*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jode
Review Requests: OFF
188 Public Reviews Given
927 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 ... Next
1
1
Review of Renewal  
Review by JoDe
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This was lovely. Sad, but lovely. As far as I can tell (and I'm about to have cataract surgery, so I might miss the comma or period) it's punctuated well. It tells a story. My only comments are the title and the tag line. And I'm willing to give in over the title. But the reality is the six-year-old has gotten to that point. It's more about the thirty-year-old facing the reality of more pain and change.
Oh, and numbers for the most part are spelled out.
2
2
Review of Shoe Red  
Review by JoDe
Rated: E | (3.0)
First, welcome to the site. It's a great place to be!
Eric, I think your 'teaser' needs to contain a bit more information. to make an fair assessment. Could you expand it a bit and then repost it?
The one thing I did notice was you need to use a few more commas -- just here and there.
Good luck, JoDe
3
3
Review of Who are They?  
Review by JoDe
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to the site. You'll not only make friends, but learn a lot. And, believe it or not, one of the best ways to hone your writing skills is to review other peoples' writings.
At first, I thought this was mislabeled, thinking it was an 'essay'. Then I saw the quotation marks. So an unidentified person is saying this to another person. However, the definition of a 'story' is that it has a 'beginning', 'middle, and an 'end'. This is just someone's rant about people and their opinions. Then there's the wording. Someone might 'appreciate' you standing up for yourself and presenting your own opinion. And an item might 'appreciate' in value. However, I don't think 'appreciable' is even an actual word.
The use of slang in dialogue is certainly allowed, but you should make said dialogue 'readable'. But there is a vast difference between a cause and the contraction of because = 'cause.
And even though this is spoken by one person, it can be broken into paragraphs. The correct way to punctuate multiple paras spoken by one person it to begin each new para with a double quotation mark, but only the last para gets the closing quotation mark. You need a comma near the very end between 'say' and ". Also it should be he, no He.
You've hit upon an interesting exercise -- a piece consisting only of a one person speech.
Good luck, JoDe
4
4
Review of The Night Walker  
Review by JoDe
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
First, welcome to the site. It is a wonderful place, full of opportunities.
Okay, I'm going out on a limb and guess in the contest was about keeping your story under three-hundred words. I'm also guessing that was the only guideline.
A story needs a 'beginning', 'middle', and 'end'. The thing is I'm not sure what the actual story is. I think there is more than 'a guy's car breaks down in the middle of the night, finds a mechanic, and they're stopped by vigilantes on the way back to the car. Even with the information dumps, we're still left asking:
1) Who is Bako?
2) Why is he so special?
3) Why do groups of vigilantes regularly patrol the streets?
I'm hoping you used some characters and situations from a longer, or perhaps on going piece. But, it might have a better choice to just write a generic 'car breaks down and something strange happens' story.
Just keep writing. And, reviewing! You can learn so much by giving thoughtful review.
As in all reviews, take what you will and leave the rest.
Good luck, JoDe
5
5
Review by JoDe
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
First of all, since this is obviously only one part of a longer work AND part of a challenge or class, I'm just going to comment on the more technical aspects of your writing.

The thing that sticks out the most is your dialogue punctuation. Just because someone is speaking doesn't mean you separate the 'speech' from the rest of the sentence.
In this sentence, for example
"I understand," Ido turned and left the council chamber.
while Ido does speak, there's no dialogue tag. Ido speaks and the walks away -- an action.
So you need to modify this one of two ways.
1) "I understand," Ido said. Then he turned and left the council chamber.
2) "I understand." And with that, Ido turned and left the council chamber.
Do you see the difference?
Here's an example of a correct sentence from your item:
"So, you do not deny that you did this?" Tehran asked.
Great!
Now, here's the sticky bit. As with so many things in our world, there are (at least) two schools of thought about dialogue tags.
1) The more reserved group says that only tags like said, asked, told, etc. are correct.
2) The liberal group says that anything that can be considered a sound are allowable. This means that more descriptive words are allowed. Words like sobbed, moaned, cried out, murmured, etc. are correct.
Confused yet? Good! Welcome to the wonderful world of writing.
There is something else that bothers me, and that is the 'dire' thing -- which is clearly a Game of Thrones ripoff. But, that's your decision as the author. After all, it's your baby! But pick a name choice and stick to it. You use 'Dire Panther shape shifters' and 'dire panther shape shifters'. If this is the designation of a 'race' like 'Navajo' everything should be capitalized. In fact, this program corrected my spelling of Navajo with an 'N'. But, if you were reading 'The Lord of the Rings' books, hobbits isn't in caps.
Also you need to brush up on your comma rules, because you are missing a lot.
One last thing and I'll shut up. I'm not sure (and I don't know if this is because I'm coming in the middle of this) that a titled 'Lady' would have a throne, which would normally include and 'canopy of estate'. And that being said, would a 'Lady' sit on her throne -- which would only be in a public room, like a solar or reception room -- and let someone caress her legs. And then there is the short para with sex in it. It's not badly written. Yet, it isn't particularly erotic either. There used to be a class you could take about writing erotica. In fact, there was a comma class too.
As with any review, take what you want and leave the rest behind.
Good luck with this project!
JoDe
6
6
Review of My First Story  
Review by JoDe
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Review: Part One: First Love and Heartbreak

First, I'd like to thank you for reading and reviewing an entry in my portfolio – although, I'm not at all sure whether you liked it or not. I also read other reviews you've given and found them all extremely short. Please, don't take offense at this. In fact, I was guilty of similar short and rather generic reviews. I was apprehensive about reviewing people's work. After all, what gave me the right, or even the ability to evaluate anyone else?
The truth is (and I just said this to my writing group last week), we give each other permission to review submissions. So, I'm asking you to take the chance and comment on different aspects of the piece – both the good and not so good.

