This review is given in goodwill. Take what you want from it, but just keep writing.
Title: The Test
Chapter: n/a
Author: Callie Leonore
Plot: Miranda’s life seems to be crumbling…somehow finishing school with honors, good job offers and the world is her oyster has morphed to no future, no job and no money. After another unsuccessful job interview, she treats herself to a soda and is approached by an intriguing man. He offers her one million dollars to have sex with him. He offers to give her time to consider, and kind of stalks her. Even though no jobs materialize, her electricity is shut off and things just keep on sliding downhill, she refuses Gaderel latest offer of two million dollars. She does manual labor, she sees things she shouldn’t see—that no one should see, let alone experience—and still she does not give in to his four million dollar offer. Her life goes on, and while it doesn’t become ordinary or easy, she’s kept her integrity.
Style & Voice: First person/Miranda’s POV
Referencing:present day
Scene/Setting:a bus; a food court; in general every day places
Characters:Miranda & Gaderel
Grammar: I understand that often (okay, read always) the WDC site messes up the formatting when you copy and paste into a static item—so I can understand the erratic indents, but the spelling errors are inexcusable. Especially in this day of spell check. You never know who (because there are agents, editors and publishers here) might stop by. So you want to always present your best foot forward. That means formatting, spelling and punctuation.
Grammar, punctuation and spelling errors will be below in the ‘line edits’ but in general you need to break up your paragraphs more, watch where you put reactions to dialogue, and pick a tense and stick with it.
I’m not sure why, but agents, editors and publishers all seem to want ‘curly’ quotation marks. You might as well get in the habit.
Line Edit:
‘…I felt a drop of sweat glide down my thigh and mee the silken material of my slip…’ I think you meant ‘met the silken material of my slip…’
I’ve got a problem with this—she’s standing, sweat is running down her leg. A nylon (and let’s face it, she isn’t wearing silk) isn’t going to absorb sweat—but a cotton skirt will.
Cotton – with two ‘o’s
New para ‘…There are a few people..’
‘…cell phone…’ Two words
‘…wallet are at the bottom..’ ‘are’= present tense but in the next sentence ‘…things were worth…’ ‘were’= past tense
‘…my bill was overdue…’ ‘was’ = past tense; next sentence ‘…wallet is as..’ ‘is’ = present tense
New para ‘…The little hairs…’
‘…, but didn't see anyone but a bleached blonde with…’ two ‘but’s not only in the same sentence, but only three words in between. How about using ‘except’
‘…Unfortunately, I was now…’ slipped into passive voice
‘…Wordlessly we had communicated…’ Comma after ‘Wordlessly’
‘…I had circled the add with…’ ‘had’ = passive ‘add’ = math ‘ad’ = advertisement
‘…Probably, everyone on this bus…’ sentence fragment
‘…Just two months ago I was…’ Comma between ‘ago’ & ‘I’
‘…I exhaled…’ I’d start a new para
‘…Positive vibes…’ sentence fragment
‘…career person I will…’ comma between ‘person’ & ‘I’
‘…study renaissiance literature…’ renaissance
‘…up to the mall and I nodded again…’ compound sentence (you use a lot of compound sentences—you might want to try and do that less) so this needs a comma between ‘mall’ & ‘and’
‘.... I am ready. I brought copies of my resume…’ ‘I am ready.’ = present tense ‘I brought copies of my resume.’ I think this is past tense
‘…The little hairs on…’ new para
‘…is definately around…’ definitely
‘…noone is there. Don't sabatoge your interview…’ no one = two words sabotage
‘…Sodom and Gamorah…’ Gomorrah
‘…I grabbed a soda and took out the… … past tense then ‘…Pretty much all my bills are overdue and my electricity had already been shut off once…’ ‘are overdue’ = present; ‘had…been shut’ = past tense
‘…the deepest darkest eyes…’ co-ordinating adjectives need a comma
‘…His eyes were the deepest darkest eyes I have ever seen, and in them were the secrets of men and women…’ This is a bit awkward—and you kind of want this back half of this to be noticed.
‘…noticed a faint European accent…’ Huh? European? English, French, Italian—but what is ‘European’?
