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269 Public Reviews Given
1,037 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
heheh...funny. A good story to illustrate the joys of being a toll booth operator, proving you can put a positive slant on anything.

You write about the oddest subjects. *Laugh* I do feel for poor Evelyn, though. I suppose her only defense, now, is to eat Tex-Mex.
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Review of Breastfeeding  
Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What an excellent and thorough article on breastfeeding! Although clearly biased in favor of breastfeeding, it doesn't seem as judgemental as many such articles I've read. And it's nice to see a pediatrician whose knowledge is so thorough (that's not been my personal experience). This is a handy reference for any new mom who is planning to nurse or currently nursing an infant.
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Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a beautifully balanced, self-aware inquiry on Poetry.com. Personally, I don't see it as a "scam" so much as a nefarious and effective marketing ploy, but then again...I could argue it either way.

Here's my take on it:

Go to the convention if you can afford it and it sounds like fun to you. Coronado Springs? Disney? Dinner and dancing? Poetry readings? Chance to win cool prizes? Why not? (I always thought "FamousPoets" and "Poetry.com" were related, but maybe I'm wrong. I think you already know what to expect.) If it's your idea of a fun vacation, a chance to network with others who share your enthusiasm for poetry, a chance to win some prizes and have some fun - go for it. I have a colleague who has attended the Poetry.com convention and would gladly go again. She, too, was looking for more, but was not unhappy with her experience, either. Odds are, you're not going to find a publisher (why would they invite competitors??) or an agent. But you'll meet other aspiring poets and probably some nice people.

You have a good head on your shoulders. It IS a "vanity press." That's exactly what it is. All the flattery and "awards" (you have to pay for your own silver bowl, y'know) are designed to get you to buy the book. They do one thing very well - they build self-esteem. (Until someone comes along and explains "vanity press" to the uninitiated, and their hopes and dreams and egos are deflated like a popped balloon.)

Never mind that the poem my daughter wrote when she was 12, typos and all, got her named (along with me) one of the "Best Poets of 2000." (I'd warned her not to let it go to her head, and told her there was no way we were buying the book, and we'd go to Disney, but not for the convention...)

Never mind that something the cat plunked out walking across the keyboard would probably get the same flattering letters and offers. Just because it's all complimentary nonsense doesn't mean you don't have talent. You seem to understand that. And that's an important thing to understand. What Poetry.com says to you does not make you a great poet, and finding out the it's all flattery does not mean you're a terrible poet.

It's the folks who really buy into it, then find out what the racket's all about and decide they've been duped, and therefore they must be horrible, talentless hacks, who are crushed. Look, Poetry.com would love to publish the likes of Rita Dove - it could only enhance their legitimacy, right? But she'd get the same treatment as Tom Smith, public accountant, whose idea of great poetry sounds something like a bad Mother Goose rhyme. Keep it all in perspective, don't judge yourself "good" or "bad" by making Poetry.com into a mirror of your talent, and you'll probably have a good time.

My friend went, hoping to sell her own chapbook of poetry. (Smart woman - forget their book. Take all the poems you've published on Poetry.com, publish your own book through Lulu.com, and claim "International Library of Poets" under your previous publishing credits. Go ahead and say you were named one of the "Best Poets of the New Millennium." Just don't pay them for the privilege!) I don't think she sold many copies, but like I said, she'd gladly do it again.

If you go, go with your eyes open and a willingness to take a chance. Just like any other vacation. After all, you could go on a cruise and get the Norwalk virus, right? Or you could go on that cruise and have a great time. That's life.
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Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: E | (5.0)
I'll be interested in seeing the results of this poll! I think I know, but that probably means I will be surprised. There's a little irony here (similar to the irony of gender and world-renowned chefs), but that's a discussion for a later time.

C'mon, everyone - take the poll! Take the poll! (I don't think the results here will mirror the results you'd get if you ran this, say, from CNN. I think the very nature of the site skews things a bit. But maybe not, now that I think about it...)
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Review of The Doctor  
Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I saw comments on this piece and had to check it out for myself! I have to agree with the previous reviewer; I have no idea where this is going. No, I have a vague idea, but in the name of ultimate clarity, I think you need to develop it a bit more. More foreshadowing, more of a challenge for Fawn...and surely, if Celia knew "the law" she'd have been a bit more discreet? Wouldn't all of them? How about a little backstory? Why was this law passed? What's Fawn's method? Is there any escape?