One of the best ways to improve your writing is by reviewing other peoples' works!

Before I begin the actual review, I want to tell you how much I admire you for joining our group because you want to learn to be a better writer. Good for you!

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that English is not your first language. Don't panic. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just you need to work on some things you mightn't have considered before. Currently, your sentence structure is very awkward – which is probably because of this. Unfortunately, English is my first and only language, so I don't know whether you've discussed verb tense, point of view, or adverbs and adjective placement.

You begin your story using were and was, which indicates 'past tense'. Then in the third paragraph (from now on para) you change to present tense – indicated by tells, refuses, and asks. I know it's hard, but you need to pick a tense and stay with it. Although, I do think it's okay here.

Another rule (I know, I hate rules, too) is to pick a point of view and stick with it. The easy way to remember this is 'You can only be in one person's head at a time. However, you can change your POV by beginning a new scene or chapter, Try and remember that your character can only know what is in their own head. (I believe I have an example somewhere of this – that I did to finally 'get' POV – but I might have to wait a week or so. Right now I'm only able to use a laptop that's pulled up to within six inches of my nose. But, I'm having a second cataract operation next week. So, I should be able to use my desk computer the week after that.)

Lastly, you always want to put your best foot forward, because there are editors, agents, and published authors on the site, And, they are all less likely to read and review something that is badly formatted. If you have WORD turn on the formatting symbols, as well as the grammar and spelling flags. I'm pretty sure that other document programs have these options.

I believe that perhaps the best way I can help you is to redo your story in a much abbreviated form. This way you can understand some of what I'm saying. Notice I said 'some'. No one expects you to get everything all at once. And, this is certainly not meant to put you down in any way.


Part One
First Love and Heartbreak
(Although, this might be the whole story)

Anne and Sam told each other everything. They had been best friends since childhood. They were always together, since they not only went to the same school, but lived next door to one another, as well. However, one thing Anne had never told Sam was that she loved him, convinced it would ruin their relationship.
Then on Anne's fifteenth birthday, Sam called her at midnight and told her, "Anne, I'm waiting on your terrace. Please come out and meet me."
This surprised Anne, but still she agreed to meet him. "Sam," she began as soon as she caught sight him, "has something happened? What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong. I just want to talk to you."
"Why would you call me at this time of night? You frightened me. What can be so important?"
"I need to tell you something. But, first I want you to close your eyes." When she hesitated, he said, "Go on. Close your eyes. Please." It took him a few minutes, so he continued to remind her, "Remember no peeking, now."
"What are you doing?" Anne asked.
Finally, Sam said, "All right. You can open your eyes."
Anne opened her eyes to find her favorite cake, adorned with a blazing candle. "Oh my God! You remembered my birthday. You've never done that before!"
"Oh, I remembered. I just wasn't ready to tell you something."
Anne turned to look him in the eye and asked, "What could possibly not wait until morning?"
Grasping her hands in his, he whispered, "Because I couldn't wait until tomorrow. I couldn't wait another moment. The truth is 'I love you'."
Blinking back tears, she asked, "What?"
"I said 'I love you', and I want to be with you forever."
"Don't tease me, Sam. This isn't something to joke about."
"I swear, Anne. I'm not teasing."
Suddenly a stricken look passed over Sam's face, (Because I'm writing from Anne's POV I can see Sam's face. However, if was writing this from Sam's POV he would have to feel something – say he felt nauseous – since he can't see his face unless he's looking in a mirror. Make sense?) In an attempt to calm him, she said, "It's all right, Sam."
"Don't you like me?" But when she failed to answer him immediately, he told her, "I really need to know. So just tell me, 'yes' or 'no'."
"Yes," she whispered. She hugged him, and added, "The truth is I like you very much. In fact, I love you too."
Sam hugged her back and told her, "I love you so much and promise I'll never leave you." He kissed her cheek and asked, "Can you promise me the same. Can you say you'll never leave me?"
"Oh, yes."

