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26
26
Review of 'Droid Void  
Review by Hanna
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi David,


My name is Hanna and I doing this review as part of the CSFS Review Raid for November 2011, with Comedy as theme of reviewed items.

I love Sci-Fi and your title caught my eye. It is a lovely story, short but full of vibes.

In recent years, personification of robots has become popular thanks to the movie industry. We gave the robots not only a human character but intelligence too. I love it!

Your story is well written, flows nicely and comes to the predictable end. The “hook” you’ve planted in the first lines of your story was ingenious, for until the end I kept hoping the robot will find a way to save himself. It is a classical trick and it works each time. Well done.

In your introduction for the story you categorized it as Satire/comedy. I agree completely. Sci-Fi humor is often sarcastic and within the satire range. I’m not sure it is comedy as we perceive it, but still brings a smile to our faces.

I especially loved the robot’s complaints and wishing he’d been created as something else. This is typical human mannerism, when nobody is happy with what they’ve got. I loved it in you robot!

Keep writing, and I’m sure to visit your port again.

Hanna


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27
27
Review by Hanna
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Dean,

My name is Hanna and I’m writing this review in affiliation with the Review Raid by CSFS group.

My comments and suggestions are given in the best intention and can naturally be ignored if so wished.

Title: I find the title a bit peculiar because the word latest is not used in the proper way, still, it relates to the story.

The story is well written, no grammar or spelling mistakes. The anecdotes about Hal move from one location to another, from childhood to his grave.

I know the story was written in good faith, thinking it can go under the COMEDY genre, but unfortunately, I don’t agree. For me this was a sad story, imaginary or true. With grate talent you described a man that couldn’t help himself and covered his shortcoming by using ill humor: "better late than never". Even the list of his so called “amusing” excuses is pathetic, not funny: "The bus driver had a heart attack."

You told quite a lot about Hal’s life, trying to measure up to a punctual world. You spoke about his own birth, the birth of his children and his workplace, but when it came to his death, you said he was a good man and in that same breath you said he passed away in the most grotesque way; Appropriate for the story, but not funny at all.

To sum up my opinion: A well written story with a unique person as main character. The story should not be categorized as comedy. Perhaps it belongs to what is called “Dark Humor”, but since I don’t understand this kind of humor, I’ll stick to regular humor.

I hope you don’t find my views offensive, for it is not my intention to offend.

Hanna


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28
28
Review of 'Droid Void  
Review by Hanna
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Dean,

My name is Hanna and I’m writing this review in affiliation with the Review Raid by CSFS group.

My comments and suggestions are given in the best intention and can naturally be ignored if so wished.

Title: I find the title a bit peculiar because the word latest is not used in the proper way, still, it relates to the story.

The story is well written, no grammar or spelling mistakes. The anecdotes about Hal move from one location to another, from childhood to his grave.

I know the story was written in good faith, thinking it can go under the COMEDY genre, but unfortunately, I don’t agree. For me this was a sad story, imaginary or true. With grate talent you described a man that couldn’t help himself and covered his shortcoming by using ill humor: "better late than never". Even the list of his so called “amusing” excuses is pathetic, not funny: "The bus driver had a heart attack."

You told quite a lot about Hal’s life, trying to measure up to a punctual world. You spoke about his own birth, the birth of his children and his workplace, but when it came to his death, you said he was a good man and in that same breath you said he passed away in the most grotesque way; Appropriate for the story, but not funny at all.

To sum up my opinion: A well written story with a unique person as main character. The story should not be categorized as comedy. Perhaps it belongs to what is called “Dark Humor”, but since I don’t understand this kind of humor, I’ll stick to regular humor.

I hope you don’t find my views offensive, for it is not my intention to offend.

Hanna



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29
29
Review of Parallax  
Review by Hanna
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

This is an interesting poem; an unusual structure and a somewhat chilling story.

Written in the free style form, the poem has 4 line stanzas with an ac/bd rhyming pattern that is kept in most stanzas. No adherence to any meter.

In the introduction to the poem we learn that the unfortunate victim was singing, but if a reader misses that introduction, the first line of the poem makes no sense.

