Hi, my name is Jim. I am a total Newbie, as I have only been on this website for a few days, and have not written anything in three decades. I do, however, love to read and I really enjoyed reading your story. It's not often that a story can grab my attention and hold it as your's did. I noticed a couple of things that you may want to correct:
'What affect us' think about 'What affects us'
that same force that repelled my hand from the stones is the same thing I would experience with any other object. I suggest getting rid of one occurence of the word 'same'
unrepented sin in the heart of most men should be unrepentant (check my spelling) heart should be hearts
That they could hold their power over me and I was helpless to retaliate. sentence fragment
Then the next. fragment (section with the rats)
It's minor stuff. I would reread it and smooth out some of the sentences that are kind of clunky and don't flow too well. The story itself is gripping. One more thing and then I'll leave you alone. As a reader, I realized that you couldn't help making this whole thing a descriptive narative because hey, the guy was stuck in a well. I'm looking forward now to some actual action, dialogue and character interaction.
Hi, my name is Jim. I'm a total newbie. I like the chapter. It's a good start. The characters seem natural and believeable. I noticed a couple of things that you may want to be aware of:
But no one noticed them. not a sentence
And then back on again. not a sentence
Or had it been further back? not a sentence
If anything ever did. not a sentence
But his best buddy. not a sentence
Period. not a sentence
You see where I'm going with this? They're easy fixes, just back them up, remove the capitalization and add a comma. You may not be too concerned about these since the book is already on Amazon, but I wouldn't be very honest if I didn't at least mention them. I wish you the best of luck in your writing!
Jim
I can see where you're trying to go with the story. The plot has possibilities. The most glaring problem is with the basics of the English language. The piece has many problems with grammer and punctuation. There are many cases of run on sentences. Many words that should be capitalized, aren't. Some of the plot elements don't make sense. For instance, the girl uses her phone to text her mother, asking her to dial 911. Why doesn't the girl dial 911? You say that the father is kidnapping her, but I never feel that she is in any real danger. The few sentences that you have do not contain enough to constitute a chapter. I would advise you to get a copy of a book entitled: "The Elements of Style". You can get it at any library. If you really want to take your writing to the next level, you must have proper grammer and punctuation. Otherwise, your writing is just too hard to read. Above all, keep writing! Don't be discouraged by this review. I'm writing it because I want to see you succeed! If I didn't care, I wouldn't bother. I hope that this helps you. Jim
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