*****

For years, they had talked about attending the same college. But, as their last year of high school was coming to an end, Anne found out she would be going to an all girl school. While this disappointed them both, the colleges were in their home city and knew they would still see each other every day. (This para is doing some back story dumping. Accepted ways of doing this is through conversation, memories, or flashbacks. But sometimes you just have to resort to the dump!)
And, at first, it was just as they'd said it would be. They studied together and spoke on the phone several times a day. But gradually, Anne started to feel Sam was pulling away from her. She'd expected him to make new friends. But, now he seemed to want to spend time with them. Time he used to spend with her.
But she'd made lots of new friends too.
Still …
Before, he had always answered her calls. Now, they often went unanswered. Yet, when he asked him about it, he just insisted he'd been busy with some school work.
One afternoon Anne arrived for a class, only to find a note on the blackboard saying class was cancelled. Great! I can spend some extra time with Sam, she thought, as she dialed his number. When he answered she greeted him with a joyful, "Hi!"
But he only said, "I can't talk right now. I'm busy." Then he hung up.
At first she thought he might not have realized who had called him. So she dialed him again. But, this time he didn't answer. She called several more times, only to have it go to voice mail.
Hurt and confused, all Anne could think about was getting home and her own room. When she reached home, her mother called out to her, "Anne, you're home very early today. Are you feeling well?"
"Yes, Mama. I just have more homework today."
"But, you came home alone. Where's Sam?"
"Still in class, I guess. Now, please let me work."
Later the evening Sam arrived. "I need to talk to Anne."
"She's been working ever since she arrived home. Why, she didn't even stop for dinner."
"Please, I must see her – talk to her."
Anne had not been working. She'd been crying into her pillow and doing her best not to attract attention. But at the sound of Sam's voice, she'd gone to the door and opened it a crack.
"You don't understand. I hung up on her earlier. It was a mistake. A friend snatched my phone and disconnected us. Then they wouldn't give it to me. And once I got it back I had another class. I'd have come then, but I had an appointment with my advisor."
"Anne, please answer me. Sam is very upset and wants to talk to you," her mother called to her as she rapped sharply on the door.
"Well, I'm upset too."
"Anne," her mother said, "Sam is here to explain what happened this afternoon. Now, come out and speak to him, right now."
Anne opened her door to find Sam standing in the hallway. Before he could get a word out, she turned on him. "What was so important you couldn't take my phone call?"
"I just told your mother, a friend thought keeping me from answering my phone was a good joke. I told them it wasn't. And when I was able to call you back, you wouldn't answer me."
"I want to believe you. Truly I do. But you've changed. I'm not even sure you still love me."
"I do, Anne. I love you more than ever."
They spoke late into the night, and in the end, Anne gave in. He'd been a part of her life for so long.
Things seemed to go back to normal. And after two or three weeks Anne relaxed. Sam continually called and spent a lot of time with her.
Then one of her new friends, whose boyfriend attended the same college as Sam, told her about a festival being held there. "It's going to be amazing. You'll come with us, won't you, Anne?"
"Oh, yes. I'd enjoy that." She was reaching for her phone, when she stopped. Trust was so important to a relationship. So, she decided to call him later, once they'd arrived.
After they'd parked the car, her friend said, "Everything is supposed to be in the Student Union building. Luckily, I know where that is. Otherwise we might wander around here for hours."
Giggling, Anne said, "If we did that, we'd miss the whole thing."" Then she pulled out her phone and dialed Sam's number. "Sam," she said, still giggling, "where are you?"
"I'm in the cafeteria with some friends. I can't talk now. I'll call you later."
"Let's go into the cafeteria," Anne said, thinking how surprised Sam would be when he saw her.
But it was she who was surprised. For when she found Sam, he was sitting beside a girl, holding her hand. Then just as she came into his view, the strange girl kissed Sam. Anne said nothing. Instead she just turned and ran out of the cafeteria.
"Anne! Anne," her girlfriend called out.
Anne doesn't stop running. Not even when she heard Sam's voice calling her name. She doesn't wait for her friends. She finds the nearest bus stop and goes home, struggling not to cry.
The house is dark when she got there. She'd forgotten her mom was going to the movies with a friend. 'Good,' she thought. 'I don't want to talk to anyone.'
She went to her room in darkness, kicked her shoes across the room and threw herself across the bed, sobbing. All her life she'd heard how one's heart could break. But, she'd never believed it. It was just something people hurt by love said. At least she hadn't before she saw Sam with that other girl. Now she understood. Now she felt the awful pain – the true agony of heartbreak.
At first, she let her phone just ring. Then she answered it, in case it was her mother calling. However, once she heard Sam's voice she hung up. After that she didn't answer. And when it continued to ring she turned it off.
But that didn't keep Sam away. He was soon pounding on her front door. She didn't want to answer it, but didn't want the neighbors to call the police, either.
So, she dragged herself up from the bed and out to the living room. "Stop banging on the door, Sam. Just turn around and go away."
"Anne, let me in. I want to talk to you."
"Go away, Sam."
"You'd better let me in, because I'm not going away."
Hurt had somehow morphed into anger, and Anne let go with both guns even before the door was all the way open. "What is so important for you to say?" she asked with a scowl.
"Please Anne," Sam pleaded, "give me a chance to explain. I still love you. I love you very much."
"Who are you lying to, Sam? Me, or yourself? You may have loved me once. But you don't anymore. So just go away. I don't want to ever see your face again."
Without another word, Sam did as she'd asked and went away. And, as she closed and locked the door behind him, she thought, 'I've not only lost the love of my life. I've lost my best friend, as well.
'I swear I'll never love anyone again. It just isn't worth the pain.'

