I had one more review to fulfill my commitment and I thought I'd check out one of your more recent poetry works.
I like the sing-song lyrical quality of the piece. It has its own metronomical rhythm that fits well with the idea of falling rain, but I don't think that the use of actual rain jibes well with the metaphorical approach to life. It's too literal to assist in addressing the broad concepts you seem to wish to talk about.
The underlying truths that seem to be the drive here are getting "washed out" by the odd phrasing and direct interaction of the rain with those concepts and your physical self.
It would seem to be more effective to keep both as abstract but powerful concepts, interacting metaphor with idea.
I like where you were trying to go and the valiant attempt, but rethink it and try again!
It's fascinating to me, after reading as much of your work as I have over the last few weeks, that certain experiences come through with a truth and power while other works lack the selfsame "oomph."
I don't know if it is even possible to have that kind of passion injected into everything we write, but it seems that we should, doesn't it? And if unsuccessful, it seems it should be our duty to try even harder as we grow.
I commend you for writing. This is a difficult thing to pursue, as is true with any artistic venture. I should know, I've been an artist (against my will from time to time) since I was a teenager and it still remains the greatest and most difficult struggle I've known.
I wish you the best of luck, and exhort you to find your voice - the voice that resides in this work, and the short story you wrote about your friend, and others that speak of you and your life - and continually seek to include us in that journey.
Thank you for the priveledge of reviewing your work and thank you for your patience with my occasional rants.
How funny that I chose this poem next in review and it ends exactly as the first one I reviewed! *lol* Obviously a coincidence, but I hope not all your work ends like this!
At any rate, this also has a nice series of thoughts and concepts strung together effectively, but what is missing for me in this one is an underlying sense of personal attachment.
I waited until the last few reviews to check out your poetry specifically because you noted that this was your preferred form.
If the rest of your work is anything like this, I can see what you mean.
It has its own shape and I don't mean the placement of the words themselves, although that in itself does assist in the inherent freedom of the thought.
I quite like it, although the beginning of the last stanza is odd, inconsistent with the rest of the poem. But otherwise, nice!
One beautiful summer's day in 1976, my two cousins and I were playing kickball out front when suddenly Amy, my six year old sister, came screaming through the front door with her pants around her ankles. She’d snotted up and her eyes were little more than slits from crying so hard. She stood at the top of the first step, gasping and snorting, her little booty bright red from the whipping she'd just gotten. It was the funniest thing we’d ever seen. We laughed until we snotted up and our eyes were little more than slits.
Revenge is so sweet.
(100 words also)
A little thought on condensing information to allow you the opportunity to expand more interesting areas.
Not bad, not bad at all. An interesting experience told fairly well, leading up to a very decent denoumont.
I will say again that a lot of what leads up to the meat of this story is ultimately unecessary. The seven paragraphs leading up to the beginning of the real story can easily be condensed and the real story can easily be deepened, as that is what we all want to read about anyway!
What's most interesting about this piece and ultimately surprising is how you gloss over your own part in this.
Perhaps it's a function of male detachment from overt displays of emotion, or perhaps it's something unrecognized, but what I would like to have heard more about is you and your hidden emotionality at the possible pain of your beloved son.
I dunno, I think you've missed the meat of the story. As with a couple of other tales, most of the earlier stuff could be gotten rid of or weaved into the tale to make it more compelling rather than a simple story of a date gone wrong.
It's pure human emotion that drives a reaction like that and I, for one, would like to have read more focus on that rather than all the detritus surrounding the pivotal moment, know what I mean?
Who says that good can't come from bad? That's one hell of a Thanksgiving story and I'll bet your family never ceases gaining pleasure from giving you hell about it!
This is written in an easy-going narratorial style; it flows smoothly and I have little to critique at this point.
I love pugs..they are the funniest and sweetest little animals I've ever come across. My friend had one that used to freely excerise his bodily functions on a regular basis! Who knew that pug farts could smell so bad? *whew*
I am sorry for your loss. But this is a very nice tribute to man's best little friend.
I understand this is supposed to be a light comic ditty, playing off the fact that he's a burgler, what with the sirens and all, but I'm confused about this one.
Is he just shopping and in a hurry? Did he actually poach a bag of potato chips to feed his family? That's a pretty sad burglar!
A decent little jig through a short emotional jag. Well encapsulated in a few short sentences. We understand the protagonists desire and hope and we also understand his crushing disappointment.
The only part that confuses me is the "drooping" of the crushed roses...wouldn't they just be destroyed?
In this, sir, lies your truest truth, the deepest honesty, and the voice that you need to have in all your work....starting right here:
It was 12.44 p.m....
Every detail before that are things to be included, to be reflected upon, to HEAR IN THE VOICE OF THE MAN THAT HAS LOST HIS BEST FRIEND, not as a precursor to that truth.
