I really enjoyed this short story! Your writing style flows very smoothly, and you have a natural sense of wit that had me laughing out loud as I read. I very much enjoyed the tone and pace of the story.
I also just loved the whole plot! I found that I myself was anxious to know what this sound was (although I had a hunch how it would all play out in the end and that I'd be left wondering). And, as a side note, I felt so bad for Fred and had a knot in my stomach over his final bill...ouch.
A few notes:
The first delivery guy refers to Fred as "Ryan," which I know he might be simply using Fred's last name, but I got kind of mixed up as to what his name was (he was Mr. Ryan most places, Fred Ryan once, and Ryan once.)
And, here are some grammatical/punctuation notes (the numbers are paragraph number):
5 - “I’m looking forward to living here; four years in a dorm room is enough.” - Using a semi-colon will tie these thoughts together and make it a more complete thought.
5 - Should be “Chilling out by the pool.” You hyphenate when something is used as an adjective (e.g., chilled-out person vs. he chilled out).
17 - Only one comma necessary in this sentence:
Passing the pool area, I saw the volleyball net and lounge chairs in place and the pool full of sparkling blue water.
18 - Comma missing here:
The den and the bedroom featured large closets, and the kitchen had an oversized pantry.
20 - Comma error - should be “I was doing a rough sketch of where my furniture would go when I heard a strange sound like a soft buzz.”
27 - I would say until after 7:00 rather than “after seven.”
64 - Again, I would say 10:00 instead of ten - especially as you use 6:00 a.m. later on
72 - suggest using a semi-colon instead of period: “to see if the sound would stop; it didn’t.”
86 - Suggest using a colon instead of period “noted the time on the alarm clock: it glowed 11:47"
118 - suggest using a semi-colon: had fibers smoking; the others hadn’t ignited.
126 - comma error - missing subject - “I felt woozy, but I got up and walked around"
129 - comma error - not needed - “I picked it up and had it about a foot off the ground when the bottom fell out”
131 - comma error + re-phrasing - “my phone rang a few minutes later just after the sound had stopped again.”
143 - comma error - “Hi, Mr. Ryan.”
176 - comma error - “he had knocked but didn’t get an answer”
192 - should be “kicked up” - no hyphen
195 - suggest using a semi-colon or colon “Jim’s prediction was correct: she wasn’t happy.”
206 - comma error - “Already having been accused of being crazy on a number of occasions and by both of my parents, I substituted…”
211 - need a comma after “Then” - “Then, we’ll go from there.”
218 - need a comma after “Then” - “Then, I heard the contractor laughing.”
229 - suggest using 10:00 to keep in line w/ what you’ve been using.
Whew, ok, sorry for the long list -- copyediting is something I do for a living, so I tend to get caught up in it :)
Wow! I really liked this poem For a "beginner," you have real talent with language! I can relate to the feelings, and I'm glad you didn't just come right out and say what you were feeling but, rather, SHOWED it through the butterfly. That is exactly what poetry is about!
My favorite line:
"Love so vast, your wings are my skies"
One place that I got caught on the words and it interrupted the flow:
"The queer, the peculiar,
Even the poisonous in-secular."
This piece is very vivid. The use of descriptive language is great. There are only a few things I would change, and that is mostly related to grammar. In your first line, I believe you suffered a missed keystroke “unconsciously” is missing its second “s”. In the 4th sentence, I noticed a word: “reawoken”. This word doesn’t exist and the word “on” is out of place. Perhaps you could put “Briefly awakened upon catching sight”. Next, in the last sentence, after the word “laughed”, the comma needs to be replaced with a semi colon as both parts of that sentence are independent clauses.
These are the only changes that I can find. Otherwise, great work! The language and ideas are there, it just needs to be firmed up a little
First of all, let me say that this is an outstanding piece. I always tend to take stories about the disabled particularly seriously because of personal reasons. I love stories where people overcome their disabilities (or as I like to call them, abilities), especially ones that involve children.
A Few Fine-Tuning Points
Todd's twisted foot caused himto walk with a drastic limp.
Just missed the "to" hehe.
“Great. Here comes the clown,” or, “Not on our team.”
There should be a comma between "or" and the next quotation mark...at least I'm pretty positive there should be.
"Fine. Maybe you do have a right to play. But you’ll have to do it on the other team."
This may seem trivial but you said you wanted a good quality review. As a reader, I would fine more emphasis in the word "Fine" if there were an exclamation point as opposed to a period. Of course, that is only a minute detail.
He had counted 27 patches of dandelions so far.