End of Part One



I bet you thought I'd never shut up. But, after a whole day of working on this, I have just a few more things to say.

There are lots of punctuation errors in this. Sometimes you don't even have punctuation. You also repeat words often. And, you also have a tendency to reverse pronouns or omit words.

I've thrown a lot at you and believe (and this is only my opinion!) the best way for you to understand this is to take the time to redo this, in your own words, while thinking about stuff I've mentioned.

And finally, as with all reviews, take what you can use and leave the rest behind.

Good luck, JoDe

PS: And be sure to let me know when and if you do take another try.

PPS: I did this in word and just noticed some of the formatting changed when I pasted this here. I'd hoped the para indents had come through, because I think it would make the conversations easier. JoDe
7
7
Review of Knock Knock  
Review by JoDe
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
... the place is thrashed, but... I think you meant 'trashed'

The Irish spelling is Seamus - not Seumas -- which is the Irish version of James. Baby name books are great -- not only for spelling, but for inspirational names for characters. Try and find one organized by countries and tells what the name means.

Nice little horror story. Was there a reason you didn't use quotation marks around the dialogue -- other than you're the only one speaking?

I'm sure if this was done for a contest, there was a word limit. But, really, would a few one or two word responses put you over the limit? It might have given the story a little more depth. Perhaps, your friend is becoming freaked out by the poster, getting a bit anxious, and then knowing something was happening, but unable to do anything...you know creep it up.
8
8
Review by JoDe
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
RayJ...look what I tripped over...*Wink*

'...had taken...' -- passive --> took

'... Jeremy that his ...' -- if you change this to '...Jeremy how his...' you eliminate a 'that'

'...Tonight however, Brody excitedly explained to Jeremy that his research had uncovered an interesting possibility surrounding the recent death of one of their own who’d left Cashton years ago to fight in The Great War overseas...' This is too long. I think is should end after '...one of their own, Then maybe combine the rest with the next little sentence about bag pipers,

'...and although radio reception was spotty in that rural area...' Were there radios during WWI?

You know what I'm going to complain about -- information dumping and telling rather than showing...I'd ask 'What am I going to do with you?' but I'm afraid you'd tell me. *Wink*

but it is a very nice little folktale.
9
9
Review of Sin City  
Review by JoDe
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I don't know Jeff...everything I'd finding of yours is so dark. And anti-women. I'm sensing a theme.

But, you do manage to get a lot of bang for five hundred words.

'... favorite subject...' There was something about this phrase - it makes it sound as though he can continue to go back to her. What about something like 'current specimen'...or 'current object of his interest'. I don't know something different.

But, a great little story.
10
10
Review of Shutterbug  
Review by JoDe
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
'...replied, as carefully...' - think there's a 'he' missing

'...finds himself merely living in her world, rather than being a part of it...' I really loved this line. *Wink*

'...
Stanley liked Polaroid instant cameras. There was something about the instant gratification of seeing a picture develop...' You might consider deleting the first 'instant' because you don't need it - Polaroid cameras are instant. Because you want to use it in the next line '...instant gratification...'

'...and take pictures with his instant camera, then watch at they developed...' How about modifying this to '...snapping pictures with his camera, then watching as they immerged...'

I know your working with a word limit, but
'...thousand pieces.

Stanley shuffled his ...'
is kind of a jerky transition.

There are few missing commas, but all in all, it's a good little story. But, wasn't there a 'Twilight Zone' episode like this?

Also, was that a chauvinistic shot at women-- 'just setting out ingredients for a meal.

JoDel
11
11
Review of The wall  
Review by JoDe
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well, this was a macabre little story. I loved it.

I see it was written for a contest. What was the prompt. It's probably a good Idea to include that in contest entries.

I did find one thing confusing. Was Julie pregnant or holding a baby? It's never really clear. And, if she's pregnant, how is she going to deliver a baby to wall it up?

However, the first sentence is a bit long and awkward. Although I do like the image of Julie breathing through her shirt collar.

And, we're in Justin's POV, which you maintain to the end. But, he's standing behind her when he takes her by her shoulders, so how can he see her eyes?

Also, dialogue is punctuated as follows:

"Where are my cookies?"
"Where are my cookies?" Betsy whined.
"I want my cookies."
"I want my cookies," Betsy cried.

Conversation followed by dialogue tags end in commas - unless it's a question or an exclamation. Dialogue tags are sound descriptions. Now, here's the but...(come on, you knew there was one coming, right?) some writers consider only 'said', 'told', 'asked' as correct tags. And, as in so much in writing, others consider any sound constitutes a dialogue tag. For instance: he 'coughed out'; he 'chortled'; or he 'barked'.

You need to decide where you fit, and then stick to it.
12
12
Review by JoDe
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
First you have a great little situation here--the trouble is you 'tell' it, rather than 'show' it. This can be an very difficult thing to 'get'. Look at these two paragraphs:

TELLING

Susan hated boats. She was sick and had a headache. She sat on a bench, crowded with tourist and silently groaned from the noise. The sun beating down on her only made her headache worse.


