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26
26
Review of Big Eddie  
Review by hiryuu
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
For flash fiction, this is great.
Although you limited your details in this short piece, you do a very good job of keeping the reader interested. You also do a good job of filling in sidebar details as you go. This makes the reader feel like they are discovering each piece as they read along.

Good Job!



Grammar and Form:
The flow is good in this piece.
I was unable to find any grammatical errors.

Nice Job!


Content:
For such a short piece, you do a very good job of expressing the plot of the immediate scene and hinting at the larger picture.
The description were good, and painted a picture easy for the reader to follow.

Very Good Job!

.
It must be terrible for Woody to have to sit through Eddie’s difficulties just so he can get the bad end of the deal himself.

Thanks for the good read, and keep up the good work.

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Review of When Hearts Bond  
Review by hiryuu
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a nice story about how heart does not hold the same concerns as the mind.
You do a wonderful job describing the main character’s transformation as a young adult.
In fact, all the characters in this story are believable.

Grammar and Form:
The flow is easy and provides a relaxed read.
I only found one minor error.

” … and wished to give her …”
This should be ”wished”.

Suggestion:
” … her multiple-tasking …”
I think it would be suitable to revise this to ”multi-tasking”.

Nice Job!


Content:
You follow the plot well.
You open and close the piece neatly.

Suggestion:
Perhaps some more detail concerning description of the surrounding geographical area could help bring the reader into the complexities of the story.

Very Good Job!
.
This is a wonderful tale that expresses how business can consume someone's senses until it is too late to salvage their personal life.

Thanks for the good read, and keep up the good work.

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Review by hiryuu
Rated: E | (4.5)
As an unskilled poetry reviewer, I still have no problem connecting with this piece.

Title: Destiny … (The Move Ahead)
The title suggests the narrator is setting out on a path to find their destiny, and searching for a sign indicating how to proceed. This is interesting in as a person’s destiny is usually referred to as something predetermined, and I think your piece does a lot to reflect the choices involved.

I like the way the narrator starts by wondering which path to take to find their destiny.
They desire to find the path to righteousness, and leave behind their experiences in "the valley of horrible den”. They are then taken back when they realize that the path to righteousness leads to the same “salvation” as their experiences in temptation.

The narrator has to go through hell to get there either way, and salvation is available to all regardless how they got there.

Thank you for your poem, and the simple reminder that not all is lost.
Keep up the good work!

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Review of 2nd Saving Emma  
Review by hiryuu
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


 2nd Saving Emma  (18+)
The perfect crime.
#1577739 by Rixfarmgirl


This is a well written story that dives right into the insanity of some women.
I cannot express how many times I read stories like this, and think to myself … well … I won’t say what I think myself in hopes of not tarnishing your storyline.

Title: 2nd Saving Emma
I am not really sure what the 2nd stands for, unless this is the second revision, or you were loosely referring to Karen as Emma’s “second” or “stand-in”.

Grammar and Form:
The flow is good, and I only found grammatical errors surrounding dialog punctuation.

… in the stomach? He followed …
You need to close the dialog with quotation marks here.

… Promise me!" Emma face was etched with pain and uncertainty." …
You have already closed the dialog with quotation marks, and strike the extras at the end of the following sentence.

… her cheek before sitting down. I think you out did …
Open quotes here again when the dialog resumes.

Good Work!



Content:
Your plot is familiar but your method of disposal is certainly original.
You lightly season the story with descriptions, which do an excellent job of flavoring the piece.

Suggestion:
” …the times you ran errands for me because I couldn't leave the house …”
Earlier in the story you indicated Jay ran all the errands for the house in order to keep Emma at home, but this passage appears in Emma’s conversation with Karen. It is a minor point of conflict, but I think if you review the sentence you can see how to revise it.

Context Disagreement:
In your description, you indicated the ”perfect crime”, where in reality it may not be.
You have to consider the CSI team may be smart enough to wonder where the jar came from, and check the house for the ingredients used. If they dust the jar for prints, Karen is toast.

You still did a very good job with the story.