The part after the accident – the relief and joy of not being hurt is described in moderate words, not really telling that there must have been some fear involved and not going deeper than a mere report. I needed at that point so feel more emotions; What you wrote was that you waited there and had your snacks, as if nothing had happened.

I liked very much stanzas 5 and 6 where you contemplate the dead man; who he was, was it an accident or perhaps he ended his life deliberately? Was he a victim of society? And you admit there and then that you were only guessing for you knew nothing about him. Great writing.

The last stanza said goodbye to the dead man and had a sort of unmentioned apology for leaving him there by the tracks and moving on.

I liked the poem, it flowed nicely despite the lack of meter and the story was presented in a logical manner.

Hanna
30
30
Review by Hanna
In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  
Rated: E | (1.5)
Hi Lucy

“The emotionally needing flat-mate, who is slightly psychotic and maintains her look at me far past the time required when conversation has ended, or indeed when there was no conversation at all to begin with.”

This is the first sentence in your item. It has 2 commas and one period at the end. But, it is an unfinished sentence. The flat-mate who….. blab bla bla…. What about her? What did you want to say? If the first word in the sentence would have been MY emotionally flat-mate, and the word WHO would have been deleted, then the sentence would have made sense.

”A sorrow that my short lived ease was soon to go again.”
This also is not a full sentence. Add something like: Filled me, or came down on me. That SORROW must do something for it is the subject of the sentence.

“”I walked around gleefully in my red and white striped underpants, now the pants are carefully hidden, along with the cellulite around my bottom area, not to breath the fresh morning air, until another trip is to be taken by the offending flat mate.

This sentence is too long and unnecessarily complicated. I would suggest the following: I walked around gleefully in my red and white striped underpants which are now hidden… bottom area (Add period). The rest of this passage is so confused that I would suggest to re-write it. “NO fresh air” jumps in the middle with no connection to anything. The sentences are not constructed correctly grammar-wise.

At the end you mention a child blowing bubbles. Who is she? Is it you? A visitor? You must be more specific and not bring in at the end another character.

I’m sorry my review is so bad. I understand what you were trying to say, but this piece is badly written and needs some work.

Hanna
31
31
Review by Hanna
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello Tim,

I have mixed feelings about this poem. To be honest, although I found some problems in it, I still find the naive story quite refreshing. It isn’t exactly funny, it’s more amusing, but that’s fine with me.

To begin with – you categorized the poem as fantasy, but as it deals with an alien, it should go under Sci-Fi.

Judging by the story and the language used, I would say this is a poem for children, not toddlers but kids around 10 years old.
Your choice of words, turn the poem into prose. There is no meter and the rhymes don’t give the long lines enough rhythm to be read fluently.

You’re telling a story, a nice story with a lovely end. Why burden it with unnecessary details?

Here is the first stanza:

“Some creature from Mars was plotting and dealing,”
And soon, all the humans on Earth would be reeling.
This villainous Martian was formulating a plan
To end life on this planet for every woman and man!”

“Some creature” – grammatically wrong. SOME is a word for plural. Here it should be “A creature”.

As in prose, if you you’re telling a story in a poem, your first line should be like an opening line in a story. After having read just this line, I asked myself a lot of questions. The creature, is he here already on Earth? Is he in his spaceship? And what’s all that “plotting and dealing”? With whom? Is he a diplomat? An emissary? You see what I mean? So many hurdles, in the opening line alone. All this could have been avoided if the line and the first stanza would have been written plainly with the right amount of information.

Calling the Martian names (villainous) does not add to the gravity of his actions. Knowing that he came down to Earth with lethal intentions is enough. In the rest of the poem, you can find a few other lines which can be compacted and focalized, telling the story clearly and fluently.

I tried to rewrite the first stanza, using the information you gave in yours, as an example of how to tighten the story, keep the meter and the rhymes:

In a Martian spacecraft flying towards Earth,
One alien found refuge in a backroom berth.
His mission was neither peaceful nor right,
Complete annihilation later that night.

I would suggest going carefully over the poem. Delete repetitive words, tighten the plot and get to the point in fewer words than in prose.

Your caring extraterrestrial needs a medal, don’t you think? I like him and I’d like to read his story again.