In some weird way, this is reminding me of a watered-down, economics (or class)-based Fahrenheit 451. Almost.
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Review of How did you know?  
Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: E | (4.0)
You're a nut. *Bigsmile* A fun nut, though. There are boring polls, serious polls, silly polls, overly-personal "who-the-heck needs to know this?" polls, intriguingly thought-provoking polls, and then there are...polls about SpongeBob.

I have a child. That's my excuse, and I'm stickin' to it!
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Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good question! (Is that third option - "No, I'd rather..." phrased correctly? Am I just reading it wrong?) I took this poll ages ago, and have forgotten what I answered. But obviously, I didn't rate it or comment on it at the time, so I hope I said "Most of the time..." LOL!! Well, I'm trying to make amends now.

It's interesting to see the results on this and it's "partner poll."

Remember, folks - 'tis better to give than to receive! (No, wait a sec... it's pretty darned nice to receive, too!) *Bigsmile*
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Review of Feedback  
Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a good poll. Interesting to see the results and compare them to its "partner poll." It does seem that most of the reviewing is done by smaller subset of the membership. Some people really enjoy reviewing, even more than writing their own items. Some like to get, but haven't yet figured out the joy of giving. And some of us try to strike a healthy balance, but don't always succeed.

Reviewing shouldn't seem like a chore; I wouldn't want anyone to review my work, if that's how they approached it. At the same time, I'd encourage everyone to try to give a review for every one they get. Not necessarily a reciprocal review - just review something that interests you, anywhere on the site.
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Review of Why oh why?  
Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to Writing.com, and good for you, posting your work on your very first day here!

I'd suggest making this poem a little longer. You've got a good start here, but a child asking "why" is not a wildly original subject. Originality is in what you do with the concept. "Why is it possible to eat a tie?" Not exactly the most common question, even from a child in the "why, why, why, why, WHY??!!" stages. The idea of clouds being bored? What would they do to entertain themselves? Make dinosaur shapes in the sky? Why? I dunno... Explore the silly possibilities more thoroughly, and you may have a winner here!

Jessie
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Review of Help Us Help YOU!  
Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Great ideas for promoting our favorite site! I do my bit, every year, to promote Writing.com via the NaNoWriMo boards, my Web site, various favorite mailing lists - it's a testament to the site that not only do people come and check it out, but most of them stay. I'm not the world's best salesperson, so when I do promote something, it's always something I use, like, and believe in. I have no qualms about talking up Writing.com!
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Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is one of the most professional, attractive, and useful sources of cNotes I've found on the site. I feel safe sending these; I know, when you say "original" photography or artwork, you know what that means. Frankly, I'm in awe of your artistic talent (and slightly jealous of it, when I'm playing around with my digital camera or Paint Shop Pro, wishing I had just a tad bit more of it than I do).
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Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: E | (5.0)
I've been writing professionally for over 20 years, and this is one of the most straightforward articles I've seen on writing query letters. If you're new to selling your writing, or have limited experience writing query letters, you really need this information. "How to Write a Query Letter"  is full of clear, practical, easy-to-understand advice on how to put together a winning query letter (or cover letter, for that matter). This is a MUST READ if you are hoping to get published.
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Review of ABC exercise  
Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Amazingly smooth flow for a story written with such artificial constraints! Now and then, I had to look back and check - yep, A, B, C, ...X, Y, Z. Remarkable. I wondered if you could pull it off while sucking me into a story good enough to make me forget this A, B, C contrivance, and you did. I'm giving this a 5.0 mainly for being able to pull this off. Your glimpse inside the world of an autistic child is convincing (I have no way to know, for sure, if it's accurate), and you've created believable, sympathetic characters and a story.
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Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is adorable! I saw it featured in the Writers' Circle Newsletter (to sign up, go to "WC Newsletter Feedback and Submissions"  [E]). I can just see those puppies being...well, puppies! Too cute. Catchy little poem, just right for the holiday season, too! Thanks for helping to get me in a festive mood.
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Review of Why Bother???  
Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: E | (4.5)
Oh, amen to this!