I am not being glib, nor glossing over how difficult this might be. I no longer care about any of the other work Ive read but to say I heard you for the first time..I hope it will not be the last...
Well, well! THIS is what I've been getting at! This is the truest voice in any of the pieces I have read so far, and what has been sorely missing from your fictional work.
I don't know how you should make this connection to your truth in your fictional work (if that's even the way you wish to go), but it is without a singular doubt, the one thing you need to do to make your fiction work.
I think perhaps I've identified the problem, maybe this will help you, maybe not.
You have the tendency to write from a third person narrative point of view. And while this is not an inherently ineffective methodology, it seems to serve your work ill.
The narrator, whether it be first/second/third person needs to be the most impassioned and most appropriate person telling this story. It HAS to be the most important thing they have ever told at that precise moment, or why would we, the reader, care to follow?
I'll eleaborate further as I notice this in other works (I do have to ultimately have 20 reviews, ya know)
Okay, I gotta give you a little somethin'-somethin' on this one...the ending is surprising and cute.
I'm continually struck by your descriptors...and I wish I could say that I think they are as strong as they can be.
I've said this a few times before, and god I don't wanna sound like a harpie, but I guess this is the main trouble I find in your writing.
I've no trouble with your story concepts, nor plot or thought so far...so what mainly I would love to see you improve upon is the depth of your description.
Okay, maybe it's just the two pieces I've read so far, but I see a theme emerging. I wonder if it'll hold true after reading several of your other works...
Anyway...hmm...I have no inherent desire to be didactic, a writer's style is just that, and it has to be taken into consideration when critiquing work. I'm forced to ask: Do you generally write for younger audiences? I noticed in your bio that you have an eight-year-old son, which would make perfect and complete sense when reading your work.
I don't think elementary is the right terminology, but I'm not sure what is! "Younger, simpler, clearer" perhaps.
What bugs me slightly is that the subject matter doesn't seem in keeping with the writing style. I would have expected "Frankenstein" as opposed to "Harry Potter"...now Harry is written very well, but there is a somber and frightening undertone to your work that flies in the face of a Potter-like dark mystery, especially when taking into account the gruesome nature of certain acts!
Well, I think I have just touched on it...it just popped into my head...your writing seems afraid to go to the depths of fear and anger and fright that it seems to want to. Does that make sense? I wonder if this is true, because it suddenly seems apparent to lil' ol' me.
In a nutshell: I think you can do better, your work seems to sell your skills short. I don't know why that is, and I could be completely off-base here. If I am, I apologize. I'll have to reassess and rethink why these two pieces I've read so far don't rise to what it feels like you're capable of...
Hmm, the first of my reviews of your port for the "Wildcard" review...I'll endeavor to be fair and honest, allrighty?
It's apparent that you have the ability to write well, so take these comments in that vein...
You seem to have a comedic tilt to this work initially, so I was preparing to familiarize myself with this character through that genre. I have to be honest and say that I was slightly disappointed at the slam cut from that comedic flair to the horrific event thinly veiled at the end.
There are some substance issues which bother me, and I'm not sure if it's because it is such a short work, or you chose not to address them:
1. Would the woman who had an abortion be allowed into heaven?
2. The immediate screaming insanity of the woman seems forced and inauthentic.
3. The glib nature of the two angels plays weakly. I think you can do better!
Additionally, there are some "extra words" which, if removed, could enhance the readability and effectiveness of the work.
I think you can totally get rid of the first paragraph. It's unnecessary as all of that is explained more effectively in the following paragraphs.
In my humble opinion, you can restructure some sentences to great effect, such as the closing sentence. You write:
"The fallen angel could say nothing and just stood, wingless shoulders drooped, listening to the agonized screams of his charge."
"The angel listened to the agonized weeping of his charge. He could say nothing, and stood silent, wings fallen, weeping himself."
Or something along those lines.
Even for a short piece, this could be really poignant and powerful if you gave it the weight emotionally and psychologically it deserves. I urge you to revisit this work, and polish it up!
I can only assume that you have some experience in writing! You haven't set your bio-block, nor any additional information. I write this with chagrin, because when I come accross a piece this nice, I like to find out about the author and perhaps read more of their work!
This is a wonderful lyrical piece, completely in line with the overall feel underlying the work. The protagonists' quandry is clear and defined, the structure strong and the prose evoking.
The two problems that I have with the work are these:
1. I'd like a clarification as to why a cello would even interest this woman. A childhood experience? A personal infatuation? Something denied? That it's merely a replacement for a man doesn't work. It's too thin.
2. I'd also like further characterizations of the two characters here, especially Mr. Feuermann. While I can the emotional state of the woman, I have a difficult time actually seeing her in my head. This is also true with Mr. F. A few character details will go a long way to clarifying both ad strenthening what is already a very strong work!!