My Favorite Part:
” Emma picked up the fifty-pound telephone.“
You did a wonderful job with this description.

Happy Anniversary again, and keep up the good work.

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Review by hiryuu
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


 Dancing with the Luna Moth  (13+)
Bunny, an old-time vampire, tells Meadowlark why she stopped sucking human blood.
#1502116 by Kåre Enga in Udon Thani


This short story is a beautiful short escape from the doldrums of classic themes associated with vampirism.

Title: Dancing with the Luna Moth
The title takes the first step in painting the picture you support throughout your story.

Grammar and Form:
At first, I had a hard time with the absence of punctuation in the dialog.
I grew accustomed to it, and was able to enjoy the story after a few occurances.

Suggestion:
”He was looking up at the moon, entranced by the stars, oblivious to me.
He stretched out his arms and began to twirl as if in a trance."

In this passage, you have back to back references to the ”trance” state.
Perhaps you can find an alternate description for the second occurrence, or strike it altogether.

Content:
The plot is simple and easy to follow.
The way you mesh the basic components of the plot with the vivid descriptions is good.
It is interesting how your fondness for poetry does not escape your style in this story.

My Favorite Part:
” … melody of moonlight, the descant of Venus; they sang a duet … “
I like your choice of words when describing Venus’ tune, and it supports the ”duet”.

Happy Anniversary again, and keep up the good work.

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Review of Amber's Gift  
Review by hiryuu
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is a wonderful story that touches the reader’s soul.
The sorty is well written and well worth the read.


Title: Amber’s Gift
The title is appropriate and accents the way the narrator gathers reason from the experience.

Grammar and Form:
You came so close to losing me in the first paragraph.
The repetition of ”The kind of day that …” kept yelling at me to ditch the piece.
It misrepresents the writing style you utilize during the rest of your piece, and I am thankful I stuck with it.

If at all possible, you might want to substitute a few of those occurrences with ”A day that …”, then ”One of those days that …”, and break up the repetition a little.

I did not find any grammatical errors, and the rest of the piece flowed smoothly.

Content:
The plot of the story is well developed and supported throughout the piece.
Good word usage, and imagery paint vivid pictures for the reader.

The Part I Disliked The Most:
The first thing I would have done when I got home, would be call the shift commander for the paramedics.
There would be one paramedic either suspended without pay for a while, or looking for a new job.

I know as a fact people in the trade have their own lingo, ways to separate themselves from the task at hand, and a certain disconnect concerning the harsh realities, but they better not get caught saying ”Bag her, and tag her” within earshot of a bystander.

I know it is a story, but that part just grated on my nerves.

The Part I Liked The Most:
”Yesterday, I had not known she existed: Today we were bound in a way no two strangers should ever be.”

This is a wonderful description of the circumstance.

Thanks for the read, and keep up the excellent work.

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Review of Summer Snow  
Review by hiryuu
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This story is truly an interesting take on the matter at hand.
The story shows an enormous amount of creativity, and expertly executed descriptions.


Title: Summer Snow
The title is completely appropriate for the piece.

Grammar and Form:
The flow was comfortable, and I was unable to find any glaring grammatical errors.

Content:
The plot of the story is well developed and supported throughout the piece.
Word usage, and imagery paint vivid and refreshing pictures for the reader, leaving no stone unturned.

As a whole, the story is well executed.


Context:
Unfortunately, this is where I took a deadly turn with your story.

At first, I was certain the main character had become a victim; another sheep from the flock slaughtered by the “Great Deceiver”. My assessment was compounded by the character’s greedy dip into at least five of the “Seven Deadly Sins”, and I was only thankful she neglected to explore “Sloth” and “Wrath”.

When compared to my own relationship with God, which consists of the simple request for the strength to bare the burdens in my life, and thanks for the humble yet divine blessing I receive, I just could not find a measure by which to connect with the core of your story.

Upon reflection though, it is quite possible that in my ignorance and carelessness, I failed to properly review the available “benefits packages”. Or even worse, it might be a testament to arduous amount of atonement I still owe for my past indiscretions.