‘…"Alright," I said and…’ While alright is widely accepted, ‘all right’ is preferred
‘…. Thank you." I said…’ ‘Thank you,” I said
‘…“To a certain demographic our reputations…’ comma after the prepositional phrase—To a certain demographic, our…’
‘…double –talk was…’ a hyphen is an en dash (the single one) ‘double-talk’
‘…expected to hear.” He said nonchalantly…’ ‘…expected to hear,” he said
‘complement’ = something that completes ‘compliment’ is what you meant
‘…asset, and of course the act of intimacy is exactly that-intimate…’ ‘asset, and of course, the act of intimacy is exactly that—intimate (now the em dash)
‘…proposals like mine you and I would…’ comma between ‘mine’ & ‘you’
‘…“O no,” He smiled,…’ “Oh no.” He smiled. “And you mean ‘a’ child.
‘…A kid is a baby lamb…’ NO, a kid is a baby goat (you would think that this guy would know about goats) and a lamb is a baby sheep.
‘…I just stared…’ You need a period at the end.
OH not just O
‘…“Fine. Gaderel.” Gaderel smiled…’ “Fine, Gaderel.” He smiled and
‘…use for fraternity barbeques…’ She’s a girl, right? Sorority, perhaps, but not fraternity and ‘barbeque’ is the English spelling…You probably need to use ‘barbecue’
Para beginning ‘…That night, by candlelight,..’ needs to be broken up
‘…What if he made the offer again…’ The next several sentences shift from first person second person
‘…Sleep is a luxury my head said. You won’t have it for long if you don’t find a job….’ This makes no sense to me—what else does she have to do but sleep? She has no job.
‘…As bus thirteen coughed up to the curb I saw a figure against the sun and dust...’ you had Bus Thirteen in caps and comma between ’curb’ & ‘I’
‘…I looked to my buddy and nodded to her and she boarded the bus…’ I think you meant ‘as’ she boarded
‘…“Gaderel,” I said…’ period after ‘said’.
‘…“Until you say otherwise I make it…’ comma after ‘otherwise’
‘…A little but I…’ comma between ‘little’ & ‘but’
‘…My I take…’ May I take
‘…meeting with you.” I said…’ ‘with you,” I said
‘…. I nodded and turned around and felt the bus cough…’ Lose the first ‘and’ and you’ve had the bus cough several times—the problem with hitting on a vivid adjective is that it sticks out when you over use it.
‘…. Somehow I felt…’ Somehow,
Watch your tenses
‘…Starbucks, ensuring that we wouldn’t be seen by anyone prominent. The…’ Huh? Who’d recognize her?
‘…The waitress took note of Gaderel the moment we enter the place, and I wondered if I refused if he would “make an offer” to her….’ Another compound sentence/comma splice also need comma after ‘refused’ – ‘86’ the second ‘if’
‘…“Miranda” I said…’ “Miranda,” I said
‘…know why but I told…’ comma between ‘why’ & ‘but’
‘…If I was smart I would…’ comma between ‘smart’ & ‘I’
‘…Thank you.” I said…’ Thank you,” I said.
‘…“So, is this the treatment you give all your girls?” I asked Move up to the para before—it’s still her speaking and you need a period at the end of the sentence.
‘…“Then what do you have.” End with a question mark, not a period.
‘…“I see.” He said, but not a muscle in his body relaxed, “I do not do this, ever. You would be my first.”…’ “I see,” he said, but not a muscle in his body relaxed. “I have not done this—ever. You would be my first.”
‘…handsome man buying sex…’ another sentence without a period.
‘…But, while we are on it would I be your first?”…’ But, while we are on ‘the subject’, would I be your first?”
‘…. For without your parents having sex you..’ For, without your parents having sex, you
‘…“It is the other way around.” I answered…’ “It is the other way around,” I answered.
‘…trust you if your…’ ‘trust you, if your’
‘…Gaderel asked staring…’ ‘asked, staring’
‘…single question he had…’ ‘question, he’
‘…“Well.” Gaderel said leaning…’ “Well,” Gaderel said, leaning
‘…I looked down at my hands desperately wished I could know what he would do next…’ this needs to either read ‘down at my hands, desperately wishing I could’ OR ‘down at my hands, and desperately wished’
‘…smiled triumphantly. “I’m not saying I accept. I just want to know.” I added quickly…’ ‘smiled triumphantly.’ Is spoken by Gaderel. The rest is spoken by Miranda—why are they on the same line?
