First Impression:
I thought this seemed like a very cute story from the beginning, which it is.
Plot:
The plot is very good, but it moves a little fast. If this was a children's book (I don't know if that is what you are going towards or not) the pictures could probably help you along with this. I believe that this idea could be expanded into a story, there is definitely enough content to do so.
Character(s):
You describe Wilbert nicely. As I have said this is a children's sonnet so it is short and sweet and would read well to little children. If you were to continue expanding this story I would describe some of the other characters like you did with Wilbert.
Grammar:
I found only a couple of small mistakes, but besides that it was very good.
In the seventh stanza,'"We'll have all sorts of fun and do all sorts of things!' you forgot to put in the beginning quotation mark.
At the end of the second to last stanza, '"No,not like that! Draw it this way instead.", you for another quotation mark.
Comments:
One of my main comments is that you don't have a continuous rhythm or format. The stanzas don't carry on a pattern. This could be a problem if you are reading this as a sonnet. Now if you were reading this as a children's book, each stanza could be a page in the book and I think everything would be fine, it all depends on what you are looking to do with this.
Another comment I have is that in the last stanza '"Sis I love you but get off my case!"' I know you were trying to rhyme but I don't know if many parents would like this saying in one of their children's books. They might think that it could be influential, but I am not an expert on that.
My last comment is that I think you should end it some other way than just "He was home!". To me it sounds incomplete and like you just wanted to get the sonnet over with. Something more creative would work better.
Overall:
This is a good children's sonnet, but there are some things that need work or revising. I believe that if you expand out this story it will turn out well. I wish you the best of luck with that!
Keep On Writing~
OKi
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Plot
This is a good plot. Very unique and thoughtful, it kept the reader captivated at all times.
Setting
The imagery you used in this poem was incredible. You help the reader picture the scene clearly and get more into the poem.
Technical/Grammar
I could not find problems with grammar in this poem. You seem like an experienced writer, so this probably isn't too big of a problem.
Overall Impression
My overall impression was that this story was captivating and unique. Two great things to see in a piece of literature.
My Rating
4.5 - This piece was really good, but it still needs that punch to make it spectacular.
Impression
This was a sweet short story. I would like to know more, like how did Hank find the pirate. Was there a lot of noise? Was he waiting up for Santa? Also try to ease the reader into the story, don't just give them a bunch of information in the beginning. I really liked the ending it was very well-thought out. I enjoyed reading your story a ton.
Suggestions
There were just some errors that I think need to be fixed.
"It was the night before Christmas. And everyone except a little boy named Hank was asleep" It sounds like you are throwing a bunch of information at us in that whole first paragraph. Why don't you try something like this, "It was the bight before Christmas. Hank ran down the stairs looking for Santa. Something moved in the bushes. 'Thats odd' thought Hank 'Santa comes down from the chimney....." and just continue on with that. This way to the reader it won't feel like you thrust information at us.
"black and brown and red beard" That color combination doesn't seem right to me. I just think I can't picture black and red together, I think it should be brown and red. It will be easier for the reading to picture this pirate.
Rating
4.5 - The beginning is all that really needs to be fixed, besides that it is a wonderful story. Another category you could put it under would be "Holiday" it might get more views.
Impression
That was a very cute little story, it is always hard to talk to the opposite gender. I liked the end, especially since he realized that he didn't have to plan anything at all. It is a nice lesson learned.
Suggestions
There was some grammar problems, but it wasn't anything huge, just little mistakes.
"turning to back face the blackboard." You don't need the word "back" in there, you are repeating yourself.
"Only ten more minutes…that dragged on forever." I believe that you should rearrange the sentence a little bit so it sounds like this, "Only ten more minutes that... dragged on forever." This helps your point come across better.
Rating
5.0 - This was a wonderfully written story. I enjoyed reading it very, very much. It hooks the reader into the story so that they don't want to stop. Only a few little errors, nothing big to worry about.
Plot
That was an interesting plot. I liked the twist and how he got left there. You didn't entirely wrap it up at the end and left the reader with questions and that was good.
Characters
We didn't get to hear much about what the characters were like. The most I heard about one character was probably of Tranas V. I would like to know more about Antos, what he looks like, whats his personality like.
Pacing
The pacing was wonderful, not too fast, not too slow.
Setting
You did an excellent job of describing the setting. It makes the reader feel like they really know what this dead planet looks like. It would have taken a lot of creativity to create this setting. Congrats!
Dialogue.
Not much dialogue in this, but I didn't mind all that much. It was a short story so missing dialogue was not a big deal since you were wrapped up in the plot.
Technical/Grammar
I noticed one part where there was a word spelled wrong, "hthey found no sign that his" I think you meant "he" because it makes more sense in the sentence if it were that.
Overall Impression
My overall impression was that this was a well written story and I enjoyed reading it.
My Rating
4.0 -it was a little confusing at times since it was suppose to be in the future I didn't understand some of the space stuff you were talking about.
Keep On Writing!
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Plot
That is a truely touching plot. I am speechless for words. There is nothing you need to change about the plot.