SHOWING

The man sitting beside Susan belched Polish sausage at her. She jumped up and rushed over to the rail. Between the salt airand stench of dead fish had already pushed her past the point of queasy. She'd never had imagined that the ferry would be so crowded. She was surrounded by squealing children and sweaty bodies. Never a good sailor, she hung on the rail, white knuckled -- her stomach roiling. The glare of the sunlight glinting on the waves and the noise made her head pound.. All she could think of was a dark room and a cold compress for her forehead. Never again!


Now, this isn't my best work--but do you see the difference? The first I just tell you about poor Susan. But, the second I'm thrusting you into her situation. Can you smell the garlic of the sausage, the dead fish and body odor? Can you hear the roar of the waves, the ferry's motor and the noise of children and tourists? Do you see the sun? Feel her headache and her desperation as she hangs on the rail--doing her best to not lose her lunch?

Why don't you redo this vingette trying to show the situation? Talk to someone in line, state your frustration and paint the picture of the two heads bumping. At least play with it.

JoDe
13
13
Review of The Burden  
Review by JoDe
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
'...A circular shaped shone behind the barnacle-like growths that covered it...' Did you mean 'stone'? Also, many editors feel the word 'that' is over-used. We can actually eliminate about half of them. Here's a good example--by changing 'that covered it' to 'covering it'.

'...Her mother's face looked so much like her own, with only fine...' No, her face looks like her mother's-without the lines.

'...who are meant to guard your...' Try to avoid passive voice

'...Though his eyes were so strange...' I'm torn over this sentence. I'm thinking either flip it around OR 86 the 'so'

'...Albert was shaking his head with such violence...' Here's another example of passive voice--'Albert's head shook with such violence...'

'...DId ...' Did

I have to say, I'm really tired of fantasies--or I thought I was. This interests me. It's well written. I'd like a bit more character development--but it's early days. Please let me know when there is more of this story.

You might think about applying to the 'Fantasy Keep' house in the Novel Group.

I'm going to give you a 4.5--but I want to remind you that 3.0 is average. Keep up the good work.
14
14
Review of In Dreams  
Review by JoDe
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Another winner! I could feel the cold--and then the hot breath of too much heat. I could hear that soft 'unsound' of snow falling--and see the car skidded down the road. I do love the way you write. I thought he might be dead--but I didn't think she'd kill him. What a sneaky little devil you are!
15
15
Review by JoDe
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Now you have a nice little story here. Although, to me, his 'suicide by cop-killing' negates him trying to save his brother. Here's the problem: I didn't understand half of the dialogue. You might be dead bang on it, but I'm not sure how many people would understand it. Trust me, I have a ner-do-well nephew, and he couldn't read his on bank statement and understand it. He's never going to voluntearily read a story.

'... I will, he howls as I pass the...' Should be: "I will," he howls as I pass...'

While this is better than most I review, you still slip into 'telling' mode in places.

'... The prettiest girl I’ve ever seen...' This bothers me. WORD is letting it slide as a sentence, but I'm not so sure. We could both be happy by you changing this to 'She was the prettiest girl I've ever seen.'

'...And everything stops...' I'm very guilty about this, but you shouldn't begin a sentence with 'and'.

'...But all I really see is...' Or 'but'. And (oops) yes, I am guilty of that too.

'... I rip a Browning 9mil...' Correct abbreviation is mm--9mm

Only full metal jackets would go through the clerks head and into the display case behind him--so you might consider mentioning the bullet type.

'...Marlboro blend number 27....' I'm also not feeling this as a full sentence, why not tie it into the previous sentence?

'...His arm is torn up, more blood than I’ve ever seen...' I think you add 'and there's'

'...I tell her, “you are the most beautiful...' Should be '...I tell her, "You...'

'...She is so innocent and sweet and I have destroyed her, too...' Again, this is made up from two complete thoughts and needs a comma between the 'sweet' & 'and'.

'... I chance it and make a quick leap past the glass, behind the counter, and pick up the phone...' Your third comma (between 'counter' & 'and') is known as an Oxford comma and optional. The thing is you need to decide if you're going to use it or not and then be consistent.

'... Looking around I wipe Jay’s gun down, find my own on the ground, and swing the money bag around my shoulder...' Could be just me, but I think you need to 'find' Jay's gun and then wipe it down. And you have used another Oxford comma--but since I didn't notice any before, you're probably good.

'...In a minute they’ll in here with a stretcher,”...' Missing 'be'

'...They get louder and louder and I finally plug the tears and pull myself up, pulling her up with me...' Again, comma needed between the second 'louder' & 'and'.

'... The man has him wrapped up and he’s propped against a candy rack...' Because both clauses are complete sentences, you need a comma between 'up' & 'and',

'...I hang up and slip the phone back into my pocket. I let Buck go and shout for the medic to come in. ..' These two sentences are both correct without commas. BUT, as in the above sentence '...

'... through my lips and down my lungs, my ribs, my fingers and feet...' Okay, here's an Oxford comma you missed.

I think I caught everything.
16
16
Review by JoDe
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Another joy to read. Just when I'm about to pull my hair out, something of yours pops up and soothes me and makes me smile.

