issued just two weeks prior (suggestion: earlier)

long-johns doesn’t need the hyphen

fore-warning doesn’t need the hyphen

Black Bear then spoke in Comanche (don’t you mean Night Bear?)

His hands shaking, the young soldier relied on his countless drilling. On his what??

         Ah, I can relate to this! Coffee, cigarettes, and being a b—er, well, you know—are my only vices.

         Only one stumbling block here that I can see: You say “Only my eldest son drinks coffee” and go on to imply that your Sweetie (Johnnie?) doesn’t. But we find out later that he does; he even makes a pot. I could quibble that your daughters also drink it on occasion. So I’m confused. Seems that “Only my eldest son drinks coffee” detracts from the story and muddles meaning, rather than moving the story forward. Also, it seems that your conclusion only gives half-hearted support (if that) to your title. I say “let him make the coffee every Sunday morning!”

         Now, can I have a cup of that stuff? Pretty please??

         Though arguably based on mythology more than on historical fact (see http://www.exnet.com/1995/11/01/science/science.ht...), this is an entertaining view of life as an apprentice and up-and-coming entrepreneurial plumber in 1910 England. You do a good job of staying believably “in character.”

         You work in a good deal of history for a little letter from a toilet salesman to his wife, and you do it with subtlety. Economy of the time/region, apprenticeship/professional aspirations, rivalry/working relationships, regional prejudice, how the flush toilet changed lifestyles... and you develop your character with each word he writes. I feel I know the man a little.

         The use of quaint expressions or “dated” language – even a touch of an accent - is employed just enough to give us a feel for the period, without being overdone and drawing attention to itself.

         Humor is a nice touch, and not overused – it adds to, rather than distracts from, the period feel and history (or supposed history) of the piece.

         Nicely done!

         Oh, this is adorable! I’d say you’re channeling the spirit of Theodore Geisel, but no – while comparisons to Seuss are inevitable, that would not be doing you justice, either. There’s something here – dare I say “warmth”? that is not always apparent in Seuss.

         There are a few lines that are a bit off, rhythmically, but they do not detract from this in any significant way. There’s a tense shift that’s necessary but a bit jarring – “Then she snuck up on me” really should be “sneaks up on me” (or maybe change “Then” to “Once,” something about this just doesn’t flow, but there is a shift in time, so the shift in tense is appropriate.)

         I’m so glad you let Dot stay. She’s obviously a terrific inspiration.

         Don't be shy... be
shameless! That's the motto of this In &
Out - the perfect place to advertise
your newest works. Looking for something to
review? Here's a page with the latest works
in search of readers and reviewers. For
added convenience, this item is easily
accessible from the Site Navigation Item
Jumps drop-down list - just click 3.
The Plug Page.

          Read and review
the last item on the page before posting
yours! That way, it won't scroll off
unseen.

         This story caused me to reminisce about the strange antics of my own kindergarten teacher and our impromptu, unapproved outing to a local doughnut shop. It also brought to mind the movie, “The Faculty.” Both are entertaining and suspenseful, yet equally predictable.

         Nits to pick:

         You seem to have picked up the universally bad habit of online writers everywhere – the overuse of ellipses. Scour the story for unnecessary ellipses and scrub it clean!

 Children are supposed to be ...

 My gGod man, (Capitalize “God” throughout; unless you are talking about pantheistic “gods” or “a god”)

 ...these so-called field trips have no chaperones?.

 Look at them... they’ire faces are blank.

         All in all, a creepy and chilling tale! I enjoyed it.

First came "Invalid Item"  , then "Invalid Item"  . And now, the debate rages on in "The Best Part of Waking Up"  [E]. Sadly, some people take their views all too seriously.

First of all, the repetitive use of the word “you” in this poem rubs me the wrong way. It feels like an attack. Look, I love my coffee – it’s not like I’m killing furry little animals to get this admittedly unnecessary luxury.

Second, while I won’t quibble with the notion of coffee as a “daily ritual,” (even if it is more like “hourly,” in the lives of the truly devout) mine doesn’t contain porcelain. But that’s what this line implies:

How about:

A fresh, dark-roasted, filtered-bean curse? Oh, wait – that kind of sounds...delicious! Hang on a second while I brew a cup – I’ll be right back.

Ahhh.

Now, where were we?

Third. The second stanza’s rather clever, and I’d have no problem with it really, except for the glaring omission of the article “the” in “gulped to last drop.” You only left it out because you couldn’t afford another syllable in the line. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Here, have a cup of Joe – maybe it’ll jump start those brain cells and you’ll think of another way around that niggling problem. I’m surprised you didn’t take advantage of the whole traffic scenario to dump hot java in the reader’s lap!

Fourth – my “potato brain”? Now what am I supposed to say to that? That my potato brain goes nicely with your pea brain?? Do you really need to insult the reader? Harrumph. Furthermore, your rhythm’s off now. At times, it’s almost limerick-like. But no more – not after this point. Might as well go back up and stick “the” in there before “last drop.”

Fifth... oh, you’ve lost me here. If I’m overlooking intended humor, it’s because insulting my life as “meaningless” (and I make more than a buck or two, thanks) has got me so depressed I can either cry, pick apart your poem, or – go have another cup of coffee! Yeah, that’s the ticket. And thank goodness my meaningless drivel of a humdrum daily routine lets me afford Starbucks, you Lipton-guzzling fr—er, nice poet, you.

And as I said to jaydee_007, if it stinks or has the consistency of “goo,” you’re just plain brewing it wrong. But to each his own.

All kidding aside, I’d suggest that you double-check and scrupulously adhere to the meter you’ve almost established towards the beginning; it works, but only so long as you don’t vary from it. Your rhyme scheme – well, there isn’t one. But it’s still rhyming verse. That’s kind of...different. I’d suggest more regularity (you know, coffee helps with that, too, I’ve heard).