As I always say when sending a review, I have no intention of hurting anyone’s feelings and all I want is to give feedback that might help improve the piece. My suggestions can naturally be ignored.

Regards,

Hanna
32
32
Review of Painted  
Review by Hanna
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review for the poem "Painted" by Sir Paendrag - member CSFS

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Hi there Jeff,

Interesting poem, with strong images and clever use of repetition, which makes a huge impact upon the reader. At first I thought it sounded weird, but as I read on, the second verse hit me with a hammer. Fantastic!

The poem was written in free style, has no meter and no rhyming. I could find no spelling mistakes and no language problems. The only thing missing are punctuation marks which to my mind are important in free style poetry.

When I came to the last line of the poem I found out where your words were leading. It came to me as a surprise because you handed your conclusion in very short words and I wasn’t prepared for it. There was no hint in the poem for this ending. You must have planned it all along…

The lines I liked best are:

“Earth racing into the colors
Sun's reflected infinity
Giving each other light
Giving each other life
Giving each other communion
Giving each other birthright”

The eternal connection between Earth and sun is something I always believed in.

Nice work.

Hanna
33
33
Review of Twin poem  
Review by Hanna
In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Twin poem by Friendly Thinker CSFS member

Interesting layout of practical matters such as choosing the mothers of our future children and the constellation.

There is a peculiar feeling to this poem; rustic, primitive and dreamy. It is written like a speech a leader makes to his people, using the plural “we”. I got the distinct feeling that the leader is trying to convince his people to do something they are not keen on doing. He promises them a share of the take: “We will share our fun with them and play with our children”.

I like the poem, although there are a few matters which need attention.

In ten lines of the poem, I found the word WILL in eight, which means almost in every line. It strikes the reader on sight and is hard to read aloud since there are no punctuation marks and no meter.

I like the concept of the poem, the hopeful talk about the future and the collective atmosphere. I have a problem with the wording.

I'm not sure If this poem is part of an ongoing public story or part of a novel. I'm sure it can be amended easily, perhaps if given time I can come up with ideas.

By the way – why is the poem called “Twin poem”? Is there another one on the same subject?

I'm being as honest as I can in this review. I have no intention of hurting any feelings and needles to say that my comments can be ignored.

Hanna

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34
34
Review by Hanna
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Birth of the kings by Alvin Maker - intro to a novel


Hi Alvin,

I've read the intro to your fantasy novel.

Although I think it's a bit on the short side, I found some interesting ideas and the characters carry their own.

I was intrigued by the obvious future connection between the newborn human baby and the newborn phoenix. Nice idea with endless possibilities.

There were a few questions that came to mind after reading. I wasn't sure what kind of world they were in. On one hand there was talk about going to a hospital to have the baby, which is a "real world" thing to do. Helen called her husband “Honey” which sounds a nowadays way to call a husband, and later he compares the last note from the bird to "opera singing". Not fantasy as far as I know. On the other hand, there was the phoenix with them whom we all know exists only in fantasy legends. If the two worlds are involved somehow, you must clarify it for the reader.

There's the paragraph where you describe the birth of the phoenix, and you say, ”and all eyes were held to it, including the new born child who hadn’t cried once since the bird started singing his song, and just sat still and quiet, watching things he could never understand.” How can you say that a newborn baby “SAT STILL AND QUIET? He was probably in his mother's arms. You have already said earlier in that sentence that he didn't cry since the bird started singing.

What I'm trying to say is that I know this will be a fantasy novel, but in the prolog (or intro as you call it) you must be clear beyond all doubt about every small detail. The beginning of a story decides whether the reader will carry on reading or put the book aside. Describe everything clearly, and unless this is a suspense story, don't leave the reader guessing.

I wanted to show you, in your story, the spots where any reader will stop reading, being puzzled.

You describe the snow laden path leading to the oak tree. And I understood how hard it was to walk it, but you ruin this paragraph by saying, “It took them a couple minutes,”. You must make up your mind what you want to say and once you said it, don't contradict it.

I want now to address the issue of language, syntax and grammar.

