This poem is extremely different. Though I'll admit I'm not one for praising god in poetry(check out my poem, 'Wonder' for proof) I did enjoy this one. I have no idea how old you are now but this is a very teenage poem, which is a big part of its charm.
Stoned-out jock may be a usual American term and if that's the case then fair enough, I think it seems a bit cheesy though? Then again I'm not an American so I don't know. Also, I think it can also be a bit difficult for americans to come across as genuine when saying things like 'The masterpiece in the Louvre,' for a few different reasons but the main one being that it comes across as patronizing, for lack of a better word. I mean no offense and it's kind of difficult to explain but things like that seem like their trying too hard to praise the wonder of the Louvre and it can seem like your trying too hard. I think the poem could possibly benefit by toning down the praise and saying 'God is a painting in the Louvre.' Its more subtle that way.
I love the 'enigma just stated' parts, they were what won the poem over in my mind. Really entertaining. However I think the naming of other deities and saying 'all other religious connotation like objects' is a bit over the top. It's kind of forceful, and it's as I yor saying that your religion is the bet because it includes all others. The problem here is that other religions may disagree. Also naming both Zeus and Ra kind of shows a limited knowlede of contemporary world religions. Maybe, and this is just a suggestion. Thanks for writing, anyway! You've shown me to give religious poetry a chance!
I think this is brilliant. It's better than most poetry on here that I have read. My only problem would be that the very end is a bit out of place with the rest of the poem and almost seems as if it's solving the problem presented in the poem, which I don't think you should do.
It's not bad. I think the second last stanza and the one before it are excellent and genuinely powerful. You set out to tell a story and you do just that, which is an opinion i wish I'd had upon reading your first poem.
As a poem, it's not groundbreaking. It's not particularly original and the rhyme scheme is reminiscent of things like 'the night before Christmas' and other children's poems. But you aren't setting out to be the greatest poet of all time, as you said, you just want to tell a story, which you do. This poem would do well in a children's book, I think. I mean that as a great compliment. It relays the horror of war in the way a child could understand.
I liked it, thank you for letting me know. I would love if you got the chance, could you possibly have a look at either 'empty' or 'the sleeping lake' on my portfolio.
I liked it. Though I've never really reviewed lyrics before, but im jut going to do it the way I would a poem! You're not stretching for rhymes and you're choice of words fit well.
I have to admit I'm bot ure what things like 'metaphors of suffice' mean, which kind of confused things a bit but I enjoyed it all the same.
I like this poem. Very original, so much so that I can't really offer any advice. This poem is what it is and it's doing it perfectly.
It's no poetic masterpiece but it's original and touching. And I think I may be acquainted with your secret, I might even have written a poem about the same thing. Well done anyway.
This poem is far too much of a hallmark card for my liking. The themes are fantastic, the old man, a hero forgotten about by the generations that followed him. Had you kept with the 'his friends are still fighting' thing id say I'd be genuinely impressed. I dont mean to be rude but I don't think this poem warrants anything like the stars it has gotten. Its not at all bad but it's just a bit too 'chicken soup for the soul.' there is a lack of originality, though you did cone very close to making it fresh I think you ultimately disappointed. Though it is very nice it could have been beautiful.
I don't know if this poem has the effect you're going for. It's most definitely not too bad, but it's unclear whether you want to be an actual stand alone poem or if it's mainly there for the message. As a result of this confusion I think it lacks in both areas. However I understand that it is difficult to preach and write simultaneously and so I appreciate this poem for what it is. It's not exceptionally challenging, which is fine, but there is also a lack of depth. I suppose it's inevitable when you're spreading messages.
A tip however. And this is just a basic example to emphasize what I believe to be the mistake made here. If you are a poet you have the existence at your disposal to convey your message. So, when you want to right a poem about 'people messing up the environment' don't say 'this is a quick poem about people messing up the environment,' and then write something like, 'people are treating the environment so badly...'
For instance you could convey the same message by writing a poem called 'The Mother,'
Writing 'I lived off her ancient wisdom and knew nothing but her touch,' and Bam! The magic of metaphor. Right about a mother and how you've scorned her and it could be used for the earth, instant depth.
Hope this has been helpful, I enjoyed the poem but it was a little bit basic and unoriginal for my liking.
This poem is fantastic. This is the first really excellent poem I've read since I joined here and I'm truly impressed. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I'm not one to heap praise on something I don't like. Good job, poetically you've made my day. I don't pay much attention to star ratings on this website because just about everything I read has four stars even though I havent really read anything that deserves it, but this one does.
I can see what you're trying to do but I'm not so sure it works just yet. If I were you I'd put in a bit of padding, you can still keep it short but it'll make people care more.
I think you should know first of all that it's 'could have' rather than 'could of'
I think your theme is well thought out and executed though I think you could manage a more complicated rhyming scheme. I don't know if you're trying to hard to be sad but I do like the 'delete me from your life idea'.
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