Hi Missmacy:
What I liked.
The way you string together your ideas from one thought to the next was concise and tight. The essay followed a logical, rational, seqence as one idea built on another, and this made for good readability.
Your baseball analogy was good without being overdone.
I like the feel of this, light and airy.
A Few Technical Errors:
There’s always that negative feeling when you wanted something so, so bad, but you didn’t get it.
Your tenses don't match: "There's" (present); "wanted" and "didn't" (past)" so that this sounds awkward. Try:
There's always that negative feeling when you want something so, so bad, but you don't get it.
You know, I remember when I was 15, and I saw a gorgeous pair of Steve Madden white heels, in Ross one time, and my mom wouldn’t let me have them that day.
This sentence is long and sounds clumsy. A possible rewrite:
You know, I remember when I was fifteen and i saw a gorgeous pair of Steve madden white heels in Ross. My mom wouldn't let me have them that day, and when I went back a couple of days later they were gone.
I wanted those shoes so bad, but I didn’t get them. Just like I wanted this part.
"Just like..." is not a sentence. Try this:
I wanted those shoes so bad, but I didn't get them; just like I wanted this part.
Not for the fame, not for the riches, just for the fact that I know, that even though I never got a lead in high school, that I was still good enough.
This is a phrase and the wording is a bit rough, as in not smooth. I would suggest:
I wanted it not for the fame nor for the riches, but just for the fact of knowing -- even though I never got a lead in high school -- I was still good enough.
(dashes are a great way to get around run on sentences just try not to overdo it as I sometimes do.)
Some, you just can’t just do anything about
You accidentally wrote "just" twice.
I’ll always come back for another inning, and hope again for the big one. The one that’ll make my career.
"The one that..." is a phrase. You should separate it from the preceding sentence with a (;) not a (.) and then "The" is not capitalized.
Yup, one day, I’ll be back on this stage, where I’ve been a thousand times, but you won’t see me in the chorus, I’ll be up front, center stage.”
This sentence is too long and would flow better if you made it into three:
Yup, one day I'll be back on this stage where I've been a thousand times before. But, you won't see me in the chorus. I'll be up front, center stage.
Overall:
Although I said above the flow and readibility was good, it would have been better is not for so many fragmented sentences. The message left me ith a good, positive feeling. I think you have a strong outlook for one yet so young. That will take you far.
In your bio you said specifically said you wanted to improve your writing skills so I trie to give a thorough, honest review. Hope this is helpful to you.
P.S. writing reviews is an excellent way to work on your writing skills as you think about what good/not so good writing is.
Keep Writing!!
D.L. Robinson |
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