Minor nit: I'd change "disturbing, self-deprecating" to "disturbing: self-deprecating"

Just as one probably wouldn’t write...

hahahaha...but I've seen those, too! Doesn't that just challenge you to review with a hypercritical eye?

Everyone should read this before posting their writing online.
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Review of Help Wanted  
Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I so wish I'd read this in preparation for my last interview. If nothing else, it would've made me laugh and reminded me to lighten up!

You didn't mention the question, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" Retired, living off a fat bank account in the Cayman Islands, funded with money I skimmed out of your accounts is not the right answer (though it shows a certain twisted honesty and real initiative). The cliché answer, of course, is "I want your job. And there will be an opening, because I'll have made you look so good during the next five years they'll have to promote you to Vice President." The truth? "I wouldn't take your job on a bet. You have to manage people like me." The trick is to find a happy middle ground.
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Review of Grab The Harpoon!  
Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Sandwiches can't read!

Whales can't talk! (And you'd think, if any character were feeling "saucy," it'd be the sandwich.)

And what's this about Euros and a bookshop? Why, the sardine sandwich would be dead as a mackerel by the time he cracked the spine on the romance novel! (Wait a sec, he's a sandwich. He's already... ::gulp:: dead.) And don't fish pay for everything in clams?

Otherwise, this is brilliant. Brilliant, I tell you.
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Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is an intriguing question, really, but the answers beg a different question.

As written, how could one NOT believe? I mean, face-to-face communication with the almighty - how could you then deny its existence? The real question is, how zealously would you follow the rules of the religion if you knew that the ultimate reward was unattainable by you? Would you still try? Would you give it a half-hearted effort (grudgingly)? Would you rebel and forsake the god that had forsaken you? Do you follow the rules of your religion ONLY because you believe you will be richly rewarded in the end? Or because you believe that's the right thing to do, regardless of any personal reward? If the question or the answers were phrased differently, I might have answered differently.
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Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Ahem.

When I first saw this on the front page, I groaned. Not another shrinky dink story... Well, you know what I thought, didn't you? Then I read the teaser. Hmm. Okay, maybe there's hope (or maybe you're dead serious and inadvertently funny, in which case - well, never mind). This is funny stuff. I particularly enjoyed the chapter "Santa Shrunk My Nuts." Now I have to go explain to my husband why I'm giggling, and in this case, that's going to be difficult...
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Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: E | (4.5)
Alternative meaning to #3: Mary Waycool really has a vendetta against someone at Rather Talented Literary Agency.

Nice to have some insight into those rejection letters from someone who's worked in publishing. I agree - it's almost more frustrating to get #2 or #3. On the other hand, I'd rather get "This is really awful. What were you thinking when you sent this to us?" if that's the real reason behind the rejection, y'know? Given the typical reaction to any rating here below a 3.0, I guess I can understand why editors won't risk that kind of honesty. *Laugh*
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Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: E | (4.0)
In some ways, this is a delightful childen's story.

It has a few weak spots, but I suspect that with a bit of work, you'll have a hit here!

Spoiler Alert! Readers, go to the original - read it - and come back to the review.

A few suggestions:

Lee replied to Sharon. Lee rose from his bed and headed over to Anthony's bedroom. He peeked his head through Anthony's door to wake him.

"replied" means spoke in answer to something someone else said, so "to Sharon" isn't necessary. I'm not sure, though, that the first paragraph is the best way to introduce the characters. Kids won't need the blow-by-blow action sequence of saying good morning and getting out of bed. It won't capture or hold their interest. Now, maybe if Lee stretched, yawned, and sneezed... you know what I mean? Wondered why Anthony hadn't bounded out of bed already, demanding to watch cartoons? More kid-appeal action, more Anthony-centric.

Anthony referring to his hands as "my friends" seems a little stilted. Wouldn't he call them by name? Be on more intimate terms with them? Okay, maybe "buddy" or "guys" - but "my friends" sounds almost too formal.

His right hand always seemed to have an attitude.


LOL!! Good Anthony, bad Anthony... this is cute. I'd play it up a bit more. (The "morning breath" thing works, too.)

His quick action caused her to reverse, and head back to her own bedroom, and dress.


