An interesting approach to a subject that examines the surreal phenomenon of the Indigo Girl and the complexities of the adoption market.
Title: Indigo Girl – It surely fits the subject matter.
Grammar and Form:
You really need to watch some of the flip-flopping in tense. (I have to work at it myself.)
Read the piece aloud to help single out the instances, and try to stay in the story, not the words.
A little work and you will have it polished up in no time.
” … of red showing through the hole in barrel … “
I think you need a ”the” in here.
Context and Content:
I noticed this piece is a Short Shots entry.
In the future, you might want to supply a link to the original contest requirements, and the prompts. Sometimes it helps to bring a reader into the focus of your piece
The best part of the piece is how you mix the two subjects in a manner that defines both well, and you open and close the piece neatly. This is a hard thing to do with a short story, and good job.
Title: The Legend of Uriah Johnson – couldn’t be more appropriate.
Grammar and Form: I should know better than to touch this one with a ten foot pole, but …
”comeuppance”
My right near bonified dictionary of sho nuff misspelt words, says that should be … "comeuppins".
Context and Content: If anyone ever says improper language, and a total disregard for grammar, makes a piece harder to read, I will send them your way. The plot is great, and the story is fulfilling. Your style and presentation is icing on the cake
If I had to pick a part I liked the most, it would still be a toss-up.
I cannot remember which one I laughed the hardest at.
It was either the Children of the Corn description, or the subtle humor when the main character talked about how silly Amberlee Swallows’ name was.
Your piece gives a very thorough description of the house.
Title: DreamLand – It does not seem to really relate to anything in the story yet, but you are just getting started.
Grammar and Form: For the most part the grammar looks good.
There are a few missed commas, as we all do from time to time.
Reading out loud can assist you in this area.
Context and Content: I started the review with the greatest impression I received from the piece.
You went into extreme detail describing the house.
You hinted at a few things surrounding the change in location, but you did not go into much detail about the characters or the situation. It leaves the reader with a certain “disconnect”, and hinders their ability to access the characters.
Suggestions: Here are two things you might want to try.
Take each descriptive paragraph regarding the house, and separate them with an addition including some more information about the circumstance. Include what the characters are thinking, and describe their mood in greater detail.
You can also go back and attempt to write the piece in 1st person, interjecting the character into the story using a stronger platform.
In any case, what you have written is good, and a decent foundation to start on.
Keep working on it, and you will be fine.
I made a drink and sat on the porch for a half-hour, after reading your piece, and prior to writing this review.
I will give it my best shot.
Title: Old Glory seemed a little “worn out” at first glance.
After reviewing the piece, I wouldn’t change it at all.
Grammar and Form:
I found no grammatical errors.
The point in the story you insert the flashback is superb.
The plot is well-developed, and the piece opens and closes in a “neat package”.
Content:
The storyline continually draws the reader in deeper.
The realism and “disconnect” reflected in the dialog during the flashback, is dead on.
The imagery is splendid.
I could go on, but I think I will read it again instead.
“When all the wars are over, and all the Generals have gone home … all we have left are the precious memories of the moments we stood side by side defending each other.”
Still Shaking and Thank You So Much for Reminding Me.
The title ... Hole in Her Head ... has a way of grabbing the reader’s attention, and completely fits.
Grammar:
I believe that when you are referring to the President of the United States, like you did in the piece, I think you are supposed to capitalize “president”.
Content:
Considering the nature of this piece, it is extremely hard to add thoughtful comment to the subject matter. The work does flow well, and you do a very good job following the plot. It begins and ends nicely, with all points wrapped up. This is important when writing short-stories. You never want to leave the reader hanging or unsatisfied, so Good Job.
Thank You for the Enjoyable Read.
Good Luck in Your Endeavors, hiryuu
I absolutely love reading pieces like these. The limits of logic and reason are tested and dissected into their smallest parts (pun intended).
Form and flow in this essay are superb. I can easily follow the trail through the complex ideas you present. The language is effective and concise. Considerable thought and research is evident in your preparation, as well as execution of the subject matter.
Grammar:
The only error I was able to find is located in the afterword.
” … will be sown to have … “ - should be shown
Content:
You did well in expressing and supporting your point.
I happen to agree with the premise of the piece, but have reserved the right not to expound on the subject. This is to encourage others to investigate the piece on their own, without preconceived notions as to where it will lead.
Excellent Job
Thank You for the Enjoyable and Enlightening Read.
Good Luck in Your Endeavors, hiryuu
The title ... The Tech Guy ... is applicable, and suits the subject matter.