All said, you are a talented author, and display a wonderful blossoming of creativity.
I will leave any judgment in the rightful hands of God.

Thanks for the read, and keep up the good work.

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Review by hiryuu
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This addition is well thought out and presented in a fresh and appealing manner.

Title: Report From the Lisa Lansing Case
The title is really self explanatory, but does a good job of preparing the reader for its content.

Grammar and Form:
The flow was easy to follow, and selected word use did not become cumbersome.
I did not find any grammatical errors in the piece.


Context and Content:
You truly chose an interesting format to progress an ongoing storyline.
The contents and “evaluations” in the piece ring true, and support both the premise and execution of the plot.

My Favorite Part:
” Clearly so the entity will seem less harmful, with perhaps, some redeeming qualities.”

This is an excellent way to express your point.
If evil’s main purpose is to extinguish innocence and virtue, then it only stands to reason that the same evil would not honestly project a feeling of “self-hatred” for merely accomplishing its core goals, and would actually revel in its success. The “evil” tries to project some form of regret or compassion in the poem, that just does not stand up to test of sincerity.

Of course this is all pending on the depth and complications the second person/thing represents.

Thanks for the interesting read, and keep up the very good work.

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Review by hiryuu
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This story is an interesting take on the oldest battle around.

Title: The Flowers of Armageddon
The title really fits the story's closing, but several times during the story you refer to Armageddon as already being witnessed or a previous event.

Grammar and Form:
The flow was choppy at some times, due to the distinctive differences in language use you facilitate in the story.
It might be better to reserve some of that for dialog only, and help move the reader along during the descriptions.

“ … was his utter stubbornness to concede defeat. …”
In the context of your sentence it should be ”stubbornness not to”.

Suggestion:
” … and he had to make inner peace. … “
You might want to consider ”achieve” or ”find an”.

You have some punctuation errors throughout the piece, but a good proof reading should take care of that.

Context and Content:
The plotline in the forefront of the story is easy to follow, but with the references to the past, the plot contained within that line gets a little sketchy.

You really pile a lot of stuff on the plate when it comes to this story.
You are handling a multitude of subjects at the same time, and in limited space.
Some of the focus is lost, as the reader tries to keep up with the action, and the principles at the same time.

You explore some wonderful ideas and concepts in this piece, but I think you would do better to narrow the overall impact, spread the subjects out in your piece, and handle them one at a time. Switching back and forth tends to wear the reader out.

My Favorite Part:
”One was a beautiful flower, its pale exquisite form hinting at its future brilliance. The other was a minuscule weed, little more than a pest seeking to cuddle with its stunning cousin.”

This is an awesome description in context with the theme of your story, and the perfect way to wrap the piece up.

Thanks for the interesting read, and keep up the good work.

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Review of Guilty  
Review by hiryuu
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
You got a good start on this story.
I like the way you investigate the conflicting feelings of a person left behind during deployment.

Title: Guilty
The title is good and addresses the point of the story.

Grammar and Form:
The flow is easy and provides a relaxed read.
I found one grammatical error.

” … I knew then what I knew now … “
It should be ”know.

Nice Job!

Context and Content:
The plot is easy to follow, and well supported.
The imagery is sparse at best, but you do a good job of carrying the storyline with the dialog.
The only thing that took me by surprise was the abrupt end to the story.
Perhaps you could close the piece with some reflection by the main character regarding chief’s comments (what were they thinking).

The guilt felt by soldiers left behind in a deployment situation is much like “survivor’s guilt”.
You are always left to wonder if you could have made the difference at the crucial moment.

Thanks for the enjoyable read, and keep up the good work.

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Review by hiryuu
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a different approach to a war story.
I think the way you visit the subject in the story really accents the old saying “a lifetime of boredom interrupted by brief moments of shear terror”.

Title: A Promise in the Cold
The title is good and addresses the point of the story.

Grammar and Form:
The flow is easy and provides for a relaxed read.
I did not find any glaring grammatical errors.

Suggestion:
”… it’s dusty. You’d have to be a …”

Try to stay away from contraction in text, where they are perfectly okay in dialog.
Who is the ”you” in ”You’d”?