‘…Truth be told I’ve…’ ‘Truth be told, I’ve’
‘…And no, I don’t want sex with you. I want everything.”…’ What does this mean?
‘…We give each other something, and you get paid…’ The two halves of this sentence – Either just use the first half ‘We give each other something.’ Or something like ‘You give me your body, and I pay you.
‘…raped from you, your spirit will…’ I’d use either an em dash or a semi colon—not a comma.
‘…With my offer you use up less time.”…’ Comma between ‘offer’ & ‘you’
‘…question if the time comes.”…’ comma between ‘question’ & ‘if’
‘…But, I reject them both. “ I said looking…’ But, I reject them both,” I said, looking
‘…Sometimes my thoughts would wonder to…’ ‘Sometimes, my thoughts would ‘wander’ to
‘…Once the truck was full I would get cleaned up and take…’ ‘Once the truck was full, I would…
‘…I made it to the farmers’ market and it was the usual crowd….’ How about ‘market and found the usual’ or ‘market. It was filled with the usual crowd.
‘…,” he said warmly…’ “Miranda,” he said, warmly.
‘…“Gaderel” I smiled back, “Apple?” I held one up to him…’ “Gaderel.” I smiled back. “Apple?” I held one up to him.
‘…I was deflecting and I didn’t care…’ Compound sentence—so a comma before ‘and’
‘…“Thank you.” I said…’ “Thank you,” I said.
‘…He doubled what he was offering last time….’ Either ‘He doubled what he offered last time… OR ‘He was doubling what he had offered last time…
‘…That night I collapsed onto the bed I rented from the boarding house…’ I’m sure she rents more than a bed—I mean it’s not just a bed on the sidewalk.
‘…Out here I’d seen power abused….’ Out here, I’d seen power abused.
‘…. The orchard owners hired out to illegal immigrants and paid…’ I’m wondering if this is a regional slang—The orchard owners could hire out cars or room to the illegal immigrants—but they merely hired the illegal immigrants and paid them less.
‘…If I accepted Gaderel’s offer I could get away…’ If I accepted Gaderel’s offer, I could get away…
‘…After I, you know, with him I wouldn’t…’ Why the sudden primness? She can’t even ‘think’ the term sex, or make love, or relations?
‘…. But, he could have black mail on me…’ Odd wording…he could black mail me, or he would have something to black mail me with.
‘…Life goes on and I am meant to live it…’ Another compound sentence—which needs to be broken into two parts, or have a comma before ‘and’.
‘…When I see Gaderel the coming night I will once again, refuse his offer….’ There’s something in this and the sentence about black mail that make me wonder if English isn’t your first language. This is nothing to be ashamed of—quite the contrary. But sometimes little prepositions get muddled in translation. And, it is definitely something you want to put in your bio block—and biography.
‘…and stood in the doorjamb…’ doorjambs are the two vertical posts framing the opening. She can’t really stand in one of them—but she can stand in the doorway.
‘…“Gaderel.” I answered back’ “Gaderel,” I answered back. (Use a comma with a verbal dialogue tag.)
“…I have said before and feel the need to say again. I am a man in a position to make things easy for you.”…’ I have said this before and feel the need to say it again, I am a man in a position….
‘…“In a word, yes.” He said. Anger flared in me….’ “In a word, yes,” he said. Move the ‘Anger flared…to the next para—it’s her feelings.
‘…obvious at this point.” He said lightly ‘…obvious at this point,” he said, lightly.
‘…“So, if I accept you this time not only would I be able to get a job but I could…’ “So, if I accept you this time, not only would I be able to get a job, but I could get…’
‘…“Why do you want me? You could get anyone.” I asked…’ ‘You could get anyone,” I asked…’
‘…My reasons that is.”…’ ‘My reasons, that is.”
‘…“All in due time, Miranda.” He said, “But the question of…’ Okay, either “All in due time, Miranda,” he said. “But the questions of…’ OR “All in due time, Miranda.” He said, “But the questions of…’
‘…repulsive about me?” He asked…’ ‘about me?” he asked…’
‘…And for, most jobs, their presence….’ I do not understand this.
