I really enjoy this piece. The perfect rhymes in the first stanza really drew me in, but then they started to fall apart, which really ruined the rhythm of the poem. I would suggest revising this piece so the rhyming continues. Here are two lines that had messed up rhymes, and how they could be fixed. Of course these are my ideas not yours, so feel free to do whatever in you're writing. "Recorded deeply inside our souls" could be "recorded in hearts, yours and mine." "Wafts of perfume filled my senses" "wafts of perfume filled my nose"
Now that that's out of the way. I really do like this poem. It's a beautiful lyrical description of the perfect love. Well done!
I have two pieces that I would appreciate your views on. Even if you don't get through the whole thing I'd love to hear your thoughts.
An intriguing piece. The depression is well written, but this kind of sadness is always shielded and hidden away. You look at the face of your mother when she asks if you're alright and your head is screaming "Hug me no I need you" but your lips are saying "I'm fine." I think it should be added that the only safe road is to continue hiding it, because that adds to the element of suffocating and drowning and isolation.
I also want to know why the speaker is so sad. Like any sort of reference to death or break up or loss really changes the entire meaning of the entire poem.
This is beautiful. I love the rhyme, I love the concept. I picture in my head a preacher standing before his congregation, maybe hiding a dark sin himself. This is the kind of poem I want to memorize and chant to help me fall asleep. Absolutely beautiful. Great rhythm, smooth rhymes. Just perfect.
I like the concept of Procrastination, Distraction, Fear and Despair as people who talk to you, but the continuous lists were confusing. I also think this piece might have more affect if it's written as satire (humor to point out obvious flaws) instead of a moral opinion. They have the same purpose, but satire continues to have more affect by not guilt tripping anyone.
Ooh demonic and evil, but intriguing and full of spite. This is a very well worded piece that grips the reader with the first line and drags them to the end. I love the rhyme, but I don't know if it was most effective for this piece. I think rhyme always works best in things that take time, like love, patience, nature, things that are almost less present that this raw hatred in the poem. Sometimes with raw emotions like hate, anger, and pain the best affect is repetition.
I feel like you're saying what you feel instead of showing it. The line "showing that same fake smile" could also be written like "as onto my lips dances the same fake smile" The line "Begging the world to let me weep" could be "emotions explode inside me, but I can't let them see me weep".
When you write you want your reader to feel the pain and agony and emotions your trying to portray, and saying these emotions doesn't do the job. However the metaphor you used, "Searching for answers in a sea
with no end" was amazing. It implies ongoing confusion, drowning and suffocating. The fact that "with no end" is it's own line gives it extra emphasis.
I hope you don't take offense to my criticism, I don't mean to degrade you. Writing takes learning and practice and time, and every time someone tells you no, they're trying to help you become a better writer.
Writing is something that can always be improved upon, and I think you have a ton of potential so don't give up!
Love this piece. You have an amazing voice that comes out in comical, dry sarcastic humor. Reading this I feel your frustration but also your pain. I'm not sure where you're going with this, whether it's the beginning of a novel, or just a short blurb about the way you feel about your life.
If you add more to this, send me a message! I would love to come back and read it! You have a lot of potential here!
Love this piece. I really love your rhyme scheme. It flows nicely and doesn't feel forced.
I really love the element of realism in this poem, like it feels like time is just passing and continuing while your reading it, but you're stuck in one place, focused on this love you can't have.
I also love how you repeat the third stanza again at the end. I think repetition is really important to create emphasis in a piece, especially a short poem.
Overall I enjoyed reading this. It's not really something I would go back to and read again and again, but it is a nice piece of work, definitely something worth hanging on to.
I don't really have any critique because it's hard to critique something like this. I like hearing it from Jesus' point of view, and I think that's really effective. If I were to change anything, I would add how much the reader matters to Jesus.
Once again, I enjoyed this piece!
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