I really enjoyed this! It was far from the "psychotic jibbering" I had expected from the description. You evoke some wonderful imagery--nicely dark and gothic.
I love the last 3 lines: A harbinger of Chaos
Love me for what I'm not
And hate me for what I am.
My recommendation: a better title and description! Great work!
This is a very well described first chapter. I can see Rygel and his surroundings clearly. It does have a few grammatical errors (pointed out below).
Rygel's eyes burned in the blowing sand I think you mean Rygel's eyes burned from the blowing sand.
a pair of grease caked pistons You need a dash between grease-caked.
an old Scavvie who's eyes who's should be whose.
Poor Strider would have to wait for at least another hour before his next installment of Life. Is this implying more than stopping for food and water?
If I don't watch it, I may grow to like it here. This line should be in italics (or otherwise distinguished from the rest of this story) since you shift POV to first person.
What is this Plasma Rygel channels?
I'd like to read about the three massive hulks (Outsiders) Rygel attacks. What are they and what do they look like?
At the beginning, I got the impression Rygel was more or less human...but he has serpentine arms and leeches? This is probably something you go into detail about later.
Rygel have him two large mouthfuls Do you mean Rygel gave him two large mouthfuls?
These "powers" Rygel has are a little confusing right now, and I think it will be cleared up with further reading. I do see a great deal of plot potential, so this chapter is definitely headed in the right direction.
Iambic tetrameter and a clear rhyme scheme? Wow, you've done a great job with this poem! It really captures kittens' behavior without coming across too scattered. This is clever and easy to understand. Alas, I have no suggestions for its improvement, so it is defintely deserving of a 5 star rating. Kudos...I give out very few!
You write, "My full bosoms"-->this implies more than one. Bosom is typically used in the singular, unless she really has more than one set.
My eyes, the gold-flecked silver of our line. The gold flecks danced in the early light of the rising of Oasen our second sun. You use gold fleck twice here. Remember variety is the spice of life. Even if it does mean the same thing, try to use another description for one of them.
"I am Sharine, of the BloodRose line. Who are you?" It seems the lines are obvious to the people since their characteristics are so distinct. So why would they say what line they come from? It seems almost excessively formal.
People keep calling Sharine 'little one.' How old is 'one hundred seasons'? Anything like turning 16?
it was rare for families to mingle With the wars over, why?
My silver and gold flecked eyes same phrase used again
How does Sharine feel while inside the Bud? Scared? Awed? Describe her mental state.
The death of the BloodRose sounds like bad news to me. If their people were meant to hunt to feed, why did they even create the BloodRose so long ago? In the beginning you write so there would never be hunger again.
Plotwise, I'm not sure where this story is headed (as far as the continuation goes).
Cool ending to this piece!
I look forward to reading BloodChild, your continuation.
The poll question is kind of ambiguous. How do we know the man on the corner is Jesus? Because he says he is? Because he looks like we expect him to? Because a true believer would know him when they see him?
I ask because I've known a few people who look as I imagine Jesus did, so I'd never think to myself "Oh, that's Jesus." And if someone said, "Hey, I'm Jesus," most people wouldn't take him seriously at all.
Set the scene. Tell us how we meet Jesus: the circumstances around it. I think it would make for a more meaningful poll.
Not quite as developed as the first chapter, but a good read. Lots of action here.
"We were going to ask you the same question."--Who says this line?
"You are no wizard?" Caleath enquired.--Not quite following this line; perhaps it should be a statement rather than a question.
--You haven't described Gai very much. She's obviously older than Gwilt, but how much? Are their parents dead? What does she think about all that's happened?
"Gwilt, not you. I want you to help me here." She took charge with the certainty her word was law. "Caleath, I insist you allow me to treat your injuries." She offered him her hand as she helped him to his feet. "Really, I don’t know what possesses some people. Do they think they are indestructible?"
"Nanobots!" Caleath cursed, "He said they wouldn’t help this time."
"What? Who was he?" Gwilt asked as Chesney and Kel exited the cottage in silence, unfazed by their curt dismissal.
Sunshine and warmth of the autumn day beckoned and with Chesney’s store of tales ready for retelling Kel lead the way to where they could do ‘something useful’ in relative peace. This passage doesn't flow very well. Help the reader by adding more transitional information (like Caleath staring into the distance with his mind elsewhere and the others overhearing his words and perplexed by them).
--Why have Rybolt destroy Caleath's nanobots if he can replace them so easily (since he has a flask of them)? Why not just make their encounter an intense fight to the death?
"I warn you, Sarran. I believe you are of the Ithaki. When your mother died, the Regency sent an investigation team to Rampart 6. I was interviewed along with everyone who knew you, rather than your mother’s friends. The Regency representative was looking for you, Sarran. You had been gone for nearly one rotation. There is no proof, but why would one of the Regency care about just any human?"
"Consider if the Regency finds you here. It is less than one old-earth year before we would reach maturity. Consider the cost this planet would pay if you were found here!" The reader needs more background information on these aliens because I find this exceptionally difficult to follow. Your later explaination helps, but we need more to go on.
"He is an alien, we have that in common." Caleath gave in brusque explanation. "I doubt you will see his type again." Chesney doesn't think this comment is a little bit odd?
"By the Balls of the Hairy Goat."--This has to be the weirdest explicative I've ever heard! =)
--I'd like to hear a description of Lachlan as well as Elensor. Is Elensor a menacing warlord type? What impression does Caleath get of Lachlan?
A little more work, and this chapter will really set the stage for the action sure to follow.