This is the only thing I found:

'... I dated someone knew, they apparently...' should be 'new'

And, I have to confess--I haven't gone into your port--just rolled the die.
17
17
Review by JoDe
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I realize that coming in at Chapter 29 puts me at a huge disadvantage, but this was very confusing. You use absolutely NO dialogue tags. I'm not sure if there were two or three people speaking. The standard rule for tags is at least one, every five to six lines.

Your characters can also 'do something' to avoid a tag. For instance:
         "But I don't want to live in paradise." Christina turned away and frowned.

'...Your house is too big to clean but I liked your pool, though...' You're writing in present tense, but you slipped into past tense with '...I liked your pool. I also don't think you need both 'but' & 'though' in the sentence.

'... But not Brasilia. I was always raining. I need sun. Warm weather...' I think you meant 'It was always raining.'

This is a long, boring and kind of pointless conversation. By not using any direction or dialogue tags, you've left the reader observing a 'flat' conversation that goes now where. Every scene in ever chapter has to have a point to it. They need to have a conflict AND some kind of resolution--otherwise, you're just spinning your wheels and frustrating your readers. I'm not saying that they need to come to some HEA ending. If you showed the characters' frustration and unhappiness you've justified the scene.

If you rewrite this with some emotion, please let me know. I'd love to read it.

Keep writing. JoDe
18
18
Review by JoDe
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (2.5)
First sentence it REALLY long - needs to be broken up and/or punctuation added.

"God" needs to be capitolized.

'... the shortening of the days engulfing my secluded village into premature darkness, ...' I think it should be 'engulfed'

'... time that I and the rest of the village ...' This is very awkward. What's wrong with '...that we...'?

'...and no supply’s ever travel...' supplies - and another run-on sentence

'...secrets the forests hide...' Did you mean 'forests'? Are there more than one?

'...As I mentioned before it was the...' need a comma between 'before' & 'it'

'...and there was new faces moving into the village...' Personally, I don't think you need the 'there', but it definitely should be 'were', rather than 'was'.

'...no-one ever moved to Holcombe, only move away and never return...' Another run-on sentence; but should be '...only moved away and never returned

'...most if not all of them will die here...' You verbs need to agree - was (past tense) so it should read 'would die'...also, the prepositional phrase 'if not all of them' needs commas at each end.

'...So with this new family moving in that following morning you can imagine the whispers the days after....' This makes no sense to me.

'...moved next door to me, and I usually keep to myself but curiosity had taken ..' Verb agreement again - 'moved'

'...They moved next door to me, and I usually keep to myself but curiosity had taken me, so on the seventh day I introduced myself to my neighbours, the young family and found them to be quite irregular, peculiar in a way I just could not for the life of me figure out...' This is another sentence that is just too long! Why do you add the 'the young family' - you've already said 'my neighbors'. Also, end after 'irregular'- [] found them to be] ...' perculiar in a way... 'for the life of me...this is another prepositional phrase and
needs to be surrounded by commas.

'...However a strong feeling of uneasiness overcame me, it wasn’t caused by the family but rather what was to become of the family, it was like I sensed something wrong so before they became aware of my uneasiness I said my goodbyes and was on my way. I wish to god I would have told them...' Another mega sentence--WHY?
January. However a strong ...' comma after 'However' - period after 'me. - comma after 'family' - -period after second 'family' - (although, unless the person telling the story is a god, he doesn't really 'know' what's to happen, does he?) More awkward, run-on sentence...again 'God' needs to be capitolized....Praise God... He is a god. It's the same as if you were talking about an aunt. Aunt Judy... my aunt...

'...The weeks that were leading up to that unearthly day, my nights were spoiled as my dreams turned sour, and nightmares that no living creature should have to imagine corrupted my mind and thoughts leaving me to have self-inflicted insomnia, to the point that the nightmares protruded my sleepless mind causing me to go insane within the terrible intervals of these day-mares, it was all I thought about, all I could think about, my emotions ever changing like the seasons, at times bursting into uncontrollable laughter which inevitably all ways lead to uncontrollable crying, it was taking over my life and yet I still could not come up with the courage to tell the family, that is why it’s my fault...' Not only is this one incredibally rambling sentence - all 121 words of it - but it is barely in English. Always is one word...should be 'led' rather than 'lead'...'nigthmares intruded rather than 'protruded'.

'...like a knife would the flesh, echoing ...' I think you need another 'slice' OR change to 'in flesh'

'... I cannot take this knowledge I have no longer, ...' Say what?

Sorry, I don't have any more time for this. In general, it's filled with run-on sentences that are over-written to the point of being 'purple prose'. Maybe it's because of never been a Lovecraft fan.

And, what does this have to do with the contest prompt:
A new-hire employee has a dark/mysterious background and gives his or her employer/coworker(s) quite a fright.