Context and Content:
The plot is easy to follow.
The imagery is well established and believable.
The dialog is convincing and supports the emotions of the characters

Thanks for the enjoyable read, and keep up the good work.

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Review of Five Seconds  
Review by hiryuu
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I like the way you capture an eternity in a moment.
The story reads well and equally well worth the visit.

Title: Five Seconds
The title not only suits the piece, but exemplifies the skillful way you break down a few moments into a series of events.

Grammar and Form:
The flow is good and easy to follow.
I did not find any glaring grammatical errors.

Suggestion:

{i|It’s a… then it hit the floor with a thud and then an unmistakable hard metallic sound on wood… {i|Grenade!

I like it when people use the tools available to accent their stories, but you need to clean up this section.
I would have attempted it myself, but you know exactly what you want to do here.

Context and Content:
The plot is easy to follow.
The imagery is well established and creative; very believable.

I like the way you choose to connect the perpetual cycle of violence between the two enemies, the core of its existence, and methods they utilize to get there.

Thanks for the enjoyable read, and keep up the good work.

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Review of Mail Call  
Review by hiryuu
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very good story.
I like the idea you mentioned in the story’s description about expanding it along the same lines.

Title: Mail Call
The title is entirely appropriate for the piece.


Grammar and Form:
The flow is good and easy to follow.
I did not find any glaring grammatical errors.

Suggestion:
You may want to preserve the spacing in regards to paragraphs and dialog when posting a piece.
It helps keep the flow moving.

You did a very good job.


Context and Content:
The plot is easy to follow.
I like the way you kept the focus on the story, and used only a sprinkling of seasoning as far as description goes. It kept the piece from getting unnecessarily bogged down.

The dialog you utilize leads directly to the point, and does not seem to cliché.
The characters and dialog lend a hand to the overall believability of the story as a whole.

The Part I Liked the Most:
Your character Sgt. King personifies the realization of how mature a twenty six year old in the military can be. This character also displays the inherent wisdom that probably assisted his achieving the NCO rank. He is type guy you would want to rely on in a tough situation.

Thanks for the enjoyable read, and keep up the good work.

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Review of Immigration  
Review by hiryuu
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you very much for not just spouting your opinions in this piece and supplying your insight in the possible solution as well.

Illegal immigration is a subject that twists me in many different ways, and I am sad to say that there is no easy solution.

Title: Immigration
Although your title is short, sweet and to the point, it may be a good idea to investigate including some of the premise of the piece as well.


Grammar and Form:
The flow is good and easy to follow.
I found a minor grammatical error, and have a possible suggestion.

” … How many of us would willing take a three day journey …”
It should be ”willingly”.

Suggestions:
”… I think it unrealistic and disingenuous to think …”
You might want to put an ”is” in there.

You did a very good job.


Context and Content:
The plot is easy to follow.
Your sparse imagery is still effective in supporting your point throughout the piece.
You do a good job of interjecting brief glimpses into the physical realities of the subject matter, without becoming bogged down in description.




All of the following comments address points brought up by the author and are in no way intended to be harassing.

Additional Comments on Content:
”… As a nation, or at least as a people, shouldn’t we at least discuss this issue that affects millions of lives with something more than rhetoric? …”

The Immigration problem we are suffering from is one that truly tears me in two separate directions. I am a Strict Constructionist and wholeheartedly support the “rule of law”. At the same time, if given the choice, I would certainly prefer my tax dollars went to the ongoing support of illegal immigrants that come to this country, work hard, and better their lives as a result, instead of supporting Americans born here and unwilling to do what is necessary to provide for themselves.

Like I said at the beginning of this review, there is no easy answer.



” … Ultimately we have to develop a foreign policy with our neighbors that promotes industrial development and opportunities in their countries, so that people will not make such desperate attempts to risk all to come to the land of the free to be basically indentured servants. …”

First off, if we cannot effectively manage our own affairs in regards to this situation, what makes you think we have any business meddling in foreign affairs?