Be a little more descriptive (brown goop and friendly, warm goo really aren’t accurate when it comes to coffee).

Go light on what can very quickly be taken as a personal insult to the reader – it’s okay to attack coffee-drinking (if you must) but can you do it without deliberately insulting/lecturing/haranguing your coffee-drinking audience? (I guess the use of the word “you” implies to me that you intended this to be either (a) a personal attack or (b) a persuasive argument. Right now, it’s only successful as (a), but then why bother with it if you don’t seek change?) If it was meant to be funny, it misses – but it has some potential. I’d like to see a rewrite – especially if it explored the answer to the question, “What’s it to YOU?”

Well...this is an entertaining piece! And for once, I can’t even say whether I agree or disagree with it – like you, I usually prefer dim lighting, or “atmosphere.” On the other hand, I need light. Light literally helps fend off depression for some, so if you notice that you or your hubby are a little cranky, crank up the lighting and close your eyes if you have to. I suspect that you, like I, were raised in the company of various adults who insisted on flipping on the odious light whenever they caught you curled up comfortably on the couch or window seat with your nose stuck in a book. It’s probably 70% rebellion. (Do you watch TV with your nose pressed to the screen, too?)

“swarthy forts”? Naaaah, don’t think so. “Swarthy” refers to a dark complexion (e.g., deeply tanned). Misled by Roget, eh?

“a bit of gentle light diffuses in” This is interesting; technically, the light is diffused by the green sheers, it doesn’t “diffuse in.” A fine distinction there. “Diffuse” can be an adjective, as well – try “diffuse light” or “sheers diffuse the sunlight...”

“befriended by my husband” Weird mental image there; I’d suggest sticking to the more obvious words, “preferred by my husband”

I can’t very well mush the overhead light into a wad of toilet paper and flush it to oblivion. Hahahah...why don’t you tell us how you really feel about that light?

* * *

"Invalid Item" 

This is...creepy.

Good, though – quite unique. I had no idea where you were going with this, but you did foreshadow the conclusion nicely. Even now, I can speculate several different explanations for the end, and I’m not sure which you had in mind, but that’s okay. I’m kind of enjoying the ambiguous possibilities. As with most of your writing, there are few, if any, nits to pick. One little typo – “Gime” should be “Grime.”

Too bad they don’t let us review Bio Blocks – yours is a good example of how to use it. I can’t tell you how many items I’ve read by nameless, faceless, ageless beings of indeterminate gender – and how hard it is to gauge what to say in a review, when you have no idea who you’re talking to! (Oh, goshdarnit – I know, I ended that sentence with a preposition. Will you let it slide, just this once, if I promise to avoid the vague use of “it”?)

Try the {item:553666}, designed by {user:jessiebelle} and {user:hammy_au}! (Update for NEW WritingML tags coming soon!)

I immediately felt welcome when I saw the description on the folder "Blowing Smoke " : Don't worry, come on in: I usually don't take myself too seriously. No typos, no weird cuteness – just an inviting, unpretentious promise. I’m just sorry I didn’t find more reviews and opinions in the folder, because what I did read here was delightful. winklett in the woods pokes good-natured, satirical fun at an American icon – The Brady Bunch. Whether you grew up watching this show, or just recently discovered it in cable reruns, you’re sure to laugh along.

Mrs. Brady, faithful housewife and mother, runs to greet him each day, hair coiffed perfectly and makeup tastefully applied. All is in its proper place in the universe. Honey, I’m a faithful working wife and frazzled mother; if I could quit work and have Alice to help with running the household, you can bet I’d happily run to greet my hubby at the door, hair coiffed perfectly, makeup tastefully applied, and clad in something utterly unsuitable for daytime television!

...had a hand in its design...strange, though... I think this would be better if, instead of the ellipses, you simply rewrote it as two sentences. ...had a hand in its design. It is strange, though...

...content with private den and phone, catered to by both housekeeper and wife, and in complete control... Change the highlighted commas to semicolons (you’re separating dependent clauses in a list, not separating independent clauses that are related – that last bit after the semicolon you have now can’t stand on its own).

Well, that wasn’t so painful! Hardly worth mentioning.

I really enjoyed this – it gave me a good chuckle and brought back some fond memories.

{citem:617544}

What a tragic way to look at thunderstorms! If I felt this way about them, I’d have no hope – they’re such a common occurrence here! Instead, I choose to see them as God’s sound and light show, and boy, have I seen some doozies!

This whole poem seems to be a metaphor, though, for war and peace – for strife and contentment. On its surface, it’s about the weather – and how appropriate, when so much “small talk” centers on the weather? Underlying the obvious, this poem makes more universal statements about the ups and downs, the triumphs and defeats, the joys and sorrows of life in general. It has layers of meaning, and none of them are annoyingly obscure and abstract (up to a point, a little abstract is a good thing – but not when it obfuscates all meaning). It’s very nice; I like this.

This review was written by Holly Jahangiri on behalf of the "Invalid Item"  run by ricciardo & Tigger thinks of Prancer . Please post any comments you may have after receiving this review there.

I like your “family portraits in words” very much! I feel as though I’m getting to know the people most dear to you through your poetry.

Now you know what I’m going to say, don’t you? The word-inversion (i.e., “...one who does you love...”) on the last two lines seems to be reaching – forcing the ending, rather than finessing it. Why not try something like, “...to one who loves you, and will understand”?

Other than that, I like it a lot.

This review was written by Holly Jahangiri on behalf of the "Invalid Item"  run by ricciardo & Tigger thinks of Prancer . Please post any comments you may have after receiving this review there.