Some changes you might want to consider: ”Mandy chimed in, “It needs replaced.” – either “to be replaced” or “replacing”.
” … slapped the nearest piece of paper on the glass with any kind of writing on it …”
This sentence loops back on itself, so maybe a revision like this: … slapped the nearest piece of paper with writing on the glass …
Content:
I know the story is about the Tech Guy, but the co-workers really stole the show. They are very believable and easy to relate with. They are the “someone I know” type of characters.
Very interesting and a nice neat package.
Good Luck in Your Endeavors, hiryuu
Some lessons are learned, while others are re-learned.
The title Moments of Gold truly describes both the plot of the story and the inspiration behind it. The piece is an easy read and flows well. I found no errors to note.
Content:
I think it is plain to see we have a proud father/grandfather here.
The part I liked the most was … ”My ways have been touched by time.”.
How true that is.
Thanks for the pleasure.
Good Work … and Have a Good Evening, hiryuu
This was an interesting read.
The title Marriage as a Jungle just doesn’t fit for me (opinion).
A suggestion about the construction of the piece:
You added a lot of background and description at the beginning of the piece, but in the latter part you moved into a “countdown” with internal thoughts/dialog. It might be a good idea to separate some of the dialog by leading the story with the “first sin” and putting the descriptive paragraphs between the subsequent points of the “countdown”. In my opinion that would work the same in expressing the points of both, with little rework to the piece.
Grammar and Content:
I personally would have put more descriptive additions in the dialog sequence to solidify exactly what part of the process the main character is at.
”I am a hammer, then a drill and finally, I look at the chainsaw.”
I believe the comma highlighted in the bold section above should fall after the word drill, or discarded altogether by modern standards.
” …my hand tightens on your 22 gauge shotgun … “
As a technacallity (I Googled it to make sure) … I have never seen, nor heard of a “22 gauge” shotgun. The most common gauges in that range are 20 and 12 gauge. Funny enough, the lower the number goes the more powerful the weapon. If you really want to give him a whopping, go with the 12 guage (buckshot - 3” high brass).
… in the sensitive skin of my buttocks and tummy …
I am really never a person that would encourage a deeper slip into deprivation, but in this case considering the forcefulness of your piece and gravity of the situation, it might be worth investigating alternate word use. Using these two words, at the point you did in the piece, kind of blew the mood for me.
It should be easy to come up with a replacement for “buttocks”.
“Tummy” seemed a little to “grade school” for me, and you might want to think about “stomach, gut or belly”. Something along those line in any case.
All said it was still an engaging read that captured my attention from beginning to end.
Good Work … keep pounding it out and have a nice day, hiryuu
It is an interesting story no doubt … but it leaves more questions than answers.
It made me wonder what became of you Paul … how do things work out … and how did you handle all the reconnection at a crucial point in your life.
Other than the sinking plot … the read was interesting and enjoyable.
Grammar and form were good
The title suits the theme/location … but could do a better job of addressing the plot.
Just goofing around … I might have titled it … “The Day I Met Myself”.
On a side note … good luck in your endeavors.
Good work … and keep pounding it out.
Excellent short piece of work … very descriptive and inviting.
The plotline keeps you guessing … waiting … and exposes itself in due time.
It was a wonderful journey through the rigorous turmoil of a family torn between the multiple facets of faith, desire and obligation.
Perhaps I just liked it as Gulf War vet … and always wondered what the other side was like.
The only thing I might change is the word “brisk” in … “open for the night and the air smelled brisk.”
An interesting take, or reflection, on ideas and possible circumstances not too far off in the future. The way you developed the ideas of complacency and dependence in the common man was a little strange for me, but the important part is that it was entertaining enough to read completely.
The ideas represent an insight into a philosophy that portrays most people as mindless boobs or “sheeple” that have an unconscious faith in their beloved government. At the same time your style, and the thoughts of both the old man and the main character, reflect the exact opposite opinion. This presents a certain conflict in the storyline.
Maybe if you explain how the old man survived, or just venture into why he would be sought out for information other than simply “surviving”. Maybe a short hint as to what he did prior to the incident would add validity to his perceived knowledge and wisdom. The whole piece gave me a strange George Orwell ~ 1984 feeling, but at the same time it offered the expectation of hope in the end. So that is good.
There are several occasions where the wording could be adjusted or "tooled up" to better facilitate the sentence, but I suffer from that same problem. Keep pounding it out and I look forward to seeing another piece develop.
You receive my meager stamp of approval.
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