Luckily, you have enough time to write a new story for the contest that actually fills the prompt AND then redo this.
19
19
Review of Dating Woe  
Review by JoDe
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really enjoyed this! It made me smile and remember all of my 'dream dates'. I let out a great sigh for your daugher, just six months married. Yikes! We we every that young? If she tries to fix you up again, tell her to come back after fiffteen years. Thanks for the memories.
20
20
Review of Stiletto  
Review by JoDe
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Jeff, this was great. The only thing that bothered me was the repeating 'Abigal' in the last fourth. Is this part of something bigger? *Wink*

One more thought - you do know she has to clench her ass as she jumps, or the force of the water going into will burst her lower intestines?
21
21
Review of The Trap  
Review by JoDe
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Okay, because this is 300 and has several words hightlighted in boldface type, I'm going out on a limb and say this was written for the Daily Flash. You've got a nice little story here - although it could use a little fleshing out now the contest is over. Things are a little confusing - but that's what happens when you do flash fiction.

There were a few errors: I think you meant 'fury' (angry) and not 'furry' (hairy); & 'stairs' (steps) and not 'stares' (looks)

Also, consider your sentence: '...Dried blood stained his shirt and lips, his blood red eyes burned into Eve’s....' You need to try and avoid reusing words close together (especially in the same sentence) - changing the second 'blood'- -which you're using as an adjective - - to crimson, vermillion, scarlet (you get the idea) you by miss that bump.

I hope you rework this into a longe piece. Good luck.
22
22
Review by JoDe
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was lovely. Thank you.

There are a few commas missing. (The one that pops up first is -- '...All of a sudden he hopped back down off...' comma missing between 'sudden' & 'he'

I also might have used an 'en' or 'em' dash instead of a comma here: '...cake and balloons, especially the balloons...'

The only other comment I have is I wish 'he' had a name.
23
23
Review of Lesson 6  
Review by JoDe
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Since this is labeled 'Lesson 6', I'm assuming this is for a class you're taking and the lesson is 'foreshadowing'. I'm going to base my comments on those assumptions.

My first comment is about your use of verb tense. You switch tenses several times in the first chapter. It's something that's easy to do as you're writing, but it's something you need to watch for and correct as you polish your pieces.

There is a lot of information dumping going on. I know, you're trying to do your assignment(s) and hand them in on time, but you're taking the classes to hone your skills - so don't sell yourself short. The second paragragh is not only info dumping, but it's all 'telling' as well. Avoid information dumps by revealing backstory in conversation, thought and if absolutely necessary - flashbacks. You have the husband, George, come to her and they have a conversation - really, all of that dump could be covered in dialogue.

The art of foreshadowing is not about stating things out - it's about providing a glimmer of what might happen. Think of it like clouds parting and allowing you to see a glimpse of the landscape in the fleeting moonlight. You state that Jeannette and George are selling their house to move in with George's father, who is suffering from Alzheimer’s, so they can take care of him . You also tell us that Jeannette doesn't want to be 'saddled' with this responsibility. If on the other hand, your example of 'foreshadowing' is Jeannette's predisposition to suicide--I didn't see that coming at all.

This was wrtitten as an exercise, so that can't be bad, right? You're working on your craft. Kudos!

The only other thing I'd mention is that you use no dialogue tags at all. Now, ocassionally, that's a great exercise in itself. At one time, I believed that anyone who couldn't follow who was speaking in a two person conversation shouldn't be left alone with something as potentially dangerous as a book. However, the standard seems to be at least one dialogue tag every five to six lines. Is this written in stone? No - but it's what editors, agents and publishers are going to be looking for.