AFter the description, I went into this piece hoping for an interesting ride. One of high expectation and hope...
To be honest, I couldn't get more than a few paragraphs into the work. There are several problems that stopped me from climbing on board and letting go completely.
First and foremost, the voice of the piece is missing. I assume that it predominantly comes from Kurt, the 8-year-old, and a "narrator". These are standard conventional devices that can work extremely well if clear and defined. That isn't happening yet in this case.
I have a 9-year old niece. A very smart, somewhat shy, pretty little girl with a propensity to mumble when she talks. She has a crooked smile and one hell of a head of hair. She has very specific ways of interacting with the world and communicating that interaction to people around her. A major problem that I have with Kurt is that he doesn't strike me as a real kid, brilliant or otherwise. His "voice" waffles and rings false. I would suggest you take some time to clearly define Kurt's interaction with the world from within his own mind. Currently, this doesn't seem to be the case.
Additionally, there are some writing methods that are odd and throwing the work off kilter. Sentences like: "The next day, morning sunshine washed over all the houses along Talisay Street. Kurt went to his aunt's house. He knocked real hard." It possesses an adult voice and a child's voice at the same time. Confusing!
"And of his late father's artistic paraphernalia. And with his juvenile mind, his fantasies struggled in reality; thus, the idea of The Shoebox." Again, this kind of structure fights with a natural flow that should be inherent.
You have a great idea here, and I would like to see it developed further.
You used a wonderful first person view that works very well in the telling of this tragedy. The story moves smoothly and quickly, with very little getting in the way of the flow, other than a few spelling errors (easily correctible).
The only thing that I would have liked to have seen, in terms of a dramatic story, is a heightening of the terrible angst of having a loved one ripped from your life over and over. There seems to be some sense of resignation which fights with the idea of their everlasting love.
If the loving family were to actually fight with the state and the drug mother and the other adopting family for the one they love, it would add fuel to the state's reasoning for leaning towards the other family! No one likes a pain in the neck, right? And if the family were to fight harder for the child, then the build up of passion to the final decision is heightened as well...
Okay, kiddo, you wanted a review, so I'm going to throw some ideas your way and hope they stick.
PLEASE do not get offended, but there are some basic ideas that would help what, at it's base, is some strong passionate writing, all right?
I've checked out all the works in your portfolio, and what advice I have to offer rings true throughout.
You have some talent young man. It won't take a whole hell of a lot to turn you into an actual writer, if you care to go that route.
But first and foremost, I think you need to sloooooowwww down in your writing. You are tossing ideas around far too quickly to make sense. It's evident in "Love is a Funnel". You've got about 18 different thought processes happening in a single paragraph. It makes it very difficult to read.
I'd suggest "funneling" just one or two ideas into your work, then take your time expounding upon those thoughts. A singular idea, worked through in several different ways if much more interesting than 10 thoughts worked in 1 way. Does that make sense?
I'm serious when I say you've got real talent!
By the way, this is just the opinion of one guy, so take it for what it's worth: the opinion of just one guy!
The protagonist seems strong and interesting. I found myself wanting to know more about her. The situation worked as described, although I would have liked to have seen more about her being taken by her peers and the angst and anger associated.
I took a heavy sigh before starting this review, only because I can see that you have writing ability. That much is obvious despite some spelling errors. However, your talent seems misapplied in this piece.
I'll tell you right up front, I REALLY don't like to review works like this, but I'm doing so because there is hope.
Please take my comments as they are intended: with genuine care.
I genuinely do not understand this work. You claim it a satire, but of what? After finishing the work, I sat back, shrugging with the feeling that it only feels mean spirited and sort of ugly.
While I understand the babysitters are supposed to be the antagonists, there isn't a single redeemable quality amongst any of them? And I don't know how it's possible, but even the baby doll is unsympathetic! Perhaps the children are nervous, scared and distracted. Perhaps the babydoll is jaded yet programmed for a little ray of hope. I guess my problem is this: I felt no purpose other than a pointless rant of endless predicament. And that is just downright depressing.
As I said earlier, you can write. And maybe I'm just in the wrong place to get this work, but I think this can be satirical, humorous, probing, and still bothersome...perhaps given a change of perspective or storytelling device.
All that being said, with a common rating of 4.5 stars, there is obviously an audience for this work that seem to enjoy it, so feel free to totally disregard my review and write on...
Very nicely told! Your writing is smooth and colorful, strong in imagery and sense memory. I could see and feel this character clearly and with some sentiment.
The only thing I would suggest is perhaps fleshing out the protagonists' past a little more. It is unclear why this box would be so important, especially when taking a missing/murky past into account. It feels as if a little clarity on this point would also clarify other portions of the work!
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