AUCH, RELAYING THE PAIN OF EVENTS IN SUCH A GENTLE DESCRIBING WAY DOES TOUCH HOME COMPLETELY, STRONG AND RESPECTFULL WRITING THAT TAKES A FRESH AN DEEP ANGLE AT THE IMPACT OF THE DRAMA WITHOUT FOCUSING ON THE TERRIBLE ACTION BUT RATHER ON THE BEAUTY AND THE PROMISE THAT IS SWEPT AWAY, YOUR NARRATIVE STANDS OUT
QUITE A STRONG WAY OF DEALING WITH THE PERILS OF LOVE BY NURTURING ITS ESCENSE, QUITE WELL PUT, YET IF YOU ALLOW ME A SUGGESTION, HOW ABOUT " THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME SHINE BRIGHTER, AND MAKING ME A FIGHTER", SORT OF ROUNDENS THE FEEL MORE
apart from the christ reference in the epilogue I truly and utterly must comiserate with you, though in fair truth must be said 't is always been so that the masses were uncultured, they now merely speak so loud their rantings all but overpower the ear that seeks a finer tune
Pas mal monsieur, première pièce en français que je retrouves sur ce site, quand-même quelques petites erreures, "Vous continuez à acheter", " Et nous vous avons, avec ce pub, harcelés","Vous réalisez-vous que...", "Vous n' auriez rien changé", le thème est simple mais bien construit, choix de mots est bien aussi, à votre bonheure si vous gardez l'espoir de changer la bête humaine en écrivant
rumbling tumbling feeling due to the quick one on one rhyme, works like a charm, real neat treat, doesn't feel dark or death related to me though, rather the opposite even, even if some lullabies can make you feel like eternally relaxed, this reads full action
man what a blues tune, grab a guitar and give it some twelvebar yeah, good rolling rhythm, rhymes without rhyming, classic buildup in verse and chorus, always an achievement to write on those things that lots o' people feel in such a way that it leaves the reader feeling understood and with little to add, great
perfect yes, written like a snapshot or a tender wee charcoal drawing, describes that everturning moment of human ressurection in due respect, hail to the phoenix
look through the window, step through the door, don't try it the other way round though, I definitly like the way you bothered to put the intonation and cadance into your editing, works well to lighten up the words while the story goes dark, hope your writing gives you a better window and a door to the world, though changing is like dying, you don't have to die to expand your world
ok, bit of a strange read in the way it's put on paper, rhymescheme works though four lines on the same sound is a lot and tends to cramp the style a bit, message is as bent and curled as the corridors of the mind themselves, quite open and moving, neat writing
absolutely gorgeous story, reads like a bowl of cream, fluent in storyline, wording and phrasing, without much description the characters and circumstances really come to life with due attention to the full wheel of emotions,ending of course in love, brilliant
good fckng laugh of a peeping story, no hickups anywhere along the line, brief setup, obvious layout, works like a charm, neat capture of the moment of loosing your "emotional virginity" without going of the rails or loosing the line in overexposure; hearty, physical and fun
in the cadance of the poem, have you tried in the last line " always lies within the name"? excuse if it sounds impertinent to suggest any alteration, it's just to my mind the line rolls better that way. all in all good poem both in content and in phrasing, breaking each line in halves, sometimes adding, some juxtaposing, it's got character and wit
mind over body, body over mind, gorgeous the way you alter the position of character and emotion in every stanza, good fluent lines, not a word missing to wholy capture the scene from all angles, good balance in physical and emotional, action and reflection, only to end with the darker truth that in general it's the female that holds the dominant sex soulbound
hai, the way your bringing this forward sure sounds like fun, I feel like writing straight away, nice run through of the setup, just why does it say closed in the title? also you state an entry date of januari first and further down august the first, which is correct? sure like the wording and the pictures mixed in, guess I'll steam something up
hai, as I see this post goes back three years, which leaves me wondering how you feel about things now an whether you lived up to that commitment. as far as the poem goes, the raw description is best in scenes like this, your writing this down this way does however reflect more on your feeling about this than it actually says about the man in the picture, which touches on the fact that there's actually two problems bout sleeping rough, one in the experience of surviving out there, the other, quite different, in the eye of the beholder
hello again, this story is definetly picking up speed and character as it goes on, fun to feel the storyline evolving. also, the need for blasting the reader with bigger than doable escapades seems gone, leaving a neat transpositioning of characters and scenes from this everyday world into the not so common realm of an outerspace future, which makes the fantasy genre such a treat in its own right. a few hickups; in the description of the new las vegas, the double repeat of "inside the..." and few lines later again, could do with a change of phrasing, also the repetitive ants ants ants in the beginning of the contract killer scene is a bit thin, however much I agree with the status of most toilers for daily bread as mere worker ants, a typo in the l.edwards quote "knowledge" has the "l" missing, in the hackers' scene where you state "their aliasses is the only "name thing" they know..." I presume you ment to write either 'name' or 'thing', and finally in the same scene on the elation addiction, "swapping one addictionS for another" has an accidental plural there. the debris ride is a good one, reads like busy interstate traffic full of boulders instead of trucks and speeding traffic, like it.