Characters
We don't really learn much about the characters, or how long they have been friends. We basically just know they're names. It would be nice to hear a little more about them, help us understand the story more.
Pacing
The pacing was perfect. Not too fast, not too slow.
Setting
We didn't hear much about the setting either, but on this short story I don't think it was a big deal.
Dialogue.
The dialogue was good. It seemed to flow very well and connect with the rest of the story.
Technical/Grammar
When you go from writing about the funeral/sorrow to writing about the middle of the night, you need more than just a new paragraph there. Try either double spacing that part or astiks would work well there.
Overall Impression
This story was very touching. I enjoyed reading it!
My Rating
4.5 - The story was really good, but it was missing that one thing to make it extraordinary.
Keep On Writing!
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Plot
You have a good plot to begin with. I understand this is just a chapter, so it is just the beginning. I don't see any big need to change anything except that you can drag out the chapter a little more and make it longer. It could really use some streching out at the beginning. Don't worry about it being to long, people like to understand what is happening. Anyways it won't seemed like you skipped something inbetween when school starts and ends.
Characters
I liked your characters a lot. It wouldn't hurt to tell the readers a little more about the main character, Madison. But if you do add more information about here, don't tell the readers so bluntly, make them have to kind of infer it from your writing. This is a good example. "First she had her AP English class, then advanced journalism, and was exempt from her third period for newspaper and yearbook club," This is a great way for the reader to infer that Madison likes to write.
Pacing
Most of your pacing was good, wasn't too fast or too slow. Only in the beginning did it seem like you were throwing information at the reader. For the beginning, try to check the readers eye, and feed them information slowly, so they can take it all in. Don't forget to include a hook to your story either! You want to grad the readers attention.
Setting
There wasn't much in there about the setting. Believe it or not the setting is a very important part of the story. It can make the overall mood what it is. Like going down a dark, mysterious alley seems creepy; but walking on a sandy beach at sunset can seem romantic. I really would have liked to learn more about the setting of the school at the beginning. Maybe you should try describing what Madison sees as she walks to her first class, like how all the "students hustle about the halls". The setting of the apartment would also be an interesting place to here about. Is it modern? Or does it have the grandparents styling of stuff out of date?
Dialogue
For some reason the dialogue didn't seem to really flow. All I can really suggest is maybe trying the Dialogue 500 contest and try getting the hang at how dialogue all works.
Technical/Grammar
At this one part, "pleaded the, tan skinned,sho girl in the seat" I think you spelled "sho girl" wrong and that there is a "w" after the "o". Also, that doesn't really sound like Alexa the rebel.
One other part, "'Madison,' could be heard being yelled by someone down the front pavilion." I believe that sentence should be rearranged maybe to something like this, "'Madison,' someone called from the front pavilion." It reads better than the other sentence and it will flow with the next sentence also.
Overall Impression
My overall impression was that it was a good story. It does need some work and I suggest that you reread your story (reading out loud helps a ton) and see if there is anything that needs to be changed.
My Rating
4.0 It has a good plot and characters, but in other sections there needs to be some revising.
I like how you leave the reader without a ton of information, it keeps them interested in the rest of the story. I love the choice of words you use, it's very descriptive. At this one part "she had never become inured to" The word ;inured' doesn't seem to make sense to me. Do you mean she never had a use for the stone, or that it there wasn't any benefits of having the stone. I just don't seem to understand. I am just checking you wanted this part to be spelled like this "magik prowess". Once again I didn't know if you knew about the 'u' "{c;orange}white globule". The names you chose are amazing, I have the hardest time coming up with names. There is a spelling error in this sentence "forcing tears to lace around her alomnd-eyes" 'alomnd-eyes' should be changed to 'almond-eyes'. The ending has a very good twist. It is an excellent hook to lure you into reading the rest of the story. The only bad thing about the prologue is that it is a little hard to follow and to understand. I know that you don't want to explain too much, or give to much away, but just a little more information about the Mages or the creatures might help the reader feel more inclined to read the rest of the story.
Wow, that was an amazing poem. I had to reread it to understand it better. In
the 2nd stanza the rhythm kind of off "The blade plunged through my Brother's chest
piecered mine as well" the second line is a little short, it doesn't sound right with the rest of the poem. You can
try "The blade plunged through my Brother's chest as it piecered mine as well". Another
spot that needs a little fix up is in 4th stanza "And have felt the geild kiss of the
Devil himself" the last line sounds short. You could try this:
"I have heard the Messiah
doubt the Father
And have felt the gelid kiss
Of the Devil himself."
You could seperate the first line into two. This poem was a great pleasure to read, I hope you keep
up the good work!
I liked this poem, you expressed emotions very well throughout the poem. The only real
problem I have is with the rhythm. You will have good lines like: "You led the way, So
very long" (2nd stanza) sounds wonderful, but then once you move on to the next two lines
"And made my climb so undemanding" doesn't sound quite as good as the first two did
together. Rhythm is hard to get right, I suggest you rewrite your poem, and this time
think about rhythm and if it has a beat. What really helps is if you read it out loud (I
know it might seem stupid, but trust me). The storyline is great, but work on the
rhythm.
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