You hooked me, and held me. And that's (as Martha would say) a good thing. Had you not, I would have missed out on an excellent piece of writing.
Your story flows smoothly with a judicious balance of description and emotion that lets your reader see and feel what is happening. The subtle touches of humor enhance your character's personality.
Your command of our language is excellent,,,word choice, phrasing, sentence structure...all the tools you need to tell a story well.
I look forward to reading the other third of this story. Please let me know when it's done.
W.D., I love your story. Some really great lines like "hurried it along" for example. And the wind whistling through the bullet hole struck a note with me (c#.). Only bit I didn't dig was the worm. Such a a lovely couple; who needs worms?
So a pie in the face is hack. Who cares? It can still be funny when handled well, and that you did. Good humor often relies on interesting characters, and Jared is one interesting character.
Your story line makes sense, too. When you have a story, the funny often drops in when you hardly expect it, and doesn't sound forced.
Keike, you are off to a good start with your novel. Your words have a Bible-like flow to them which is appropriate for this story of temptation.
One suggestion: try to tighten up your story without changing the meaning. Here are examples that might help you:
I was seven when evil first came to me. I sensed its cold presence. I felt the room grow still as darkness grew around me. I could see nothing. I was lost and confused. I knew evil had come for my soul and I cowered in terror.
And then, the voice of the Lord came to me on a gust of wind and He said,
"I have plans for you. They are plans of peace and not of harm…plans to give you hope and a future. When you call and pray unto me, I will hearken unto you. When you seek me with all your heart, I will hearken unto you."
This says the same as your original without changing the meaning, but with fewer words.
These are just suggestion, Keike, but they may help you tighten up your story and make it flow a little smoother.
Robert, I have to tell you, I enjoyed the trip into space with The Bob. If I knew in advance it was going to be a 2300 plus word odyssey, I might have stayed home. But you hooked me early and played me well. I'm glad you caught me.
Your characters are real characters. Each has a unique personality which you show nicely with the dialogue. The names, too, are very descriptive: "General Phipz and His Excellency, High Lord Belchen.”
Even though these guys are from the Fornacarian Empire, they are not just a couple of your typical f***ups; they are on a serious mission.
The Bob's reaction to their meetings is very appropriate: “Holy crap! Jesus H. Christ!” Most of us would have expressed the same degree of surprise, but not as eloquently.
One literary technique that you used so effectively was this James Joyce-like 66 word sentence: "They are presumptuous and domineering, and think that the whole damn Universe revolves around them without ever having a care as to who they wake up at 2:57 in the morning with their whispering and scratching and farting noises, and then transport that person on-board their alien spaceship in the middle of the night so that they can go tearing through space at totally unimaginable speeds." It accelerates your story and your reader. Very clever.
Your piece has too many witty bits to list them all, but among my favorites are:
"I remember it like it was yesterday. In fact, it was yesterday,"
"...a lonely girl's battery-operated best friend..."
"And this guy was smart. You could see it in his stupid, blank stare."
“2012?” Belchen slapped his forehead with his tongue. “Phipz! The machine is doing it
again!
"Good job, Bob,” Belchen said. “I knew you could do it! You the Bob!”
The debouchment makes sense to me. I like happy endings.
Couple of nit pickings: Just a personal thing, but I'm not into gross for...Oh, for grossness sake! For example, "and sores all over him that look like boils that are about ready to burst." That doesn't seem necessary to the story. But the farting and belching are germane to the characters' personas.
Typo or intent? "without having been all over the know (n) universe." And, “disgusting in an (or a?)vomiting kind ..."
A great piece of humor, Robert. It should be must reading for all who want to write funny.
Your well-written and well-l constructed story captured and held my interest from beginning to end. I felt empathy for the examiner as he performed his duties with tender respect. Lost in your story, I forgot that it was rated E and hoped that it was not going to shock me with a case of necrophilia. I am so glad it didn't.
Zipping the garment bag closed is a masterful touch of finality to your story.
You caught and held my interest with this story from beginning to end. It has a well-constructed plot with flow and logic right to "The End."
One section you might consider reworking: The snippets of conversation. To my ear they sounded more like bits of a phone conversation than two people having a face-to-face chat. Perhaps if the lady addressed her companion by name, it would add a touch of reality.
You've done an excellent job of following the prompt and setting an unusual scene that we can picture.
Bill, I enjoyed your tale of woe and the Thanksgiving Day you must have been happy to see go. It's a fine example that humor is truth and pain and the truth is that it's funnier when it's some other guy's pain.
The piece is replete with neat, colorful, descriptive language and imagery. Among my favorites:"the lobotomized brain of the antique oven," and "I must have looked like a hard-shelled beetle flipped over on its back."
The reference to Tim Conway doing his "little old man" works especially well for those of us who remember the character, yet still works with the youngsters who say, "Tim who?". They still get the picture, even if it's their own.
Excellent little story, well told. And it could happen. I especially like the happy ending which is really a new beginning.