Secondly, don’t fall victim to the misconception that all illegal immigrants are one step out of slavery. This is a common misconception of people who are not familiar with the facts. It is well known where I live, that illegal immigrants can actually garner more pay than their American counterparts, due to their increased reliability, work ethic, and strong sense of commitment to whatever task they are asked to complete.

Mexico’s third greatest source of income is derived from proceeds surrounding wages paid in America, and sent back to existing households within their borders. Not to mention Mexico’s own Immigration policies and enforcement far exceed the standards of our nation.


” … This percentage continues to grow. At some stage, we will need to look at immigration not from a “rule of law” point of view, as laws can be changed. We will need to look at it from a humanity point of view, and start treating the problem with something more than political rhetoric that plays on the fears and passions of many, but does nothing to address the issue, to fix the issue, or even to have a decent discussion of the issue. …”

You have inevitably stumbled on the core of the problem.
It exists in the desire to supersede written Law, to address compassionate concern for the “humanity” surrounding the argument.

It all boils down to the basics.
If a house is on fire, you can use the tools available to put the fire out, or stand around and talk about it as it burns to the ground.

Thanks for the enjoyable read, and good luck on getting this problem solved.
Keep up the good work.

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Review by hiryuu
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You do a very good job of expressing your feelings in this piece.
I wish everyone could be as passionate about politics as you seem to be.

Title: Got Any Spare Balls for Washington Democrats
The title seems to fit, but I am not really sure Nancy Pelosi would appreciate it.


Grammar and Form:
The flow is choppy at times, but I did not find any glaring grammatical errors.
At the risk of being perceived as an attempt to pacify some of your comments, I still have a suggestion.

The overuse of capitalization for emphasis, and over abundance of exclamation marks, does not strengthen the points you bring forth in your piece. Try and keep the reader “on track” with your argument, by getting rid of all the stumbling blocks you put in. These interruptions break up the flow of your piece.


Context and Content:
The plot is easy to follow, and I appreciate your ability to address an issue so close to your heart.
There is not much to comment on as far as imagery goes, seeing as it is a political piece.
The only real attempt you make with imagery is contained in your sixth paragraph, and I believe you take it to the point of beating a dead horse.




All of the following comments address points brought up by the author and are in no way intended to be harassing.

Additional Comments on Content:

”… absolutely pathetic and quadrapalegically weak comment …”

This is a rather rude but fairly descriptive word, and if you have to make a word up to get your point across, it is a good sign you are crossing the line between acceptable and indignant.



” … I am certainly NOT “happy” to continue passively watching the Congress waste another month on anything, and I will never support any Democrat who acts & speaks as if they are!!! …”

Although you do a wonderful job of expressing yourself throughout the piece, this is an example of where emotions can get the best of you. It is plain to see that you would not jump to start supporting the Republican instead of the Democrat, and the Independent candidate would probably be a little too Conservative for you as well. You could opt to drop out of the political process altogether, but in politics not to choose is to make a choice.

Where I come from, this would be considered an empty threat.
If you to address the point by offering any alternatives, it will go a lot further in supporting your intentions in this piece.


” … Get in the face and slow the pace of those misguided fake-conservative NeoCon-Men, who continue full speed ahead into the ever deepening Iraqi quagmire, spending our country toward third world levels of indebtedness, abandoning rule of law as they see fit, and re-interpreting the Constitution to suit their own short sighted agendas …”

On the surface, this comment seems well driven and inspirational to the projected audience you wish to acquire.
Upon review of your opinions in this matter, there are two primary questions that come to mind.

As a Strict Constructionist, I would like to know precisely which Laws and Constitution your are referring to in this comment.

Is it possible you could explain your comments?

Expounding on your initial assessment would do a lot more towards supporting the premise of your piece.
It would also reduce the reader’s inclination to disregard the comment as unfounded diatribe.


” … You guys are going to have to finally remember what it takes to swing a mean bat again, and soon! …”

Looking back, how is that working out for you?
The Democrats have the White House and both houses of Congress now, so what have they done?
They have all the “mean bat” in the world, just no direction.