Numbers should always be written out when writing. I know, I'm being picky...but I haven't found much to critique so I'm just fine-tuning.
The big dark haired boy had hit a massive fly ball and it rocketed in the air.
I think it should be "rocketed into the air."
That just about does it. I loved this so very much! Thank you for sharing! Keep on writing!
The message of this poem is one everyone should hear. I am overjoyed to find another believer and to see that you are using your writing talent to share this wonderful message with the world.
Effectiveness
You touch every emotion, every feeling, and every doubt that I experienced when I came to Christ. When a reader finds his or herself in your poetry, that's when you know that it is superb. You have that special something that it takes most of us a lifetime to achieve. Not only did you catch and then hold my interest as a writer, but you brought to the surface these intense feelings I had inside me. That shows just how awesome this poem is.
Writing (grammar, spelling, ect.)
OK, poetry is a complicated thing. It is made up of a whole bunch of different parts. Let's start from the top!
Rhyme
You chose an ABCB rhyme scheme which you generally stuck to. In fact, the only stanza that doesn't follow this pattern is your last one. Perhaps you meant for this to happen. I know that sometimes I will throw in a twist like that right at the end of a poem, and since poetry doesn't have to rhyme I wasn't really bothered by it.
Rhythm
Poetry is almost like music. Each poem has its own rhythmic pattern. One of the toughest things about poetry is keeping this pattern of stresses throughout the entire piece. Alot of times, I find myself counting the syllables in each line in order to keep the same rhythmic pattern. I suggest getting a friend to read your poem out loud to you. See if they can find a comfortable rhythm throughout the poem. If there isn't a steady rhythmic pattern, a reader may find him or herself stopping and having to reread lines, which reduces the effectiveness of the piece. The feeling I got when reading your poem was that you had alot of good things to say, but you said them all at once, losing the rhythm that you had previously established. A few read throughs and some rearranging of words will clear that right up
tense
One thing that sort of bothered me was that you switched tenses a few times. You started out in present tense: "I walk into the palace.." But then in the 4th stanza you switched to past tense. This happened a couple of times. I know this is one of those pesky little details that you have to keep in mind. Trust me, I have found myself going back and having to change the tense of entire chapters of books before because I got so into what I was writing that I forgot what tense I started in ! Just read through your poem once and switch it around
Grammar/Spelling
Great job
Just a Couple Suggestions
I just made a few notes while reading through the poem that I wanted to share with you. First, in the 8th stanza you wrote "they come and come". This is just a suggestion, you don't have to change it if you don't want to, but it might sound better if you wrote something like "steadily, they come" or "they steadily come". This sort of fits with your rythmic pattern better. Also, in the 25th stanza you wrote "But I still could honor Him more". I'm not sure exactly what it is, but something there is not right. I think maybe it would sound a little better as "But still, I could honor him more." Also, you use the word more again as the last word in the second line of that stanza. Is there another word you could use so that you don't have the word "more" more than once in that stanza? Take a look and see.
Overall
This is a wonderful piece! I hope you write another one soon! I can't wait to see it!
Since you are obviously a Christian, I thought I might take this opportunity to share with you some links to some Christian Groups and forums on Writing.com!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #326253 by Not Available.
I was just checking out your portfolio because I am joining "The Colors of Autism" group. Two of my brothers are severely delayed, and while we do not think they are autistic,they are still not "normal," whatever that is . Your poem brought tears to my eyes. "past the toddlers who can talk..." While my brothers, ages five and six, can talk, they do not always know what they are saying. I know it frustrates my step-father that is only son speaks using lyrics of songs and video games. And my five-year-old brother often gets violent because of his lack of ability to convey his meaning. Anyway, anyone who has ever had an autistic child really knows the deep meaning behind that line, "the toddlers who can talk." There is just so much more I want to say about this poem, but I can't put it into words. Either I lack the vocabulary, or the ability... I will surely email you again once I am able to process it all. In the meantime, I would love to keep in contact with you. Again, thank you for this amazing and inspiring piece of love.
What a way to end a story :)...would have enjoyed learning more. I like your descriptiveness but I still feel the ending was abrupt. This would be nice as a scene in a longer story, possibly an adventure or romance. I would enjoy reading other pieces by you.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/inky_1
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.24 seconds at 11:43pm on Apr 27, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
For a "beginner," you have real talent with language! I can relate to the feelings, and I'm glad you didn't just come right out and say what you were feeling but, rather, SHOWED it through the butterfly. That is exactly what poetry is about!
I know, I'm being picky...but I haven't found much to critique so I'm just fine-tuning.
! Just read through your poem once and switch it around 