‘…. I worked hard, and I honored every promise I make…’ Pick a tense. Either ‘I worked hard, and I honored every promise I’ve made… OR ‘I work hard, and I honor every promise I make…
‘…. Everything was still, it was as if Gaderel had disintegrated…’ I would divide this—‘Everything was still. It was as if Gaderel had (maybe) evaporated…
‘…for after a while the people working…’ ‘for after a while, the people working…’
‘… It’s been two years since I’d last seen Gaderel….’ Pick one—‘It’s been two years since I last saw…’ OR ‘It’d been two years since I’d last seen…’
‘…I’d moved from my orchard job, as I’d been fired…’ This is redundant—I’d lost my orchard job, OR I was fired from my job at the orchard…you get the idea.
‘…and l learned from an old surfer how to etch scenes into driftwood…’ do you need this?
‘…It was an early morning…’ New para
‘…It is peculiar that as of this day he is the longest relationship I’ve had with anyone in a long time; and in all that time I’ve never seen him when he wasn’t well-dressed…’ It is strange that this strange relationship is the longest I’ve been in in a long time. And in all that time, I’d never seen him when he wasn’t well-dressed…’
‘…asked me out for dinner we…’ ‘asked me out for dinner, we…’
‘…before you broke and gave me yourself.”…’ Awkward—flip it to ‘before you broke and gave yourself to me.”
Just My Opinion:
While I appreciate your choice of the name, Gaderel—other than Jewish scholars—how many of your readers going to ‘get’ it? Brooke and I both found it odd, and figured it had to mean something. I looked it up in my names/nationalities book and didn’t find it. Brooke found it on the internet.
‘…It was hot…’ Isn’t the most exciting first sentence
‘... I had circled the add with a pencil, I couldn't afford a red pen…’ I’m not sure you need this sentence at all.
About 45 ‘ly’ adverbs in 5000 words = not awful, but not great And they tend to be in clumps.
‘…what he wanted and something…’ I think it should be ‘but something’
‘…“That is the question I expected you would ask first. But, before I answer that I would like to say something. Your first reaction, while not expected, is not surprising. The demographic I referred to earlier holds similar sentiments. A woman’s virtue is her only true asset, and of course the act of intimacy is exactly that-intimate. I do not agree with this really. I mean without this and perhaps, proposals like mine you and I would not be here. Every world religion holds this in high regard, as they should I believe, however they do not hold it accurately. The chief end of every animal, man or beast, is production and the act itself is sacred in that without it we cease to exist.”…’ I feel like I’ve just wandered into ‘1984’ – and ‘new speak’ – this is all gobbly-gook.
Whether you follow the minimalist school of dialogue tags, or the more varied one, you should use dialogue tags every four or five sentences, and you seem to stretch this out to six lines.
‘…Time will be raped from you, your…’ I suppose that the ravages of time will rape you, but I’m not sure that ‘time can be raped from you’.
‘…They raped the women, saying if they didn’t sleep with them the women would lose their jobs….’ I’m not sure ‘rape’ is the right term. They coerced the women with threats of losing jobs, but I don’t know about ‘rape’.
‘…. “Gaderel, I know why you are here….’ This is superfluous—we all know why he’s there.
‘…You are responsible for me not getting a job?”…’ Either ‘Are you responsible…’ OR ‘That you are responsible…’
‘…“Only if you wanted to repeat the act. But, only the one time is required.”…’ Lose one of the onlys.
You ‘show’ much more than you ‘tell’—but near the end, you start telling more—even rambling a bit.
‘…“Well, you’re wrong. It has been hard for me, but it hasn’t been bad. I’ve seen and done things I would not have if you hadn’t been a jerk. I’ve woken up before the sun to get to apples and seen them turn from green to red. I’ve listened to the native songs of the immigrants that are far from home. I’ve trudged with the huddled masses as they look for jobs and seen the relief when one finally gets one. I’ve helped children learn to read that wouldn’t have because their teachers are too busy with the thousands of students in their classes. I’ve seen the sea right after a storm when the animals and barnacles try to rebuild their homes. I’ve learned how to make a piece of art out of something someone else would throw away. You’ve made my life hard, but not bad. You don’t get to do that to me.” This is very long—break it up and it’s bordering on preachy…maybe you could tone it down a little.
I liked the premise. I don’t hate the characters, although we don’t get much of a picture of Miranda—except she likes cotton skirts. I do think that the end needs polishing, but all in all, not a bad read. Keep working!
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