Excellent start to the story--right to the action!
While alright is accepted, I do believe that the two word 'all right' is preferred.
'...Alerted to the imminent danger by Brandon's call, one of the boys jumped ship...' You seem to be doing a pretty good job of maintaining one POV--but this is on the edge. There are those who would say that Brandon can only 'assume' that the boy has been alerted by his calls. Do you see the difference? It's very subtle, but it's something to be aware of.
'..."Daddy 'sniff' I want to 'sniff' go h-h-home." said a little voice...' Perhaps "Daddy...," she sniffed before continuing, "I want....to go home..."she said in a little voice. would be a better formatting.
'...For an instant, when she was under the water with her eyes open, it was like..." he paused. "You know what? It's kind of stupid when I think of saying it out loud. Just don't worry about it." ...' "For an instant, when she was under the water with her eyes open. It was like..., he paused. "You know what? It's kind of stupid when I think of saying it out loud. Just don't worry about it."
'...The milk man will be here any minute,"...' I had a milkman for close to twenty-five years, and yes--I appreciate the desire to get out before you get blocked in by his van...BUT even in the dead of winter he came about 4:30...and I know that day care opens early--but not that early...you have lots of good details sprinkled through--but this one bothered me. But--it could just be me.
'...got the Banana ready ...' Is 'Banana' the name of the doll?
'...some double 'A' batteries...' How about 'AA' batteries?
'... Brandon dropped Kailey ..............Cadillac SUV in the space beside Brandon....' Little bit of an informations dump here. And, really, is there anything crucial to the plot that it's a pulic school-six blocks from home--or that his boos drives a Cadillac SUV?
More info dumping--again nothing that affects the storyline. This is 10,542 words long--you need to take your blue editor's pencil and do some judicious pruning.
'..."Great. No complaints." Brandon responded...' "Great. No complaints," Brandon responded. The way I remember where to use a comma instead of a period is -use a comma if the dialog tag mentions noise--'he talked'; 'she snorted with laughter' etc,
The conversation starting '... "You banged it coming through the door? You know that you're supposed to open the door first, right?...' and ended with ..."Where was what?"-You have ten lines between these two. That means that you had a twelve line conversation with no dialog tags. Now granted, there are only two people and I have been known to say that anyone who is unable to follow the conversation between only two people, probably shouldn't be left alone with a hard cover book--they could hurt themself. But it is suggested that you add dialog tags about every four or five lines--just to keep things straight.
'..."No daddy, it didn't get hurted at all, see?" She pulled her hand free of Brandon's light grip and held it up in front of his eyes, as if to give him a high-five.
Cleveland was in the midst of a heat wave that had lasted five days with no relief in the forecast....' This is the end of one section and the beginning of another, with about six months of time in between. You need to make more then a double-space to make sure the reader understands. (Especially here on WDC-where the space formatting seems to be random at best.) * * * * * or + + + + + or ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ BUT not the entire line...it does something that really messes up the formatting here.
Section about the playhouse from COSTCO is more information dumping...
You have a nice story (although to be honest--I think Kailey should be on a leash--and I hate those things and seeing kids on them...But she does seem to be a slippery little devil.) You create some good visual images and keep in POV---which can be a huge problem. But it's long...very long. And you have 111 'ly' adverbs in 10,541 words. When you go back through this, try and eliminate some of them. Pull your thesarus from the book shelf and try and find just the right verb--one that describes a specific action. I think you'll find that you'll be able to get rid of some of those supporting adverbs when you chose stronger verbs.
I'm going to have to look at more of your writing. Thanks for the good read.
'...Ahura...' Isn't it 'Uhura' - Zulu word for freedom>
'...pursueing...' pursuing
'...reck-room...' since 'rec' room is a shorter name for 'recreation room' I'm thinking rec room is probably how that would be written (although wreck room would probably be even better)
'... clothing is optional. What-can-this-mean?"...' I think this settles the question of who is the better captain--Kirk or Piccard---or at least who's the smarter one.
'...opperation...' operation
Okay, this was cute--but five misspellings in @ 150 words??? Was this done for a contest, a bet or just a whim?
I take that this is the beginning chapter in an adventure novel. The first thing that I noticed was the 'British slang'. It was forced and repetitive. Don't try so hard. Relax and just write some good dialog--you can always go back in revistions and add the ocassional 'luv', 'old man' or 'chap'. Remember the old adage--Less is more.
The next thing I'd like you to do is watch reusing words in the same line or para. (Look up at my paragraph--I changed 'first' to beginning) Because I had used 'first in the second line.
Spelling is important (although, I probably misspelled beginning--it's one of my problem words.) Get a good dictionary and a thesarus, and keep them handy. I have an old laptop beside me and the only thing it's used for is MS Bookshelf...by using your thesarus you will not only eliminante repeating words--you'll be able to search for just the right verb to use. By trying to use strong verbs that describe a specific action, you eliminate the need for adverbs. (Oops! Did you catch it? I repeated 'eliminate'.)
Case in point: die-----to cease to live dye----to color something dying----ceasing to live dyeing----coloring something
The first referencre to the Andrews Sisters was great--the second, not so great. Maybe you could find another couple of bands and rotate them.