hai, ain't nothing icaruslike in wanting more out of life, it's a pure survivalist trait I feel, indeed it's mainly the well off that claim poverty don't hurt as in you can't miss what you ain't got but hey, if I feel like painting but can't afford a fresh canvas till the next paycheck comes in, I feel like it's waisting precious quality time, ain't no sense in claiming only money makes you happy but a lack thereoff is hardly gonna help. you wanna get some discussionforum goin or just want some response? as far as your writingstyle goes, can't really put a review on this
wow, great fun. quick and decisive layout of storyboard and characters, straight description of characters and interaction, differing between the good and the adversaries, gives off the smell of adventure from the first line. in your starting alineas however it wouldn't hurt to swap some commas for full stops. further down a few hickups; in the introduction of moon, his arms were cover...ed , three sets ...of... vocal chords instead of 'if'; in the description of pilth, last line of the alinea, he would...have... added a few words. great the way you bring your characters to life with short bits of background info combined with bits of realtime action, the annotation" it is possible to fly angry" however would more correctly be "angrily". in the ghoul scene, " to pull it...'s... arms", "pilth caught up...with ... them" rather than 'to them', necessary rather than nessasary, and last, in the zombie part the words drawback and overcome can be written in one word, got the rest of the story written down already? quite enjoyable, hope this review is helpfull to you
hai, I liked the prologue well enough to dig in to the first chapter, so far so good; jumping from lively dreamscene to life on an old spacebarge to scheming mining executives to space recon works well as an overall chapter layout; I like the descriptiveness of your writing and particularly your multiple references to colours and lightpatterns, though maybe as a painter I'm somewhat biased in that area; in the beginning you use a description of 'anti air missiles', why not the military term 'ground to air missiles' or 'surface to air'? further on in the painting, the phrase ' the ship, with all hands were killed' comes down a bit tinkered, how about ' the ship was lost and all hands with it', or ' both ship and crew were lost'. in the mining description you write ' there they would be protected by the harsh elements', I guess you mean ' from the harsh elements' . in the space ride julius is taking I find the 'within a mere meter' over the top, also plucking a sheet of debris out with his hand comes across as a useable plot enhancer, but not very plausible physically speaking. overall enough there to want to read and review the next chapter
bit of a shock and awe opening works well, spreads the storyfield and puts the oposition of civil versus military, weak yet alive journalist versus though yet dying general in full colour; few phrasing suggestions where your use of time in the verbs is concerned, after the 'I let her get cocky' line, I suggest "we lost a lot of men" instead of 'lose', a few lines above that you write "I sicked my commanders..." where I'm not sure what you mean, and continue "to threw..." where i suppose you either meant 'to throw' or 'and threw'; all focus on the dialogue with very little descriptive background
as far as fantasy layout of a novel goes, this strikes me as a fairly original setup; usually we have the artificial intelligence counterposed to the freedom symbolized by the pirates, rebels and the like, here, the backcover entices the reader to partake in a story where most presets seem to be reset to an original take, good, and hope the book lives up to it.
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