrobe. Marty's only responded by saying that he needed a wide variety of clothes to choose from in his line of work.
David didn't know exactly what Marty's occupation was but after a week or two he began to grow very curious. Very often beasts of various species knocked on his door asking to talk with Marty Mask. He tried asking Marty about it but he was again elusive in his answer by only saying that they were his clients.
No matter how late he arrived at the apartment at night, Marty would always be up at the crack of dawn to take his morning walk. Then he would fix a pot of coffee and some breakfast while he turned on the morning news. That was about around the time David woke up. About around ten o'clock after this morning ritual he began working.
He would then often disappear off somewhere in the city, wearing one of his
various outfits. Sometimes he came back as late as after midnight. When he came back, he would shut himself up in his room/office and demand total quiet. After an hour or two if it wasn't too late and he didn't get any more clients, he would come out and watch TV for the rest of the day.
David's curiosity turned into alarm when one day, about a month after Marty moved in, he spied him getting ready to leave the house dressed in a waiter uniform and loading a revolver and slipping it in a holster concealed in his coat.
Now the crime rate all throughout Geltempo City was very high especially around the area David lived in. It was something that Geraldo Spike, Geltempo's Ground-Level porcupine mayor, spent countless hours trying to think of a solution for, or at least something that would at least temporarily stop the seemingly endless barrage of complaints that pored in every day. There were plenty of gangs ravaging the streets at night and there were even a few organized crime groups headed by much older and sinister beasts then the juvenile delinquents that only dealt in petty crimes. David knew there was no place in Geltempo that was completely safe from crime but David definitely wasn't going to share his apartment with a criminal.
- I dunno, in such a shifty city I would wonder whether Marty is carrying a gun for protect
The next morning he woke up with the resolve to confront Marty and demand to know exactly just what his job was but he had already left on his morning walk. So he began to make breakfast as he waited for him to return. It was then (when) a furious pounding sounded at the door. When he went to open it, he almost fainted as he was assailed by a blast of fowl breath and flecks of spit.
"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO KEEP YOUR SNOUT OUT OF MY BUSINESS YOU ROTTEN RACCOON!!!"
It was then that the huge horned lizard realized that David wasn't a raccoon.
"Where's the raccoon?"
"Look buddy, Marty said he doesn't talk to any clients before 10 o'clock and I'll tell you another thing, I don't appreciate you banging on my door like that and spraying your slobber all over me especially this early in the morn-"
"Now you listen to me fleabag, when that raccoon gets here, you tell him that Bart said that when we catch up with him, me and my whole gang is gonna make a cap out of him!"
David was beginning not to like this lizard. "Now you listen to me reptile, I don't know who you are or what your problem with Marty is but if you come here banging on my door and calling me a fleabag again, I will give you a good slashing! Now get lost and buy yourself a mint while you're at it." He growled at him fully displaying his claws. He hissed at him and was about to slam the door in his face when they both heard a voice from the hallway.
"Ernie, what a pleasant surprise. You came (you = to) see me I understand?"
Ernie whirled around to see Marty strolling leisurely up to the door.
"You!" He shouted after he recovered from his surprise. "I told you to stay out of my business and I still find out that you've been snooping around my house again, probably got it infested with fleas, and I know you were spying on me at the restaurant."
"Well if that's what you're so worked up about then I have some good news and not so good news for you, The good news is I found out all I needed to know and I will not be anywhere near your filthy house again. So you can rest easy, But the not so good news is you'll only be able to rest easy for a few hours because pretty soon you'll probably be arrested for the murder of Gregory Slithers."
When Marty said that last part Ernie stepped back in surprise. Which David would have preferred he didn't because it brought the lizard over the threshold and into his apartment.
"Well I suppose that means you found out." Ernie snarled. He suddenly shoved past Marty. At first David thought he was trying to run away. But he stopped behind Marty and reached in his coat and pulled out a gun. He pointed in Marty's face who had just whirled around.
"Alright both of you get your paws up and get in the apartment now!"
Marty's face betrayed no emotion as he slowly raised his paws in the air and stepped in the apartment.
"I was just going to beat you up but I see I'm going to have to do more than that now! Hey cat!" He said pointing the gun at David. "Get those paws up."
"Look I-I don't know w-what this is a-all about." David stammered quickly. "B-but I'm j-just his roommate. I don't have any t-thing to do with-"
"I SAID 'SHUT UP AND GET THOSE PAWS UP!!'"
Suddenly Marty lunged forward and grabbed the claw that was clutching the gun.
"Get your flea-ridden paws off me you mammal scum!" Ernie grunted as they struggled for control of the gun. The gun went with off a loud bang but Marty was able to push Ernie's arm so that the bullet flew harmlessly to the right breaking a lamp.
The shot seemed to galvanize David into action. Popping his claws out, he slashed at Ernie across the face. Crying out in pain, Ernie dropped his gun and clutched at his wound. With almost blurring speed Marty picked the gun up and before he knew it Ernie was staring down the barrel of his own gun.
{b]- maybe replace a few guns with ‘weapon’ and the like to avoid repeats
"Make one move and I put a bullet right through your head." Marty said.
Suddenly the door busted and a doberman cop in plan clothes and three other dogs in uniforms burst through the door with guns in their paws.
"Alright everyone freeze! GPD!!." The doberman shouted.
, "Well Anya, You took your time getting here, as usual." Marty said to the doberman.
"Maybe I was hoping scale-face over here might plug you." Anya said motioning for a golden retriever to put Ernie in cuffs. The lizard knew that the game was up so he initiated his body's most primitive defense mechanism, he hit the dog squarely in the face with a steam of blood he shot from the corner of his eye. As the dog let go of him to frantically wipe his face, he made one last desperate dash for the door, but he never made it past Anya who bought the butt of her gun down hard on Ernie's head. With a grunt Ernie fell over and crashed into David's glass coffee table shattering it into a million tiny pieces.
"Let's see if you can cuff him right this time." She growled at the retriever. She turned to Marty. "As for you, you got a lot of explaining to do."
David was staring in horror at his coffee table, which now laid in ruins. It was a birthday present from his mom. She would not be happy to see it gone the next time she visited.
"See," Marty said. "Told you I was messier than you are."
- lol, nice one!
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