The story line is great. It is a good prologue for a novel. But I think you must make it tighter, omit the too many adjectives which give the piece a casual sound instead of a serious one. You are telling something that will be the basis for your novel. It is dramatic. (Examples: 1. The use of the word TINY – too many times in a paragraph. 2. “the egg started to slowly vibrate” The word SLOWLY adds nothing to the sentence.

“Our baby is going to be special!” Ethan said very matter-of-factly, “
This exclamation sounds like one made by a young person and not an adult who is concerned about his wife and child. I think you were trying to make the link to the fantasy world, but you must use other words. The “matter-of-factly” is a spoken idiom which does not appear in my dictionary. I would suggest finding another word.

“Then the most amazing thing Ethan or his wife had ever witnessed, the bird began to sing.” I think you have omitted one word in this sentence – after WITNESSED you must add a verb – HAPPENED.

“He knew it was his job to take care of these two little precious lives and make sure whatever the future held, they made it to the day they would fulfill their destinies.”
This is a key sentence in this prologue. It determines the importance of the baby and the bird and bonds Ethan to being their protector and guardian. The words you wrote are too casual, lacking the weight and importance of the event. “Was his job” sounds like having a paid job and not like a commitment for life dictated by destiny. I would suggest rephrasing the entire sentence.

The reason I bothered to go into small details in this review are that I liked your work. Firstly, the characters - a man and a woman appear to be naive, innocent, and they've been blessed with a son destined for greatness. This makes a good beginning for the novel. Then I liked the surroundings - outdoors, snowy and cold. It sets the atmosphere. Then I liked the touch of fantasy with the phoenix and the ready-made bed for the woman to have her baby in.

All my suggestions are merely those – suggestions, and I hope you can benefit from them one way or another.

Good luck with your novel,

Hanna

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35
35
Review by Hanna
In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey butch,

You were right not to categorize this piece as a short story but as “other”, whatever that means...

I have mixed feelings about it. No qualms about language, grammar or story. After having read it twice, I still feel that something is not right in the way you wrote it.

I'll try to pin point every little nuance and perhaps by the time I'm done with this review I'll be wiser.

To begin with, you've chosen to tell the story in first person, which means you are the grandfather of the children (quote:”We have had our two Grandsons with us most of this summer,”

So, Grandpa tells about his grandsons. Nice. They do this and that, Grandma fusses over them, they eat, drink, sleep and run around and sometimes Grandma isn't happy.

Is this you wanted to tell? One can get the same information from a set of digital photos. We know nothing about the boys. You mentioned in passing some cousins – what about them? What do they all talk about? What adventures did they have? Achievements? What have they learnt about their new environment?

What I'm trying to say is that what you wrote sounds like a dry report the head of a summer camp will send to parents.

Something else was missing in your recount of the summer. Where was Grandpa during all this time? Didn't he take part in the boys activities? Show them around? Go fishing, boating, chasing dragonflies? He never told them fascinating stories about the area? He didn't warn them about dangerous places? Where was he?

Small details make or break a story. I'll give you an example. You had a new puppy. Most people name a dog, especially if there are children around. Your puppy remained nameless. Shame...

The reason I felt the story was incomplete was that when I read a passage that starts with:”There is something indescribably special about young boys and young dogs romping through those endless summer days. They entertain each other, and seem to have the same ability to get into mischief.”, I asked myself what the kids were talking about. What went through their minds, what were their challenges and what made them tick. You see what I mean?

You've given a lot of credit to Grandma for all the things she did for the boys. Was there no reciprocation from the boys? No “I love you Granny” or a hug, or a kiss? Were the boys in a summer camp and cared nothing about their family?

The story teller doesn't want to get personal. He tells it from afar with little emotions involved. I'm sure this is NOT how you wanted to tell this story. For it is a good story. It has the right ingredients, but the “telling” should be different.

I'm not sure you'll agree with me, and I want to apologize if I've hurt your feelings. This is truly how I feel about this “other” item. You can chop my head if you like...

Please tell me if I made any sense at all.

Hanna

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
36
36
Review by Hanna
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,

An unusual poem to read, one that makes you forget for a few moments where you are or what you are and draws you into the writer's life and his country's problems.

I'm not American, but like the rest of the world, I've heard and read a lot about the life there, good and bad. Discrimination is not alien to me and the feeling that we haven't done enough in the span of 60 years is also familiar.