Sci-fi meets fantasy! I love the notion...you get the best of both worlds.
--I'd like to hear more description of the wolf. It's very important in the depiction of Caleath that the wolf does not scare him, though most people probably would be fearful.
--Describe how he disarms the wolf and the boy better. It happens so quickly, I'm not exactly sure how he did it...just that he did.
--Nice description of Caleath. Just one question: about how old is he?
--I see a lot of one-sentence paragraphs as Caleath and Gwilt return to his hut. You can combine some of these or tack them on to longer paragraphs.
--Gwilt lives alone? I was imagining him as a ten year-old boy!
"There was a rumour that the effect of being surrounded by salt water lessened the power of the wizards."--Why would this be?
--Chesney is a blacksmith, soldier, and made money off Wrath's fighting? (just checking to make sure I have these facts right)
--Why would Chesney have helped Wrath if he presumably tried to take them to the edge of the world? Just because he felt sorry for him?
--Raise the tension between Chesney and Caleath a bit during their arguement. Chesney has good reason to be upset! If so, again, why did he save Caleath? Did he perhaps wish he hadn't?
--Does Gwilt ever say he has a sister (before the chest scene)? Is that who Gai is? I thought it might have been his mother!
--I'm not sure I understand what The Game is all about and why Caleath was participating in it. Was it a VR fight to the death or is there more to it than that?
--How advanced is this alien society Sarren and Rybolt are from? I want to hear more about the aliens and their motives for exiling Sarren.
--It's not clear why Rybolt was killed. Explaining this and his despiration to disengage the blade will give this scene more impact.
Good beginning to the story! Can't wait to read more!
Nice work! I enjoyed this piece. Some thoughts I had as I read through it:
--You have a great characterization of Julia, someone who is on the brink of comitting suicide. Great depiction of her cutting herself...truly chilling!
"Vulgar insults and abuse were hard things to overlook and ignore."--If this is true, wouldn't some of her teachers be noticing also? Or do they not care?
--You do a good job of describing Julia's inner feelings leading her over the edge. Moving to California, her father's and brother's deaths...I really feel for her!
--Why doesn't Karen see/care about how Shawn is treating Julia? It's clear mother and daughter don't talk about this but not clear why Julia *can't* talk to her about it.
"All she hoes is bitch and complain! I’m not going to be you popular little doll!"
Correct to:
"All he does is bitch and complain! I’m not going to be your popular little doll!"
"But all in all Julia didn’t know is she wanted their help."--Sentence is confusing.
--Why did Karen let Julia punch herself so long if later that night "Julia’s eyes were black and swollen so badly that she could barely see through them." It had to be obvious she was causing genuine harm to herself. You do write that Karen was shocked when Julia was punching herself, but how long did this shock last?
--It's obvious Shawn is verbally abusive to Julia during the family meeting. Doesn't Karen see this? I wouldn't let anyone treat my dog the way Karen lets Shawn treat Julia! Is it possible Shawn is also verbally abusive to Karen?
"He also questioned the fact that Julia had hit herself. He said it made absolutely no sense that her face was badly bruised but her hands had no traces of injuries or marks."--The face is far more susceptible to injury than the hands are. They may have hurt just after she punched herself, but there would not be bruises on her hands. If he was such a good psychiatrist, he'd know that.
--An important question: although Julia gets teased at school, it seems like Shawn causes her the most pain. Does she ever, even for a moment, think about killing him instead of herself? I know she's hurting a lot and it's easier to end it for yourself (it gives you a sense of control). It's probably a thought that would go through my head at some point: killing him.
--Physical character description...I notice we never get any. It would help make Shawn more menacing and arrogant. About how old is Karen? Is Julia in high school or middle school? A description of Julia would be perfect in the opening few paragraphs and help the reader understand why other students call her names. Just because of how she dresses or is it more than that?
Good work overall! You do an excellent job of making Julia a sympathetic character.
Your idea to tell the story in a journal format is interesting and unique. As a reader, one expects this persepective to contain personal thoughts and opinions of the journal's owner. You do that well with Elsie's description. Lovely!
--You set the story in 2010. It seems to me it could be set closer to the present (but I guess that depends on how the story progresses).
"I understand," she replied. "You scientists are busy people and I am after all just one of the lowly guinea pigs."--You describe Elsie so beautifully, so her contempt for her own existence seems out of place.
"It was a little snub nose like you might see on a young toddler or even on a baby."--Remove like you might see on and replace with {color:red}from or {color:red}of. It detracts from your description when you address the reader directly.
--What are Elsie's motives for accepting the procedure? Is it only the money? (perhaps this is addressed in her journal) What does Samantha know about Elsie? She must have a personel profile somewhere. Fill the reader in!
--Writing that Elsie thinks cloning is both good and bad comes off as flippantly as though she had no opinion on the subject. How would bearing a clone tell someone if it was good or bad? Raising a clone--yes, I can see that but not merely giving birth to one.
I think you should add more of Samantha's perspective to the piece. It is, after all, her journal and I'd like to hear her initial impressions of Elsie. It will help shape the tone of the work.
Good work, keep up the writing!
Lisa
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/gwyneth53
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.24 seconds at 10:45am on May 02, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Great work!
I think you mean 
Is this implying more than stopping for food and water?
This line should be in italics (or otherwise distinguished from the rest of this story) since you shift POV to first person.
It brought tears of laughter to my eyes.
Before I knew it, I had my hand on Jeffy-poo's...toe? Great! Recommended for all those girls who want to meet their dream actor.