You handled a serious message about man's collective stupidity with a nice light touch that made the whole thing flow smoothly. I also like the shot at politicians and their boltholes.
Love your poem, Ken. It certainly deserved the smiles and laughs it earned from me. Very well done.
I will visit your portfolio and enjoy more of your material in the near future.
Whazzza matter wit use? You gotta no suspect for pipples wit accenturas? Wadda you tink use a momma gonna say? ” She a say, “He-sa gooda boy, but he like a make fun a da way pipples talk?” I donna tink a so.
But choo wanna know a sump tings? Use do it real good. You make a me smile a whole lot an a show my gold teets. You funny as hell, V .D. You give a me a big dose of laughs wit no drips. And I hope use spella-checker-upper don go nuts and blow its a fuse.
A nice tale told with a Native American's flare for oral history. How appropriate that the middle of Was***u is 's***' which reflects much of white behavior to "The People" and the resources they were willing to share.
I like the happy ending and its message.
One little nitpick: "."...one evening while setting..."should be "while sitting."
Maybe it's not great poetry, but it speaks a great truth in a few lines. It should give heart to all who have received a low ball from someone who just didn't understand them.Too bad; it's their loss.
One thing I've found that may make folks feel better is to check the reviewer's portfolio. What they've written indicates what they think is good. That can be a big clue about why they like or dislike what you've written.
Your little essay moved me deeply. It should be required reading; because if it’s not required many who should get the message will just skim on by without absorbing it. It’s the sort of message from the heart that can change people’s lives and the lives of others.
After reading it, I retrieved a letter from the pile on my desk that came from South Jersey Healthcare Hospice. I had set it aside, intending to make a small donation. (I can assure you, I will send them a check today.)
I don’t like to be around the sick and infirm, but I have the utmost admiration for caregivers. Thank God there are people such as you with the compassion and temperament to do the job for us cowards who ignore doing what someone must do.
I have witnessed Hospice’s volunteer work with terminally ill friends and I know what it meant to the patients and their families to have such loving support.
###
The content of your essay deserves more than the 5.0, which I’ve given it. I would also like to offer two suggestions for improving the mechanics of the piece:
Your last paragraph should be your lead paragraph. That’s the powerful message you want even those who only scan your item to get:” It takes a very special person to be a home care provider.”
Add a headline to the piece: Something that grabs attention such as, “Do Your Have What It Takes?” Or, “Wanted: People with Compassion and Patience.” Etc.
I would also suggest you send this piece as a letter to the editor of your daily or weekly newspaper.
Since I’m a male, I can’t say “Been there; Done that.” But I have been around enough women who have and who have subjected me to their less than reasonable perspective of what’s happening at the moment.
I think you do a beautiful job of summing up PMS behavior. I especially like this part: …”I'm going to be a bitch, and a freaking lunatic. I'm going to cry and carry on all wild-eyed and small children will run from me.” Oh that there could only be more women with your objectivity.
You’ve turned a brutal truth into a comedic romp. I’m sure the truth and humor of your piece will make a lot of women (and a few guys) smile and grimace at the same time.
Hey, my witty counselor, your brief makes an excellent case for cutting a workable compromise that satisfies both parties. You may have established a new precedent for coping with dogs that trash trash.
The plot of your little tale (tail?) is hooking, bounces forward nicely, and flows smoothly toward the tail-wagging denouement. Your diction is delightful. For example: “This smart-ass part pit bull, but mostly pretty ugly mutt with an attitude, found solace in my garbage container as the midnight hour approached.” And, that’s just one of many gems.
Keep producing such excellent work and making readers smile.
First, a story is a promise. Unless you're known to your potential reader, the title is what attracts that reader to your story. If you promise "Alternate History,"you must deliver on that promise, or you'll disappoint your reader.
Second, your first paragraph should be a strong hook that grabs your reader. If you can introduce the conflict early on between Ben and his father about going off to fight the Rebs, you have the start of a story.
Third, the episode with John Hanson does not move the story forward or sound true. You have to establish that the two guys the sheriff blows away were a serious threat and not just followers.
The Civil War is a rich source of material, but I think if you rework your story and emphasize the conflict between Ben and his dad, you'll have a more interesting tale.
Keep writing and reading. Remember editors and reviewers are just people with their own ideas about what works and doesn't work. You don't have to take advice, but you should weigh it carefully. Some of it will be helpful.
Above all, don't get discouraged by reviews or ratings.
I enjoyed the dreamlike feeling you've created with your well chosen words. The opening hooked me like a hungry trout.
The empathy you elicit for Pegasus is handled nicely and not overdone. Your description is colorful without straining and lets the reader use his/her imagination with yours.
One little nitpicky:repeated word "the the terrible abuse ..."
Keep up the good writing and keep sharing it with others.
Congratulations on your win. Your story was well-plotted and never plodded. It moved as briskly as the protagonist's bowels. It also followed the prompt well without hitting the reader over the head with it. No grammatical errors that I could spot.
You really deserve a five today.
Jack
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