The poem is written in free verse and reads smoothly not because it keeps to a meter or a rhyming pattern. It was written from the heart and what was said goes straight to the reader's mind.

I truly loved this poem. Well done.

Hanna

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" 


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37
37
Review by Hanna
In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello Tim,

I was indeed a bit fed up with love/hate poems or reading about all the tragedies. Important real life stuff, but after a while - tiring. Your poem came to me like a breeze of fresh air. Bees! I know that the world is panicking because bees are dying by the millions from some mysterious disease.

As for your poem. Written in traditional style - rhymed in the ab cd pattern but there was no constant meter.

In the second stanza you wrote that the bees are "snatching" pollen. It would be more accurate to say that the bees collect or gather pollen. And it would sound better in the poem.

I was trying to make sense of the first two lines in third stanza, but failed:

"Without stripes, the peskiness
Of killer bees creating stress,"

One more observation - I think the poem needs a little more "nature" in it like scenery and such to cover all the dry facts.

Thanks for sharing,

Hanna

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38
38
Review of Belief  
Review by Hanna
In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
(b}
Hi Ron,

My honest opinion - This is not a poem. It doesn't read like a poem. It reads like: see below

"My youth budded in a small town where I came to know the world, at least the world
I saw.

In school I studied math and state capitals, but my core came from the people where words like wetback and nigger came as naturally out of the mouth as Mom and Dad
with no thought of discrimination.

I wrapped my arms around that world and held on because it was what I had, it was mine.

That time is long since past and now I learn f from a larger world. My thoughts
are about individuals and groups, not races. However, some races have segments more worthy of my contempt than others.

When this is mentioned the cry of racism is loud and shrill. Decisions represent bias and
discrimination - from the person we marry to the route we select to go to work each morning.

The self-righteous will say all are equal and stand on this platform as pure nonracists.
But we are not all equal. Oriental children come to America and in five years not only
learn the language but win the spelling bees. It is not an accident the fastest runners
are black.

Those who attempt to suppress the realities of the world do a disservice of which I will not be a part.

So I am called a racist."

I find this excellent writing. The arguments come from your heart. You don't apologize for what you've been taught and for what you see in this world.

I think this short assay will read better in this form and will be better appreciated than a long awkward poem.

Hanna
.
39
39
Review of Eternal  
Review by Hanna
In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hi,

I have mixed feelings about this little poem. You have classified it as “Dark”. Is this what they call nowadays poems about love, death and life? I looked it up on the net. At least your poem is not filled with atrocities... Just joking. Your poem doesn't seem so dark to me.

Normally, in a poem (and in prose) the poet wants to deliver some sort of message. After reading your poem I came out empty. It's well written, the rhymes are fine and the meter is kept in most lines to 7. You state a few facts, but what was it you wanted to say? You talk in general. There is no connection to you personally. The reader doesn't know whether you were hurt, who grabbed you when you sank or what you felt inside that prison cell. Poetry is a personal media of writing. I couldn't find YOU in this poem. You were hiding behind some generalized statements.

Although the poem is well written, I'm going to rate it quite low because I think you've missed me as a reader.

You'll find a few observations regarding spellings, grammar and punctuation in the body of your poem.

I can tell you're a gifted poet and I'm going to raid your port. Just don't let the thousand of ideas which roam mind divert you from writing the right words. Always think that someone is going to read it and that someone needs to get inside your head and UNDERSTAND what you're saying. If you write poetry just for yourself, then why become a member in a writing group? I always say these things to young writers. I wish someone would have said them to me...

Eternal

Life and death: eternal dance (Use semi-colon instead of colon. Add coma)

Blinding mortals in a trance (Add period)

Waiting on the river bank (Add comma)

to grab you once you sank (Delete WAITING- repetition, add period)

to the pits of hell (Spelling – should be FIERY, add comma)

locked inside a prison cell (Add period)

life is ice; death fire (add IS between death and fire)

life is vice;death desire (Add IS between death and desire. The previous line starts also with the same words. Try to use others, if you can.)