Imagine you're...5, 6, 7 years old, reading this. This interest you? Lose a kid's attention for one nanosecond, and he's not coming back. I'd trim out most of the "stage direction." You have to get mom out of the room, but either make it shorter or more interesting.

"Antman," a name given to Anthony by his father,"

First, if you're going to explain the origin of the nickname, consider doing it the first time you use it! Second, you need a space between the comma and the quotation mark after "father."

With excitement in his voice, Anthony yelled. "Yay".


Wow. I'm not convinced that Anthony's excited. Is this a sarcastic "Yay"? Period goes inside the quotation marks, but I'd suggest an exclamation point, instead.

Righty faced Lee, and then slowly turned towards Anthony, as if the little hand had real eyes to roll.


Now this I could visualize, and it's funny.

The breakfast dialogue between Anthony, the hands, and Lee is cute - and also simple, direct, and easy for young readers.

Now, the rest is a nice little domestic scene - with a sweet ending that shows how close Lee and his son are. But where are the hands? What was their reaction to getting cut on the glass? Isn't that - wasn't it - the focus of the story?? Talking to the hands? You don't even explain why they're not part of the story anymore (maybe Anthony doesn't need to talk to them, when he's got his dad right there, taking him out for ice cream - but it seems abrupt, somehow, to just ignore these "characters" you've created, when they are pretty much the title characters!)

Try to imagine yourself as one of your readers, as you read back through this with a kid's eyes. Or test it on a kid (preferably not just one who adores you and will tell you "it's all good" whether it is or not).

If you edit it, I'd like to see what you do with it!
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Review of Plains Twilight  
Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I'm not sure how you manage to keep this from being cliché, with lines like "violet cloak of night" and "blush of dawn." I think you've mastered a certain natural simplicity - the art of not saying more than you need to say - and you throw in the occasional unexpected brushstroke, like "Winds that were rushing through the plains...now settle in to sleep." Whatever it is, I don't hate it.

I do think you could experiment with the unexpected brushstrokes more often; you skate dangerously close to trite and true, without quite falling in. I suspect you might find harsher critics; I rather appreciate a little familiarity, an absence of the obscure and abstract, and a lack of pretension. I like poetry that paints a picture, communicates a feeling, or conveys an idea in clear and concrete terms. Just think twice before writing things like "violet cloak of night" and "blush of dawn." *Laugh*
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Review of Barely Breathing  
Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Simple, and yet it so perfectly summarizes what it's like to be bipolar. Nothing more is necessary. I particularly like these lines:

Racing thoughts
play bumper cars
in my head.

What an excellent description!

Amazingly, this poem is neither full of "happy fluffy bunnies," delusions of grandeur, or "deep, dark, tortured angst." And yet, it effectively carries the reader through those extremes with an economy of words.
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Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Awww. What a lovely portrait of an old willow tree against the ice! (I know that ice; I used to live in Oklahoma!)

Suggestions:

Add a blank line between paragraphs (preferred, by me, at least) or indent each new paragraph (more traditional formatting, more appropriate for print and writing assignments, but not as readable onscreen).

This costs you points (be particularly alert to it in your college writing assignments) - ...I've watched her graceful branches... right after writing about your aunt. "Pronoun confusion." Your aunt's graceful branches...huh? I know, and most readers will make the leap, that you refer to the willow as "her." But it's gonna cost you. I don't think you lose anything here by using "it" instead, to refer to the tree.

You pack a lot of emotion into this short piece, and I can see the willow tree struggling gamely against the storm. And your metaphor of the tree teaching you to cope with the storms of life works fine. I also sense that there is more here - your relationship with your aunt is probably a treasure trove of stories only hinted at in this piece.
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Review by Holly Jahangiri
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
An eye for an eye, eh? Soon the world will be blind and toothless.

When personifying death, it is customary to capitalize it: "Death."

So, Death is a woman?

I'd suggest changing
"But when she..." to "as when she..."
"martyr sheikh" to "martyred sheikh"
"That sun..." to "That the sun..."

"There is a cinder smoldering inside our chests" doesn't work; either "There is a cinder smoldering inside my chest," or "There are cinders smoldering inside our chests."

Punctuation would improve the flow and readability.

The last line seems out of place; is it a call to action - to commit suicide or murder?? Bad idea. It is primarily for this, as well as the errors I pointed out above, that I rate this so low.
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