All the time, the proverbial “crud hitting the fan” you speak about is washing up on the beaches of my home state as the current administration does nothing but hinder any substantial efforts to rectify the situation. They keep talking about what they are going to do, instead of what needs to be done.

I guess that is what you get for bringing a bat to a gunfight.

Take a little time to separate yourself from your initial argument, and make concerted efforts to do more than graze the surface of your intentions when writing a political piece. The last thing you want to do is carelessly give your opponent ammunition for their argument in rebuttal.

Thanks for the enjoyable read, and the “pep-rally” you provide to the Democrats.
Keep up the good work.

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Review by hiryuu
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I would like to start off by commending you on your effort in writing this piece.
I included a lot of corrections and suggestions with the review, but have thorough understanding English is probably not your first language.

You did a very good job.

Grammar and Form:
The flow is smooth.
You did a very good job of handling the language, and the following correction and suggestions are just to help you out.

” … even private thoughts was influenced by America …”
It should be ”were”.

” … to the Chicago bulls for a while …”
It should be ”Bulls”.

” … the Shah’s evil King dome was …”
It should be ”kingdom”.

” … I landed in Los Angeles International Airport. LAX is massive, it is impressive …”
It should be ”was”.

” … the movie maybe great but …”
It should be ”may be”.

Suggestions:
” …of my brother- the rebellion’s- first guitar …”
I think ”rebel’s” would actually work better here.

” …came to me in the 80s, and it did to everybody …”
I think ”as” would work better here.

” …is a hangover that may not always go away …”
I would get rid of the word ”always” here.


Context and Content:
The plot is interesting, and you support your point well.
I really like your choices in word use, and a very good job with imagery.




All of the following comments address points brought up by the author and are in no way intended to be harassing.

Observations:
” … We didn't have the internet in the 80s and even early 90's- at least not where I came from- we didn't trust our TV news either …”

You still cannot trust the news here, as it has its own agenda.
As far as the internet goes, “anybody can post anything”, about sums it up.
Most of the time it is not about what you get in information as much as how you dissect and digest it that makes the difference.



”… Stereotyping is shunned here, but on some level, consciously or sub-consciously many strive to fit those stereotypes, as if to gain some sort of identity from them …”

Stereotyping wasn’t shunned here, it is neutered by the false notion of being ”politically incorrect”.
Keeping that in mind, here is the award winning definition for “politically correct” from our good friends at Texas A&M.

”Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition it is entirely possible to pick a trud up by the clean end.” ~ Michael Leeden



You mentioned the possibility of America deceiving the rest of the world, when that is in all actuality the attempt of the rest of the world trying to define us by their means.

We are constantly bombarded by people telling us to conform to standards more in line with the rest of the world, when they fail to see what makes us different. If you want to get “in touch” with some of us die hard Americans that know what this country represents, and how it was intended to survive and operate in the world, I suggest you review the ”Federalist Papers” in your research.

This country is not about a Garden of Eden free of all misery and suffering, but about the ability to have a dream, work your ass off, and in return a chance to achieve your goals.

Thanks for the enjoyable read, and the special insight you give.

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Review by hiryuu
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a neat piece of flash fiction.

Title: Coffee with the Emperor
Pow … direct and to the point; much like the story.

Grammar and Form:
The flow is tight and well measured.
I did not find any grammatical errors.

Context and Content:
The plot is perfect for a short piece, and you carry it nicely.
I do have to admit that I wished things turned out better for Howard, but you did wrap up the piece well.

Thanks for the enjoyable read.

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Review by hiryuu
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
The ideas you bring along this story are a fresh look at an old problem.
Good Job!

Title: Hero of the Poetic
The title is fine, and suits the point of your story, but I would close the loop with ”Justice” or change the title to ”Poetic Justice” altogether.

Grammar and Form:
The flow is choppy at times, but the progression builds nicely.
There are a few errors in proper tense.

Examples:
” … daughter, Rebecca, stood beside me now …”
It should be ”stand”

” … She knows of all that I had done …”
Watch your tense, and in my opinion it would flow better with ”She knows all I have done.”