Best regards,
Hanna



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40
40
Review of Will You Miss Me  
Review by Hanna
In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Hi,

I find this poem excellent, both in form and content.

The poem is rhymed in the bd pattern and does not adhere to a particular meter. Usually I find irregular meter disturbing, but somehow in your poem the flow is good even without the meter.

One line puzzled me, in the second stanza: “ More hurtful than to be forsaken,”. I can't make any sense of it or of the connection to the previous line.

For some reason you chose NOT to call this piece a poem and you've put it under “other”. I wonder why.

The last line of the poem is according to you “the truest measure of affection”. I don't know how old you are, but I feel that you're still very young. I wouldn't want to argue this premise with you, but I can tell you one thing – when you'll live to see your grandchildren, you'll find that affection is a multilayer hive filled with different nuances and flavors. This is from my experience anyway.

Thanks for sharing this personal poem. I enjoyed it very much.

Hanna

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41
41
Review of Coyote  
Review by Hanna
In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

Hi,

I like your story, or rather the beginning of your novel. I find the topic interesting,and the way you entwined the coyote tale in your personal life is intriguing.

I did a thorough edit of the chapter which you'll find bellow. Quotes from your story are marked with black bold letters. My suggestions appear in red.

Please regard my comments as mere suggestions.

*************************************************

"but I had seen the ostracization, some weeks before."

verb – ostracize - does not exist in the form you wrote – ostracization
I couldn't find a replacing word. Perhaps you've just invented a new word...?

“He was alone, and because he was alone he was in danger”
Repeating the words “he was alone” does not emphasize it . I'd rather say: “Being alone meant he was in great danger.”

“I had learned their habits and their range and had managed closer observations.”
The sentence is heavy and complicated (Twice the word THEIR and twice the word AND.
Try: I had learned their habits and range, gaining a closer observation.

“but there was no possible way one could say that I had achieved some acceptance by them either.“

You should write clean and clear sentences. These long complicated sentence are fine in speech, but when you narrate a story, it must be simple, no repetitions and with carefully chosen words as not to beat around the bush. This is a novel you're writing. If you're not careful, you'll end up with a manuscript thicker than the bible. In this sentence, the first part is immaterial. All you need is: “but in no way am I saying that I had achieved some acceptance by them either”.

“There are creeks, a few with water year round, but most are dry most of the time.”
Simplify this sentence: There are creeks, most are dry but some with water year round.

“There are oak and live oak trees.”
I'm not an expert on trees. I had an oak tree in my garden, but what is a “live oak”?

“There are some flat areas that are open pasture, and there are the occasional patches of mesquite trees.”

The previous sentence started with “There are”. In this sentence you wrote it twice. A reader gets tired easily with repetitions. Try joining the two sentences, as follows:
There are oak and live oak trees and some flat areas that are open pasture with occasional patches of mesquite trees.”

I like the way you've woven your personal circumstance into the coyote account. I always believed that humans are no different from the beasts...

The description of your estate is basically good, except for some long sentences which manifest the same idea - the land was vast and isolated. See if you can summarize them all and make it shorter.

“I retired here at 40 years of age, because I had saved enough money, and was modestly fortunate in some investments, and because I inherited enough money with the land that combined with what I had, I could retire and live off of the small pension; and because I was sick deep in my bones with dealing with death and it’s crew.“

Again, long sentences. I would re-write:

I retired to my ranch after saving some money and investing it successfully. Some more came with my inheritance and enabled me at the age of 40 to retire and live off my small pension. Other than this, I was sick to my bones with dealing with death and its crew.

The description of your work with the police is extremely well written.

"with a few short incursions into the edge of the swamp from time to time, scary little trips that send the visitor scurrying"
When you find yourself with a very long sentence which is separated by several commas, use a semi-colon when the two parts can stand on their own. Like in this sentence: Put a semi-colon after the words "from time to time".

"But there are some who live deep in that swamp and even some who never come out of that swamp at all."

No need to use the word "swamp" twice in this sentence. Try: But there are some who live deep in that swamp and even some who never came out of it at all.

"I put in specific work out stations..." Please hyphenate "work-out".