'...gave the Gassers and the Slashers a..." I get the slang--but I don't think you need the caps---and while we're on the subject I'd 86 the 'D' in Destroyer. You migt if you were writing about the 'Air Craft Carrier Kitty Hawk' or ' Battleship Potemkin' but I think it's like father and mother...I went to the store for my mother. When I came back I called out, "Mother..."
And I know you're trying to 'hook' us in...but don't give away the payoff. Grab us without telling us it's going to be a story about saving the Panama Canal. Prologues aren't usually smiled upon--but this might warrant one. Just a hint of some covert activity...and then he wakes up in the hospital.
The problem with all thses ideas I'm writing you is I don't know your story--only you do. There is one more thing I'm going to mention and then shut up--well, maybe two things. First--watch your POV (point of view). Even though you are telling the story--you are telling it in Third person. That means you are inside YOUR head--and no one elses. If for some reason you want us to see things from the nurses POV -- clearly mark the scene shift with something like * * * or + + + . (But don't use an entire line--especially here on WDC--it can really do bad things. And then establish the new POV right off the bat. And lastly--do not 'insert' yourself into your story. Now because you are your main character, this might be a little trickier--but you must separate 'you' the writer from 'you' the character.
'...The masquerading Navy Chaplain was well acquainted with Lt. James J.E.B. Benoit’s background. The Commander had received a rather thick file on Lieutenant Benoit, which he studied thoroughly. The dossier verified the wounded man possessed a Masters degree in Business Management from Harvard. The bandaged patient lying in a British military hospital had until recently been working on a college project in the West Indies and Central America. What few people knew is during the same time, he was also organizing, infiltrating or disrupting Nazi, Vichy or French Resistance activities in America’s Southern Hemisphere.
Along with the pertinent information regarding James Benoit’s background, he had memorized the appropriate sign and counter sign that would identify him as someone cleared to discuss this operation. “Cleopatra says there will be snow…” The priest whispered in JEB’s ear. If the man lying in the hospital bed before him was who he claimed to be, he would ask the priest from where the snow was coming from...' This is an information dump--plain and simple. One way around this might be to change POV to the fake chaplain--then you can sneak in a little info through thought (BUT NOT TOO MUCH)
I hope that you rework this and post a new version and let me know when you do.
I know I said I was going to shut up--but do you have a mentor? This place can be really overwelming--don't be afraid to ask for help.
I liked this. I like the rhythym of it. But they'll be those who complain it's 'told' rather than 'shown'--but it works with this. I do understand the difference--but sometimes you are going for a certain 'voice', and it means you need to just tell your tale.
I do have a few comments:
Was the picture the prompt? And was there a maximum word count?
'...in the community church...' there's just something 'not right' about this--I'm sure there are many churches in the community.
'...She had just turned seven, a time when moving was exciting. This was her first great adventure; she was going to make the best of it. A new town, a new school, a new house, and best of all, a new start. She was still innocent, a blank slate, as it were, untouched by the trials of life. She just shook her head. She didn't want to think about that...' I totally get the first half of this excerp. But if she was innocent --why does she need a fresh start? if they'd moved AFTER her father began molesting her, she might be looking for a 'clean slate'.
I want to know what's happened in the years since she ran away. If there was a word count restriciton, I can see how this might have had to be left out--but now that the contest is over, add it. She's been living on her own in another part of the country--hasn't she managed to find some peace somehow? Why is she so willing to slip into oblivion? I like that she's 'going to Ricky'...I just want to know why.
'...As the sun rose higher in the sky, the mighty Mississippi turned into a slate gray path...' Surely this is an error? She's gone back to Minnesotta to meet with the lawyers--not in St. Louis. Isn't she?
I was suppose to be reviewing someone else...but nothig in their port 'grabbed' me...so I went through some of their favorites--and found this little gem. Of course it could use a bit of polishing--what can't?--but all in all it was very good. And it's about Edgar Allen Poe AND Sir Paul....the perfect way to start my day! Thank you, JoAnne
'..."At our age, my friend, we can't be too careful," Cassie said as she patted Lillian's arm...' This is the end of the first section. The next needs to be separated by something (*** or ~~~) you get the idea.
'...grafts as beads...' This may be a technical term--but I think you might mean 'grafts of beads'
'...repair the fish parks and work...' Again, technical, perhaps...but confusing. Since this is in dialogue and Antoine is playing tour director, it wouldn't be out line for him to explain this--she could easily give a puzzled look or ask a question.
'... "I'm with the LAPD." Then she offered her ID........................................................ Cassie took her time talking to workers and mingling among them...' This is bit is vague and glossed over pretty quickly. I think that expanding it could only improve the over all story.
'...French Canadian, French was Cassie's first language...' This is too convenient. Why not have her speak French to someone in the village as she's poking around. That way, we know--but Tane doesn't.
'...the testimony of these two men collaborated with one another...' While these men are 'collaborating', I believe what you meant to say here was that they were corroborating each others alibi.
I enjoyed this...and except for my little notations, which are easily fixed, it's a nice little story. In fact, I think it's too good for a such a short story. This could be expanded into a very nice little mystery.
Thanks for the read and please, if you do decide to redo or expand this, let me know when you do. JoAnne
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I don't really know very much about poetry, which is why I usually stay away from it. But, this piece piece was chosen as one of the review options for Round 5 of the Authors' Spotlight, so here goes...I liked this. I lived this! I don't understand the spacing, but I your words really spoke to me. Thank you
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