” … I hope she understood …”
You need to settle on a tense and stick with it.
”I hoped she understood” or ”I hope she understands”

There are a few more instances of tense flipping, but enough that I don’t want to assume I know which tense you wish to use. (mainly because it is one of my biggest problems)

If you find yourself at an impasse concerning the proper tense, let me know and maybe we can "Shang-hi" someone into helping us. The best tip that has worked for me is “keep your mind in the right place and time of the story”, and not in the words. It is also a good idea to keep the narrator and characters from reflecting on their own thoughts. This will cause tense problems.

Suggestion:
” … tore at the inside of me …”
This might flow better if you use “at my insides”


Context and Content:
The plot is easy to follow, and I liked the way you describe them as ”Demons”.
The concepts you present are understandable and believable.

Thanks for the read, and the story is worth looking into revisions.

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Review of Noir  
Review by hiryuu
Rated: E | (4.0)
This story is an interesting read, and a healthy dose of philosophical admonishment.
Good Job!

Title: Nior
Call me stupid, but I don’t see where it references the piece.
Perhaps there is more to the story.

Grammar and Form:
The flow is good, and the progression builds nicely.
I noticed on minor error.

” … Being place here with no explanation of your existence …”
It should be ”placed”.

Context and Content:
The plot is easy to follow, and your imagery is very good.
The word usage is mixed and predictable at times, but I think you try to emphasize your point more than expound on floral descriptions.




The following comments are related to points brought forth by the reader.
They are not intended to be harassing in any way.

Extra Comments on Content and Context:
I think it amazing how closely you associate the “Council” with the three prongs of the Trinity, as established in Christianity with The Father, Son and Holy Spirit. At the same time you represent a total disregard for established religion, outside of a sidebar comment as to its compounding effects on the “human virus” as a whole.

In any case, the Council sits in judgment just the same, therefore have set themselves up as the omnipotent arbitrators of what is right and just. If it were up to me to decide whether to stick with my fellow humans, or bow knee to the wishes of a group of arrogant meddlers, I would have told them to “kiss off”.

But hey, I am just human, and a decent representation of what they fear the most about us.

Example:
”Your emphasis of your future and fiction over history, ironically, is the inverse of our emphasis.”

If you are going to approach the philosophical points associated with your comment, you have to reflect on exactly what you perceive to be “history”. Even if you espouse to the scientific theories surrounding Earth’s existence, you have to understand that the planet has “cleansed” itself completely a total of six times over the last seven and a half billion years. Where you might find comfort in blaming humanity for our current dilemma, it gets no closer to explaining the other five times the surface of the earth was wiped clean without humans to blame.

Finally, it also reeks of false supremacy when the “aliens” express their intent to learn from humans as the product of an experiment. The amazing part is when they attempt to blame the experiment, and test subjects, for any failure that arises. It might be better for them to address their own scientific method. If they know so much, and have the ability to change everything, then it shows how much we are alike, when they choose to do nothing more than stand by and watch.

Thanks for the enjoyable read, and I like the way you express yourself.

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Review by hiryuu
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a great story, and well worth the read.
Very Good Job!

Title: A Pretty Cherry Gig
The title fits the piece well and is supported throughout the piece.

Grammar and Form:
The flow was good, and the progression builds nicely.
There are no glaring grammatical errors, although my less than keen proof-reading eye gave way to simply enjoying the story.

There are a few places where you forgot spaces between your paragraphs, but they should be easy enough to spot. (look for a wall of text)


Context and Content:
The plot is easy to follow, and your imagery is very good.
Your word usage is broad and fresh, and keeps the piece moving along smoothly.
The story is good, and has a sharp beginning as well as silky finish.

Thanks for the enjoyable read, and it is a shame it is over.

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Review of Dangerous Roger  
Review by hiryuu
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hmm … the most understandable part of this piece is the last sentence.
I have to say I really liked that sentence though, and it shows promise.
Perhaps expansion of some of the ideas in the story would be a good idea for us readers without a degree in quantum physics.

Title: Dangerous Rodger
The title fits the piece well, but if you could use the reference in to the father-in-law in the title, it might carry the piece better.