"Finding the coyotes an interesting diversion I had become a consistent watcher." Grammar and punctuation. Should read:Finding the coyote was an interesting diversion. I had become a consistent watcher

"The lone coyote had trailed behind the pack for several days...."

In this paragraph, you used the word "several" twice. Try to replace one of them.

I was waiting to see whether you're going to name the coyote. I thought it was coming... and it did. Great choice for a name!

"He was trying to survive, and he was hunting in..." - Omit the word HE.

"where I spent most of my time that was spent in the house." Repetition. Try: where I spent most of my time indoors"

"I mostly use two rooms in the old ranch house, the bedroom and the kitchen..."
Use colon after the word HOUSE. It will do wonders for this long sentence.

"...log beams overlaid with rough hewn cedar planks, over the decades the floor had been..." Put a period after the word PLANKS and start a new sentence.

"A great deal of labor and thought had gone into its construction, and it was built by a craftsman of the oldest school."

After the word CONSTRUCTION, please try:having been built by an craftsman of the old school.

"relatively decent temperature even in the summer, even without air-conditioning." Erase the second EVEN. It's not needed after the comma.

"Electricity was a relative newcomer" - The word RELATIVE appears in the previous sentence. No need for it here.

"this is the only place I wanted to be." - You want to be A PLACE??? Or that was the only place you wanted to be IN?

"Once Frank was seated with a cup of coffee at the kitchen table" Not necessary to mention the kitchen table. Where else would one sit in a kitchen with a friend and cups of coffee? Avoid cluttering with unnecessary details. They tend to clog the story.


Keep writing this novel. If you don't turn it to yet another police story, I'm sure you'll do well. (Psychological thriller - man Vs. beast?)

Best of luck,

Hanna






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Review of Lipstick  
Review by Hanna
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi,

I like the version that appears first. They do not defer much though.

A good poem. You succeed in a few words to create the atmosphere you want and use merely 69 words to do so!

The poem is written in free verse, but lacks a few punctuation marks.

I can imagine that even in these advanced times, it is still not easy to write about gay relationships. For that you are commended.

Well done!

Hanna
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Review of Below the hill  
Review by Hanna
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,

In a few short words you managed to transfer a deep feeling of loss and grief in one woman. The hill stands here as a metaphor, but remaining somehow in the back without diminishing the woman's character.

The poem was written without a meter, but is rhymed in the bd pattern. There is one stanza though (the first) that the rhymes were used in the second and third line (bc pattern) as opposed to the rest of the poem. I think this can be amended easily. All you have to do is switch between line three and four, without changing anything else:

“There's a hill that overlooks this town.
A hill that overlooks her grief.
She cannot climb it.
She cannot calm her disbelief.”


Thanks for sharing.

Hanna
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Review of The Home Sampler  
Review by Hanna
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

An absolutely wonderful poem. You managed to pin-point the difficult situation by using a clever metaphor as not to accuse the other person of what he is. Delicately you weave his story and yours. I could see the commitment there, the way you can recognize the colors of his changing moods and at last, the realization that it is all too much for you.

Although the poem is written in free style, I do think that punctuation is needed in all the lines.

Thank you for sharing with us,

Hanna
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Review by Hanna
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi,

Your short story tells about a boy who's different and suffers because of it both at school and at home. This is a sensitive and most important issue that unfortunately isn't often discussed in public.

As a whole, the story is simple, the characters not developed, there are grammar mistakes (Mixing between past and present tenses). I would suggest to stick to the past tense throughout the entire piece.

The story doesn't flow well. The boy's memories while unpacking Christmas ornaments after his parent passed away are supposed to outline the story. I was left wandering at that stage about 2 issues: First, how old was the boy when his parents passed away and how did his parents die? I think the parents were not introduced adequately. After calling them Mom and Pop, suddenly they are mentioned by their first names which makes the reader wonder for a second who they were...

The little dialogue in the story doesn't suite the issue. A big policeman like Clifford is angry about what he thinks his son is, and talks to him like one talks to a 5 years old? Sounds odd. And the solution the boy finds to subdue his father's rage is also fit for a small boy.

You must clarify every small detail. Even in a short story there is room for logic, consistency and proper grammar.

I think that with a bit of work this can be a nice story.

This is my honest opinion and I hope it would be taken as such.

