What a tale of feminine empowerment. I'm usually not impressed by fantasy/fairy tales/mythical creature stories, but this is a new and delicious fairy tale.
Some things I especially liked:
-The whole mermaid mystique, but in a new, kind of interesting evil, way.
-The Chinese connection. That launches the story.
-The word 'preciousness.' When I re-read the story, it jumped out at me, it sounds sarcastic and foreshadows how your feelings will evolve about that 'pretty cartoon.'
-The whole idea of the boyfriend being the 'fisherman' works.
-The Last Sentence was a stunner. Loved it!
-You take the reader from childish acceptance in 'pretty cartoons' to mature self-determination in a 'sea of my own making.'
I LOVE this tale! There may be some errors that a better reviewer will catch and/or correct, but for me, this rates 5 stars.
This is original and quirky. A response to Frost's poem. Love it.
Some things that succeed for me:
-The letter format works, it connects the reader to Frost.
-Each line is a question in response to the original poem. That works.
-Your vocabulary echoes the words in Frost's poem (converged, yellow woods, traveled). Nice.
Some things I would change:
-I don't think you need quotation marks around the body of the letter.
-I would change 'lied' to 'lie.'
-I would leave off the ellipses (...) at the end of each line.
-Since it's a letter, I'd like to see a closing (your friend) and a name at the end. [Maybe that's just the elementary teacher in me. :)]
Thanks for an enjoyable tribute to one of my favorite poems. I'm rating it 3.5 with much potential.
I enjoyed this fun, rhyming poem. Kids will like the sing-song-iness.
In just a few words, the reader follows the speaker through her day. First she brings her friend a drink, then goes for a swim, followed by a bath, then laundry, and finally outdoors to water the tree. And at the end of the day, wishing for a coke, suggesting maybe some excitement in a drab everyday life.
The poem suggests the many uses of water: drinking, swimming, bathing, cleansing, plant-watering. Ironic that the thing the speaker wishes for (the coke) can only be used for one of these activities.
Recent articles suggest that, in the not too distant future, wars will be fought over water rights because of the increasing scarcity of fresh water. In this light, the suggestion that there is a 'problem with water' is potent.
I'm probably overthinking this short, cute poem. But I wanted to show you how I enjoyed it on several levels. Maybe the Coca Cola company would feel the same way. ($)
I think this poem is all it should be and I've rated it 5 stars.
Yikes! This gave me the shivers. I'm picturing a pedophile sneaking away with a little girl, holding her in a trance, while her parents sleep in the next room. At the same time that it spreads chills up my spine, it fascinates me, holding me captive right to the terrifying end: 'Let me whisper in your ear.'
Even as you use the most banal phrases (hair up in curlers; god is love), your words create an effective vignette of muted horror. Clues like 'they knew you'd be gone' and 'like all's been forgiven' and 'I'll show you what daddy does for a living,' and especially 'Til mama can't hear the wind on your bones,' kept me searching for your true meaning; all the time I was thinking, 'Surely not.'
Nice poem. I like the way you show the speaker's character with lines like 'I'm sorry, but then again, I'm not.' I like your speaker's honest sincerity.
Here are a few things I would change.
You’re (instead of Your) jealous...
I like it.
I'm sorry, but then again, I'm not.
That is the only way I know you care.
I just wish you realized this.
Instead of pretending that it’s (instead of 'it') all in my imagination.
I can only smile.
I'm not even trying to make you jealous.
You let the green monster (Leave out 'come') out (Leave out 'of you') whenever another guy makes me laugh.
I don't mean to. I would prefer it was you.
So what now?
Are you ever going (instead of 'planning') to embrace (instead of 'on embracing') your feelings for (instead of 'about') me? (added ?)
(Leave these lines out: 'Confess to me that you care. You wont be disappointed and you wont regret it. I know I wont. What can I do to have you, in my arms, in my life.')
When are you planning to give (instead of 'on giving') us a chance? (added ?)
I'm not a poet, so feel free to accept or reject my suggestions.
Thanks for sharing this work. I'm rating it 3.5 stars as is.
But that's just one of the reasons I read this poem four times and chose to review it.
Your descriptions are rich. My favorite is 'dark purple-pearl clumps'. Made my mouth water!
Verbs like 'biting,' 'chuckling,' and 'cleaves' stirred my own memories.
Your poem reminded me of a book I read to my kids when they were little, BLUEBERRIES FOR SAL.
At the same time that I LOVE this line, I have a complaint about the hyphen in 'dark purple-pearl clumps.' I found it jarred the flow of your words for me. But I'm not sure what the correct punctuation would be.
I can feel Cynthia's pain. Nice use of gestures to convey her building frustration.
This game sounds like something teens would enjoy, with the medieval characters and terminology. I like that one player's name is long while one is short. It can be annoying, to say nothing of confusing, when authors use similar sounding names.
I found Bec's words (Money buys everything.) intriguing, making me want to know more about this young lady. Foreshadowing maybe?
Here are some suggestions:
-Maybe break up the spoken words, interspersing them with plot-rich actions and speech tags to make them into bite-sized pieces. Easy for the lazy reader to comprehend.
-Many excellent writing books warn about using adverbs, suggesting that strong writing doesn't need them. (supposedly, slowly, precariously) You can convey what you mean with strong verbs.
-On the other hand, you use an adverb in Cynthia's speech ('especially if he’s on the other side') and that works because people often speak with adverbs.
You pack a lot of action in one sentence. (Cynthia closed her eyes and scrunched her eyebrows together before kneading her forehead with her hand.) Love the visuals, but break them up with spoken words maybe.
This short piece was entertaining, and I think it could be the beginning of a fun, longer work. You've established traits for each of your characters in this short exchange and the reader can feel the tension between them. I can see that playing out in other areas of their lives.
Thanks for sharing this. I'm rating it 2.5 stars, but with lots of potential.
I feel like I was tumbling down the cliff with you. At breakneck speed. The physical shape of the poem, the short lines, the quick thoughts. The obvious pain. All effective.
To make it better, IMHO:
Change 'They'll be nothing left' to 'There'll be nothing left'
End with the line 'But fate is in the way' Less is more.
I'm no poetry expert, but I enjoyed this. I'm giving it 4 stars. Thanks for an exhilarating experience. Keep writing.
I enjoyed your clever story. The concept of War and his buddies stopping in for a cold one at the neighborhood pub is original, at least to me. You seem to be familiar with the setting and that’s important. (How many times have we cringed as an author described the setting with either inadequate or incorrect terms?) You present a casual, easy pace that said ‘relaxed atmosphere’ to me, which was in keeping with my idea of a neighborhood bar.
One thing that might help your story pop would be to use stronger verbs. For example: instead of ‘filled my nostrils’ maybe ‘stung my nostrils’. You get the idea.
For myself, I shy away from all adverbs. So words like ‘nearly,’ and ‘slightly,’ and ‘comfortably’ could be reworked to SHOW the reader what you mean.
Spelling and grammar errors distract the reader, so I’d proofread again. While spell/grammar check might not catch all of the mistakes, it’s a good starting place, I think.
I'm rating this 2.5 stars because it needs some work, but has nice potential.
Thanks for the read. And keep writing!
Poetry isn't my strong suit, so take this review with that in mind. I enjoyed your poem on several levels. I like the word play, the rhyming, and the repetition. It feels traditional and maybe a little predictable (in a good way). The lack of punctuation freed me to stop and start where I wanted to, and it allowed me to interpret the lines myself and put my spin on them. The last line brings me full circle and I find that satisfying.
All in all, this is a gem. I can almost hear it set to music.
I'm giving it five stars because I think this poem is all it should be.
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