Grammar and Form:
I didn’t notice any grammatical errors.
The flow was nice, and the read was comfortable.

Context and Content:
I really like the imagery and plot in the story.
You do a good job of “carrying the moment” and setting the stage.

The material stretches the limits of understanding though, and you might want to expand a little more on the details.

Thanks for the read, and I am already interested in seeing how the story comes out.

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Review of Shifter  
Review by hiryuu
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
These two chapters look like a good start to a story worth carrying on.
The parts of the plot that you have exposed at this point seem to provide a magnitude of possibilities to explore.
Good work so far.


Title: Shifter
The title suggests to the reader the direct path you are taking with the story, and it has a way of taking some of the suspense out of the first action sequence. Don’t take it the wrong way, the title is appropriate for the story.

Grammar and Form:
I found a few things you might want to look at.

”Dane wondered if he should return to the tent and wake his brother and his wife and let them know that it sounded like a thunders storm was moving in and that they should probably put up a tarp to cover the tent before the rains came.”

You have a few things going on in this sentence.
You need to replace the and in bold, with a comma.

There are few times you refer to “his brother and his wife”.
You might be able to avoid any confusion, before you discuss the circumstances surrounding the main character’s wife, by using a phrase like “the other two” in this sentence.


” … attention was diverted someone put him into a choke hold … “
You might want to stick an as in there.

” … those of my duaghter and …”
It should be daughter.

”But, I would be greatly in your debt if you could help me out here and explain how I got here and why I am here if at all possible?”

Replace the first and with a comma.

The flow of the piece is okay, and the read was comfortable.


Context and Content:
You do a pretty good job with the imagery, and your description of the girl in the meadow effectively paints a picture.

You follow the plot well so far, but there are plenty of loose ends to tie up as you complete the story.
I look forward to seeing any additions to this piece.

Thanks for the pleasant read.

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Review of ball and chain  
Review by hiryuu
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This piece is a good glimpse into the internal struggles you face as a divorcee.
The fact you ponder and write about your thoughts, can be an indication that in due time you will stumble upon your balance.

If you are truly concerned about your situation in light of your ”vow before God”, take solace in the idea our sins can be forgiven.

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Review of Ghostwriter  
Review by hiryuu
Rated: E | (4.5)
This story is a pleasure to read.
It is well written and allows the reader to sit back and let the author drive.

Title: Ghostwriter
On rare occasions, I happen to come across an instance where the title serves multiple purposes.
The title is often the determining factor in giving a piece a second look, and where the author wants to give a glimpse into the plot of the story.

In this instance, you also do a wonderful job of using a connection between the title and the story, that allows the reader to “fill in the blanks” as your story progresses.



Grammar and Form:
I did not find any errors in grammar.
The flow of your piece allows for a comfortable read.



Context and Content:
The story is not complicated, and this makes it easy to follow.
You utilize the proper measures of dialog and description to keep the story moving.

You stay true to the plot, and do not wander off-track at any time.
You open and close the piece in a neat package that leaves the reader satisfied.

Very Good Job and Thanks for the Read!

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Review of Rainbow World  
Review by hiryuu
Rated: E | (4.0)

You have done an good job on this piece.
You explore a variety of emotions that range from subtle humor to caring throughout the story.

Title:
Rainbow World – Accurately describes the subject of the piece.

I do have to add, it was your brief description that actually enticed me into reading the piece.
If by some miracle, that could be transplanted into the title, you might capture more readers.



Grammar and Form:
I found one minor error in grammar.

” … lining the highways miles … “
I believe it should be highway’s or possibly highways’.

It is also generally accepted to stay away from contraction in the text, while they are still perfectly suitable for dialog.



Context and Content:
The imagery is good, and builds a picture easy to access by the reader.

Discrepancy in Description:
Description in the beginning of the story: ” … under a purple sky …”
Description towards the end of the story: ” … back to the land of green skies … “

Favorite Part:
My favorite part was the chuckle I could not contain, when I read the differing opinions concerning your snowsuit.
Good Job!



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