Hanna
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Review by Hanna
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi,

I've read and re-read your poem. I thought about it a lot, then decided not to review it. After a couple of hours I came back to it. I've read again your introduction of yourself. There is something here which I can't define, and I must tell you outright that I don't like your poem the way you presented it. I'm with you concerning the ideas and the thought process, but I don't find the presentation appealing or understood. This is my honest opinion.

I'm sure that you are an accomplished poet. I'm but an amateur whose first language isn't English, however, I felt the need to share my opinion with you. Naturally, I don't mean to be rude or hurt your feelings.

My first impression upon seeing the poem was that of some kind of a "to-do" list or a list of questions one prepares to ask his lawyer/teacher/husband. I'm known to use questions in my poems and I've seen other poets use them too but never an entire poem with question marks at the end of each line. There is no flow, no rhythm and no rhymes (by choice I suppose).

The issues weigh much on your mind and I could learn that from the repetitions - same questions worded differently in some lines. example: First stanza line 2: "Did I have a long exciting journey?" Second stanza line 1: "Did I travel from a long way away?" Repetition is normally OK in poetry, you must know that, but because all the lines are phrased as questions, one gets the feeling that they are all similar. This was what I felt when reading the poem.

As I said, the sentiments and emotions are very clear. I just wondered how this poem would read when written in a regular form.

Do I make sense? I wasn't going to write a review. Honest. I find myself apologizing to you which is something I never do. Perhaps because we are exactly the same age ,both of us traveled the world (I lived in South Africa for many years and traveled from there) and both had our share of hospitals. Who knows why?

Hanna
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Review of First drum set  
Review by Hanna
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

A very good poem. I enjoyed it a lot. You've dictated the tempo of reading by using repetitions, which was very skilfully done.

A few observations:

1. Use a larger font for the poem and make the font bold. (If you don't know how to do it, give me a shout).

2. You've put the poem in the children's category. You need to specify for what age. For example, if it's for young kids, they won't understand a long word like: "cacophonous".

Other than these - it was a pleasure reading your poem.

Hanna
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Review by Hanna
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

I like your poem. It is simple, it delivers both the pain and the new acquired strength. It tells the old story of abuse, abuse that we women don't have to take anymore.

I would like to see this poem with proper punctuation. It would read better.

Well done!

PS If you like to read similar poems from me - written ages ago - you can find some in my port in a folder called "Poems from another era".

Hanna
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Review of Blame  
Review by Hanna
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi,

This is indeed a sad situation which took over the entire western world.

I've read your prompt so I could understand where you were aiming with your poem.

I don't know you, but it seems to me that you are a teacher, for you know the kids very well; their cruelty, cunning and technical sophistication.

What you wrote sums up the article in a more accurate way and gives a better understanding of the phenomenon. The only thing that I didn't like in your poem was the structure, or more precisely, the lack of any form. The sentences are too long, it has no meter, which is OK, but it reads like an article.

I'm sure that with a bit of work you can turn this poem, baring such an important message, into a brilliant one. Everything is there, it needs a little polish...

This is my honest review.

Hanna
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Review of Merlin's Musings  
Review by Hanna
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,

I love fantasy and the title of your poem caught my eye.

You said you wanted to entertain the reader. I think it's hard to entertain with the hundreds years old tale about Merlin, unless there is a fresh look or angle.

I promised myself never to write a review for a piece I don't like, but this time - I'm writing it. It's not that I don't like your poem. It's written skillfully, and the language is proper for the period, but...it doesn't say much. It is somewhat dry and the language takes away any story you wanted to tell. What you're telling actually are a few minor facts about the sword - it shining like silver, having an Opal set on the pommel and being "stuck" into a rock. And of course Merlin knows who will be the one to get it out. Is this what Merlin is "Musing" about? Such trivial matters?

Gee, I didn't mean to come down on you like that, but with an obvious talent like yours for poetry, I think you can do better. Think of the wars and plots that Merlin was involved in. Think of the bad witch and the king... so many topics to muse about!

Please come back to me on this, and if you feel like chopping my head of - please do. I don't normally write reviews like this. it's just that I think you can benefit from it.

Hanna
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