Nicely done. Those who might be offended probably won't understand it, but your piece will be appreciated by those of us with a ribald sense of humor. It is clever and just long enough to keeps readers smiling as you unveil each important piece of the party package.
It's not all your fault, Paige. Some people give lousy directions. For example, when a guy tells me turn left where the old school used to be, and this is my first trip to his town, it doesn't help very much.
But even worse is the old guy who thinks about it for a long, long time, and then says, "You can't get there from here."
One little thing, but it's a question not a correction:[... bobbing my head like (a?) bobble-head dog]. Anyway...nicely done. I like it.
I enjoyed my scary trip with Matt. I stuck with him all the way. I knew only one of us would get out alive and it wouldn't be Matt. But I had to know. You had me in his world the whole trip.
It's another excellent piece of writing. Some readers may miss out on what you've created because they can't suspend their belief long enough to get the full impact.
It’s about Time Somebody Caught up with Those Phonies
You are so right! You’d think folks would have learned something after all that stuff in Salem. But no, they just keep dumping on the witches...witches that are just trying to clean up the neighborhood.
And damn it; it’s not just the witches. How about that little strumpet living in the woods with seven (that’s right seven!) little guys? Instead of getting accolades for getting her out of the house her caring step-momma gets her image bashed.Even her own mirror turned against her.
It is so refreshing to find someone with your objectivity and fairness --- and keen sense of humor.
And you know something else? You are a mighty fine writer. Loved this piece. Such creativity is a precious gift. Thank you for sharing it.
Love your work. My old gray matter ain't what it used to be. But that's good, 'cause I'll get something fresh every time I reread one of your poems from the May and Gwin series. They make me feel good... vicarious satisfaction I guess.
I like the premise of three little guys in hot competition. It presents a cute image, provides an opportunity to develop comedic conflict, and a chance to show good sportsmanship.
To me, though, this little story does not ring true. I think the cause may be the choice of words in the opening paragraphs. For example, one would hardly watch “in amazement as they mounted their three wheeled machines.” Most readers would watch with “amusement” as the kids “hopped on their little tricycles and buckled their helmets”
Another lapse in credibility is the idea of three youngsters tweaking their tricycles all morning. This is not the tour de France. We don’t know their ages, but it’s unlikely they have the skills or tools with them to “tweak” for more than a few minutes and certainly not all morning
Another glitz for me with the credibility was the three riders “shooting across the starting line” from a standing start. If it was a running start it must be explained.
I think the whole piece would have more verisimilitude and reader involvement if we knew the ages of the children and the relationship of the narrator.
Another subjective bump came with the comment that Rae Lynn was “more than a little annoyed etc.” Why would she be annoyed by the writer capturing a joyful, funny little adventure so it could be shared with others and enjoyed again?
I also wondered why Jon drove into the pond. In the end, the author explained that Jon had wanted to swim in that pond for months. Would it not be better if his motivation was not selfish? Suppose he did it just to show his brothers he was a good sport and there would be no winner?.
Some minor corrections: hair pen, should be hairpin. Track should be track’s.
This review may sound harsh, but I hope it's helpful. Please don’t abandon this tender little story. You can make it better. Add some of your mature observations about the race and what it shows about the children’s character and empathy.
One last note: Titles are important. “The Race” gives no clue about the meat of the story. Perhaps something like, “The Race That Everybody Won”
Creativity is a precious gift. Write it so you can share it.
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