Keep working!
24
24
Review by JoDe
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
I see that you are new on the site, and probably new to writing. Welcome and congratulations!
BUT (You knew there was a but coming, didn’t you?) there are a number of things that you need to learn. Don’t misunderstand me, you’ve done some of the hardest work—you stopped ‘thinking’ about writing and started ‘writing’. Some people never make that jump.
• The first line of your novel has to grab the reader, which means the character has to be saying or doing something ‘unusual. You don’t want them waking up (a particular favorite with beginning authors) or everyday ‘stuff’.
• Even though we talk about writing ‘telling’ a story, you need to ‘show’ your story. Now the difference between ‘telling’ and ‘showing’ is a very elusive concept to grasp. I’ll try to give an example of each:
‘telling’ – Kay stood, hot and nauseous, at the crowded ferry’s railing, wondering what her blind date would be like.
‘showing’ – Tourists jostled Kay as they crowded the ferry’s railing to snap pictures of the Manhattan skyline. The sun, which had felt comfortingly warm as she boarded the ferry, now scorched her. The wind had picked up, and bounced the vessel about, causing Kay’s already roiling stomach even more distress. In truth, she wasn’t sure if that was the combination of perspiration and rotting fish, or her growing apprehension at the blind date she was meeting when they docked.
Do you see the difference? Where the first (telling) paragraph just says how Kay feels, what she thinks, etc.; the second (showing) paragraph allows the reader to ‘be’ Kay—to experience what she’s seeing, hearing, feeling & smelling. It immerses them in Kay’s story.
• Point of View is another important element of good writing. You begin Third Person-limited/Layla’s POV. That means that we (your readers) should only be able to see, touch, taste, smell, hear, think or know what Layla can. I’m sure I’ll be pointing out violations in my line edit—but for the time being, see if you can find a copy of Larry McMurtry’s “Lonesome Dove” – In the opening chapter, McMurtry ‘head-hops’ his way around the breakfast table. So, even very experienced writers make mistakes – but that doesn’t mean any of us should. *Wink*
• ‘Information dumping’ is to be avoided! And so very much of this chapter is just that—can’t you hear the beep-beep-beep backup alert, as the dump truck lumbers into your writing and then just empties out ‘back story’ onto the surface of your chapter. Back story needs to be seamlessly woven in through speech, thought and (if absolutely necessary) memory.
• The first half of the chapter (about Layla) there are 17 ‘ly’ adverbs, and only 3 or 4 in the second half. That shows me you don’t need to prop up weak verbs with adverbs. Strong, action specific verbs eliminate the need for supporting adverbs.
For example, consider the following:
He walked slowly down the lane. - He strolled down the lane.
• Dialogue needs to sound natural. People don’t necessarily speak using perfect grammar. Dialects, favorite sayings and speech patterns will all add layers to your characters. Writing natural sounding dialogue is a skill unto itself. Read yours aloud – often! This will also help you punctuate it correctly.
• Writing is a daunting proposition, and while your typos can be difficult for you spot (because the sad truth is that our eyes ‘see’ what we meant to write), this chapter is filled with careless typing and tense errors. There are many people who will not read and/or review your writing because of this. There are also agents, editors and publishers on this site. And, while you might not know who they are, they will know who you are. You might want to submit something to one of them—or someone they know, so you want to always put your best foot forward.
First--@3900 words—46 are ‘Layla’ (that’s like 1.25% of your words being Layla)
Layla Daniels Mr. Winston Whitmore Mr. Hartman
Dellinger Erin Mac Carter Randal
Helen Charlie Dori Alexis
Sarah Ty Mary Adrian
McCormick Mia Ethan == 19 characters introduced in Chapter 1
A few line edits:
‘…The scent of flowers filled the room and she could not help but smile…’ This is a compound sentence, because each clause is a complete sentence, and therefore needs a comma added between ‘room’ & ‘and’.
Many of the sentences are in an awkward order and many don’t make sense. For instance:
‘…Her best friend’s wedding was still another week away, yet she needed to complete the bouquets by the end of the week so that she had time to do the huge floral arrangement for the ceremony and the reception. …’ Every time you use helper verbs like ‘had’, you slip into passive voice. Stay in active voice.

‘…. There would be three bridesmaid bouquets in addition to the bridal bouquet and seven boutonnieres for the groomsman and ushers…’ Do we (the readers) need to know any of this? Seriously, how is this moving the story forward?
‘…Between the huge contract deals that Erin’s company had signed with a building developer a few months ago and her standard volume of business, she had to do most of the work herself with the help of her soon to be husband and her best friend Mac…’ Do we need to know when she signed a contract with developer? Probably not! There’s too much rambling, and very little salient content.
‘…“Relax, Erin. Everything will be fine” she tried to reassure her…’ “Relax, Erin. Everything will be fine.” She tried to reassure her. If she ‘said’, ‘asked’ or ‘answered’ it would be ‘…fine,” she tried to…’; but because she’s not ‘voicing’ something, it needs a period, two spaces and a capitol ‘She’.
‘…, her husband to be,…’ should be ‘.. her husband-to-be…’
‘…email but than remembered…’ should be ‘…email but then remembered…’
‘…message and than turned…’ then
‘…Due you want..’ Do
Okay, this is just too ‘padded’. Here’s the gist:
First half: Layla is doing the flowers for her best friend, Erin’s, wedding to Carter. She needs to work hard because she not only has the wedding flowers to do, but needs to fulfill her business agreement with a contractor and her normal business. Erin and Carter have only been dating about three months—which means that Erin got pregnant just as soon as they started. They also moved into a new house—which is the venue for the wedding. Layla’s employees are all scrambling to get the flowers finished—although, I don’t think the boutonnières are going to look very ‘fresh’ if they’re made ten days early. The altering of Erin’s dress isn’t completed, and she also hasn’t given the final okay on the bouquets or centerpieces. Also, they’re struggling to complete the landscaping of Erin and Carter’s yard for the wedding.
Second half: Ty, an apparently very successful developer, is slipping into a coma from his sister, Sarah’s, blathering about looking at possible wedding gifts for Carter and Erin with her friend Alexis. (FYI—since a Ming vase would refer to a porcelain vase made either in a certain style OR during a specific period of Chinese history—it would not be ‘crystal’). He needs to finish up some work before a business meeting. He doesn’t seem to have much time or desire for dating—especially ‘…with the woman that ran in his social class….’ (which makes him seem like an elitist snob.) Sarah goes to Harvard and leaves for school a few weeks after the wedding—but she’s going to try and play matchmaker before she goes.
Two hundred seventy words to pretty much give the same information. You can expound as much as you want the first time around, but then you need to edit yourself.
25
25
Review of A Bond for Life  
Review by JoDe
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Oh Jace, this is lovely. You know that I don't know anything about poetry, but shouldn't it rhyme? See, I told you. But I did go back and count the syllables and it works out right. Who makes these rules? Seriously, this is perfect for the picture prompt. Well done! JoDe.
57 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 3 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jode